Thoughts of a Top Cat

A Yoo Lojjee ("eulogy" to you) to Biggles

2009-03-14T22:11:00.010+01:00

As his proud dad it falls to me to write something about what made Biggles such a loved pet and truly the Best of the Best of the Best. (Runty is sharing my lap as I type this and reading every word I write so I had better be careful).

The story starts in Avignon in the summer of 1996. We visit there and it is festival time. It is an amazing festival, the equivalent of Edinburgh. Daniel (aged 15) sees a jester's hat that he really wants and we buy it for him. His sweet little sister (aged 12) throw a total wobbler until we buy her one too. Daniel is not unreasonably miffed at this as he feels that he can't have something without Zoe having it too. He turns and says that Zoe has a cat, Figaro, so he wants a cat too. We agree to this. Figaro was a long haired tabby with the longest tail any of us has ever seen, when it went up in the air at the pleasure to see it went all the way along his back. Sadly, he was run over while we were away on holiday, hence going to the Mayhew Home for two kittens, not one.

So, we visit the RSPCA Mayhew Home and ask for two HEALTHY kittens (our first cats from the Mayhew Home, Oedipus and Rex, had both been sickly when we got them and it was quite complicated getting them both well). Well, the staff clearly knew a nice middle class family when they saw us and steered us towards the hospital and to a cage with THREE kittens in it. Daniel was immediately taken with a very small tortoiseshell kitten who immediately buried her head in his arm - he thought this was affection, in fact, she was trying to escape and was in a panic. Zoe saw the runtiest thing you have ever seen, skinny, wonky with hardly any whiskers as its first owners had tried to feed it on porridge; this was something for a girl to love and nurture back to health. Ignored by both children was a little, slightly tubby ginger and white kitten that waddled to the front of the cage and looked out at us with a wonderfully open friendly face. Well, Liz and I picked up this little chap and he was clearly incredibly friendly and sweet, so we decided that this would be our cat.

At home the three kittens got on terribly well, played together and often slept together. They were fun and gave us great pleasure.

Biggles showed this wonderful friendly nature and sense of fun. In those days orange juice was sold in 6 packs with the litre cartons contained in a cardboard carrier. I would put several of these together to make a tunnel. I had found one of the children's paint brushes; Painty Brush had a long thick handle and lots of soft bristles. I would stratch Painty Brush at one end of the tunnel or use a pencil and Biggles would zoom down this tunnel at full speed to catch his prey. We played with boxes and Painty Brush for many hourse, especially when the boxes had lots of holes. Biggles was often very fierce with Painty Brush and attacked it with fervour. I had hoped that these training sessions would become transferable skills and would lead to Biggles becoming a lean, mean fighting machine - I think it is fair to say that he failed on all these counts, and that transferability of skills was not one of his strongest points. (More on adult games below).

As Biggles grew I started to call him Bodge and Bodger because, to be honest, he was not the lightest of leapers with the finest sense of balance, and tended to bodge things as he went around. I had also assumed that as he grew up he would learn to sit with his front paws together like a normal cat - er, no, his front paws always stayed apart for balance even when he was a slim adolescent. He was also sniffly; this was, we discovered, because he had had cat flu as a kitten and some nasal passages were clearly blocked or permanently irritated.

So, what made Biggles, the Mighty Thunderer, such a special cat?

Well, he was just incredibly personable and he loved to be around his family. Daniel was like a big bruv that he liked to follow around. Zoe was much more a rival for 4th place in the pecking order and they did fight for places on the sofa and various other things. Biggles won when Zoe left home to go to university.

When opening the door to the playroom where the cats slept out would come Biggles and head straight for the bowls. Most often he would look up first and have one stroke and then eat. He was a brilliant multi-tasker and could eat food and purr simultaneously without any difficulty.

Even when deeply asleep if one of us came into the room he would wake up and sort of smile (or as close to a smile as a cat can get - and Biggles did have a sort of smile) and look for his stroke. If you didn't stroke him he would follow you round the room and contort his body as he stretched for his stroke, so he got it. And much pleasure he got from it.

When we would come home, he would usually be asleep upstairs and he would totter down the stairs 99% asleep as he heard the key in the lock, to greet us with great pleasure. If we had shopping to bring in he would sit out on the path with the bags guarding them or rolling over on his front territory hoping to get stroked.

He loved showing his tummy, a fine expanse of wonderful fur. BUT his tummy was most private and he did not take kindly to having it stroked despite it being irresistible. In fact, he loved running out of the front door like a naughty boy and checking both the front door gardens which were part of his territory.

So, what else did he do? Well, he would always accompany you when you walked up the garden, walking by your side with his tail up. Sometimes he would wander off a bit but mostly he would be very close by and looking to see what you were doing. If I hung out the washing he was always there, and Tosca was usually around too, and he would expect his strokes as he guarded the washing. He loved it when the basket was nearly empty and I was hanging out a whites wash he would love to leap in the basket and ideally leave his paw prints on the clean underwear. He just loved to do this. But once the basket was empty and I had turned it upside down (to avoid his muddy paw prints on the inside) he would jump up on it and make it absolutely clear that as the Top Cat this was HIS laundry basket; very Lion King! If he managed to get inside the basket well, then he would play and I have to tell you (perhaps small children should look away at this moment) that to see Biggles attack a dead leaf was a pretty scary sight as he would grab it and tear at it without any fear.

He really did like the company going up the garden which was very much HIS territory as he spent most time in it. I remember once going up the garden when it had snowed in wellie boots and Biggles came out with me and clearly found the snow unpleasant but instead of staying in he obviously thought that if I was going to be brave and walk up the garden then he would walk with me.

He had his Butch Bowl on the patio. This was his major outdoor drinking hole, his big bowl of water. He would drink from it just like a mighty lion on the savannah, looking at his territory as he drank. He had several drinking holes. His water bowl in the playroom, his butch bowl outside, the one with the food bowls which he didn't like much and in the downstairs bath where he had a small Clover pot. Runty being totally obsessed with drinking from taps (and will wait until all her internal organs look like sun dried tomatoes rather than drink from a bowl) would also drink from the bath downstairs. Biggles really liked this idea but and took it up from Tosca but, being a far more talented cat in his own eyes he did not drink from the bottom of the bath but drank only from mid stream. He thought he was just totally brilliant at this and found water quite fascinating, when he had finished drinking he would watch the water with his head going first to one side and then to the other. After watching it for a bit he would try and catch it in his paw with no great success. As he got weaker I noticed that sometimes he had difficulty jumping into the bath and out but he seemed to strengthen shortly before the operation. Talent, eh?

He was always thrilled when we came home and would often need lots of attention but he was not naggy or "needy" per se (well, he was in his own way). But he was there and thrilled when you came home. When Liz would get home on most evenings Liz would lie on a sofa. Biggles would come and sit on her chest, gaze into her eyes with his front legs stretched out in front like a male lion sitting smuggly under his tree watching his females. He would sit there looking smug for about twenty minutes and then that would be it, enough, done, contact reestablished, ascendency established.

Often with me he would jump on the table in the morning put his large bum on the paragraph of The Guardian that I was reading and stare at me with benign love. "Bugger off", I would say, "you're not allowed on the table", and he would just sit there staring at me, grinning, purring waiting for his strokes. And a wonderful, responsive cat he was to stroke, he didn't just sit there accepting the stroked but he would move his head in response and often his body. Sometimes he would hold my hand between his front paws, grip it with enough claw to keep it firm without hurting me, and rub my hand against his nose to kiss/mark my hand as his.

Oh, yes, he would mark me to make sure that everyone knew I was his. If I went out in the garden in shorts when, of course, he would accompany me, he would smear both my calves several times, quite passionately, to make sure that any other cat sniffing me would know that I was his.

Even on his final weekend when Daniel and Rosie visited, he came into the front room and sat on everybody's lap in turn, giving each person a few minutes of his time. He would then sit in the middle of the room, roll over (a flollop) and then expect to be stroked.

He would, actually, go flollop alot and would expect his strokes. If he went flollop and did not get his strokes he would look up with incomprehension at his humans (who might be eating) and not understand why he was not being stroked.

But there was an edge to Biggles, as one would expect from a top cat (I sometimes wondered if they had a left a tenth of a ball behind when he had his little op). Oh, yes, his little op. He came home and it was obviously a little itchy/sore down there and he licked the operation patch and looked up completely startled at the discomfort. A few minutes later he did the same thing with the same reaction. He learned then and didn't lick it again.

Biggles did not share nicely, except, perhaps, a sun lounger with Runty (but one suspected that this was not out of kindness but because he had the top end and couldn't cover any more of it). Nope, if he wanted a bit of settee or a lounger or a chair then he wanted it and would become quite violent if you tried to move him. This could cause problems.

I have what I think of as MY desk and MY desk chair but there was a running dispute for several years over this (even I, with the hand that fed him most often, was not secure in my superior position in the pecking order). He liked my desk and would often come and mark important papers with his seal of approval, several muddy paw prints. He would often sit on them and it would be just about impossible to get them out from under him, and if I did try I risked serious injury, and if I succeeded because I really needed them then he used language the like of which I will not put into a blog. MY desk chair was even worse and I invariably ended up on a hard white chair instead until Daniel gave me a nicer chair that he no longer needed. Did this mean that we had a chair each? Nope. He wanted the nicer, newer one. Oh, yes, he would pretent to be perfectly happy on my desk but the moment my bum lifted from my chair and I moved no more than 3 feet from the chair (that's ninety something centimetres for the young folk) he would be on the chair and God help me if I tried to get it back.

Yes, he considered "Bugger off, Biggles" to be one of his favourite terms of endearment and he would always look back as if to say; "Yeh, and I luv yoo two".

He did not take neglect kindly. If he felt neglected he would lie on my desk with his head just by the mouse knowing full well that if I was going to use the mouse he would get several strokes on the head.

You may think that I have made up the stuff in his blog about him feeling that he had territory and he went on patrol. Well, he did. Clearly, he has been feeling ill since late autumn and one of the consequences is that he has gone out much less this winter, generally only to go to the toilet. The consequence has been that four cats are currently fighting over our garden to have it as their territory and are terrorising our females. One in particular, whom we have discovered is called Sylvester and lives across the road - he has one eye and a strange jaw due to coming off second best with a car - Sylvester is a chancer and is trying to get into the house when ever he can and is trying to establish this house as his territory along with the garden!!! This just would not have happened in the past.

Of course, he liked his bed too. This he considered a time share and it was his for most of the time. If one of us was ill, well, he was very pleased to see us for a short while and then really he wanted to go to sleep and would we kindly bugger off.

Biggles and Tosca spent alot of time together. Frequently, they would sleep together or very near each other. Or they would sleep in the same area of garden together, say, a couple of feet away in a flower bed. Of course, being a top cat he would sleep where ever he chose, and every now and then Runty would be deeply asleep when Bodger would see her and conclude that Runty was actually in the finest, warmest spot in the garden and in all of the 100ft by 35ft of garden and he had to have it. He would approach her, sniff her, wake her up, maybe even give her a couple of licks and then pounce on her. Runty would jump in the air, totter off about 4ft, give herself a consoling like. Bodger would look very smug, settle himself down, have a little satisfied lick and clearly say to himself; this is just the very bit of garden that I needed to lie in.

Gwenny was not allowed by Biggles to use the garden. The truth is he didn't like her and would sometimes bully her in the house, even though Gwenny is the fittest, fastest little packet of feline muscle I have ever known (and a superb hunger in her youth). When told off he would dash out through the cat flap and sit on the patio about 6 inches away looking totally smug. I remember many years ago he chased Gwenny out of the garden, she ran behind a shed he chased her and nearly got totally stuck as he was not very slim and had to wriggle his way backwards and try not to look embarrassed. Just to clarify; his territory covered the gardens either side of ours.

I am just restarting this eulogy the following morning and I have just had to stop Sylvester from going up our stairs and to chase him out!!!! (Runty is marking my laptop as hers - no Biggles to contradict).

There was no more reassuring sight than Biggles sitting on his patio, with his tale swishing, looking up the garden, with nothing really going on in his brain, with that fine white chest of his clearly visible to all as he never learned to sit with his front legs together in the proper cat manner. Sometimes when he was sitting at the top end of the garden, lazing in the sun, we would exclaim; "Oh, my goodness! Is that a fiercesome lion lying in our garden???!!!! No, it's alright, it's Biggles".

In fact, Biggles swishing his tail was not just a sign of anger it was also just a sign of a top cat is out and about even if he was purring. He didn't like being picked up. So, if you picked him up he would purr and looked very pleased but the other end of him was swishing away looking very cross, and there was no gratitude in this, top cats are just not picked up and used in that sort of way and you would have to put him down within half a minute.

Ok, let's be honest, was Biggles a scary, lean mean fightin' machine? Er...........no. Yes, he was brilliant at protecting his territory and let me, here, state some factual information - since acquiring Biggles we have not been burgled - and yes, he would protect his territory from other cats (although he was very accomodating to the local foxes) but the question is, was he a brave cat? Well, no. At the slightest loud sound or unusual, strange movement the look of fear and panic in his eyes was immediate and few cats would move faster through their cat flap. Fireworks were especial torture. There was a credibility gap between his perception of himself as the big, tough top cat and the reality that we saw.

In order to keep in trim in winter he put himself through a very rigorous programme particularly with Corky the Cork. Any champaigne bottle cork on a piece of string was going to have a pretty tough time from Biggles and it didn't matter which of the four corks it was. And even worse was what he would do to Green Fishy (a Mayhew Home toy). Amazing hunting, fighting, killing skills!!! And this play.......er...........sorry............ keep fit and keep fight work would go on every evening. He was even bought a fighting exercise bit of apperatus (these are not toys, ok?) by Rosie, but it was not built to withstand Bogger attacks.

He did create two games; Pat the Frog and Moth Play. Sometimes frogs would come through from the garden next door if one came near to Biggles he was quite fascinated. The frog somehow realised that it was near a lean, mean, fighting machine and would go dead still. Biggles would look at it and pat it on its back, the frog would leap in the air uttering a cry of despair. This would startle Biggles but the frog would then return to the ground and be dead still again. So, the mighty Bodge would then pat it again and again it would leap vertically and let out its froggy cry. This was all he would do with the frog until I rescued it and put it back through a hole in the fence into its own garden. His other game was to catch a moth and bring it in doors and play with it; he would then roll over and expect the moth to fly up and play on him, not realising that it had a torn wing by this point and was not able to take turns in this way.

Oh, yes, he did hunt. He would sit under the buddleia trying to stay awake so that he could catch the butterflies that foolishly flew too low. And let me tell you he would leap up very high and do brilliant acrobatics to catch the butterflies and then he would eat them. A hunter catching his own food - although how much nutritional value there is in a butterfly for a cat is a question I cannot answer.

He was not a cat who liked change. He liked his daily routine. He liked his food to be where it was and to be there when he wanted it. Oh, yes, he liked his food. He liked Hill's Science Adult Light, he did not like Hill's Science for the Senior Cat or anything else (except for eating a bit of Runty's even more expensive food for her urinary tract issues - sorry, patient medical confidentiality prevents me from saying more here) but that was it. You could offer him a bit of the very finest sirloin steak or a piece of organic roast chicken, both without any seasoning; he would sniff it and then look at you as if to say; "Yoo ca'nt fuel mee thats' not reel food, reel food is maid bye Mr Hill Science, ha!", and walk off looking most smug at seeing through the con. Yes, a cat who loved his food.

I could write so much more but I suppose I ought to stop now and say what I will miss most.

Well, he was just there. He was there to greet us when we got in, he would find us if he didn't know where we were. One would hear his thumping paws going along and then he would pause to hear where we were with that sniffly, heavy breathing due to his kitten flu and then he would find you and be so pleased.

I am beginning to get used to not seeing him when I get in but I found not seeing him when I did a food shop strange. I miss the way he would give Liz 20 minutes' of totally devoted attention each evening when she was home from work but not with gratitude like an underling but with smug satisfaction.

I will miss him sharing a sun lounger with me not very nicely (and waiting for me to get up so that he could take the commanding position).

I will miss eating meals on the patio and putting out a chair and cushion for him as he would join us.

I will especially miss walking up the garden this summer, doing jobs in the garden and especially hanging out the washing without him. It was genuine friendship, love and companionship.

He loved people, he loved his family - he was always thrilled when Daniel or Zoe visited - and, especially, he loved Liz and me. He was our cat and we were his best friends, his "payrents".

I have had cats all my life and, as a child, had cats who grew up with me and one who lived until he was around 20 (Toots), Liz grew up with the mighty Mitten who even in his latter years when I knew him was a magnficent, large tabby beast, but for sheer all round friendship and love was Biggles.

He loved us both equally, he was a wonderful part of our lives, and we miss him terribly.

A cat very much mourned

2009-03-12T08:40:00.004+01:00

This is Biggles' dad and I have to write with huge sadness that Biggles died between 6 and 6.30pm on Tuesday, 10th March 2009. It feels a bit strange to be writing on his blog without him sitting by the computer or my new laptop (well, shared laptop as he marked it several times a day to establish primary ownership).

Since last autumn Biggles had been losing weight and I suppose we had not also noticed that he was really slowing down and not playing with corky the cork wun, corky the cork won or corky the cork 1 (I have omitted the other cork as his counting was not that brilliant) nor was he playing with fishy on a string, which took a fearful beating from him. He was not there by the front door within seconds of it being open or coming out to guard the shopping while it was carried in. But he still seemed ok, one tends not to notice a slow decline or rationalises it in other ways.

In February we took him to the vet who said he was suffering from hyperthyroidism and that one of his thyroids (yes, cats have two too!) was huge. Medication gradually regulated him and on his last weekend (see photos above) he seemed in particularly fine fettle, his old self. The vet strongly advocated removing one or both thyroids and said that cats function very well without. Certainly, giving him tablets twice a day was not something he particuarly liked even though he was not that uncooperative, but I was not very keen to have to do this to him for the rest of his life, and it also made the thought of going away, even with leaving him in charge, very complicated. So, we agreed on surgery and Biggles was passed fit for it. I must confess I didn't really discuss it with him as I know he would have asked who Sir Gerry was and why Mr Josh was being called a Sir John.

He went in for the surgery on Monday, had both thyroids removed and all seemed to be fine for him to come home the following morning. I brought him home and he seemed really fine for the first couple of hours or so and then he began to decline. I wondered if he was just tired or in pain. I phoned the vet mid afternoon and spoke to the junior vet who rather fobbed me off and said that the blood tests had all been fine and maybe he had just eaten too much food; she did not ask any questions as to what my specific concerns were. I then phoned later and spoke to Mr Josh who did ask some questions and agreed that he should be seen towards the end of surgery at 6.30pm. Biggles then made his way upstairs and went under our bed right up by the headboard; I thought he has either gone to die or for a quiet sleep in a very safe place. He was very difficult to monitor there but I could see that he was breathing.

Around 5.15pm he came out from under the bed and gave two very deep yowls. He slumped on his side and peed on the carpet. He got up and moved a few feet. Now it was clear to me that he was breathing at 3 or 4 breaths a second, was glassy eyed and struggling to stay alive. I phoned the vet and told them that I was bringing him in immediately and that it was an emergency. He was at the vet's by 5.30. Around 6 o'clock I was taken to see him; he had an oxygen bag over his head and he was being given 100% oxygen and he was being given drugs to stimulate the heart. He was clearly failing. I went home and a few minutes after I had got home I was phoned and told he was dead. I phoned his human big bruv, Daniel, and his sister Zoe wot he yoosed to fite for forth plaice in der peckin order (as he would have put it) and, he would add; "I one!!!". I then went to the Tube station to wait for Liz and then we went to the vet to say our goodbyes to the very Best of the Best of the Best. We are both grief struck and I will write another blog entry about just what made him such a very special cat.

Biggles' dad.

I was phoned Mr Josh, the vet, on the next day to be told that histopathology had tested some of the tissue from the very large thyroid that had been removed and found that it had been cancerous, which made the the growths on his spine possibly secondary tumours. Does this explain why Biggles collapsed after the surgery? Not entirely. But I suppose it showed that Biggles was not long for this world.

My dad got in-jew-erd

2008-08-01T18:32:00.002+01:00

The larst thyme wot I woz allowed too blog it woz der 9ff may, along long long long time agow - yoo can sea mee weighting four a tern wot never cum.

Well, der 9ff may was a ver ver bad day cos my dad got in-jew-erd ver badlee. He woz still gowing off to catch der mous in der mousecrap fingy but never ackshirley caching it, rite? well, off he go on 9th may too fale aggen to cach der mous. well, he like too go on his bike and he is sighkling home and he is a good buoy cos he got der flashy lites at der frunt and der back, der hellmet, der brighty ree-flecting belt, der ree-flectas on der peddles, der wite socks and orl. well he cum too der traffick lites wot is green wot meens go!!! (dont' arsk wye cos i do'nt no) so my dad go farster and dis car wot cum der uvver way tern rite and hit my dad.

well, this make me ver ver cross to hert my dad like this. he has to go to der A-N-D at Sent Marys' and he hav too stay their cos his back is hert badlee and they say he carnt cum home for a cupple of days. well, wen he cum home he is know fun at orl he can bearly work or moove, and wen I go flollop for a stroke hee doo not giv me won at orl!!! wot is ver rude. he say he carnt bend or nuffink.

well, he spend lots and lots and lots of time in bed and he mone and grown and orl and take lots and lots of drugs orl the time and he is a proppa old mizery guts.

he never gow back too the mousecrap at orl cos his time for catching the mouse is up and he say that hee is still two pawly too go back. well, at larst he say i can hav a tern on the puter and doo a blog but it has bin sew long it is just not funnee. as four my dad he looks just fine too mee but hee keep moaning and growning bout his back and orl the things he still carnt' doo, blah blah. i arsk him if yoo get a wers in-jew-erd-ree if yoo is a jew, my dad sez no but it can help.

seeriusslee, i is ver ver cross that this stoopid man hert my dad, and i wood like too scrach his ayes owt and kill him four herting my dad. my dad sez wot makes it werss is that his kar was a krap kar corled a kia. Still wen he got a bit betta and cum down stares maw it has meaned that the daws is open lots wen the sun shines and me n runty can go in and owt wen we like.

soo i will rite aggen soon now that i can blog aggen (and my dad has maid up for not strowking me beefour bye giving me lots and lots of strokes since - orltho i has too menshon that him and my mum keep putting oyntment in my rite aye wot maik me cross coz i do'nt liek it. they took me too mr josh wot giv me a luverly nuzzle and doo say that my rite aye is saw (well, cause it is i look throo it, stoopid) and he giv them a oikment).

and gess wot, i has lost 0.7 keelow in wait, mr josh woz ver pleezed. i sed its' cos i doo sew much eggsersize cachin corky der cork and my fevver toy from roses. got too gow, bizzy bizzy bizzy.

A sad storee

2008-05-09T10:54:00.003+01:00

As yoo no, I offen sit on the Graudinia to lern lots of stuff and last satterday their woz a ver ver sad storee bout a cat corled Wilson wot looked like a luverly cat and wot dyed at the age of only 13, like wot my dad sez is oanlee wun yere older than wot me, n runty n gwen the miggit is. and he woz a nice helthy wait like wot i is. mr josh doo say that maybee i has a bit of ohbee city but that is a baw-ring telly pogrom but hooman vets. but he got ver ver pawly and had to bee taken too the vet too bee put too sleep - i can put myself too sleep ver eesily thank yoo and do not knead mr josh, the vet, too doo it four me, thank yoo.

well, wilson dyed and their woz this ver ver nice storee bout it told bye a laydee corled sabine durrant and liek how she tolde her children and how they dun got his ashis (dunno how yoo doo that and my dad wo'nt say) and now my dad sez that wilson has gon too the grate cattery in the sky - i cant' sea it eeven with my brillant aye site, coz i do'nt wont it too forl on my hed, thank yoo ver much!!

wilson mite hav bin orlmost as good a top cat as mee, neerly but not quite of coarse, as i is the top cat hear and my dad says i is the best of the best of the best, and i gard the hous and my territtorree and doo lots of helpin with the jobs, speshally now that danl and zo do'nt liv hear no maw, and when they doo cum they orlweighs bring them uther wuns with them etc etc

enny weigh it is a sad, sweet storee and yoo can find it in family guardinian Satterday, therd of may.

I is a fayl-your

2008-05-02T11:00:00.004+01:00

Well, it is not offen that I admit that I is a fayl-yore cos I is sow brillant I can doo orlmost ennythink but I has found sumthink like wot i cant' doo. As yoo no i is brillant and like to drink worter from the barff down stares, and now runty nose like wot i is maw important in this barff than like wot shee is and she is orl sew drinkin from lots of uvver taps.

well, i has bin trying too cach worter and i tell yoo it is ver ver difficult. worter is slippree stuff and ver tricky. oh, ho, i am shaw my dad wood say, its' cos yoo ai'nt not got a horizontally opposed thum like wot i has. but i tell yoo i has never seen him cach worter nye-ther. well, i doo try but its kwite frustraytin reely and then my dad terns the tap off just wen i think i can doo it cos heesa meenee.

me n runty woz havin a chat bout this by the pongy cloaths barskit, ver nice plaice, and she think i is stoopid too try and cach worter and orl she wonts is too drink! drink! drink! cos she is bonkers. i say i has the booch bole outside two!!!

wen the wether is nice i is poppin up on my shed roof to Sir Vey my territtorree and I let runty yoos it two.

the pritty daffidills has gon now, wot is sad for my cam-yoo-flarj but we has lots of bloo bells in the guardin now wot is pritty but they is not reely bloo - so how cum they is corled bloo bells and not moav/move bells????

runty hav not bin well.........aggen with her bladder problem. she has bin pissin evry wear. mr josh had gon aweigh on a holly-day and there was a small person corled mr then miss low-cum their insted. well, runty dun hav her steer-royds and her anti-bioticd ink-jet-shons but she woz still mizerble and pissing lots in the house with blud innit wot is not good at orl. shee went sleaping in a ver strainj corner in the study on a hidey shelf on some envelopes and my dad say this is not a good sine. so now mr josh giv her more anty-bioticks tabloids wot my dad hav to stick down her gob. i has looked at thees anti-biotick tabloid thingies and they do'nt look like they got ants in them too mee - maybee the ant bit is crushed up, orltho i do'nt see wye eatin ants duz yoo good.

runty doo seam a bit better now but she is still not write. i woz sleapin with her in the studdee on a nice chair and when their woz the narsty thunder in the skye i woz moovin under the bed in the studdee too bee nearer to runty on her shelf and not cos i woz scared of the thunder or nuffink!!! OK!!!!!!!!!!!

my dad is taykin too anti-bioticks at the same time cos he has ver nastee things happning in his teeth routes. i has tolde him if yoo eet the food of mr hills sigh-ence then yoo do'nt get no tooth trubbles but thees hoomans never lissen doo they, eh??

cam-yoo-flarj - can yoo sea mee??

2008-04-15T19:01:00.004+01:00

Can you see me in orl of this??? i is in cam-yoo-flarj (tee hee). now cam you flarge is ver ver important for us huntin and fie-tin beesties!!! oh yes, cos how else can we stork hour pray??? mr attendberger has bin showing a fammly of tygers and they yoos camyoo flarj alot cos it is ver ver yoosfull when yoo is huntin for hills' science and runtys' speshall extra expensive food and that. now, i is hydin in the daffidills orltho orl the flours has now gon wot is a shame cos i like the weigh the daffiydills cum up throo the grars evvry spring time and orl that. and they help mee when i is on petrole and orl that cos i can hide and everythink. of corse sum times i like two bee on my shed so i can sea much moor. yoo hoomans cood lern alot from this yoo no, and from wotchin the tygers on the telly. they is ver big and doo growl lots. i duz not growl lots but doo lots of purring, speshally when the payrents is arownd.

annimal bee-haiv-your

2008-04-15T18:48:00.005+01:00

Now, DOO NOT BEE FRYTEND!!! IT IS OWNLY MEE.

Yes, I is up on my shed as the whether is now gettin better thank yoo. wot is i dooing hear, yoo arsk. well, this trea, sea, hangs over my shed and I doo not runty or nunboddee else thinking that this is there territtorree wen it is mine, so i is marking the tree with my sent. wye is it corled sent, yoo arsk, oh, deer, this is sooooooooo obveeuss, cos the smell is sent (sea) from my speshall glandy plaice out and i leave it on the tree but not on the leaves, ok??

now mr attenburger has been tellin us orl bout a family of tygers on the telly. ver ver intresting to sea the bigger cats (eeven if there not as frytening as me). ware doo tygers cum from, yoo arsk?? simple, from tye-land, ov coarse, stoopid.

these tygers doo alot of huntin and stuff and the mummy has too teech her baybees how to hunt and orl that. i think they shood find a ver ver big bag of hills' science food and they wood not have to run around orl the time arfter food like wot i dont'. but it is ver ver intersting cos they mark the area like wot i doo. and the cubs daddy woz pourly for a bit and anuther young tom tyger dun cum into the air-ree-er and the cubs woz frytend cos the mummy had a ver narsty woond on her tummy and mr attenberger and his frends did not take her to a vet like mr josh wot wood have bin good, orltho he mite loos his thermomeeter if he put it up a tygers' bottom and the tyger mite get cross wot cood be a bit tricky.

wen i is on the shed i can sit down and wotch lots of my territtorree without mooving at orl wot is just sew clever of mee!! innit?

the animals orlso doo ver good hydin in cam-you-flarj and i will put up fotos of me in cam-yoo-flarj, so yoo will have to look more closelier to find me. i think i is ackshirley maw intressting than the tygers do'nt yoo???? (the arnser is YES!)

the queen doo not no her a.m. from her p.m.

2008-04-15T18:23:00.003+01:00

I doo not no wot this is orl abowt and wye my dad ca'nt lern to set up his oan blogg insted of orlweighs borrowing mine and i cant' say know cos its' his compooter. he say he will put up a picksher of mee to showing mee weighting ver nicely for my tern on the puter, so ok.

well, he say that the queen (hoo hee, please?) doo not no his or her A.M from her P.M. and this say that they have a service in the middle of the nite wot is stoopid. i think service meens like wen my food bowl is loe on mr hills science crunchy food and my dad or mum put sum in it.

my dad say that it is lat-in and the queen shood no latin like wot cos she is ver old.

I is not skared of thunda, OK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2008-04-14T17:30:00.002+01:00

Look, the bangy bangs in the skie, wot is corled thunder, is not ver nice bit it is ridikilas too say that I is frytend of it!!! Ho ho ho, of coarse not!!!! wot happend tooday, rite, woz there was a shower and I was sleaping on my bed with runty, rite? and then it orl went bang, write? so wot i did woz go to find my dad in the study, wright? and i thort I wood be less in the weigh if I went under the bed and staid their for a bit, and had a littel nap their. i did cum owt wen my dad dun corl mee and chequed he woz ok, and then I went back under for a bit longer. thats orl. OK????? and now i will go and have a wrest on my dads' desk. and do'nt yoo dair say anythink else.

Yoo must reed this!!!

2008-04-12T12:35:00.003+01:00

My dad say that I ca'nt doo more bloggin until I put this up and tell yoo orl to reed it. My dad sore it in Wemberlee. It look's ok too mee, cant' sea the problem, must have bin quite expensive to maik such a nice yawning thing for the shop, tho. I will blog aggen ver soon.

At bluDDy larst!!!

2008-04-10T16:58:00.004+01:00

Wel, yoo has bin wundering, wear has the gratest blogger in the werld gon?? not just the gratest bloger in the werld but orlsow the moast importint!!!

Thats' wye i has poot up a picksher of mee weighting and weighting too blog - thats' the won on the left...or is it rite?? and the uther won is of mee owt on petrole this spring you-sing cam-you-flarj cos i is cunning and i is not sniffing the pritty flours, ok??

well, wear to start??? well, wye has i not bin bloggin. their was Mary Krissmass cum along, wear we get the tree for Mary but ferst my mums' sister ali dun cum down with them too vary strainj boys of hers' - the wun wot dont' tork and the won wot never stop torking.

then we all sed Mary Krissmass and orl that and gave presents and orl that and Mary did not cum aggen. then danl dun cum with roses for krissmass and zo dun cum with a noo man corled ben wot is ginger like me!!! hooray BUT he corl me sexy beast - i doo not no wot this meens but i think he is joe-king me, and he corl my dad dave wot i no hee doo not like at orl!!! He better not mess with me!!!

I got four krissmass another corky the cork.....or too?? Cos I had corky the corky one and corky the corky won to. now i have corky the cork the uther wun, and corky the cork the wun over their. so, that makes......er......hang on i is countin..........lots!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!

orltho the day is corled mary krissmass we had to have our big meel of turnkey on the other ladeys day, krissmass eve or too give it the propper name eves' krissmass evening. this woz ok by me but woz cos danl woz werking on mary krissmass day, bringing tydings of cumfort and joy (hoo ever they are) to the sick of kingston.

but the rapping payper woz grate and it woz funn funn funn. more pics too follow. this is not rapping mewsick wot certainly make me mew and sick.

then my dad kept telling me to bugger off cos he woz dooing lots and lots of accounting cos other wise it would be fine at the end of january. well, i do'nt sea wye he coodnt' doo the counting at the end of jan-you-airee if thats' when its' fine. then he woz bizzy bizzy bizzy on lots of helth things - do'nt arsk cos i dont' no and i do'nt cair - but he woz werking werking werking. and orl the time he still trying to cach the mouses in the trap thingy. he go out on petrole every nite and sum afternoons to werk this mousetrap thingy but he dont' cach it, doo hee??? sigh.

i is tyred now but their is lots and lots and lots and lots maw to rite on my blog. oh good yes cos my life is as intresting and ecksighting and brilliant as ever.

maw eck-sighting noose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-12T17:01:00.000+01:00

Doo not bee afrayed of these fotose - it is a fearce killin masheen but it is ownly mee.

Well, in the maw noose thing my rite eye (or woz it my left aye) got ver narsty aggen. Now, too show wot I has lernd about spelling, sea, wen an aye is not good it is not saw but the spelling is soar, ok? just like if you have a bad paw the werd is not pawlee but pourly, ok??? Few, I think I got that rite. Well, my aye got ver soar aggen and i was tayken for an eemergencee appointment but Mr Uncle Josh woz not their but a laydee wot is corled Tray-see (a good name when yoo have an I problem). She thort my aye woz ver pourlee and she gave me oinkment, a noo won not Fuckidon, some maw auntie-biotics and a big injeckshon. That woz orl ok but then my mum and dad too times evry day woz sticking the tabloids down my mouth (they were ok and I wood have eeten them ennyweigh and sticking oinkment in my I, wot I got kwite cross about in the end.

I is tayking lots and lots and lots of ecksersize, as yoo can sea from the fotose, playing with corky one and corky one to. I is sorry if I has scared enny of yoo with thees fotose cos I no that yoo think i is a huntin fytin killin masheen, but luckilly my payrents keep mee well fed sew i is pritty gentle with it orl. my dad doo go to a man corled jim at fatness fast for ecksir-sighs but i has my territtorree to wotch, my corkys to play with and i is orlsow the family bodgometer, cos they can tell wot the whether is like cos i is so big and brave that i go out in it and then they can feel my coat and then they no how it is outside. sumtimes i need to check that it is the same in the frunt and the back but my payrents do'nt like me gowing in the frunt even tho it is part of my territtorree.

better get back to my big bed for a bit more wrest beefour the eevnings' werk.

long time know rite long time know sea!!!

2007-12-10T18:45:00.001+01:00

Halo to orl my frends and wreaders and i is ver ver sorry that I has not bloged four such a long time!!! my goodness, do'nt time fly (wot ever that means, the payrents say it but how time can look like an inseckt i do'nt no) when yoo is bizzy. So, lots too rite and i will doo it in littel bitty bits. but as yoo can sea from the fotoes me n runty is just fine (and gwen, yuck yuck is fine two but she ai'nt gowing to bee in my blog, thank yoo very much!!).

Well, wear to start??? It is getting colde and but i still big and brave and go out in orl whethers and this is extreemly yousfull for the payrents cos they no wot the whether is like by fealing my feurrr - i is noan as the bodgometer. but thats' the life of a top cat innit, out i go in orl whethers to check up on the territtorree and orl that. runty, of coarse, is starting to piss in the hous aggen cos she do'nt like getting a chilly bottom. she woz going up the ver ver top corner of the guardin too get the larst of the sunshine but she has stopt dooing eeven that now!!

a weak arfter my larst blog the payrents went aweigh to a hoatell for a nite and left me in charj, natch. well, dad popped to the jim wot he doo and my mum whent for a swim but she slipt on the side of the pool - she is a bit clumsee, sea, ennyweigh, honnest and beeing a biped she dun forl over. we orl no about bipeds and forling over do'nt we, oskers' staff, eh? and braking the rist and orl that. and zo and the tree stump and orl that. not brilliant like me and never forling or slipiping cos i is a slim brillant cat. well, my mum dun hert herself and that eevening insted of a nice supper (tho not propper food like wot i eet) they woz with a Dr John Radcliffe Infermerree wear the peepel woz ver nice. their is no broken bones but a huge hee-mah-toe-mah (dunno wot that is).

well, my mum has bean off werk since then wot is ver ver nice altho breckfarst is bluddy laite these days. but the reel problem is that she is not sharing nicely my bed......our bed, i suppose. as yoo no when it is not ver worm outside i likes to sleap on my nice king size dubble bed wot i is happy to share nice with runty, but my mum has bin moast shellfish and is lying in the bed lots and lots and she doo not share it nicely. i thort it wood be nice too have her their and i doo get more strokes and orl that but she take up alot of spaice like wear i wont too sleap!!! i think she has taken a hint and is getting up maw now but wile i is simpathetic ect ect she needs to lern to share nicely like wot i duz, arfter orl it woz her wot woz orlweighs gowing on at me about sharing nicely and orl that.

i is keepin ver fit tho and is playing with corky-the-cork won and corky-the-cork won two......but more about that and my pour eyesey-piezzee next time.

top cat and most important blogger in the werld, biggles.

a bit of a bad weak end

2007-11-05T17:18:00.000+01:00

well, it woz not a ver good weak end four mee. ferst brekfarst woz a bit on the laite side then i had gwenny reely reely cornerd in the play room like wot she cood not get out of, eckstrar good cornerd, and my dad sore mee and told me to leve her aloane, so i nipped out throo the cat flap sharpish and my dad came out of the kichin daw and i had to go harf weigh up the guardin (still it woz bluddy good fun) but i did not care cos the whether woz sew nice.

then i had settled for my seeriuss sleap on my king size bed wot i share nicely with the payrents, cos i is that sort of cat wot shares nicely, ho hum, and my mum throes me off and strips off orl the sheets and doovay cuvver and pillose and orl, wot woz a most unplezzant shock. so i gets back up on too the mattriss and i start too settle down aggen cos i is reely tired and its' my bed dew-ring the day and orl cos its' a time share (nicely) and orl that and its' MINE!!!! and this time. and she through mee off aggen and put clean sheats and orl on and clean doovay cuvver and orl like wot do'nt have the nice smell, and then i cood get on it for my sleap. honnest the weigh payrents go about dooing things at times wen the bed is'nt even there's unless they is very pourly. and my dad woz'nt eeven their too save me but he did give me a nice stroke layter.

and then in the eevning their woz lot's of horrible bangs cos of this cuttlery thing guy forks. horrible and it maid mee orl miserble and i had to sit on my mum lots (my dad is out orl the time in the eevnings now trapping mouses or sumthink) cos i woz not happy at orl.

then i got cached aggen on sunday mourning chaysing gwen (yuk! yuk!). this time i had her traped on top of the gas fire wot we woz yoosing when the raydee-eighters woz orl colde, and aggen my dad telled me off, rotten meeney. but this time i just poped out throo the cat flap for a min and had a nice littel wosh.

oh, yes, mr pat finishd putting in the noo boiler for the tinee drying room and had to put a raydee-eighter in their to cos the noo boiler thing is yoosless and hardly gives out enny heat in that room - mr pat sez this is corled ee-fish-n-see, i corl it bluddy yoosless. he has orlsow maid orl the raydee-eighters go nice and hot aggen so the hole house feels much nicer aggen. i still do'nt sea wot a silly central heeting boiler wot only heet the center, like that littel cubberd, got too doo with the ray-dee-aters not werking. well, they doo now and mr pat sez that he has got rid of twenty to yeres of muck as well.

my mum sez she wo'nt go too yogat toonite cos of the bangs and will stay with us, but my dad wot has beecum shellfish sez he is gowing out mousetrapping aggen this eevning. sum peepel!

Wee still has know heeting in the hous!!!!

2007-10-31T17:56:00.001+01:00

Wee still has no sentral heeting, not that I care ver much if the silly littel drying room has a boiler in it or not cos I is not aloud to sleap ver offen on the clothes when they is nice and toasty dry on top. Wot I bluddy well doo care is how cum the ray-dee-eighters is still colde???? Mr Pat has bin werking hear four too hole days now, yesterday with mr ed wot doo the brick stuff and twoday (cos its' day too) with yung maff-you (funny name) but still it is'nt finished!!!

Gwen (yuck) have werked out that their is a nice toasty fire in the playroom and she is having nice toasty sleaps in frunt of it. me n runty doo not like the noisee olde blowey things wot my dad put out wot blow hot heir around, so we makes the best of a bad job on a bed with a doovay.

it woz sew noisee tooday that i thort i wood have a quiet sleep in the guardin as it is not to cold and wot happens??? dad cum out and get out the lorn mower and cut up orl the leaves. is their know piece in this werld ennywear for a cat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (ooh, i not dun that in a long long time, tee hee).

larst nite wen dad woz out i did not just follow my mum about and spend lots and lots and lots of time on her lap cos i is upset bout the mess mr pat am maiking in my territtorree. no no. it woz to reashure my mum that evrythink is orl rite, cos she can get up set when the house is ver ver messy (not that it is ever tye-dee).

well, life is ver ver tyring, i can tell yoo that much for nuthink.

PS My dad say he woz telling a yung laydee corld lorer/lawrer??? about my blog and she say to narsty things. ferst she say that she doo not like cats - well i do'nt like yoo then, miss lorner. therd (or is that seckond??) she say that she doo not beleave that i wright this blog!!!! well, hoo doo she think rite it then, eh, not my payrents thats' four shore and it ai'nt runty and gwen not allowed upstares. then she say to my dad that lying is a sin. i has never bin sew insulated in orl of my lyfe!!! and ennyweigh wot is a sin??? i no the werds IN and OUT but not SIN and SOUT, and i no the werd SING cos my dad doo it sumtimes and ver narsty it is too. well, I doo lye. i lye on my left side (or is that my rite?) and i lie on my write side (or is that left?) and sumtimes when it is ver very luvly and toasty hot outside I lie on my back and toasty orl my tummy, luvly. i wunce sore a bit of a film wear a man dun sing; I'm sinning in the reign, just sinning in the reign.....dunno if thats' rite. i cood arsk my dad wot this sin thing is but i to bee onnest i car'nt bee botherd. she have never red my blog or osckers' or paddy ebenez'ers, so she do'nt no nuthink. so i say too yoo miss lorner (and this is not the nice lorner griftits wot yoosed to rite too mee when i woz ferst blogging but then stopped, boo hoo), poo and maybee i do'nt like yoo!!!!

PSPS my dad sez that i am the best of the best of the best, sew their!!!!!!!!!!!

dooing good jobs!!

2007-10-30T10:45:00.001+01:00

NO NO DOO NOT BE FRYTEND BY THESE FOTOS!!
i'ts not a wilde dangeruss jungly beest wot has escaped from the zoo or the jungly its mee. i no at a kwick glance yoo woz probbly a bit frytend by the fotose of a big brave top cat tipe beesty but its' just mee.

Bizzy bizzy time in the guarden. my dad deesided that the guardin fernitcher woz gowing to be put aweigh in the big shed cos the sun shine and orl that is not so worm now (probbly cos there central heeting is browken two) and me n runty is not sunday barthing on the tables or on hour loungers.
natch, this is an important job putting orl the chairs and table in the Big Shed and my dad orlweighs need my help to check insighed the shed and check that noboddy is going to steel nuthink wile he doo it. runty dun cum two but she do'nt doo no jobs and she just trot arowned sniffing stuff. here is three (or is that fore, i no i'ts more than to, yep im pritty shaw its' three?) fotos of me guardin the guardin fernitcheur in the guardin (or the same werd, yay!!!). on the woody pile wot the tree sir-johns left and on the nice new chares when dad woz putting more aweigh, to gard them.

i arsk my dad how cum the luvly sunny whether like wot me n runty (and eeven gwen - yuk) luv sew much, how cum it go and we get the narsty colde wet whether like wot i has too go out on petrole in. my dad say it orl ver ver complicated but it a bit like mooving ferther aweigh from a fire - well, wee no lots bout fires at the moment cos the raydee-eighters is orl colde!!! that no joke. my dad say if yoo go to the center of the erth in the middle to a plaice corled the ee-kwait-er then it it sunny hot orl the year round!!! well, i went to look for this on my map of the werld in the kichin and i looked for a plaice in the center of the hole wide werld corld ee-kwaiter and i cood not find it. I thort it wood probbly bee on the Central line (the orangy wun cos that gose orl throo the middel but it woz not their so i looked on the cercle line (yellow wun) and nuthink their two. he orlso say that they it ver nice and worm in winter in the west indies and yess, i found that on the map of the werld it have a stayshon corld West India Quay wot is on the DLR wot is littel bit of the werld wot is greyey greeney and they did not bother to culler it in propper in the middel (tippical, eh??). Well, that is a very very long weigh aweigh from hear in my territtorree and orltho i luv the sun and wen it is worm i is sertenlee not going that far.

trubbles with my dad number too

2007-10-30T10:09:00.000+01:00

ok, look, i think my dad (and maybee my mum to) is going mad aggen. it happend a few munths ago and it happening aggen. it is not funny but very wurrying. yoo remember like wen i rote that my dad sed that orl the clocks in the house wer mooving fourward, so i woched them and did'nt sleap or nuthink, and i told yoo that nun of them mooved. well, i had the same trubble the uther day cos he say that orl the clocks is mooving backwards that nite. it can be scaree wen yoo is told that things in the house will moove ....... well, not scaree for me, of corse, cos i is a tuff top cat but yoo no the feemails get scared and orl that.

ok ok, hear is too fotos of to clocks, rite?? wun is on the worl in the kichin and wun is an old fashonned wyndee up wun. the kichin wun is on the worl and car'nt moove backwerds at orl the uther wun is orlmost tuching the worl and carnt' moove only a tye-knee bit but it did'nt!!!!

the hooman werd for this condishon is sigh-co-siss, cos peepel sigh and say oh deer when this happen. well, i think my dad got a ver bad case of sigh-co-siss over clocks and maybee he have to go and sea a person wot deel with sigh-co-siss wot is corled a sigh-kye-at-risk. i doo try too tell him that the clocks doo not moove but he do'nt lissen as yoojoo-orl.

ackshirley, has yoo ever looked at a clock??? i dunno why hoomans have them. thay say its' too tell the time - too tell the time whot???? they do'nt tork???? i has looked at them. the kichin wun has a switty littel red stick pointy thing wot go tickety tickety tick round and round kwite farst, then it have a black wun wot go round much more slowlier, then a littel black pointy thing wot moove ver slowly - i has wotched it and it is ver ver slow. and then there is numbers on it, not menny but it gose more hi than like wot i like to count so its' quite lots. but they is ownly their so that sum times wun payrent will say too the uther - "look at the time!!!!" - much good that doo. or thay look at the clock and say; "oh, bugger wee missed that pogrom on the telly".

my dad sez their are orlsew digital clocks but i has not scene them. they has a few with numbers ownly wot doo counting but i no that digit means finger so it wood be a clock with lots of fingers on it and we do'nt got nun like that.

if my dad or my mum go reely reely barmee i will tell you.

trubbles with my dad number wun

2007-10-30T10:00:00.001+01:00

it happening aggen. my dad went out the uther weak and started getting or the leaves off the grarss. he doo this evvry yere and orl that happen is that more of them forl down. why?? i has eggs-plained this too him and too yoo beefour!! cos leaves is corled leaves cos they leaves the trees and forl on the ground and then you just leaves them alone and then they go aweigh in the end.

i say this too my dad, look dad, just leaves the leaves like wot that is wot they is corled four, ok? he say that he needs to get rid of the leaves cos sumwun tolde him they is bad for the grarss. well, have yoo ever scene hour grarss?? well it moastly dandylions and moss ennyweigh, so i do'nt sea wot a few leaves is going too doo. he yoosed too doo it with ray-king and stuff and that woz nice and kwiet but he maid him miserble so he bort a sucky blow blow thingy and that woz ver noisy but he thort it woz no more kwicklier than ray-king. then he bort a knew bigger lorn mower for cutting the grarss (it still orlweighs orlweighs grow back but he never lern and take aweigh my jungly bit wot i like) and now he doo the leaves with that. he reely sad and if he lissened too mee he wood'nt have too doo it.

of corse if he woz reely clever he wood stick the leaves on the trees so they do'nt forl down or bye trees wot do'nt has leaves wot leave the trees, like wot is named arfter that laydee, conny furr.

wot a bizzy life i leeds!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-26T09:50:00.000+01:00

halo, well at the time of righting i ca'nt put up know pickshers wot makes me very cross but its the silly bloggy thing wo'nt let me do, my dad say it is a softwhere problem.

well, wear to start?

I woz not ver ver well and had too go and sea mr uncle josh, the veritenirer........ vetinary....... vertiner...... oh, thingy, vet sirjohn. cos i had a ver weepy aye and the other woz orlsow saw (cos ayes doo get saw cos yoo sea throo them, sea?) but i do no how to spell the werd for not well - yoo orl think i is gowing to rite pawly but yoo is rong - ha! ha! cos i has looked it up, the spell the werd for not beeing well - pourly cos yoo is pour. clever me, getting that won rite eh??

well, my ayes-y-pyses doo get saw cos i has these blocked ducks from when i woz a tye-knee baby and had the floo. so mr josh dun put oinkment in my ayes, and an injeckshon. my dad orlso say to mr uncle josh that he is wurried bout how i is working. mr josh say i woz working like jon waine (hoo hee??) and then he look at my bottom and say it is ver ver saw. well, i cood have told him that myself, i has had a ver sor botty for kwite a long time but i think that the botty is most pryvet so i did not tell my payrents. ferst mr josh stick a thingy up my botty wot is ver ver rood too doo!!! and say my temperatyour is fine - i no my frend paddy ebenezer like this stick up the botty but i think it is not at orl nice thank yoo ver much!!!!! so, mr josh put oinkment on it wot woz not nyther. mr josh then give me an injeckshon of auntie-by-otic wot i is very good about. he orlso way me and say that i is waying two much and i cood becum a dye-a-bettick - well, i is not going to beecum that cos i is a cat orlreddy.

mr josh send us home with more aunti-bye-0ttick wot acksherley taste ok. and too oinkments!! won four my ayes and wun four my bottee. they is just like hooman oinkments. my dad has yoosed an oinkment corled fuckidin (he wo'nt let me say wear but it is on his bottee, tee hee, tho he say it woz a long time ago, and zo has yoosed it on her lips when they crack) and i had fuckiton for my ayes and fuckitup for my bottee. Sew, too times a day my payrents grab me and stick the tabloids down my mowth, then my mum doo my ayes and my dad doo my bottee wot woz ver saw for the first cupple of days. i did not liek this gowing on too times ever day and only stopped when my mum got porely and went to bed with a bad colde. my dad tride on his owne and he cood doo my ayes but he cood'nt werk out how too doo my bottee on his own(tee hee), cos wun weigh he coodnt' sea my bottee and the uther weigh i cood run aweigh. ha ha ha.

but seeriussly, my payrents woz wurrid bout my working so my dad rushed me back to mr uncle josh ferst thing on the mundee mourning. but bye then i woz working ok but mr josh looked at my bottee and orl and stuck his finger rite up my bottom!!!!!! well, that woz most incrediblee rood!!!!! wot he think he dooing??????? he saying he checking my poo and that orl is ok up their!!!!!!!!!! reely, orl he have too doo is arsk nice and politely, i sumtimes wunder bout mr uncle josh even tho he the nicest veriterineriree sirjohn we has ever had.

wye has i not bin blogging? cos my dad has bin saying that he has bin two bizzee lerning lots of lines and he not leaving the pooter on - coo he is shellfish. wot doo hee meen???? how can yoo lern lines, yoo draw them????? ah, then i werk it out he has bin looking at my map of the hole werld - even outside zone 6 and trying to lern the lines on their like northen, baykerloo, cercle (wot is not a cerckle - tippical hooman rong) ect and orl the wons wot is not cullered in yet, liek wot go too the end of the werld at gravesend ect. he say it got nuthink too doo with that but got too doo with sumthink corled the mousepoo or mousecrap. but i will test him on how menny of the stayshons names he has lernd, just yoo weight!!!!!

wot else????

oh yes, the sentral heeting boiler is total broke and mr pat say he hav to fit a noo won. in case yoo has not red my uther blogs this is a tippical hooman get-it-rong. sentral heeting doo not heet the centre of the house at orl but just a little cubberd and the rest is dun by the ray-dee-ayters wot doo not ray-dee-ate. so the house is bluddy cold and their is the odd noisee fire around but it not much good. of corse, beeing a brillant top cat with lots and lots of luverly furr i is fine (orltho i doo preefurr it when it is nice and worm in the house) but my payrents wot do'nt has no furr, hah!! is moning moaning bout it beeing colde everywear. runty do'nt have much furr and she do'nt like it and gwen ai'nt got her ray-dee-eighter too strech out on. the payrents mone cos the barthroom is colde and the towels do'nt dry ect ect ect mone moane moan. look, hoomans if yoo had a lot of furr and yoo licked yoreself clean and cood reech yore own bottom too lick yoo wood have nun of thees problems cos we is just better orl round!!!!!!!!!!! they has hot worter cos they got sumthink corled an immershon heeter in the tank???????? pardon??????? ca'nt bee botherd too arsk him wot that meen.

oh yes, and then yesterday the kettle wot my dad bort ownly last febbree from mr john lewis. he say this is the last straw!!!! no, sorree dad, its' a kettle and hav nuthink too doo with straw and thay has a ver ver old wun with a baykerlite handle wot they poot on the gas. if they just drank from a butch bole outside like wot i duz they wood not need a kettle at orl.

wot else??? oh yes, zo fell over and broke her arm. well, that make too persons. their's oskers mum wot fell over her owne frunt step when not drunk and still have problems with her rist. zo fell over a tree trunk stump wot the cownsill left (i no wot a cow is but not a cownsill), wot woz orl dark. danl wot has werked in a-n-d say the brake not bad and the orthopod say it heeling well. still, and i no i has sed this beefour but i say it aggen, if hoomans worked on orl fors like wot cats duz they wood not forl over and brake bones. maybee with eva-lotion hoomans will eevolv to work on orl fors in the end cos its' better.

i has probblee fourgot lots. oh yes, my bruv and sister cum to sea mee larst sunday. danl brort roses as joojooal wot is orlweighs ver nice to me n runty and zo brort sumwun noo corled ben wot is a ginger like mee!!!! so thats' ok!!!!!! its' orlweighs grate to see my bruv and sister (even tho zo still wont to fite mee for the pecking order wot i is higher in th pecking order than wot she is, and danl am orlweighs rood bout my wait cos he is jelluss of mee cos he not clever enuff to bee a vet and ownlee doo dockter werk on hoomans so he car'nt tuch my bottom!!!!).

i will blog aggen soon and get sum nice noo fotoes of me up on the blog.

Tosca Runty Nu-Nu

2007-10-11T09:44:00.001+01:00

Hello, hello. My dear friend Biggles has very kindly allowed me to use his blog to tell you that my mummy came home a little while ago!! She came and stayed for the night and then she went!! And then she came back again for a night and then she went!!! I am still sleeping on her bed every every evening because I am sure she will come back again very very soon and not abandon me the way she has done in the past for months and months and months, not that my daddy is not lovely to me and gives me my special affection every evening (except when he doesn't!!!), but I do need to see my mummy some times because she is my mummy. I know I have been doing a few wee-wees behind the door but I am feeling calmer again. I wish to thank Biggles for letting me use a little bit of space on his blog. My tail!!!!!!!!!.........evil!!!!!!!!!!!!! evil!!!!!!!!!! tormenter.........!!!!!!!!!!!! I will bite you off, you evil tail tip!!!!!!! ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you hurt me when I bite you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kill, kill, kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will bite, bite, bite you again for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gess hoo?? (Me, biggles in case yoo do'nt gess). Just a kwick werd bout the Zo cumming home. It is orlweighs nice too sea my sister wot is lower than me in the peckin order but she do'nt stay long. But the payrents told me she had forlen over larst weak and broken her arm - and no she do'nt drink no alcohol, but she like oskers' mum and do'nt no how to stand up. Oske'rs mum as wee no fell over her owne frunt step and her rist am still know good a hundrid yeres layter. Zo say it wer a tree stump wot the cown-sil left and wot woz orl dark in the eevning and she cood'nt sea wen carrying stuff. I is of cause ver sorry that Zo has broke her alm but i think this just showe that hooman beans wot with working on too legs so they got there horizontally opposed thum (blah blah) just ai'nt as good as like wot we is wot work on orl for pours and orlsow hoomans doo not hav cats' eyes for seaing at nite like wot wee has. Sew it just sho hoo is soopee-reeor aggen. oh yes, the payrents went to sea zo at the weakend and left me in charj orl day, nach, and thay say she ai'nt to bad and the arm shood get better ok. danl sed her brake yoojoolee heel pritty ok.

dad moaning and sentrle heeting

2007-09-28T10:04:00.001+01:00

My dad is moaning. danl has not tayken his nice offis chare yet and me n runty thort it wood be nice too sleep on a cumfy chare eech, i am on dads' and sh'es on danls'. and very cumfy for a nice sleep they is two. but my dad is then saying, ware doo i sit and i sez their is a ver nice wight chare yoo can yoos, thank yoo. and he say thats' not fare, i is topper than yoo in the peckin order and the white chare is orl hard and i do'nt like it ect ect moan moan moan. look, i sez too him, that wight chair is ver nice and ver good four yoo and yoo shood not complane cos yoo do'nt hav to go out on petrole and gard the propertee and the territtorree and yoo has not bin in to fites in the last few daze ect ect ect, and runty is bonkers so theirs' nuthink yoo can doo bout her. well, he get orl sulky and yoos the wite chare but i no he is not pleesed but i still let him stroke me lots and thats ok, but he doo look grumpy bout it.

they is starting to put the sentrle heeting on aggen, hooray!!!!. in case yoo do'nt no wot this is, well it is egg-sackly wot its name is not. but that is tippical of hooman-beans to get things orl rong. no, centrel heeting duz not meen that yoo just heet a bit of the middle of yore home, the sentral bit, in fackt it meens the opposit that yoo has heeting everyware, so it shood be corled everyware heeting. my dad sez it is corled sentral heeting cos yoo only have won sauce of heet (well, i never put hot sauces on my hills sigh-ens food, so he torking rubbish aggen). he sez its' cos it orl cums from the wun boy-ler - i no orl about the boyler, thank yoo, cos i has jumpt up and slept on it when it is nice and cumfy with dride cloaths on it. not oanlee is the name sentral heeting orl rong but then the hoomans say that the heet cums out of ray-dee-eight-ers; well, this is just total rong cos we has more than eight and the won thing that the hot metal thingies doo not doo is ray-dee-ate, no, the hot worter inside wooshes round and round and is conducted throo the metal too the outside and then it is convected up and out and in hour house cos it is corled late-victorian (that meen it wos not finished on time by a mr victorian) and we has ver high sealings, we has ver ver worm sealings and bluddy colde flaws.

oh, yes, hour nice cleener has gone back to poland to visit her fammly for a weak. lots of peepel cum to ingerland from the too poles since they joined the He You (wot ever thing that is). i did not arsk her beefour she left which pole she cum from, the north or the south. i has bin looking at my map of the werld and i ca'nt find a stay-shon for poland (a stay-shon, bye the weigh, is wear the tranes stay for a bit so peepel can get on and off, and it is brite with lite shon in it, so, stay-shon; simple werking out werds, innit). i think with the globul worming and the melting of the north poland ice cap they has had to close the nearest stayshons to the poal cos i looked at an old map of the werld and the orange line yoosed to go orl the way to Ongar on a speshal littel trane for the colde from Epsom but they stoppt it cos of the lossing of ice, i think, at the north poland, well it is ver ver at the top of the werld their. i is not kwite shure wear the south pole is but i think it mite bee on wun of those lines wot the hoomans fourgot to culler in, and i think it is probbly East Grinstead cos peeple say thats the end of the werld a ded end. but oskers' blind starff (paddys' blind mum) sed sumthink bout gravesend and chatham reely beeing the ded end of the werld, so i is not kwite shore their.

off too doo sum jobs now.............or maybee just a tye-knee littel nap ferst.

PS doo yoo no wot is the moste bootifull sound in the hole wide werld?? it is the tinkle tinkle sound of my payrents pooring sum luverly hills sigh-ence crunchies in my bole. ah, luverly, i orlweighs purr lots at that.

PS wot dus PS meen?? my dad sez it is latin like eg, ie, AM, PM, etc. qed, exit, medium (but not smorl or larje) etc. well, they do'nt no how to rite propper werds in wear they speek Latin, and ack-shirley I duz no wear they speak Latin, in Latin America, of coarse!. Sea, I is a very clever top cat to have werked that out orl on my only self.

ennyweigh, anuther PS. Paddys' blind mummy (thats' osk'ers blind starff) has gon on holiday to Cyprus. Well, I looked that up on my map of the werld and it is far far aweigh, only too stops from the end of the merky greeny line wot they fourgot to culler in in the middel at Beckton. I hav never bean that far aweigh from my territtorree. i hope it is sunny and nice four her their.

Relly-Johns duz not wont yoo too eat!!!!

2007-09-27T10:54:00.000+01:00

My dad bin telling me that Relly-Johns duz not wont yoo too eat nice food at the moment!!

First, the choose (or is it chews?) has just had a thing corled Your Kipper ware yoo is supposed not too eat or drink nuffink for a hole day and nite!!! And the muslins has a thing corled Rammy-Dan wear they say yoo can eat at nite but mustn't in the day time for a hole munth. Hoomans corl this thing a farst but it look bluddy sloe to mee!! Well, of corse I farst evry day when I is on petrole or having a barth or when I is asleap, and at nite we is in the playroom and has too farst cos hour boles are in the kichin, but it is'nt a rool or ennything, and of corse I woz very miserble when my dad changed the food too narsty hills sigh-ense seen-eeor citizen cat food, and that woz neerly a farst but me n gwen eight runtys' food insted, but its' not a rool or ennythink, just my dad beeing stoopid as yoojooal.

So, wot this farsting rule orl about, how cum these relly-johns think its a good idea not too eat??? as a cat wot thinks lots and lots about his food it seams two mee pritty pointless and stoopid, i mean it carnt be helthy or ennything not too eat. bonkers if you arsk me. kristy-anns can also doo farsty things but not sow much, and they have a thingy corled lent ware they give up on the things they have lent too peeple and do'nt arsk for them back for lots of weaks - not so clever eyether cos the peeple mite loose the things wot they has borrode.

my dad says the choose have now mooved on to something corled arfter a lady corled Sue Cot. In this yoo is supposed to bild a littel hous out of speshal leaves and twigs and things and put yore cot or bed in it and sleep in it for a hole weak. I sed to my dad that sumtimes i sit under the table wot me n runty sunday baythe on when its' reigning hard, and wood this count. he sed no cos the roof got to be open to the sky. i sed, i sleeps outside when its' nice and sunny and worm and did this count. he sed know aggen cos it not nite time and yoo is supposed to be uncumfy and miserble and yoo got too eet in it to. he sed it had too bee at nite and i sed i liked my cumfy sofa thank yoo ver much or my chare for nite and it wood be darft too sleap outside and orl that now.

it seams to mee that wot these relly-johns is dooing is maiking yoo feel totally miserable so that when yoo stop yoo then feel happy and greatful and say thank yoo nice relly-john life is much better aggen. well, let me tell yoo i can feel perfeckly happy and greatfull without stopping eating and drinking for a long time and sleaping outside when its' getting coald at nite, or lending corky the cork to runty (not gwen!!!) for weaks and not getting it back, thank yoo ver much!!! this relly-john thingy is yet annuther of them totally darft thingies wot hoomans doo wot we cats has bin far two sensible to bother with.

PS and shhhhh this is a seecrit. I has bin in anuther fite and got a bit of a cut abuv the uther eye the rite......or is the left? ennyweigh, my dad is just a bit kross bout it and is worning me that I mite have too go too mr uncle josh the vet wot i do'nt wont too doo but i has to protect my territtorreeee!!!!

the uther biggles

2007-09-25T12:38:00.001+01:00

well, as yoo may no, their is annuther biggles but he is not a reel true biggles like me but woz ownlee in storees. well, like me he was brillant and incrediblee brave and orl that. and he woz a flyer in the storees (wot i think is not a ver good ideea) and he had a best frend corled ginger. so cos i is ginger i is corled biggles, sea, but you probbly no this orlreddy. well, biggles floo in a plane corled a sopwith camel (do'nt look nuthing like a cammel too me - but that just like hoomans innit? oh look, wot shall we corl this plain, well it do'nt look nuthing like a cammel so lets' corl it that, brillant!!!!). well, it woz a fyeter plain, natch, orltho i car'nt kwite sea how plains fort, and my dad sez it was a bye-plane. i has been trying to werk this won owt and i think it woz corled a bye-plain cos when it took off and went aweigh you waived it goodbye and said; bye plane! and i suppose, when it woz cumming back in and landing yoo corled it a hello-plane. and the name woz two long with both on it so they shortend it too bye-plane. yeah. i am not shure that the biggles in the storee woz as brave as i am but then he woz onlee in storeys and i am reel and troo and doo reel petroles and get into reel fites and orl that, and he woz a captin or sumthink and i am a top cat wot is hyer.

neerly time for a cumfy sleep on a bed but i must tell you i got a terrible shock the uther day. i woz on petrole and on my weigh back home and was going past the big shed (wot is mine to clime up on but i have not bin dooing it this summer, not that i cood'nt if i wonted too) and theirs my dad up their, on the roof!!! well, i can tell yoo i had a bit of a shock for a minnit. and he woz banging and banging aweigh. my mum sed he woz pooting a new roofing felt stuff on the roof beefour the big storms, but she did'nt say wot it felt like just felt........????? i has to say i think it wood have been polight if he had arsked if he cood go on my shed roof ferst but i woz a weigh at the time on the bigger petrole. and then their woz a big windee storm the neckst nite so maybee my dad woz a bit clever for wunce. oh, yes, and he cheeted to get up cos he yoosed a laddery step thingy wear-as i clime up orl on my own.

time for my hard erned sleap now.

I got intoo a fite!!!

2007-09-24T17:57:00.001+01:00

i got intoo a fite. well, the payrents went owt four the eevning to sea sumboddy corled spamalot (strainj naim). and, of coarse, they go owt i has maw too doo. so i went owt on petrole and orl propper and their woz this uther cat wot i had too sea off. the payrents notist i had blud arownd my rite i (eye?) (or woz it the left?) and a narsty bit of bluddy stuff on my hed. they arsked wot had happend but i di'dnt tell them cos of cats' honner and orl that - sum things we just do'nt tell - like hoomans, like when the payrents is planning a holly-day, even tho they do'nt take no holly from the holly tree in the gardin on that day (tippical hooman stoopidity). well, i is reecuvring fine and did not knead too go too sea mr josh vet or werk enny less. no no, i has solejerd on like wot yoo wood orl expect.

the fotos show yoo that i duz not hang around or just sleep. hear yoo can sea mee keeping myself fit and on gard and reddy for the fite. oh yes, i has orlweighs bin particular hard on ded leaves, I can pouns and distroy them and tare them to bits enny time and with my fearsomness. menny a ded leaf has sufferd at my amaysing hunting skills. i orlso cort and eight an inseckt the uther eevning. this is orl corled tray-ning, hoomans doo it to practis working around on oanly to legs by carrying a tray, thats' wye its' corled, tray-ning, sea? simple.

a ver bizzy cat!!!

2007-09-18T15:28:00.001+01:00

I no that sum of yoo duz not bileeve that I doo my jobs propper cos sew menny of the fotos of mee i is asleep. well, this is cos I is such a farst moover that two menny fotos of me is bleurred when i moove.

ok, so hear is mee dooin three jobs:

gardin the cat fud
gardin the guardin by hidin in a flour bed wear i is ver well camyouflarjed (wot mean i is hard too sea sow take yore time if yoo do'nt sea mea at ferst)
out on petrole.

er, ackshirley, the uther job wot i is dooing and did on my oan inishativ my dad woz not sew pleesed and did not thank me!!! well, he put the woshin into the barskit and brort it in, rite? well, obveeussley yoo car'nt risk just leeving their like that, enny wun cood steel it (plus it looked ded cumfy and coazee), so I thort i wood lie on it to keep it safe. and i orlsew no that my mum has blowses wot if they is folded ver nicely doo not knead the full irony, so I woz giving thees nice blowses a nice press - sort of mini irony. my dad is out in the guardin cutting the grarss (yes, I no, aggen, yes, i no, i have tolde him it will gro back, yes, i no, he never lissens - hopeless), so i is giving the blowses a ver nice press and orl that and he cum in and get me off!!! well, theirs thanks four yoo, thats' the larst time i bother to help him owt bye showing inishativ, i can tell yoo!! (and it was ded cumfy to).

my frends has bin riting bout my dads' incredibly stoopid and boring poast, for wot i is ver sorree and he sez i car'nt take down (rotten meenee). and he is still chequing that it is still their sew i carnt' sneek on and take it off..........yet.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my frends n mee is orlsow trying to werk out this pew-bertie illness and orl that wot doo sound exteemlly narsty. there woz a black cat wot lived near hear and i think he had this illeness cos he woz ver ver rood and wood growl and yowl very lo and hiss and sware and thretton to scrach. but he oanly had wun frunt leg so he wood thretten with his stump wot woz not vary scary. but i think hee did not liv a long time.

well, baybees just doo cum from mr Mayhew home and how they orlso cum in litter trays with a few kittens i just do'nt no and nor duz osker. like paddee, i do'nt think we shood wurry two much about it and just enjoy hour food.

danl and roses has left for sarff wimbledon. this is a ver ver long weigh aweigh cos i has looked at my map of the werld and it is a long weigh on the black line, kneely to the uther end of the erth. the payrents helpd them moov and took lots and lots of stuff. they has a top cat of wun (ha ha) the small archy-bald-ness, two bee honest wot is top cat of WUN wot orlso make him BOTTOM CAT ha ha. well, he ai'nt gowing to be much yoos, not like me a propoer top cat. i is sorree they has gon cos it woz nice having them hear even if danl is jellus of mee and sez narstee things bout me, i forgiv him cos i is mateur.

this is the moast embarrassing thing ever on my blog

2007-09-12T17:52:00.001+01:00

This is the moast embarrassing thing ever ever ever on my blog.

My dad do'nt have a blog, rite? cos he two stoopid too set won up and cos he got nuffink too say ennyweigh. i duz not hav a compooter, rite, so has to yoos his pooter but i has lots and lots too say like wot is ver ver intresting and important.

my dad has been nagging and nagging me that he wont to borrow my blog so that he can show yoo these pickshers and tell yoo bout wot they are. i ca'nt stand it enny longer. so, really sorry bout this and yoo can stop reeding this.

they dun up a horl (dad sez yoo spell it HALL but that ridicyooluss cos it do'nt sound ennything like that) corled the festival horl and wen they opened the horl aggen they had a big party and stuff cos they think they soo clever. well, thats' totally stoopid, when my payrents pante the horl they do'nt have a big partee or ennything cos its' no big deel. ennyweigh, so they open the horl cos they finished painting it and have noo carpet ect. i arsk my dad wot it look like and he say that it look much the same, the carpet is the same grotty desine as beefour and the new seats are just as two smorll and uncumffy as the old wuns. well, ai'nt that tippical of hooman beans, eh?? car'nt get ennything rite and have no imaginayshon. reely sad. my dad say they have spent lots and lots and lots of munny maiking the horls' reverberayshon (wot?!?!?!?!?!?!?) longer so that the sound is wormer (whot is this man on about). its' only a horl. i mean we got a horl and yoo probbly got wun in yore home two.

enny weigh, the thing wot reely reely ecksited my dad is that their is his faverit bus ever out their. he luv this tipe of bus, it is corled the RT, and he wont yoo to no that they builded 4825 of them plus 1631 RTL with a ingin by Leyland wot he say woz yuk plus 500 RTW wot woz yuck Leyland ingin and was wider it had 8 feet rather than 7 foot 6 wide (6 wot, dad??). He say the RT have an ingin by AEC and purred luverly and was liter than the Leyland busses. (wot doo this orl mean?????? and it had 56 seats and a 9.6 litre engine and 115 break hoarse power. (please tell me wot he on about). and the boddeewerk woz by........no no no no eenuff!!!!!!

he orlso wont yoo too no bout the gear box (i is dying hear) wot is in the foto abuv, and had a pre-selecting new-matic gearbox. that mean the driver put the leever wear he wont four the next gear and then push down the cluch wot werk by air and make a little puff noise (bit like a fart?) no he say, not like a fart, and he look cross at mee. ok, this is sooooo interesting, dad, i is total fassinated, onnist. and yore pooter is luverly to.

i arsk him how cum he sew interested in busses ect, and he say that when he woz a boy he woz a bus spotter (he go round putting spots on busses - he not just totally sad but mad as well!!!!!!) and this woz his faverit bus. but he stoppt when he got pew-bertie (?????????????)

i say to him that I very sorree he got a bad disease corled pew-bertie. he look at me and frown. bodger, he say, wear doo yoo think baybies cum from?? that easy, i say, they cum from mr mayhew home, rspca, silly, but i no that not orl baybies cum from their (he look rilveeved) cos my frend osker has tolde me that if yoo has a litter tray, like wot wee doo not have, then yoo can get more baybies and kittens bornded in a litter tray than oanlee wun at a time. he look a bit wurrid at this and arsk how the baby is maid. i say it maid by mr mayhew home, sillee. then he arsk, wye doo i think that danl is with roses and doo the kissy kissy kuddle thing, i dunno, i do'nt doo it with runty even tho wee is frends and sertenlee not with gwen (yuk). well, he say danl and roses had got the pew-bertie thing and then they doo kissy cuddle stuff but i do'nt cos mr mayhew home dun a littel operyashon wen i woz little and runty and gwen has got spades (he maid a mystake hear and sed they woz spade, wot make no sense, but tippical of my dad).

thank gawd, at this point he giv up and i can go back too sleap. (do'nt wurry i will remoove this sillee poast when he not looking. cos it is reelee embarrassing.

i hope nun of yoo has ever had pew-bertie it sound lots werser than cat floo!

i is sooooo tired now.

wot a serprise!!

2007-09-12T07:32:00.000+01:00

Well, wot a serprise i had yesterday (that is the werd for the day wot has just gon, stoopid werd do'nt reely maik sens) - yoo do'nt say, yesternite, doo yoo?? no yoo say, larst nite. enny weigh. my serprise. i woz resting in the son in the guardin maiking shure everythink woz ok as eevening was starting when oskers' starff dun cum to meet me (she had too meet my dad as well, and then danl and roses but never minde). ackshirley, i think osker is maybee a bit hard on her as beeing a yoosless starff sum of the time, she seemed kwite nice reely but shood not have picked me up strait aweigh like that, altho beeing a polite cat i purred cos my dad woz their, and i has bin told i has to be polite to visiters (do'nt sea wye). and she doo say lots and lots of nice things bout how bootiful i is and wot a big boy ect ect ect, and a top cat ect ect, but nuffink i did not no orlreddy. but yoo has too bee nice when sumwon cum speshall to meat yoo and orl that.

but my dad reely doo not no how too treat gests sumtimes. we moove down to the pateeoh (runty doo flit about hear and their, and gwen doo a runner wen she sea a strainjer, as yoojooall, huh), my dad get out cushons for only too chares and then look at me when i sit on won, and the other he give to the starff lady. so my dad then have too get up too get annuther won for hisself, cos he car'nt ackshirley count to three liek wot i can (1 is me, 2 is me n runty, 3 is me n runty n yucky gwen - sea!!! good innit??). then they chat blah blah, she werk in an yoo-knee-ver-city like wot my mum doo (they is corled epidemics). they get up for a minit so i think i will swop to her chare and she can have mine - my dad say this is rood and orl. (i did this on sonday, my dad got up for a minit and i thort his chare woz nicer). but my dad doo not say too mee, pleeze, my luverlly top cat, that is my chare so leeve it as i will be back ver soon, no he just get up, so its' then mine if i wont it.

fourtune-eightly, the starff no her plaice and she simply moove round to my chare without no bother. wee duz disguss oskers' habbits of visiting uther houses and getting into vans and things but i say i can only advise him throo the blog that he kneads to be cairfull bout his territtorree and he shood not get into vans and cars and visit the chip shop and things or he mite get lost or sumthink, and hoo gards the territtorree wen he not their? dennace? fat charnse.

well, it woz ver nice to meat the starff and she dun shode me the respeckt wot I diserve and orl that, altho when she tride too stroke me when i woz bizzy woshing she neerly got a scrach cos she doo not no when i is bizzy and not too bee disterbinned........hmmm, maybee a cat as important as mee shood get a starff two????

my advise too osker and the uther too is to, maybee hang on too this starff for a bit longer beefour swopping her four an east-stone-ian or a polish or duster or wot ever. but she still need trayning and she may forl over aggen at enny time and brake things even when she hav not drunk lots of wine as she a farely yoosless byped - well, arnt they orl???

ps. lucky the starff did not cum a day erlier cos gwen woz just about to pop in throo the cat flap with a ver nice littel berdy in her mouth when my dad sore her and she popped into a boosh with it, cos she has this thing corled a fo-bee-a bout berds, wot i think means that she is not ver keen to have them in the house, like with the pijjon the uther weak.

ps. wot duz ps mean??? my dad sez it is la-tin (or sum kind of tin) and i wo'nt understand. he muttering bout sumthink corled passed participals and inglish yoosing them from la-tin, wot ever wot ever wot ever, blah blah blah. herrummff!!!!!!!!!!! i has more important things too doo than lissen too this rubbish, i has a petrole too doo than perhaps be on gard duty in the sun shine.

a happy tummy

2007-09-07T19:00:00.000+01:00

Well, now I has bin abel too eet the propper food aggen for a bit i has a ver ver happee tummee aggen, as yoo can sea from these luverly fotos of my luverly tummee. luverly luverly hills sigh-ence adult lite is back in a big big sack, hooray hooray horray!!!!!!!!!

now I has just scene that a big man corled loo-chee-are-no pavagrottee has died and i woz wotchin him on the telly and he cood hardlee work, he wood have to leen on sholders to work, ver wurrying. so i decided to get out corky the corky to play aggen. i is so farst with corkee that it do'nt look good on a foto, bit of a blurr with the speed i moov so this is won arfter i has finished playing. oh yes, i neerly cort a magpye the uther day, well not kwite, i woz pritty close to it and orl crouched down when the lucky berdy dun fly off, so no berdy in the house, like wot oskers' starff doo get in the house when she doo get the histeric's. this loo-chee-are-no! bloke go vincherro vincherro orl the time but my dad sez the big joke is that he nevver had a big eenuff voice to sing the part wot that noisee song cums from ha ha!! its corld calf or calaf or sumthink from Two-Ron-Dot (wot a silly silly name). dunno personly do'nt like this oprah thing. my dad sez he woz a tenner, well thats' a big number, ten, no wunder he woz so fat, he kneeded a hills sigh-ense food ten minus very light!!!!! i think this loo-chee-ah-no probbly gon too my dads' jim corled Fatness Fast. but, and this is ver important, he was oanly a tenner and i is eleven so i is hyer in the peckin order than wot he is, and he was far two fat too bee abel to petrole his territtorree wot must have bin pritty unimportant in the plaice corled modena cos not eeven on my map of the werld.

look, i wont too make wun thing ver ver cleer, ok??? i duz not follow the hoomans rownd when the cum home cos i is in need of lots and lots of strokes and woz lonely, i duz not get lonely when i is on my own, i follow the hoomans and let them stroke me lots sew that they feel sick-yure and they no that i has bin out petroling the territtorree and gardin evrythink. in fackt, i has a noo sleapin plaice cos my territtorree is sooooo big, but i is not gowing to say ware it is cos my dad sumtimes reeds this blogg, but he doo get cross if i is not their too doo my jobs like gardin the woshing and stuff wen it is beeing hanged owt - so i is dooing it aggen cos he complaned and moaned and moand cos i woz not their. and ackshirley, if my dad has too pop in too get sumthink when hanging out the woshing then he kneads me their to gard it, like wot i has had too doo too times this weak!!!!

and annuvver thing!! orl this stuff bout danl having a long jerney to kingstone and lookingafter orl the pay-shents wot is sick, blah, blah blah. wot abowt mee, gardin the plaice and orl that??? i no kingstone is a long weigh away cos on my map of the werld its' on won of the lines wot the hoomans fourgot too culler in. no i is not jelluss of danl and the attenshon he get but he is not shuvving mee down in the pecking order, i is telling yoo that for nuffink!!!!! and wot that bleedin roses dooin hear (ack-shirley, she kwite nice and give lots of stroaks but that not the point).

well thats' it four now. have a good weakened (thats' wot hoomans corl satterday and sonday - dunno wye).

we has hour food aggen, few!!!

2007-08-29T17:33:00.000+01:00

Few!!! my dad went and got a big bag of the hills sigh-ence wot me n gwen (yuk) eat. I new it woz the propper stuff eeven beefour he had opend the luverlly big bag, so did gwen, and he woshed hour boles!! and it taisted luverly!!!

I woz not cross with him cos he woz trying too doo his best but he is just stoopid and i do'nt like change in my life, so i woz sad when i went to the boles and i looked at him.

I wood like to thank mermaid of moorgate for her nice werds and speshally to my best frend osker wot invited me to his house to eat the food of the uther to cats their, molly and dennace (but not his) and he sed that wakefield woz only harf a map up the moterway (not shure wot that is). i had a look for wakefield on my map of the werld but cood not find it, so it must be very small; i cood find plaices wot begin with a W like walthemstow and wimbledon and waterloo wot is ver bizzy, and willesden wot is very near to hear, but not wakefield.

but orl is well, wot a releaf, and i have told my dad that like he must NOT chainj my food ever ever ever ever aggen.

We do'nt like hour food!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-28T10:31:00.000+01:00

This is not a funnee poast or jokey poast, okay?? this is the moste seeriuss poste i has ever ritten.

my dad chainjed our food this summer and me n gwen do'nt like it. we is mr hills sighence light cats and luverly it is. but my dad tride us on a cupple of littel packets of sumthink corled hills sighens mateur adult seen-eeor 7+ cat fud. 7+ wot you probbly arsk, well i doo, but hoomans only give you harf a some, hopeless. well, the littel packets wer ok i suppose but we did'nt say, ok go and bye a bluddy big bag of the stuff cos we like it ver much (not that gwenn'ys opinion counts for ennythink enny weigh) but he go out and by a bluddy big bag of the stuff and its' yuck. me n gwen do'nt like it at orl so we is eating runtys' speshal you-can-yooba you-rinerry oxil-eight (big name!!) insted wot doo not pleese runty cos her bole is orlweighs emptee. my dad sez the noo food is good for us cos we is orl eleven yeres old (my dad cood not rite the number for eleven he just put too number ones necks too each uther) and shood have bin on this food for yeres and its good four us cos its got sumthink corled omega 3 and 6 and vitamins and stuff and its' eeven more expensive ect ect. well, i can tell yoo i do'nt like orl that stuff in my food and its yuk yuk yuk and i wont my propper food back. my dad sez he is sorrie and will bye a big jiant bag of my faverit aggen. and he better bluddee hurree up!!!! this is sow important that i will let yoo no wot happens as soon as possable.

the payrents went aweigh aggen!!!!

2007-08-28T10:10:00.000+01:00

The payrents went aweigh aggenn!!!! not for ver ver long but it duz make yoo wunder wot they is up too. Well, at ferst it woz ok cos roses woz hear and she is ver nice to us cats and understands us ect ect (even if she woz just giving a bit two much attenshun to the runt, but i is not a jelluss cat). but then she went and danl woz in charj for to days beefour the payrents cum home and he is orlweighs making out that now he is home he is hire in the pecking order than me and orl that and he has know time cos he has to go to the hostable too see the payshents blah blah, as if i duz not have important werk too doo each day gardin the territtorree and orl that, frunt and back yoo no. so, i woz bluddy glad wen the payrents dun cum home cos danl had not filled hour worter boles even wot reely maid me cross. its' like with a lounjer he say he do'nt like cat furr on the seet and so he tern the cushon up when he get off. now runty is happy to shair a lounger with my dad or a payrent nicely but i need lounger or chair with a cushon for myself on my oan cos i is a top cat, sea? and its' reely reely meen if danl tern up the cushon cos i sea lounjers as beeing on a time share and i has a rite to a tern. hmmph - he better wotch it, thats orl cos i is not mooving down from therd to forth in the peckin order just cos he cum home for a bit.

well, the payrents say they went to a littel villij in the yorksher dailies or weeklies corld clapham. and they arsked if they cood poot a foto of the nice say-shon hous wot is their at the rail-weigh say-shon. i thort the house wood be for the passengers on the trains when they have long long long long weights for the trains or for them to sleep in when the train do'nt cum at orl but my dad sez its' four the peepel wot look arfter the stayshon, not that the payrents ever sore any starff their at orl but they did sea peepel weighting for a bus cos the trains wernt running at orl and they woz not invitid into the house at orl wot i think is ver rude and shellfish.! well, as yoosjull i think they have got it rong cos i have looked at my map of the hole werld and clapham is in the south not north for a start, and must be the most important plaice in the werld cos its' got for plus won stayshons their, honest i counted and 4+1 is err......hang on....... me, my mum, my dad, runty, and gwen (yuck!) and that maikes six or sumthink nearly like that, lots!!!. enny weigh on the black line theirs' clapham north, clapham common (the most popular), clapham south, and then too stay-shons wot they forgot too culler in (tippical, eh?) clapham junck-shon and clapham hi street. thats' 6 or 5, well lots as i sed. so i think clapham must be incredibly important. my payrents say it is a luverly plaice with bootiful cuntry and 3 peaks (wot i think, personally, are not ver nice yappy dogs with littel legs, but theirs' no counting for taste) and lots of worter forls, well wot else is worter supposed too doo, fly up?!?!?!?!?! the wether woz grotty hear wile they wer aweigh but they sed they had luverlly whether - humph.

so they cum home and the whether has bin luverly since and me n runty is lying on our table and on the grass or on lounjers (when grotty bruvvers leve the cumfy cushons down), i is not sunday baything on the shed much this yere but runty is yoosing it.

my dad sez i doo not understand bout the werld, he say it is a ver big plaice and is the shape of a borl and that i is looking at a map of the underground. rite well he is just sooooooo rong;

1. the werld is not round like a borl cos wen i petrole my territtorree frunt and back it is flat, wen i look out of a window it is flat, wen i is on the big shed and look far aweigh it is flat.

2. if the werld woz round then Upminster and Uxbridge wood tuch, and amersham and epping wood tuch, and maybee even hi barnet and mordern wood tuch (not shur about the larst) as they is on the far eggies of the werld. am i rite or am i rite???????

3. he is rong that the map is of the underground cos from the frunt of my territtorree i can sea kilburn stayshon and it is not underground at orl it is top ground.

i sumtimes think my dad is so stoopid that it pooshis me to the limit of my tollerance. but as i is a nice, kind intellygent top cat, i have lerned to live with him beeing stoopid and just axcept the extra responsibilities wot this plaice on me (sigh).

Me n my bruv sleapin

2007-08-20T08:06:00.001+01:00

I thort this was ded good cos i think it shose a fammly resemblence. This is me and my bruv dannl and we is bothe sleeping the same weigh!! In case yoo is not shoor I is the won on the left (or is that rite?) and he is the one on the wright (or is that left?). Enny weigh its' ded good innit, we is sooooooo simmlar cos we is bruvvers, but he is trying or the time to poosh me down from therd to forth in the pecking order now he is back home hmmmm. And he shood not corl me a seal pup ready to be clubbed - look seal pups may go clubbing but i doo not doo such silly things.

Oh, yes and annuther thing. Larst weak danl woz werking nites, long nites from 9 oclock to 10 oclock in the mourning and then travling back and only getting 6 hours sleap ect ect. and the payrents woz saying, oh yoo'ove got to be kwiet and let pour danl sleep ect ect cos his werk is soo hard ect ect and he needs his sleap so he do'nt kill the pay-shents over nite. ect ect blah blah. look, i werk EVVRY nite, ok!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i has to get off my cumfy chare or so-far and go out on petrole and check the guardins necks daw and orl that evvry nite eeven if it's reigning and no won go, oh shush, bodger is sleapin now he has been werkin hard out on petrole and gardin the howce and orl.

i is just taken for granted, der payrents never say, oh well dun bodger, a nutther nite and no brake in thanks too yoo. hrrumph!!

sharing nicely again!!! and a kwizz!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-18T15:03:00.001+01:00

Runty beeing a ver nice cat woz sharing a lounjer with my dad and aloud his horrid legs around her. when it woz my tern to be on MY lounger i let her stay and share.

Now, hear is the kwizz. hoo is the uther cat sharing der lounger with us? its' not as hansum as me!! no cloos now just a littel hint - is it a cat or a tee cozey. (blast, i shood'nt have sed that I has given the game aweigh do'nt reed that last bit).

osker and paddy, sea if yoo can have a go at my kwizz.

smorl foto of gwen yuk

2007-08-18T13:22:00.000+01:00

i has bin told too show a foto of gwen aggen - yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk. i do'nt sea wye i shood but my dad sez i must cos its his puter. OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hear is a foto of the luvly bootiful (not!) gwen trying to sleep in a knew hidy plaice but i spottid her.

and, know!! she is not aloud in my guardin.

discuvring the hole wide werld

2007-08-18T12:51:00.000+01:00

my frend osker offen gose out of his territtorree and jumps in vans and gose to the fish and chip shop or to visit his blind starff in her hous. i doo not doo this but i thort that i shood no a bit maw about the werld so i has bin looking at the map of the werld wot is up in the kichin (this is ware we eat and the hoomans cook and ware i go flollop on my side too get lots of strokes - well i doo this every ware).

the hole werld is a ver ver big place and gose out as far as Amersham wot is outside zone 6 and in outer zone D and is probbly at the norff pole and is on the pritty perpull line!!!! thats a reely long way a weigh, and even has a arrow thing pointing too a plaice corled Ales-berry (sorry not shure bout spelling as had to cum upstares to type this) wot is off the map cos its' just two far!!! if yoo go down the map to the river tems (wot is spelt rong on the map as Thames) yoo can go over it, honest!!! and sea orl the far aweigh plaices like corled canada water and cyprus and plaices like that. but lots of the lines under the tems is not cullered in propperlee cos hoomans never finish anything propperlee (tippical). and there is an arrow pointing to ware yooo go when yoo die - Gravesend.

I doo not think i will travell orl over the werld but will stay in my territtorree but i think it is good that i hav werked it out from the map orl by my ownly self like wot an in-telly-gent cat doo. but i doo like the map cos it has lots of lines drorn in pritty cullers. my dad sez we live on the boring grey line.

PS hoomans has reely no furr, but i has herd my dad yoos the werd - infurr. i think this means clever animals like wot is from intelleegent desine, like wot i is, and has furr.

this woz orl ver ver tiring and i need a good sleap now.

PS my bruv, danl, sez that when i flollop over four a stroke or lots i look like a seal pup weighting too be clubbed. i has never bin clubbing cos it is not wot nice cats doo, but i think he is not beeing ver nice bout me, so i am wotching him ded close. and he has just throne me off his bed when he wonts to make it cos roses is cumming to stay - he'd better wotch it!!!!!!

and about time two too to!!

2007-08-08T16:34:00.000+01:00

well, the payrents is hardlee home and then they get down THE BIG SOOT CASES!!! wot meen gowing aweigh propper, wot i doo not reely like cos of orl the beeing in charjness wot i has too doo and try to stop runty peeing and orl and not sware at gwen. yoo can sea a pick-sher of runty sitting on won of the BIG SOOT CASES (by the weigh, they got no soot in them at orl only cloves.

well off they go aggenn wot mean i is in charj aggen and has too make shure that me-shell doo the food propper and orl. the payrent went to the lake district and to north whales to a plaice corled angle-see! (silly name) and it woz wet - well, serves them rite if yoo arsk me it woz nice and sunny and worm hear. and wot doo the lake district have yoo arsk?? hills!!!

the picksher on the rite (or is it left?) is yet annuther egg-sample of just how stoopid hoomans is. sumtimes hoomans doo not no ware they are gowing - not like mee!!!! - and need sines to help them. well, look at this won, ha ha ha, it say go left (or is that rite?) and write (or is that left?) and up into the sky too times. well, look, you can't go in for ......er...... three(?) dye-wreck-shons at wonce and hoomans ca'nt fly sew theirs no point in having arrows wot point up wards!! tippical, tippical.

arfter me-shell had dun the food thingy and i had looked arfter her two, my bruv cum home. it woz brill too sea danl and i ran out intoo the rode to help him unlode and cos i thort he needed to stroke me. but he woz bizzy with the luggij and sow i rolled over in the rode and he picked me up - wot yoo doo not doo to a top cat in public!!!! - and put me in the house saying that i woz ver norty and silly to role over in the rode and orl that. just cos he won up on me in the peckin order he think he can doo that sort of stuff too me. well hese not getting enny of my hills sigh-ens food.

well, its ack-shirley grate to hav my bruv home and eeven tho he had too go to the hospital to lern more strait aweigh in the mourning when he woz home i let him stroke me lots and lots and sit on his lap and stuff so he do'nt feel lonely - not that i need it for me, oh know, we top cat's do'nt. hee still leve his stuff orl over the plaice and put his sherts and stuff evry-ware down stares like wot the payrents doo not doo!!!

well then the payrents dun cum home and at larst my dad givs me my tern on the puter sow i can wright my blog aggen.

oh and gess wot, sumthink my dad tolde me wot is wierd. we has lots of blackberrys in the guardin, rite? and berdies is eating sum of them wot i think is a bluddy cheek!!! my dad sez that the birdies eat the blackberries and eat the tiny seeds inside and then they fly aweigh and when they doo a poo the seeds are in the poo and then they make noo blackberry booshes - amazing. and the poo is a bit of food to help the littel seed start - eeven maw amazing. well, i must have a look at my poos too sea if they grow lots of hills sigh-ens food.

nice pic of mee beelow, eh, dooing a good strech - and, know, i am not asleep......well, not very much.

ps. danl is werking at nite at the moment so we has too be kwiet in the day; he is werking long ours from 9 in the evening until 10 in the mourning and then got to get back hear. the payrents say we has too be very kwiet and orl so he can sleap. well, look, i werk at nites two, yoo no, and no body go around saying - oh, we got too go on tippy tow cos the bodger has bin out on petrole in the nite ect ect. cos we cats is just tuffer.

And about time two!!!

2007-08-08T16:06:00.000+01:00

The payrents has bin aweigh such a lot wot with cumming and gowing and not letting me yoos the puter when they woz home in bit-ween that i think i will have too rite everythink in at least to blogs.

the ferst time they gode aweigh woz zo going throo this grad-you-ayshon thingy with the first class post degree thingy. so the payrents drive up and it is the day of the terrible terrible terrible reigns and my mum is still sad cos her car is broke but yoo no bout this trip.

well, the second time they went aweigh they went to near dartmouth road ware danl has bin living with roses and mooved orl his stuff. my dad had too drive a big big van, cos i sore it parked outside and it was fool of stuff (they did not dare bring the archie, runt cat - he went to door-set). so off went the payrents in the old 850 and left me in charge with a new gerl cumming in two feed us, corled me-shell, wot means eeven mor werk four mee.

well wen they cum home i runs out in the rode too greet them and gard the cars and things while they take things out and i dun to norty things, yes, too - i runs across the rode to the gardin of the loonies ware the man shouts lots and lots and i do'nt cum back for a bit, tee hee. then i gets gwennie in a littel corner and i is reely swaring at her reel bad - best fun of the lot but i forgot the hoomans woz home so i got cort this time and had to pop out throo the cat flap ware they car'nt cach me for a cupple of mins, tee hee.

then they moove orl the stuff in the van to a plaice corled storij. i looked on the map for this but i cood not find it but i think it must be near grinnij, ware my mum gose quite a lot.

how doo i no orl this? and wot map yoo arsk? well, in the kitchen on a cubbored is a map of the hole wide werld wot i can look at. it has orl the plaices a long long long way aweigh like cyprus and canada water and grinnij (or greenwich as it is rongly spelt on the map) and has orl of the docklands light rail weigh (cos it do'nt whey much) and even have an arrow pointing to the end of the werld - gravesend. yes, it is orl their too sea and most of it, shock shock is outside of my territtorree - mind yoo, it wood take a long time to go rite round it on petrole.

so, danl poots lots and lots of stuff orl over the frunt room and it is reely reely nice to see my bruv even if he got that roses feemail with him aggen!!! (wot she four i dont' no).

so then danl and roses bugger off back to dartmouth rode having mooved orl the stuff up, tippical stoopid hoomans, eh? how cum yoo moove orl the stuff and then yoo go back their? the payrents say it is cos danl has'nt finished his job yet in tourbay and like he has to finish their won nite and start the necks mourning in kingston (my dad yell, jamaica?? no, she went of her own accord. and forl on the flaw larffing cos he think he is funny - hese knot!) upon tems. and he do'nt get know induction or nuffink but has too start strait on the ward cos he still got sow much too learn cos he still ver jew-near.

so it orl cumming and going and but wunce danl dump his stuff he do not moov it.

my dad sed he had to go to car-diff ferst to shoot sumwon corled john barrowboy, capn jack, for the telly. dunno. cardiff is not on my map.

my dad woz not ver happy with orl the werk of driving the long weel bass van orl the weigh from dartmouth rode and then have to drive it to storij and lift orl the stuff around with my mum and danl and roses - well its not cats werk is it??

long too reign over us!!!

2007-07-22T20:45:00.000+01:00

my goodness their woz a lot of reign!!! the payrents sed that i woz in charj cos they wos going to see zo grad-you-ate (dunno wot she ate), and she had a littel star (corled a aste-risk necks too her name cos she got the first class post thing). well, the payrents tell me that it was the werst drive ever ever ever ever ever, that they were in the werst of the reign and it woz so bad the jer-knee shood have taken 100 minits but took more than for ours!!! and wot is werst cos the traffic woz so slo cos the moterweigh woz fludde they terned off and were on cuntry rodes and had too drive throo worter wot cum over the bonnet of the car (i did not no my mums car wore a hat!!!) and now the car is hert and not werk properly but it got them home. my mum has a nice shiney kwite knew car and this means they have too yoos my dads' old estate banger wot gose ok cos its a volvo, well they is bothe volvos. enny weigh they only maid it just beefour the thingy woz starting and it woz orl scary and stuff and the coodnt sea zo cos she has bean singing orl weak in the chamber quire.

my dad sez her peace of paper thingy says class one on it. well, that is sad cos its the bottom number. i no this cos i can count;

won is bottom and orlso top cos it means me!!!!!
too is me n runty
three is me, runty and the miggit gwen (yuk!!!!!!!)
for is the payrents danl and zo
and the hoomans and the cats all make lots!!!! a ver big number.
so i am sorry zo got the lowest number and they put a littel star by her name and the others wot got it to cheer them up.

but the reign woz bad and i woz in charj and orl and then i woz in charge four the nite and that is orl hard werk. so wen the payrents cum home i let them stroke me lots cos they needed it. then my dad sed he just felt ill cos it had orl bin so terrible and he was exhaustpipe or sumthing. and then he went out agenn!!!!! so when he cum back, few, i made shoor he stroke me lots.

the payrents say they got to get danl and orl his stuff from dartmouth road, out side the territtorree cos he got too doo maw trayning cos he not ver clever dock-ter. hee is ver pleased that he got anuther 7 yeres or sumthink to make him more speshalist or speshal needs or sumthink. i think it just show he is thick like zo, cos he dun 5 yeres first, now 3 yeres more werking as dock-ter how much more he need beefour he no enuff and he will never bee clever enuff to treat cats cos we is to speshall and need a vet. reely the only clever person in this famly is me!!!!!! my dad say he must doo more cos he is only a jew-near dock-ter and with more trayning he will be a sea-near dockter. it make no sense at orl too mee, but then hoomans is sad and just make life complicated.

oh, the noo toilets ware the trees woz is just brillant, cos the erth is orl soft and easy too dig up. me n runty luv them lots but their not for gwen!!!!

i do'nt like this parents going aweigh to devon thingy, and now they got to go too whales ferst (wot ever that is) but it is near sum more of the nasty fluddy bits.

or this is not good and i think the payrents shood just stay at home like wot they ort too but thay say that danl will live hear for a bit aggen and that will be brillant to have my bruv home. i just do'nt wont them going reely speshally with the fluddy water thingy. time for a sleep.

thank yoo frends

2007-07-19T14:23:00.001+01:00

I just wont too thanck my frends, paddyebenezar and osker for there support. my mum did cum back - not that i mist her, oh know, not at orl, cos top cats like me duz not need there hoomans, they are just nice to hav around.
normally i do'nt mind sleeping in the playroom its' just that i woz wurried my dad wood bee lonely on his own, i woz not at orl lonely on my own downstares and then in the study, not at orl. but if i duz choose to sleep upstares then i shood not bee mooved cos it is ver rood. it is paw runty wot do'nt like it cos she orlweighs needs her speshal attenshun from my dad and she never wont to sleep downstares at nite. zo did try to let her sleep with her a few years back and found that runty usually tried to rap herself round zo's hed in the middle of the nite or needed to pop out for a pea at 4.
ennyweigh it is orl ok, orltho i wunder if they are planning to go aweigh soon cos a lady corled me-shell came round and took keys away with her........hmm, and me-shell (strainj name) woz not mimi wot yoojoolee pop in to feed us etc.

its' ok for osker to move starff around cos starff is starff but i has payrents and its' a bit diffrent.

ooh paddy - wots a decomposing bird? is it a berd wot rites music and gose chirp chirp to pritty its decomposed tunes?

well, its' time for a nap on the nice study blue blanket wot is now mine as i think it mite reign soon.

i hope things are ok in the town corled up-north and that it stops reigning cats and dogs and you only get worter like wot wee doo hear.

the wize and wunderfull biggles mitey top cat!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (i has'nt dun that four a long time, tee hee)

my mummy did not cum home larst nite

2007-07-18T09:49:00.000+01:00

I is not reely wurrid but my mummy did not cum home larst nite and in der mourning she had her littel weely case with her. I is not wurrid bout this, oh no, cos we top cats doo not miss our hoomans the weigh they miss us but i doo like to have a sit on her for a littel bit in the eevning cos i no it duz her good. my dad sez not too wurry cos she is just at a littel con-frens in broadstares. i arsk him bout this and he tell me that a confrence is wear peepel meet and tork, well do'nt they orlweighs! and i suppose if their is lots and lots of them then they need wide broad stares to sit on and go up and down, tho why the bigness of the stare case shood be important i do'nt no. well, layter on their woz no bodee down stares so i popt up too the studdee and found runty sleeping on my dads chare as she duz now lots and he was sitting on the old, grotty chair and he looked as tho he needed sum cumpenny, so he let me hav a blog and then i went to sleep on the study bed cos blogging is tyreing on the luverly bloo blanket wot now has lots and lots and lots of my luverly fur on it.

well, we normally sleep in the playroom with the daw closed but i think my dad woz going to let us stay in the study we looked so settled. but then runty herd dad go in the barthroom and she jumped up for her drink and then she need her speshall time cuddle from him in the bed (now that she is peramentlee diserted by her mummy zo with the first class post degree). well, i found that i was all by my only self in the study so i woke up and thort my dad woz probbly lonely sew i wood join him in der bed. so he had runty on his chest purring and i got on the bed necks to him (not aweigh aweigh on my mums' side) and let him stroke me and pured alot. i thort it wood be good if we staid the nite like this and bee orl frendly unless i need a cuddle or a drink or sumthink in the nite or runty doo or need more cuddling, but then my dad pick runty up off his chest wot she doo not like at orl and she stop purring and he take her down to the playroom and then he cum up four me and grab me kwick and take me down two!!! he nose he has too grab me kwick or he get my clores if he try to moove me off MY bed.

i think hoomans can be reely reely ungrateful when yoo is beeing nice to them and frendly to stop them from beeing lonely and orl, and orl he doo is take us down and sleep aloane.

PS my frends osker and paddyebenezer wot live the town corled up-north have had fluds and lots and lots of reign (like in the nashonal anthem - long to reign over us). they tell me it has bean reigning cats and dogs!!! this is terrible - cats shood not have to forl out of the sky and if a big dog landed on yoo it wood hert yoo and they are two stoopid to tern in the air and land on there feet like wot a cat duz . fourtoonately wear i live it only reigns worter. my dad sez this is a metafour expreshon thingy, well i do'nt wont too bee reigned on by a metafour either!!

nice fotos of mee

2007-07-17T23:26:00.000+01:00

these is nice fotos of me. on the rite (or is it left?) yoo can see me n runty havin a nice wrest on hour (more of them silly silent letters but now I no wear to yoos them)
table and having a chat and thngs.
the other foto is ver nice. i duz not hav a cumfy bed in the hall corridor thingy but my dad woz most kind to leave a nice pile of woshing wot woz nice and dry from the guardin like wot i helped him hanged up and woz on gard duty, for me to settle down for a nice nap.

but it is just nice to have nice fotos of me cos this is my blog. my dad is nagging that i shood put up a foto of gwen cos she is soooo bootiful ect ect yuk yuk. but i wo'nt!!! its my blog and noboddiee elses and i will have fotos up of onlee cats like wot i like, wot means mee and maw of mee and a bit of runty sumtimes cos sh'es my frend.

so four wonce this poste is just about mee and i is not riting on other things. i better go too sleep now.

ps. my dad is a bit cross cos i is not orlweighs helping him hang out the woshing but leving it to runty (ackshirley I think he a bit hert cos he misses me to stroke and to be on gard), so i dun it tooday. hee better not sea this bit or if i sea him lookin at my blog i will tell him not to reed this bit strait aweigh. i will say; do'nt look their! do'nt reed that bit! and then he wont' - brillant as ever!!!! amazin reely.

the Millenium Dumb

2007-07-17T23:19:00.001+01:00

wot, yoo many arsk, is the Millenium Dumb. Well, this ver ver stoopid bilding thingy woz thort of ferst by a Mr Major Minor and then a Mr Bliar and his friend Mandy sed it woz a wunderful idea for celebraiting the millenium (except they woz a year rong). so they bilt this stoopid thingy and orlmost nobody went to it and then nobody wood bye it cos they woz not that stoopid. and now sumbody has bort it and they have renamed it the Oh Too Stoopid, so yoo must'nt corl it the Millenium Dumb any more or they get cross and brake yore legs cos yoo have too say it is brillant and just wot we orlweighs kneaded.

my payrents had never scene it so they went and had a look and it is by the worter corled der river tems wot is wet worter. so i think my dad must have bin swimming when he took won of the fotos, dunno.

it looks pritty stoopid to me.

we has noo toy-lets

2007-07-17T22:38:00.000+01:00

We has noo toy-lets. a toy-let is not a smorl toy, no know know, it is a polite werd for a pee and poo plaice. Well, we has yoosed der top of the guardin and things - and ver nice it is two - and runty pops behind the booshes, speshally wen it is reigning lots. but cos we had der old plumb trees dugged up, corled pruning, we has extra toylet spaces. one is ver near the house and is wear their is the complete messed up plumb tree wot i has shown yoo on my blog beefour.

well, i thort, wot cood be nicer than too sea me n runty selly-brating yoosing hour knew (sea, i has bin practicing my spelling and them norty werds with silly silent letters at the beginning, got them rite for wunce) toylet. orl der pickshers is not kwite in der rite order, stoopid blog thingy, so yoo shood look at me dig dig digging deep ferst and then dooing my poo. the picksher of runty cuvvering up and finishing off is from a pea, and the uther foto is doing a ver nice poo.

hooray for noo toylets do'nt yoo think.

and wot doo hoomans doo? doo they pop into the guardin and scrach up a nice bit of erth and pop there bottoms down?? no of corse not, cos they is yoosless as ever. they go into a speshall room and then waist lots of paper (cos they ca'nt lick there bottoms) and wosh it orl a weigh into the effluent society in witch we live - well, wee doo not make it effluent yoo hoomans doo!!!

sew wee say, thank you mummy and daddy ver ver much four making us luverly knew toylets.

no yore flours!!

2007-07-16T22:43:00.000+01:00

oops thees fotos has not quite gon on my blog like wot i wonted cos this is a lesson in noing the names of flours. my payrents like these bushy things cos they grow big and do'nt need much werk, cept when theirs no reign and a hose pipe ban then my dad doo get cross.

these plarnts is orl corled draingers. the too big plants is corled high-drangers and the little won is corled a low-dranger. so little is low-dranger, and big and torl (like mee) is called high-dranger. ok?

that's it just thort yoo orl needed a guardining lesson and to no the names of sum flours.

ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! my dad is soooo stoooopid!!!!

2007-07-12T10:41:00.001+01:00

scuse me if i larff and larf and larffff!!!! ha ha. wot is this runty (no offens ment to my cat runty) yoosless thingy hear!!! well, as yoo no Tree Sir John dun cum to cut down the plumb trees and things wot is noan as pruning cos plumb trees grow prunes wen the plumbs is orl dride up, ok? well, my dad had this plumb tree corled victoria (do'nt no why he gave it a name). wot hee do not no propper is that victoria woz stuck onto sumthing corled stock (not shure bout this, payrents yoos stock when cooking sumtimes and then you share it with the food and corl it stocks and shares). enny weigh my dad woz supposed to cut cut cut the stocky bits but he do'nt no nuthink bout trees at orl so the stocky things gro and gro and gro and victoria dont' get no charns.

sir tree sir john, he say dig up the hole thing and start aggen but my dad say wot about giving it anuther charns. he say, ok i leve the big stumpy thing wot is victoria and maybee in for yeres you mite get sum froot (cos my dad doo luv his froot). but he say, the stocky things is so big that they is going to gro and gro and bee big so yoo got to cut them lots. my dad say ok, but i no him better and he am so ignorant and stoopid in the guardin that i bileave it will be a disarster. but i wont larff in his face cos he will bet upset but he is ded stoopid.

AND I WONT TOO CORRECT A MYSTAKE THAT PEEPEL HAS BOUT WEN THE PAYRENTS GO OUT AND SPESHALLY WEN THEY GO AWEIGH, OK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I duz not get orl loanly and miss them and then cum for loads of cuddles and orl when the cum back and sit on them and purr lots and lots, and lye on a handy pandy and things. look, i is a top cat, ok? and i duz petroles and stuff ok? wot i is dooing wen i is cuddling them and stuff wen they has bin out is giving them re-ash-oor-ants (few!!! big word that!) that everythink is ok and cos they miss ME!!!! so, we got that won clear then. good.

Tree Sir John cum too visit

2007-07-12T09:27:00.000+01:00

Well, yoo may arsk, wot is happening in my territtorree?

I arsked my dad and he said that a man woz cum hoo's name was Tree Sir John and that wot he woz dooing woz pruning and cutting down trees and stuff. and i new wot pruning is cos prunes is dried up plumbs, so i new they wood doo sumthink too der plumb trees but they dun stuff to uthers two!!

Now, I duz remember that sum men came to give quotes on pruning trees sum time ago but they said nuthink too mee werth quoting so i forgot about them so it woz a bit of a serprise when Tree Sir John dun suddenly tern up without my permishon.

Well, orl of a sudden theese men terned up. Tree Sir John was also noan as pete and he dun cum from devon, like wot is outside my territtorree but is round der corner cos of the names of the roads hear and i think he woz orlso nown as Tree Sir John. the next bloke karim dun come from a town corled belgium and he spoke with my dad in a human way like wot i cood not understand. the next bloke not speak the same at all but was polish and he did not doo der big cutting but he polished off orl der branches by putting them throo a scrunchy masheen wot maid lots and lots of noise out in der frunt. sum times they woz dooing nice gentle cutting but they orlsow had nasty chain things with moaters wot dun cat rite throo der trees!!! and karim dun clime up ver ver hi in der old old pair tree too cut off a ver big branch. of corse, i cood clime up ver hi like that if i wonted but i just do'nt bother, hem hem. they dun got rid of lots of old wild plumb trees wot doo know good (see pruning!!! like wot i sed) but the plumb tree corled victoria is a compleet mess - sumwon stoopid had stuck it ontoo anuther tree corled a stock and der stock had groan hooj cos my dad is stoopid and total ingorant bout trees and not cut thees back, so they cut off orl the stocky bits and leave victoria (silly to give trees names but hoomans is silly) a total stumpy bit - i will put a foto of it on my blog. my dad say he hoap to have sum luverly plums maybee in for years but wot he not thort about is wot he doing too doo too stop the stocky bits growing even farster aggen - i arsk him this and he say shut up and mind my own bizniss - charming!

I went and met dem at lunch time and they woz perfeckly nice and then woz not noisy and i maid shoor they new just hoos guardin it woz and hoo woz in charj. well, sum of the grotty trees dun gon, wot is ok i suppose as they woz not much of a camooflarj four me and he has maid sum nice new areas of toilet, wot is kind of the payrents. i deesided that reely it woz best to let them get on with it sew i spent most of the day sleeping under my king size bed - not cos i was fry-tend of the noise and orl that woz going on, oh no, no, it just seemed like a nice quiet place to sleep and it is a seecrit place wear i sleeps quite offen and the payrents do'nt no, tee hee (bit of a seecret their, hope my dad dont' reed this bit!)

they woz ver good men and they dun cleened up and maid my guardin ver nice and tidy arfter cos i wood have bin ver cross if their had bin a mess; i told my dad this and he sed he wood check up on them while i woz under der bed, sleeping and stuff.

runty thort it woz orl a bit strainj wen she popped out and she sert-en-lee sniff around a bit and has scene wot they dun but she sez its' ok cos they left der nice trees.

orl der reign have been luverly for the guardin and we has more and more moss wot is quite nice, it am racing with the grarss to sea hoo can have most of the lorn. i think their is now maw moss than dandy-lions wot is a silly name cos they do'nt look like lions at orl.

i think the payrents shood have told me they woz cumming beefour they cum as that is oanlee poh-lite but i forgiv thees littel lapses in etty-ket (etty-cat?).

i has bin told i is rong!!

2007-07-09T09:01:00.000+01:00

My payrents so that I is rong about zo and her First Class thing at you-niver-city and is ver clever. she can poast her letters first class enny weigh and wot she got woz a degree, first class. well, look, wot so speshal about that; if i go to uncle mr josh the vet (wot is more cleverer than my bruv danl cos he do'nt need yeres and yeres of extra training and orlsow he can treat hoomans in an emergency but danl is not aloud to treat animals) and he think i is pawly and he put a thing up my bottom (wot is not nice at orl orltho my frend paddygay like it ver much - funny cat) when he pull it out it show i has lots of degrees and zo only has won, so that mean i is more cleverer than wot she is as well as beeing hi-er in the peckin order - maybee at you-niver-city they is putting things up there bottoms orl the time!!!!! horrid!!!!!. they orl-sew say that when she finish she is not a post graduate so it have nuthing too doo with letters, then how come she get too letters corled Bee Ay (my dad say yoo must menshon that she is orlsew a GSMD Cert (P) from her mew-sick). This doo not make enny sense too mee. and my dad say that until she grad-you-eight she is corled a grad-you-and...............and what? I sit and look at him for the rest of wot he going to say and he say nuffink and work aweigh. hoomans make no sense at orl and is not as clever as cats - they tork rubbish and sum of them forl over and brake there rists (menshonning know names, eh osker??) cos they do'nt work on orl fors.

their has bin sumthink on telly corled wimbledon. i no danl lived in south wimbledon and may go and liv their aggen. this woz orl ver strainj. too or sumtimes more than three (sorry, counting more than me, runty and gwen is difficult cos i get into the number corled "lots") was passing a borl too each uther over a netty thingy and helping themselves with a batty thing and showing how clever they is with the horizontally oposed thums, blah blah. and thats' orl they did. take terns, swop sides, have peepel help them get the borl. sumtimes the persons woz not ver nice and wood hit the borl hard and so the uther person cood not have a tern but sumtimes they played nicely toogether like wot we iz told too doo (even if i dont' doo it - tee hee) and sumtimes they woz a bit horrid. i waited too sea if they did maw with it but that woz it, honest, thats' orl they did. my mum doo hate it and leave the room, my dad think it is brillant and luv it (but then he is not ver clever, ackshirley, i do'nt think eye-ther of my payrents is ver clever when i think about it and thank goodness i is hear to run the house and gard it and orl. oske'rs staff has orlsow bin wotching the hitty ball thing, i think it is corled, dennis, like osk'ers bruvver, but i has not scene dennis playing it.

look, wen hooman beans can lick there bottoms too keep them nice and cleen then i will think they has sum intellygents. nuff sed.

grammer speshalls

2007-07-05T09:48:00.001+01:00

My dad is nagging nagging aggen too put up stuff on my blog cos he not clever eenuff too have won of his own.

ok. the picksher up on the left (or is it rite?) is from Brent Educayshonall plaice (brent and ed-you-kay-shun, that a joke in itself) and my dad arsk; hoo is the person corled Art? (how shood i no?)

the necks picksher cum from Sainsbury's. oh, ho, say my dad, look wear they put the propostroffee!!! it look fine too mee. my dad think this is ded funnee cos theirs probbly thousands of these orl over the plaice and the cuntry orl rong. ha ha. and peeple wot doo these things cant spot it. he still wont' tel me wo'ts rong. he do'nt realise that i has studdid how peeple yoos the appostrotoffee and the arnser is yoo stick them wear ever yoo wont.

he say the larst won is the best of orl. this cum from the jim corled fatness farst wear dad doo go and he say that the werds in big letters is just soo bad he larf and larf and larf. hee not only larf at the obveeuss mistaike (he still wo'nt tell me wot it is!!! grrrr!!!) but he say they do'nt no how to yoos capital letters neither and do'nt no a nun or noun from a propper nown. i think this t-shirt is saying that if you have a thing corled a Fit yoo shood go to a jim. now i do'nt have a my fit or a your fit so i is not sure wot this mean. i no wen hoomans by clothes to cuvver there pathetic boddies wot has orlmost know furr at orl, unlike mee wot has wunderful furr four orl whethers, they say oh, I think that fit yoo ver well, so maybee thats a Think Your Fit. (he orlsow say the ferst dash in der fone number is rong).

sow, wee orl say, well dunn to der adult edyoukayshun deepartment of Bent Council, to Saynsbugs soopermarket (wot is not clever enuff to cell mr hills sigh-ens food) and speshall well dun to Fatness Fast Jim!!! (my dad am dick-tay-ting this at my sholder!!!)

too runty cats!!!

2007-07-05T09:28:00.000+01:00

Oh, runty doo like a soot case but without the soot. hear she is arfter der payrents got back from near dartmouth road in devon and she have taken over the dads' soot case (why they carry soot around when they go on aweigh i never understand).

so, yoo arsk, hoo is the uther runty cat??? this is archie wot live with danl and rosis. he is a smorl runty scaredy cat (not like mee!!!) wot offen vom is pouchkin of wiskers cat food and tork too much. my dad say hee tork even moor than runty and that saying sumthing. enny weigh he sleep in a place corled a conservative or conservatoire in the daytime wot keep him worm. he the won wot is too frytend to play with a corky the cork and can only manidge a rubber band. ha ha ha!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

my runty is compleet bonkers and bite her tale lots but she ai'nt a scaredy cat.

well dunn gwen!!! and a thort for osker and uthers

2007-07-05T09:20:00.000+01:00

i has bin arsked to say well dun too gwen four eating most of her moste ree-sent mouse, she must have bin a bit moor hungry. the uther foto (the won on the left......or is that rite???) is of my tummy cos its' luvly.

a speshall thort for osker and paddy and frends hoo liv in der waist land of the north of ingland. they has had lots of fludding up their of reign like in the nashonal anthem (wossat???) wear it say - long to rain over us!!! - and they mite have floated aweigh, hanging on with there clores to staffs plaster cast on her arm wot she got when she woz not plastered and drunk at orl!!! but tripped on her oan dore stop - heh! but i has bin tolde they is orl orl rite and has not floated a weigh!!!! we is orl ver pleesed bout this. i has scene sum of this fludding thing on the telly noose but they go blah blah orl the time bout the spoilt thingies in the houses and sleeping in the whorels but they do'nt show wot happen too the pets and the cats espeshally!!!! this tippical of hooman noose - oh, wo, they go, shame shame shame ect ect for the hoomans and nuffink bout the cats wot cares for the hoomans ect. tippical sell-fish of hoomans as yoojal.

beeing a propper top cat, aggen!!!!

2007-07-05T09:09:00.000+01:00

hear ah sum ver nice noo pickshers of me, ov cause wot sho yoo moor bout the life of a top cat.

in der ferst picksher yoo can see me gardin der hous and der cat food. this is a most see-ree-uss job cos wen der daw is open like this sumwun cood sneek in and steel orl der hill sigh-ence food!!! wot wood bee terrible!!! (der littel bag is runtys' speshall food four her you-rinn-ary problem thingy - they can steel that if they wont - acksherley better not or she wood get upset and pea moor).

der necks picksher show me dooing my brillant trick of drinkin strait from der tap in der barth room down stares with runty weighting her tern. why is she weighting her tern and not going ferst???? cos hoo is top cat eh??? proof!!!

necks my dad is beeing yoosfull for wunce and beeing a nice pillow wile i has a short nap beefour going out on petrole. cos a top cats' werk is never dun!!

oh yes, and a smorl complante. der ver big dubble bed is reely mine but i let hoomans sleap in it at nite for a bit. well, i popped up stares the uther morning (satterday, i think it woz) and their woz the payrents still in bed with the gardenia noose paper everyware, runty on their two!!! and not much space for me. now look, the payrents had better understand egg-sackly wot a time share is, ok???? it mean that they has a short share of the bed in the nite and i has the bed the rest of the time if i wonts it and runty two. they had better lern there lesson on that won or their cood be trubble. hoo run this house, eh?

congrats too danl and zo - dunno wye.

2007-07-05T08:46:00.000+01:00

i is not shure whye the payrents is so pleesed with danl and zo but i will tell yoo ennyweigh.

cos danl is not ver clever as a dock-ter (thats' a hooman vet) and he needs too doo moor tray-ning (not like uncle josh wot nose orl he kneads to no bout looking after my saw eyes-ee-pyesis). enny weigh too doo maw training has been a total mess and lots of peeple has had to resign (this werd means to rite yore name aggen) and leave there jobs and things. well, danl, not beeing ver clever needs ver badly too doo moor tray-ning and he has got his training corled run-through for 5 or 6 or 7 years (danl run for that long???? ha ha ha!!!!) and he got it ware he wont it back wear he woz ferst lerning to be a dock-ter and he is going to live with roses and the runt cat archie back in the home wot he had beefour. the payrents is going to spend lots of munny (more than a bag of hills science cost) to make it nice so danl and roses wo'nt bee able to moove in their for a bit and danl will have to compute from home to kings-ton for a munth or sew. it will be grate to have my big bruv home for a bit!!!! and i will help him cos i is moor cleverer than wot he is and do'nt need more training. this orlso mean that roses can doo her corse in health sigh-collo-gee at city you-niv-ers-ity living their too. this corse is corled post graduate, cos wen yoo finish yoo get letters after your name sent to you by post (i mite be rong hear, not shoor cos it do'nt make sense too mee). the payrents will let archie the runty cat liv their two and put in a cat flap. sum tray-ning is to help way-ters lern too carry trays but i think that is two difficult for danl.

zo dun got sumthing at you-niv-er-sity corled a First Class digree. the payrents reckon this is bout rite for her and is ver pleased and so is she and this makes her a graduate. wot is a First Class digree, yoo arsk??? well, i has werked it out. when yoo graduate yoo is then post graduate and i think it means that zo can post orl her letters First Class without arsking. big deal!!! huh!!!

i think the thing is (and do'nt tell them this) that danl and zo is not reely ver brite or clever and so when they do a littel thing good the payrents get orl happy and say - well dunn!!!! brillant!!!! ect ect cos they wont too bee nice too them. yoo sea, ever-boddee is so yoosed to me beeing brillant, and top cat and dooing my petroles and orl that i duz not need too doo lots of yeres of tray-ning or bee aloud to send letters First Class orl the time. i is just brillant and taken for granted, sigh.

Berthdays

2007-07-05T08:38:00.000+01:00

Their has bin lots of berth days. My mum says that we woz orl born about 11 years ago orltho the miggit, gwen, is a few weaks older than wot i and runty is. my mum sez that i is ver ver lucky that the 11 plus doo not egg-sist no moor!!! Well, I sat weighting for the rest of the sum, 11 plus wot? I woz reddy to show just how clever i is but she just worked aweigh and did not finish the sum, hoomans eh??

Well, hoomans doo have sumthing corled propper berth days cos my dad had won with a ver ver big number and danl had won the day beefour. I thort a berth day woz the day that a ship cums into a dock/parking plaice and parks in a berth, so that is the ships' berth day, and cos danl is a dock-ter, I think that is why he has won. But i is not shure cos hee told me he is a hooman vet and doo not park ships but i cood be rong about this. orlsow my frend osker told me that kittens cum in litter trays but we doo not has litter trays hear but go out throo hour cat flap and has the hole guardin to yoos!!! i think osker may be rong hear cos wee orl no hear that kittens cum from mr mayhew-home rspca. but wear hooman babys cum from i do'nt no, i wunce sore an old carton/khartoon on telly and the baby woz brort buy a big berd corled a stork - hmmm, i think this may not be rite but i shall wotch the sky for this won.

oh, yess, and happy berth-day too osker it is 3 years since he cum out of his litter tray.

the pay-rents went to sea danl for his berthday and orlso cos cousin ted have a big big party for his berth-day, or near dartmouth road in devon, so i woz left in charj aggen and tried too stop runty from pissing and orl, and mimi dun cum in to check for the payrents that we woz ok and had food. runty dun pea on the stares but on the bin liner (not oh-sarma bin-liner but a black placky bag with paper on it) and beehind the frunt daw. i tell her not too but she do'nt lissen to me.

wen they cum back i orlweighs has too sit lots and lots on the payrents, not cos i has missed them, oh know!!!! not at orl!!! its' just cos they need too know that evrything is orl rite and orl that. and runty doo go mad and gwen too cos they nead the strokes and stuff, not like me.

fings wee like too doo

2007-06-12T10:38:00.000+01:00

runty hav taken to sitting and sleeping in pongy plaices. she like to sit on top of the lawndry barsk-it and sleapin on my dads' cloaths. he is not ver pleased with this cos he say she leave her furr on everything cos she orlweighs molting, runty say to me that she like a nice familiar smelly pong as it make her feel cum-four-table and she say the lawn-dry barskit is speshally luvly for this as the pong is big and doo rise up throo orl the wholes. she orlsow sit their weighting for a drink from her faverit tap wen she not in the sink.

gwen arsked ver nicely if i wood put up a picksher of her latest mouse on my blog and cos i has been told too share nicely i said ok. she said that she did try to eat it but she just was'nt that hungry and got board after the hed. she sed my dad cood have it but he just sticks them in noose paper and put them in a bag in the bin - my mum yoojooly scream when she sea a mouse, ca'nt think wye it a bit smorl too hert her. hoomans do'nt seem to eat mouses wot is a bit strainge considering orl the uther things they eat and orl the blah blah bout sumthing corled a carbon foot print and orl their is no carbon paw print if yoo eat the kills from your own guardin.

I got to play pat the frog the other nite. it was fun, it is my favrit game, but then the froggy hopped into the greeny bits and i lost it, wot was not ver nice of him and not much fun - froggies is orlweighs like that and orl i wont too doo is give them a littel pat and wotch them jump in der air and squork, then they cood then have a tern and pat me if they arsked nicely, but they is too stoopid four that.

hear is a nice picksher of mee havin a barth wot is ver good and i like ver much. i is woshin my eyes-ee-pyeses cos they get a bit saw from wen i woz ill with floo wen i lived with mr mayhew-home rspca wen i woz a teenee weenee baybee and did not no my mum and dad and bruv and sista.

bye-sigh-kling in der nuddy!!

2007-06-10T09:15:00.000+01:00

Now as yoo no i is a pritty broad minded sort of cat but my dad dun scene this and i thort yoo shood sea it two cos i simply do'nt understand hooman beans at orl. (wye is this orl typing underlined????) now, my dad doo ride a bike lots and luv his bike but he orlweighs ware cothes even in summer when it is luverly and hot.

i has never scene soo menny peepel in der nuddy and i tell yoo it make me glad too bea a cat. hoomans is sad wen nuddy reely. they just has no furr just a bit on the hed (moast of them ennyway but sum not eeven their) a bit wear the legs meet and a few uther pointless bits of hare hear and their -sad. der wimmins only has too titties wear as a cat has lots and der dangly bits on der men cood get ver nasty bashed up if not careful or cort in sumthink wot i wood think cood bee ver panefull, ware as mine is nicely tucked away thank yoo. der won thing i doo think is sensible in cloaths is pockits and yoo dont get no pockits wen nuddy.

i went and had anuther look at my dads' bike (thats short four bye-sigh-kle) and looked at the little seet he has four sitting on and i think that sigh-kling in der nuddy is a ver ver bad idea four hoomans cos his seat thingy is hard and a bit pointee and if yoo went over a bump or hit a whole in the rode like wot their are lots, the pointee bit of the seet cood go up sumware ver narsty and privet, like wot i yoos wen i go too the toilet and things. my dad orlsew say that hooman laydees (thats' a posh werd for fee-mails) has more wholes their than mails down their - i do'nt no wot four cos runty dont tork about it - so they cood get intoo reel trubble riding there bikes nuddy if they hit a bump or whole. or the men cood hit the bar thing with the dangly bits. and as for the bloak on the skate bawd, well he cood reely have a narsty time!!!

i think i stick too my territtorree and sleap in the guardin to reecover from the shock of orl this.

Frontline

2007-06-09T10:18:00.000+01:00

The payrents dun fruntline on us larst weekend when danl and roses woz hear. I is not shure why they doo this, thay say cos it stopps us from getting fleas. personally, i is not bovvered by fleas and do'nt notis them but my dad doo get very cross cos they seem to bite him lots and lots. danel sez wee shud put frunt line on our dad as he gets the flea bites- hee doo not find this very funny at orl, he gett very cross and look as tho he is going to stomp out the room (did yoo no my dad spells 'work' as 'walk' - ca'nt bee rite cos it do'nt sound like that at orl and then he say 'work' is ackshirley 'werk' - stoopid, eh?)

enny way they decide to put this stuff on cos danil is up and they reckon they need for hands with horizontally opposed thums to hold gwen down. so, they sneak up on her wen she is having a nice kip and dad and danle grab her and mum doo put the stuff on her kneck. she is amaizing strong and they can ownly just holde her long enuff too get the drops on her kneck beefour she scarpers for the wrest of the day. it is troo, if yoo wont to hold gwen down yoo knead at least for horizontally opposed thums too doo the job.

I is having a ver nice sunday bathe on the patteeoh, so dad stroke my hed, my mum put the drops on and i do'nt bother to moove or stop purring, easy as that. dad then grab runty wot is up the guardin and bring her down, she is a bit suspishuss but is ok bout it. but dad doo not get nun put on him when he need it moste. tippical of humans that he get left out.

if they do'nt put this stuff on then they coam us; well, i is ok, except when they doo my private, personal bits like my tummy wot is mine and privet and ver wunderfull. runty get a bit miserble wen the coame go over her titties and gwen am just impossible and yoo need a full flack jacket and ultra thick gluvs and then she can still run away cos the gluvs is thick. the runt need a coame reely cos she molte so much every wear. gwen think the enemee is invaiding enny time and doo not reegard mee on petrole as holding the frort.

my dad sez that in the old days with the old runt, edie-puss, or e.d. puss, she was "dermatologically challenged" and was ded scabby on her back and luvd beeing coamed and was moast grateful as long as yoo did'nt nock the tops off her scabs. yuk. they yoosed to yoos flea powder in those days and poor edie-puss would pea herself at this. rex or wrecks woz just too gormless to panic moor than a bit.

oh yes, the too feemails is getting even wers in there langugage too each uther when they meet, in the frunt room wot is disputed territtorree and the kichen daw, oh, yes, and when runty dun popped into the play room the uther eevning. so unneccesserry. ho hum. feemails, eh, do'nt get it, do yoo?

more peeple wot spell and yoos the propostroffee like mee!!!!!

2007-06-06T10:13:00.001+01:00

My dad arsked speshally nicely if i wood put up the notis' on the left (or is that rite?) cos the spelling is just like wot I doo and they yoos the apostrotoffee just like wot i duz. This silly noti's cum from a estate agent (wot ever that is) corled Abacus. My dad say that if they carnt spell there number wun werd - proper-tea - write and carnt doo basic grammer, and show so little care for checking detail he will never yoos them and thanks for the worning!!!! I has had a close look at the notis and it look ok too me but i no that my dad like proper-tea cos in der morning he has a speshall tea pot and he put in too tipes of tee in a speshal thing wear he take out the leaves so it do'nt broo two much; 2 spoonfools of early grey and won spoonfool of inglish brek-farst. my mum say proper-tea is theft - huh???? she think this very witty (she not ver brite and werk two hard so it gon to her brane wot left of it).

he orlsew arsk ver nicely if i can ad a foto from a local froot storl wear the apostro'phe look fine too mee????? dunno wot he on about but he say theirs lots at the froot storl like this.

the uther foto on the left (or is that rite?) is of my tummy, cos its luvly.

I CANT EDIT THE BLOG ON GINGERS!!!

2007-06-06T10:11:00.003+01:00

their is a horrid advert thingy on the blog beefour this won and i cant' get in to edit it and take out the narsty ad thingy!! GRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! norty norty guardinia noosepaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoomans is not all bad + lots of gests.

2007-06-03T10:43:00.001+01:00

Hoomans is not orl bad, yoo no. They has put out hour sunny table on the pat-ee-oh for sunday barthing in the mournings and ver nice it is to!!! Hear is a nice picksher of me n runty using hour table. Ockayjonally der hoomans wont to yoos it so they can eat and drink and things off it, wot wee doo allow but is not ver nice too think that they put there food wear we is sleeping and lying and scraching and things.
They has orlso got out our lownjers. Now hear is moor of a problem cos sumtimes der hoomans insist on sitting on them or wont us to share nicely thingy - well, this just wo'nt do and they is sumtimes ver rude and throw us off or shuv us over. and then in the eevenings they wont to put the cushons inside and wake us up and things. I mean, look, hoos guarden is it, eh? hoo yooses it moste? gose too the toilet in it nicely and in privet, who guards it, eh, arsner that wun? rite. nuff sed. nice too have the things out aygen but them hoomans better woch it.

oh yes, i has had lots of visiters and gests. the payrents woz going to go near dartmouth road, round the corner wear i do not go, in devon too sea danl and roses but my mum got sick. mimi wood have cum and fed and served me and i wood have let her feed the others two but the payrents woz at home but still she cum to visit me. this woz ver very nice to sea her aggen. shame woz she brort a little boy. now i is not frytend of littel boys or ennythink, no, i just needed to pop necks door to check on my territtorree their four a few ours as the peeple woz away. so i sore less of mimi wot woz a shame. then my big bruvver danel cum up to sea me and then roses cum two. its grate too sea my big bruv aggen but why he bring this feemail around orl the time i do'nt no, i suppose they are orl rite, i mean runtys ok even if gwen is'nt. hes not as much fun as when we woz yung together but he is still nice to me and he is my big bruvver and we has a more matt-yure relay-shon-ship- now!!!

runty have lerned a new teckneek!

2007-05-28T09:11:00.001+01:00

As yoo no normally wen runty doo drink from her fave-rit tap she doo get water on der brane cos she stick her hed under der tap, drink from der wosh bay-sin and it get orl wet on top and she then have a damp hed for quite a long time wot she do'nt reely like, speshally in winter, the wet soke throo too her brane and she get lots of short sir-kits and get eeven madder than she is jump about and bite her tale ect ect.

well she hav shown that she is not total stoopid cos she has tort herself a noo teckneek for drinking from her fave-rit tap so that her hed doo not get wet no more. well, dun, runty, wee say. of corse, wen i occayjonally has a drink from der tap in der barth downstares i drink strait from the worter streem ennyweigh but that cos i is sew much maw cleverer than runty enny weigh - but wee orl new that, did'nt wee!

runty tork too der pay-rents much more than i do. i dus chat a bit wen they is ver stooopid but when she up stares in her territtorree air-reea wot she shares with me, she orlweighs deemarnding and torking lots and wont her way - but she do'nt tork down stares and she do'nt purr ny-ther cos its gwens air-reea (eck-sept the kitchen, wot we orl share - mind yoo, wen runty and gwen meet in the kitchen the language am sumthing shocking i can tell yoo as a nice polight cat, they doo not share nicely at orl!)

is'nt this orl sew ver ver intresting.

He dunn it aggen!!! wye???

2007-05-28T08:57:00.000+01:00

I do'nt beleeve it!! He dunn it aggen!!! He cut der grarss orl short!!! yoo can sea mee looking up and down der guardin in der pics. He doo this evry yeer. Its not just me grumbling and beeing cross cos i has lost orl my cam-you-flarge. I is cross cos i has lost orl my cammyouflarge so it makes petroling der territtorree that much maw complicated cos I ca'nt hide down in the long grarss. But wye doo he doo it??? cos i tell yoo i has wotched der grarss evry yeer over der years and i tell you egg-sackly wot will happen - it will grow back aggen, it orlweighs doo so wot der point in cutting it????????????

my dad say i look orl four-lawn!!! and then he larf alot. i dont' get it and i think he is sad.

Now der whether has bin reely grot since he cut it. In fackt, he keeps going round saying, oh, ar'ent i clever to get the second cut dun quick in der nick (hoo he?) of time, cos the rain has started, and it reigned just about orl the time since. And he seem pleased with this!!! But i can sea that it is orl-reddy growing back and cos the whether is so grot and wet and windy now lots and lots of leaves has blown down off the trees ontoo the grarss. And grarss do like der reign for growing more quicklier. (Ack-shirley, if hee ever took a close look at der grarss he wood sea that it is harf moss ennyweigh, but he do'nt doo hee?)

wye is leaves corled leaves? obviuss. cos they leave the trees and forl down. ok?

so the grarss is short (and noing him he will cut it aggen and aggen orl summer) i has no camyouflarge, and he is stoopid and it mean that he will get out the noisy grarss cutter thingy aggen and wake me up when i is resting in my territtorree and runty am orlso woked up, and it do'nt even give us extra toilets the way way der weading doo.

I is so cross that i is going four a sleep.

PS der private hej out frunt am orlso growing farst with the reign. he have cut this two, do'nt sea wye. its corled a private hej cos it keeps yore frunt guardin private so wood be much better if he just let it growed. speshally since the worl woz forling down so they had it taken aweigh. my mum wonts a new worl but my dad sez its post modernist (we never had a worl throo the post!!) and a homarj(?) too tracey emin. [I said, now emin now emout - but my dad did not think this was funny, he got no sense of humer].

Kwick Kwizz number too

2007-05-26T10:00:00.001+01:00

Wich picksher is anuther ded mouse wot gwenny has popped on the patio and witch picksher is a compleet runt sun bathing on the guardin table??? Ha! ha! ha! (Hear is a kloo: won of dem has flabby bits and not enuff feur).

Is der mous on der left (or is that rite) or on der rite (is that left)? Is der runt on der write (or is that left?) or on der left (or is that wright?)?

eek, my dad hav scene this and he say it in ver bad taste and I shood not poast it. I say how can he tell cos he has not tasted der mouse or runty? he sez that orltho runty is bonkers there is no maliss in her and she is sweet, well their is no maliss in me either only hills sigh-ens. and this is MY blog not his!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? but i got to be cairfull with him at the moment cos he all cross and grumbly agen cos he ca'nt wotch der crickets on der telly cos you can only sea them in the Sky and he wo'nt pay rupert murder-ch to look at the sky!!!!! (bonkers; it do'nt cost nuffink to look at der sky and their ai'nt no crickits their but yoo dont' argyou with him bout this thing - i thort it was summer madness but larst winter he woz reely reely cross cos he coo'dnt wotch der crickits' ashes cos of der sky - it orl yere madness burning crickets sew yoo can look at the ashes! but then he gettin old and der minde am gowing. eek - hope he do'nt reed this)

Kwick Kwizz

2007-05-26T09:43:00.000+01:00

This is a very kwick kwizz four yoo. Are these pickshers of a fry-ten-ing lion in der jungle like wot yoo sea in der telly progroms of David Attenberger or is it a ver fry-ten-ing, tuff and brave cat on petrole in der long jungly grass of his terittorree beeing brilliant at der camyooflarj??? Now, I is giving no cloos at orl this time but I wood be scared if I did'nt no it was me.....or, dam, do'nt reed that bit.

Acksherley having a top cat is ver ver yoosfull. Sum ver nice naybores (thats' like peeple wot live ver near to us, sort of on the edge of my territtorree) has been bergled too times in the last few months and necks door too them to - my dad helped alot the ferst time. Burgling is ver horrid, it is when peeple brake yore home to clime in and take yore things. My mum and dad sez they woz bergled several times and moor than once quite a long time ago but has not been burgled since they got me wot is hardly surprising cos probly the berglars has seen me in der guardin and think ooh we had better not try to brake in their cos there is a pritty frytening top cat on gard!!!!! My dad say; correlation does not indicate causation to witch i sed; quod est demonstrandum, and he went off in a huff beefour I cood arsk him wot it ment. nuff sed.

The Last Mug

2007-05-25T08:47:00.000+01:00

Last saterday my dad put on the telly too wotch sumthing corled the Last Mug......or the Final Cup.........or the Cup Final, enny weigh sumthing like that. I has never wotched this beefour but he wonted too sea sumthing new and speshall corled der new wemberleee. I do'nt no wot a wemberlee is but i no my payrents woz not pleesed bout der bilding and thort it woz brillant that it took sow long, cos they sed their woz an old wemberlee and it ment that lots of peeple played or visited der old wemberlee (still not shaw if it is a game or a plaice) and lots of horrid peeple maid our tube stay-shun and tube line scary too go on - cos they go without mee to protect them.

Enny weigh, so my dad swiches on the telly a few mins beefour three and their is the most terrible terrible noise like peeple being torcherd (?torch-herd? - new werd four mee to rite) but my dad eggs-plained that it woz too wimmin trying too sing. huh - this woz a joke of his but he sed he woz seereeuss. One woz sarah not very briteman der ex mrs lord andrew lloyds bank and der uther had a blokes name corled leslie grabbit or sumthing, hoo thinks she can sing cos she dun low grade oprah and telly. Well, it woz trooly terrible so my dad switch the telly off strait aweigh. He say that there egos is so big that yoo cood'nt fit one of them on a 46 inch plasma screen and (now I has to rite this wright cos he is wotchin me) there talent is in inverse proporshon too there egos - do'nt understand. My dad say he wunce sore leslie grabbit on her telly pogrom sing a doo-ett with a lady corled Renee Fleming and he just larfed cos he sed how can leslie grabbit bee sew stoopid too think she can sing with renee fleming wot is a reel classy bootiful singer and just make her look wers. I did not sea this four-two-nately.

Ok, so my dad then say he going to a place or bloke corled der jim cos it will be empty with the Mug Final thingy on and it boring. Wen he cum home i is weighting and he say we can wotch the larst 5 minits but then they play lots more - rong agen dad - and i wotch with him. it is sew silly wot i sore i has too tell you.

these men, rite, wont too play with a borl wot is fare enuff i likes to play with a borl sumtimes but they has'nt got enuff, they has only got won and theirs lots of men wot wont to play with it - stoopid hoomans agen. look, i has corky the cork to play with and its mine and i has too corky the corks. won is corled corky-the-cork number wun and the other is corled corky-the-cork number wun; brilliant innit, i named them myself so i wood not forget!! and i can play with won or the uther and the feemails no they is mine and leave them aloan.

well, cos these men ownly has won borl they is having too chaise around to have a tern and not weighting there tern. sum of the men woz waring blue and sum red and they orl had numbers on there back and there names cos they cood'nt remember hoo they were!!! sum had funny names I ca'nt remember, sum had there surnames like Schooles and Biggs and Lampost, sum had their first names like Terry and Ronald-o and Ferdinand, tippical hooman miz up. Won woz corled Heinz like in the baked beens wot is disgusting!! Has yoo ever looked at baked beens? disgusting!! they look just like wen runty doo vom up her brekfarst of you-can-yoober yoorinerry oxilate speshal diet food like wot she dun yesterday mourning. she dun vommed her brekfarst too times this weak - wunce over her bole of food and der flaw wot my dad had to cleen up and throw aweigh the food and wosh her bole and then on the pat-ee-oh yesterday. pointless, never understood this vomming of food, it such a waist. my mum dun a big vom the uther day and she now bin in bed for a few days and i is dooing sum nersing wen i is not sleeping.......er on petrole in the son.

so the men is running about for a tern of the borl and the reel joke is they keep forling over or bashing each uther over, wot is not ver nice, and they is so stoopid that they ca'nt cach the borl or pick it up. reely!! sea - this shose how stoopid der hoomans is as ever. cos they run on too legs not for like wot i duz they forl over lots (like oskers' starff dun and broke her rist ver bad wen she woz not drunk as shee keep saying - how she opening her wine at der moment? probbly getting paddy's mum to help). but, my dad keep saying, i has horizontally opposed thums and can doo lots of things like wot yoo ca'nt do (yeah, rite, like i need them as i got my clores ect) but these men is soo stoopid that they ca'nt even catch the borl, well, i think too of them dun cach it but the rest cood'nt werk this out. ha ha ha.

enny weigh, sew they run and run around four a tern of the borl and that just about orl they doo. oh yes won bloke ckicked der borl into a fishing net thingy won time and seemed very happy and his frends, wot cood not remember his name so he have it on his back, did lots of yukky cuddling thingy. and the uthers (ca'nt remember if it was the reds or the blues wot woz happy) seemed cross cos they wonted a tern too doo this to. enny weigh that woz enuff so we stopped wotching as that woz orl they did orl the time, honest. and that woz it. i wotched and wotched to sea if they wood doo sumthing different or intresting but they did'nt. that woz it!! and then wun bloke woz given a big mug thing and lots of peeple cheered. and then they orl went home.

cos they woz soo narsty too each uther they had to have a pay-rent daddy tipe person their hoo had too have a big noisy wissle to blow to stop the uthers from beeing horrid too each uther, wot happened lots and lots. ver ver bad bee-haiv-ia, tsk tsk.

i do'nt think i will ever understand hoomans.

hear is my advise from a top cat too make this game corled der Mug Final or Cup Final or the Wemberlee better if it must happen agen, and noing hoomans it will. If the silly men are not going to share nicely der borl and take terns like wot i is orlweighs beeing told too doo with the feemails (huh) and danl and zo woz orlweighs beeing told too doo with there frends wen they came too play wen they woz little, then get more borls so that evry boddee has a borl too play with of there oan and then they wo'nt get cross and fite for it in the weighs wot woz not at orl nice to wotch. orlso they will find it much much eesier if they orl use there hands and there horizontally opposed thums that they are so proud of having and think that make them sooooo soopeerier to cach the borl it wood stop running aweigh from them. this shood not bee two difficult eeven for stoopid hoomans to lern yoo wood think - but i has little hope of this from parst expeerience of hooman bee-hay-via.

simple. i think this Final Cup thingy sho agen just how stoopid hoomans is, and how narsty they can bee too each uther, and i think they shood not doo it agen until they has lerned to play nicely toogether.

it orlsow show yet agen that that mr darwin and his thee-oh-ree of eva-lotion woz compleetly rong and that hoomans is pritty low down and not the pin-aikle of eva-lotion like wot he thort.

a very sad story and troo

2007-05-15T10:34:00.000+01:00

my dad met a naybore wot i do'nt know cos she lives the uther side of the Big Road wot i never go near cos rex (wrecks?) wot lived beefour me once got ver ver lost (he woz ortistic) and long way from der house and der territtorree and woz lost for weaks and weaks and weaks and den woz found and brort home and ate 3 suppers!!! and never went far aweigh again.

well, my dad met this laidy wot had 3 cats like us; 2 wot she got and woz there mum and 1 wot cum to them and took them on as staff and lived with them. and she told my dad that orl 3 of her cats had dide in the last few munths, and mr uncle josh our vet could not save them, and now she has no cats and now she is sad. she wunders if it woz a vye-russ. i do'nt know wot a vye-russ is but i shall be extra alert on petrole - even when my eyes is a bit closed - so we duz not get no vye-russes in my house!!!!

my dad sed too the ladee that she shood go and ask mr mayhew-home rspca for sum noo cats and she sed she do'nt wont old, maingee cats but wonts kittens. my dad sed that yoo can get kittens from mr mayhew-home like wot wee woz. i think she shood cum round and meet me for a chat bout this and sea how brilliant i is, and also sea just how bootiful gwen is (yuk yuk) but i think we have to keep runty hiden cos she is such a runt even if i quite like her.

but wee is all very sad hear for this lady joodee and her husband val, and for der cats wot is no longer with us, of corse.

doo hoomans ackshirley no wot a mouse is??

2007-05-14T17:35:00.000+01:00

I am sumtimes amazed at the compleet ingorance of hooman beans. hoomans corl der compooter thing on the left (or is that rite?) a mouse. (sigh). sew, hear is a bit of edjukayshun. der fing on der wright (or is that left?) is a propper acktual mouse. gwen has popped a cupple of mouses on the patio this larst weak. did i sea her? no but i duz not catch mouses. I has played with mouses for a bit and it can be good fun but i is not a killer of them but she did not eat ither. it is a bit wet from orl the reign but woz pritty fresh so hear is a picksher for yore ejucayshun..

So, if their is hoomans reeding this let us look at the diffrences, ok? cat's nead not reed no maw cos they will no wot i is torkin about strait away.

one is ver small and tiny and one is quite a bit bigger - guess wich. won is a furry little thing and one is plasticky smoothy - which won? won has a tale and won has a why-yer - getting the idea? one is a little animal wot scutters around der gardin on its own and run away from cats and the uther sits on a desk buy a compooter and do'nt doo nuthin unless a hooman moves it. won has got for legs and the other has nun. one has no clicky buttons or wheely bits and one duz.

ok, i hope buy now yoo have werked out wich is a mouse - cos if not yoo is excepshonal stoopid.

how cood enny body have ever corled the compooter thingy a mouse? it do'nt look nuthin like a mouse and its' the rong size. duh! its' two big!!!! its' the size of a rat or a berd. so why not corl it a rat or if yoo wont to corl it sumthing relating to the top animals of orl yoo cood corl it a mere cat? click on the rat or mere cat ect. or just do'nt corl it arfter an animal at orl if yoo is so bleedin ignorant, blind and stoopid.

nuff sed. i win as yoojall.

PS Gwen dun left annuver mouse on the pateeoh tooday. that makes too add won, wot is a bit big as a some four me......er......lots.

swopping yore baby for anuther won!!!!

2007-05-09T11:54:00.000+01:00

My dad sore this at a roman fought and i woz so shocked i thort that it woz a scandal (dunno wot that is but my pay-rents yoos that werd when they is reely cross bout things like eye-rack, pee eff eyes ect). this woz seen at a roman fought. it let's peeple put there baybee in this sort of little house place and yoo can get a new one instead, a sort of swop plaice!!! well, i is shocked that hoomans wood doo such things!!! i no that when my payrents first got danl home they wonted to swop him cos he did'nt cum with a OFF swich and he woz ver ver happy not to sleap when the payrents woz ver keen to have a sleep, and i can understand this cos i like my sleep and i has a sort of inside on/off switch. but they was not aloud to swop danl cos they did not find this baby change plaice of four jays back then.

how duz it werk? well, i suppose yoo go in orl polite and say sumthing like, good mourning i has a baby wot i has had for a bit and i wood like to change him or her for a noo won cos this is not quite the won i wonted. and they say; certainly, we has a few hear, wood yoo like to take a look and choose a noo won and we will sea wot we can doo with yores? maybee der baby change plaice cood link up with mr mayhew home rspca, ware i come from and then yore cat cood go along their and say look, i need to swop my hoomans, they is not ver satsifdc....satisfacktry.......good and i need to find sum new wuns. but it wood be terrible if der hoomans wonted to get rid of the cats and the cats woz happy in there house and did not wont to leave - ooh, that wood be terrible. babys is ok to swop but not groan up cats wot is settled and orl that with hooman payrents or staff.

beefour leaving i had better eggs-plain wot a fought it; one of them interesting werds i has not yoosed beefour hear. well, in roman times, wot woz beefour i woz bornded (I no, crazy idea that), so probly bout when danl woz bornded or sumthing like that, long time ago. if yoo woz going to do lots of fighting and yoo wonted to win yoo wood bild a place to fite from and this is corled a fought, cos yoo fought from it. and they woz ver good coz yoo then had a good chance of winning the fight with a good fought. simple reely. orlweighs glad to help eggs-plain the misteries of langwidge cos i can werk these things out.

sea me doo the tie-pin!!

2007-05-09T10:17:00.000+01:00

I thort yoo mite like to sea mee ack-shirley at der puter werking at my blog. Well, tie-pin is not that easy four a cat but cos i is clever with my pours i can manage to put down my grate thorts and news stuff four yoo orl too reed. yoo corl der fing you tiep on der tie-per so when yoo doo it it is corled tie-pin. I is all-sew sitting at my desk wot my dad sumtimes sez he needs to you's wot is not ver considerate of him when i knead it, in the summer i minde less cos i will sunday bayth in der guardin and sumtimes i will rest sumware else.

the thing on the left (or is that rite?) what is a bit shiney is corled by my dad a mouse. now, forgiv me cos as a cat i is just a bit of a egg-spurt on mouses, alot more than hoomans is, and this ai'nt nuthin like a mouse! i has played with mouses quite a bit, speshly when i woz yunger and gwenny wood bring them in and give me tern or i wood find won for myself. mind yoo gwen did not bring them in too play with but as a taisty snack. sumtimes she wood eat it orl and just leave a tale, sumtimes she wood eat bout harf and leave the rest and sum times she wood not be botherd to eat it at orl but just liked the carrying and killing bit - she a bit older now and doo it less. my dad did say to her, please to eat it orl up rarther than leaving him to have too clear up half a eaten mouse but he sed it woz a good biology lesson for him (he nice yoo sea). as yoo no i eats only mr hills science food sow woz not bothered about the mouses four food.

why, yoo arsk, oh egg-spurt, is this shiney thingy not like a mouse? 1. it is two big. mouses is small, sweet, furry creetures and this is much two big, it is the size of a rat. 2. it do'nt have a head and we no that orl animals has a hed. 2. it is orl shiney and have no fur - nuff sed on that. 2. it do'nt have no legs nigh-ther. 2. it dont' have no furry little wiskers like wot we animals has. 2. it got clicky buttons on it's top like wot i has never scene in any animal and never scene in nun of the telly progoms of mr david attenburger. sorry my dad sez he is a "sir" (wot ever that is) ok; mr david sir attenburger (ok? now go away and leve mee too doo my werk, hurrumff).

in conclusjon, it do'nt look nuthing like a mouse at orl and if hoomans wo'nt too corl this thingy after any animal it shood be RAT! but that tippical of hoomans and there ignorance and stoopidity. personally, i do'nt find it easy to use the rat at orl not having a horizontally opposed thum, so i has had to lern orl the comands bye yoosing the Ctrl button and pointy arrow quays and things.

nice fotos, eh? i is a pretty good lookin chap even if i say sow myself - yoo can see the intelgence....intel-gents.......ineligence...................er........brains!!!

late eddition, added later: erm, ackshirley, there woz a ded mouse on the patio and gwen did not tell dad or me about it (well, she woul'dnt tell me, wood she?) and it had bean their four a bit, so woz not ver nice when my dad cleared it up after the rain and flies and stuff. And it do'nt look nuffin like wot is on the compooter (mind yoo i has never left a pooter mouse out in the rain and stuff but I do'nt expect it looks like the dead won!!

I woz left in charj agen

2007-05-07T18:34:00.000+01:00

this is a picksher of me on gard dootee - but yoo do not need to be fry-tend cos its' only a picksher.

Ho hum, der payrents went away agen but only for won nite. I tell when this is happening cos they get out der suit cases. If yoo is wundering wot a suitcase is I will tell you: it is quite a big case, it can be small big, meedium big or big big. It is corled a suit case cos it is the case that suits yoo for that hol. So, for egg-sample, my dad climes up to der cubbord wear der suit cases is kept and he arsks my mum wot case she wonts and when he gets it down, she say; "yes, that case suits me". Sea? Just thort I had better eggs-plane. Sumwun sed its' a case wot yoo put a suit in but thats' stoopid cos a suit is small and thin and only needs a little bag. Sum peeple is just plane ingorant.

Enny way, these woz not big cases like when they went to see the lady corled Florence (or Frenzy in Florenc'es language) by boat (remember, my mum kept saying do'nt forget you rows, and he sed I no - but they come back in sumthing corled a plain, but a plain wot I do'nt no cos the peeple in a place corled Meridiana left their suit cases - sea, remember wot it means - behind and they did not cum four three days!!! and they woz cross. they left orl the peeple on the plain thing and took off orl there cases - enny weigh thats' not wot i is wrighting about today).

So enny way, this time the popped off for a little bit for a sandwich wot is near kenterberry or kent for short, to stay with the deemons. I went out frunt and sore them leave. the thing is it is reely hard werk being in charj of the hole hous as well as the guardin. And runty orlweighs gets upset and doo a pea wot do not smell nice; she doo it behind the frunt daw so they smell it wen they cum back strait a weigh. I tell her not too cos the pong aint' nice but she do'nt lissen cos she get sooooo cross that she hav to drink from boles whot she dont' like, she only like der tap for a drink. gwen just keep quiet thank goodness and i has too doo orl the werk. they leave us with food and worter and thats' ok, alltho i have to keap an I on it, to make shure the gerls do'nt gobble it orl up in wun go, thats' why i is at the boles such alot.

then when they cum home i has to sit on them bothe and follow them arround so that they can stroke me lots and lots just to reashure them that everything is orl rite. and runty need to sit on my dad and gwenny need stroaking two. but i duz not need it cos i has mist them, oh no not at all, it is cos they has missed ME, sea? and they need to stroke me lots so that they feel orl wright at home again, and I sits on them and things just to calm them and orl that, and go flollop on the floor or carpit lots so that they can stroke me and sea my luvly tummy.

i think sum of yoo think that like i get loanly when they go aweigh even just wun nite, well i do'nt, ok!!!!!! it'snot true, us top cats duz not get loanly and fry-tend at orl. i just do'nt like having to gard so much territtorree orl on my own cos normaly i let share der gardin of der hous wiv der hoomans and I do orl of der guardin. its' tye-ring having so much responstability and havin too bee in charge orl der time that i can hardlee get a wink of sleap. enny weigh, they cum back wot is orl that matters.

men is snooking on der telly!!!!

2007-05-04T08:56:00.000+01:00

I has to tell yoo wot is happening lots on der telly cos it is sooo very stranger. men are snooking together, cos they try to snooker each other on telly at a time wen childern cood be wotching!!!! wot is snooker you are rite to arsk? it is won of the straingest things i has ever seen hoomans doo and they seem too doo it for ours and ours, i can close my eyes for the odd few minits (or longer) and I can open them and they is still doing it, honest, and it look just the same to me.

ok, hear is wot snooking or snooker is. 2 groan men stand at a table where-ing waist coats. wot is a waist coat? it is like a jacket wot dus not have no sleeves and the won plaice it do not go is around yore waste!!!! only hoomans wood think of a name like that!!! well der too men, with dickey bow ties stand around a big table wot has lots and lots of balls on it, some are pritty colours. they each has a long stick, nearly a poll, and they hit balls but not in an ordinary way. no, they only hit won white ball wot then hits anuther ball or moor. oh, ho, you say, just a minit, that must mean that the flaw is covered in balls all the time??? well, you is rong because the table has got an edge too it so that the balls do'nt fall off but can bounce off the sides. so, the men take it in terns to hit a white ball wot hits anuther ball - and thats' it!!!!! but their is moore to it if yoo wotch for a bit. oh, yes. the table has got holes in it!! honest!!! not kidding, a table with holes!!! 6 i think but thats' lot's four me to count, and quite offen the silly men hit the balls and they fall into a hole, clumsy!!! this obviously happens alot cos they put stringy pocket things to catch the ball when this happens and their is anuther man wot wheres white gluvs wot take's the balls out of the holes and puts them back on the table wot wood not be necessary if the clumsy men with the sticks did'nt let the balls fall in in the first plaice!!!! also if they maid the room a bit warmer then the therd man wood not need to ware gluvs. so tha'ts wot they doo!!

and this therd man say orl sorts of strange things like "brake" and give a number!! well, if he want to stop the balls why doo he shout brake orl the time, balls is not like a car, they have no brakes, stoopid, eh?? then uther men wotch orl this wot yoo cant' see and they say things like - oh, he's kissed the pink on the way throo" (disgusting!!! yuk yuk!!! kissing balls - dogs lick them orl the time I has seen it and now groan men kissing their balls on telly!!! i shut my I's), he needs to screw back (what that mean????) to be on a red or the black or what ever. then cos something is broken they have to rubuild it or sum rubbish like this - yes, they say, his break-building is very good in this match. well, matches will brake cos they is only maid of thin would. then they start talking bout guardenin; a long pot, a short pot, oh he's taking the pot on, yes hese going for the plant, etc. and hoo this man corled john with a parrot wot he keep hidden hoo then tork silly wen they get the bawl's out for the necks tern?

and then lots of peeple clap. or they clap lots if the wite ball get stuck behind anuther bawl (big deal!!) and they say, oh, that good, he snookered him!! just cos the white ball hiding. this seems to be thort speshal clever.

so, yoo arsk, wot happen in the end? well the man with wight gluvs get fed up with taking the balls out and he just let the too men with sticks hit the white ball to hit the uther bawls until they have all gone in the wholes and their is nun left. ah, good, yoo think, it is now all over. nope. the man with wite gluvs take all the balls out of the pockets under the holes wear the too clumsy men has hit them, he put them back on the table and then they start again, and he tell which man can brake something first - fred bloggs to break.

so wot has happend? too men has worked around a big table lots and taken a stick and hit a ball wot hits anuther ball wot sumtimes go in a hole in the table. anuther man with wight gluvs helps them by putting the balls back on the table when they go in a hole until he get fed up and then he let them hit the bawls until theirs nun left when he then get them out and they start again. well, hears my suggestshuns to make it all over much quicklier:

1. have moor wholes in the table speshally in the middle bit cos then yoo cood hit the balls in faster if thats wot yoo wont too doo.

1. dont' have no holes in the table and then yoo wont' have to have a frend to get the balls out for yoo when they fall in a hole.

2. hit lots of balls first and not just the wite won.

2. let the uther man have a tern with the stick, it is very shellfish the whey he never get a tern.

2. stop taking the balls out of the wholes. once a ball has gon into a whole then you have lost it cos yoo is clumsy.

2. let moor peeple have a tern.

3. stop hooman men from beehayving in such a very very silly whey.

i feel ver ver sorree for hooman men if this is wot sum of them doo with there time when they cood be out on petrole protectin their territtorree or getting lots of exercise chasing a cork or sumthing yoosfull in life. but i has lernd wun thing from this cos its' corled der werld championshp and i has lernd just how big der werld is!!! cos their is peeple from a long long weigh aweigh in it; from ingland, scotland, whales and higherland - sow, now I no that is der hole werld. and canada (or canada water too give it it's fool name) is in lunden ingland on der docklands lite railweigh. sea, wot yoo can lern is outside yore territtorree!!

jobs, weeding and putting dried plums on der trees!!!

2007-05-03T09:19:00.000+01:00

Now, ferst of orl wot is this bout putting dried plums on der trees, yoo may well arsk. well i woz in der guardin on dutee gardin der gardin when a man come round der gardin with der pay-rents (ackshirley i woz doin my toilet and trying to be privet when he cum in) and i woz lissening to them and they is torking about pruning the branches on the tree and things like this and I thort, hang on, i will get a bit closer when they cum up the gardin. well, they was torking about lots of pruning. now, i no that prunes is dried up plums cos my mum likes them in her yogat but why they wont to stick them on trees I duz not no, but then hoomans is so often daft and stoopid, speshally as most of the trees make pritty flours and blossom and things ennywhey. well, when der man cum up der guardin a bit more i thort i wood give him more space by strolling necks door. my dad said after that i looked scared of him and that i run away and throo a whole in der fence and looked pritty pathetic. this is not true!!!!!!! i is not a scaredy cat at all!!! and certainly not of that man!!!!! i woz just beeing polite and making more space in my territtorree for him. Hurrumpff!!!!

hear is a new job yoo can sea in one of the pickshers. i is guardin my mummys' werk. she has to put marx on all these bits of papers from stoodents. i like to mark papers two when my poors are muddy but she tell me to bugger off and stuff (thay say that cos they luv me) and wo'nt let me mark them two!! she sez it is see-reeuss and she has to make them smell like perfume or something cos she gives them all per-scents, then she agree that I is dooing a good job and let me just do the gardin insted.

the payrents woz out in der gardin dooing wot they corl weedin. i has scene this beefour and wotched them dig up bits from the flour beds and make nice toilet spaces and dig over the erff and then never put there bottoms down once! so, i has thort wot four they doo this? now i has scene why!!! they do it so we can do wees their wear it is nice and clere, they make maw toilet for me n runty. they had just dun a luvly job under the hi-dranger.......high-dranger.......hide-ranger (sorry, not shure of the spelling hear and I is trying hard with my spelling) boosh when runty pop up weed under it. so thats' wot weeding mean, a place so you can i say i woz weeding their like wot runty dun. its' a good thing I think about language innit?

me n runty allslow yoos der bits dey weed for a spot of lying out and sunday bathing - nice pic we is lying around a small rosie bush, and der won near my hed alreddy have a luvly whight rose. ahh!

the grarss is dead good and long now so I can hunt for butterflys innit and use it as camooflarge.

and a nice picksher of my very speshall tummy wot is won of my best feechers and diffrent from der wun beelow.

oh, a speshall werd for my frend osker wot has extra werk too doo now, pour osker. his staff has fallen over drunk with werk on the step and broken up her rist bad. this mean osker has too doo more werk in der house and things and the staff has to sling her arm in it or have her arm in a sling or sling her hook or sumthing like that, and she has a plaster on it. i did say in a previous poste that hoomans is falling over and braking things cos they only work on to legs insted of for like us, and their you go. but we cats must be nice to hour infeeriors, so osker, bee nice to der starff but just make shure she bluddy feeds yoo propper like wot she shood doo, her rist may take a long time too get better, 2 days!!! so bee nice but not two nice!!!! ok?

oh, yes, and i has too tell yoo that runty dun a very bad thing. she hav pissed on the stare carpet!! this make the payrents ver ver upset cos it doo pong sumthing horrible and take a lot of hard werk too get the smell out. why she doo this? she not dun this for a yere or so and it bin much quieter. it woz a nice day, she have popped out ferst thing but not done her pea and then she popped in and dun it on the stares. my dad get ver sad at this cos it take alot of werk to get the pong out. yoo arsk runty Y and she just look and say - drink from the tap!! ps. it still do'nt smell two good.

wot is der stuff wot is ritten belo on about??????

2007-04-27T18:12:00.000+01:00

Well, i arsked runty wen we woz sittin on der table der uvver day havin a chat - hooray, my dad got out our sunday bay-thing table agen!!! I arsked her wot orl dat stuff woz about wot is ritten beelow, and she sed too mee that she wood hav a look and then she cum back and sed that she did'nt know or care. well, i had anuvver reed of it and honest i cood not understand a bleedin werd of it, rubbish if yoo arsk mee, and it woz so tiring i needed just a few minutes sleep two get over it.

then i arsked my dad if wen i woz sleapin liek in der top picksher if dat woz der paranod/skizzod posishon and he said - no. so i arsked him if he cood show me der paranod/skizzod pozishon and he said - no he carnt doo it but he thinks yoo can learn it at yogourt classes ware hoomans lern too doo things wot we katz doo ennyway. oh, i thort, hoomans is even more stoopid than i thort and i went back too sleap.

Vye do der feemale katz hate each other?

2007-04-25T17:04:00.000+01:00

Guten tag, my name is Friedrich Pumpernickel und I heff been asked to explain to you vye der two female katz in dis house dislike each other so much. In oerder to achieve zis I must use der Kleinian theoretical position; to klerify, ziss iss der theoretical position of Melanie Klein and iss not connected viss der work of Gibbon's Die Klein und Fall of der Roman Empire.

Tosca (Runty, Nu-Nu) is split from her tail that she sees as a separate being and tormentor, she bites the tale to punish it for tormenting her but the pain from the bite torments her even more so she bites it again or washes it very vigorously vis her rasping tongue. Gwenhwievah (Gwenny) suffers from deep set paranoia even at the best of times and her feelings of persecution are brought into reality because of her near psychotic persecutory impulses zet she projects onto uzzers. Both these can be understood within the paranoid/schizoid position, which sits uncomfortably with Freud's model of pre-Oedipal development as it occurs at a much earlier age. It could be said zet Klein's theory vas too Jung for Freud but zis wouldt not be correct.

Zo, vot iss der paranoid/schizoid position? It is a very primitive state of early childhood and kittenhood with massive use of projective identification and splitting processes to cope with unmanageable anxieties. There is poor integration and it can lead to psychosis. Now, I am not saying that Runty and Gwenny are psychotic, well not much of the time, thanks to wonderful care in the community that they have received. But it is clear from this description that they each display one of the two aspects of the paranoid schizoid position, and even when feeling their best can lapse back into it. Runty has the split off schizoid and Gwenny the persecuted paranoia. So, when they meet each other they are confronted with the other half of their projected identification and must remain split, vich for zem is intolerable!!!!!

Vee must alzo look at two uzzer concepts; der goodt and bad breast und der vagina. Tosca only vants to drink from taps, cold vater taps; for her zese are der good breast from which she can gain the sustenance her desperately dry system can be satisfied with oral pleasure but the hot taps are the bad taps, the enemies that pour out unwanted water when the humans want to wash their hands etc. Her fixation on these taps and her need to drink in this way rather than from the bowls that contain polluted water, shows a fixation and rigidity to possess for herself at a very primal level the mother's breasts in a rigid and very early primal state. I would conclude from this that Tosca did not have a satisfactory termination to her breast feeding with her mother and may well have been suddenly and untimely removed from this nurturing.

As the room with the cat flat is in Gwenny's territory Tosca has now reached a position where she cannot use this flap to enter or exit, entry is especially impossible for her; thus, the vagina that delivered her has been rejected. Her use of the ventilation hole in the utility room was at find her own, better maternal vagina from which to have an untroubled delivery. However, Gwenny knows this and has started to use this particular vagina - these should not be seen in a symbolic way as the paranoid/schizoid position is most concrete - and to mark it with her smell, thus creating ambiguity and confusion where it cannot be permitted. What can Tosca do, perforce she must use this if she is unable to persuade a human to open the kitchen door, through which unencumbered movement can be made.

For Klein progress from zis state is into ze depressive position? Vant to try it, sweetie, a life time of depression? Und here she falls down, der Klein und fall; if you look at Biggles, der top kat, he iss in no way depressed but is a contented beast who hess his life pretty much worked out. He has no problems and keeps der two females in perspective, he hess nothink to contribute to the runt's splitting but he can help Gwenny with her paranoia, end ziss he does willingly.

Senk you. Zet vill be ten guineas please und I am most happy to commence a full Kleinian psycho-analysis with each cat for a modest daily flea......er......fee. And as the psyche of the cats is less complex than a human I estimate a speedy resolution in approximately nine years.

this is a kwizz!!!!

2007-04-25T10:51:00.000+01:00

wot is a kwizz? well, a kwizz is wear yoo is arsked kwizzchons and yoo has to giv the arnsers, ok? and i is not going to help yoo nyther.

look at these fotograrfs; is they a lion in der jungle? is they that huge liger mix of lion and tiger? or maybe a panther running ver fast? or is it me in my guardin workin throo der long grass cos my dad hasnt' cut it yet and sniffin der blue bells wot is a luvly littel flours now der daffies has gon? is i brilliantlee cammooflarged or can yoo sea mee?

now i is ackshirley not going to giv yoo no hints at orl on this won yoo is going to have to werk it orl out for yoreselves.

its' a tuff won so good luck.

Me n runty got tolde off - tee hee

2007-04-23T08:26:00.000+01:00

Mee n runty got tolde off by dad cos of chaysing gwenny. well, gwenny has bin getting very norty. she has bin eating lots of runtys' speshal food even in frunt of her wen runty nose she shood'nt eat mr hills science food and this upsets runty. but gwen has bin sneeking up stares and kreepin into bedrooms and sleapin under beds even managing it sumtimes when runty or me is asleep in the room, like on hour dubble bed!! she nose its' not her territtorree upstares but she is still doing it to annoy us and she is marking fernitsher and things with her smell wen its hours too doo!!!!

well, gwen thort she wood sneak up stares and go under a bed yesterday mourning wen ever body was asleep accept dad (danl and rosies woz staying two) but runty sore her going up stares and chased her up and gwen found herself trapped with no daw open too go into a room. well, gwen new she was in der rong and runty had a reel go at her, der language was reely shocking even for an experienced top cat like mee to here. dad went up stares to brake it up and runty started down the stares and gwenny hid behinde der lorndry basket. dad wonted them bothe downstares but runty woz waiting for gwenny part whey down, so gwenny had to jump throo der bannisters to get down.

well, gwenny dun cum into der play room in case she needed to yoos der cat flap and get out and i cort her their and got her in a corner and i told her wot four and even rased a poor at her with my clores out!!! ho yes, we top cats knead to keep the uthers in plaice. well, dad dun cum down cos he herd me tellin gwenny wot four and orl that and he sed i shood not doo that sort of thing and leave her aloane. so gwen dun went out and i got told off two but it woz werth it and we woz not reely punisht or nuthin. (but she sneaked back in a bit later cos i sore her and she sneaked under a bed up stares for long long time of sleapin - wot is bad).

oh yeh, dad is gettin a bit fed up with runty two!! cos she is sleapin on his chare by der puter alot and likes it in the arfter noon, speshally, and if dad is sittin on it she looks at him and complanes very loud that he shood get off der chare and give it to her (she is on it now, this mourning, two, cos its' not sunny out) and if he do'nt she just stairs at him and complanes and the moment his bum doo lift off der chair even a cupple of inches she is on it like a shot even if she looks asleep someware!!! dad is less than thrilled with this.

bleedin feemails, eh, hood have them, eh? wot is they four?

oh, runty arsked if i cood put up sum noo fotos of her and i sed yes, so hear she is sunday bay-thing and sitting on her lorndry barskit wen she like der pong of der payrents cloaths cummin up to re-ashoor her.

Universally Challenged

2007-04-16T23:15:00.000+01:00

oh, they had der final (wot ever that is) of yoo-iver-sally challenged on telly and worrick wun. but i noo dis beefour cos zo is at worrick and her frend daisy (wot is a ver nice flour wot grose in our moss (or lorn as dad corls it)) woz captin. zo woz at skool wiv daisy two!! enny way they one sumthing, not shure wot but we orl has too say, jolly good fing and wears my corky?

zo and all-stares left tooday cos dey have there finals things cumming up wot dont' make them to happy at orl. but all-stairs is sooooooo clever he got a ded good job munths ago four wen he finishes and he becomes a meng (not mench - wot is germ-man, wot ever dat is - my dad made me put that) zo will be a ba, like a sheep.

oh, runty am missin her mum, cos altho they woz kicked back too her bed runty is sleapin on it weightin for her mum too cum back - stoopid cat.

and we opend a noo bag of hills science - hooray i like der stuff at der top of der noo packit and in duz not, duz not like der botom of der bag!

dad sez he wonts to rite sum stuff bout florens but i sez he ca'nt too nite cos hes not old enuff and shood go to bed - hes a bit cross at dis.

Few!!!!! I can blog agen

2007-04-16T21:08:00.000+01:00

Intrestin picks dat I thort yoo wood like to sea. Dis is corled a Liger; a daddy lion got frendly with a mummy tiger and dey decided to have a baby together wot is bigger than they are!! But I no dat reeders of this blog wont' be scared cos yoo has seen much more fritening fotos of me gardin der shoppin or camooflarged in der daffydills and fings, never minde playin wiv corkey der cork!! i shood fink he eets alot of hills science in a day. and hes' got a bit of a tummee!!!!!

well der payrents is back from visitin der lady corled florence. gess wot!! unlike cats wot is clever and speak cat, rite? hoomans ca'nt orl understand each uther!!!! amazin!!! yoosless. for egg-sample; wear florence is in her language she is noane as "Frenzy" and "see" means "yes", and if you rite "dove" it do'nt mean soap but means ware or wear or where. say means if ect ect. how stoopid can yoo get. well thats' not orl; der payrents is fooriusss; they did some flying and der meenee hairline thing, kept dem waiting and weighting and weighting on der run up away fingy and den sed we is not bringin yore luggage it orl stay hear but yoo can fly. so der payrents is fooreeuss cos dis pip squeak hairline, meridiana, still has'nt sent der luggage fing wiv der cloves and fings (cos hoomans dont' have feurr).

well, yoo arsk, how woz der hous while der payrents woz away. well, of corse, i was left in compleet charg for der hole too weaks!! zoe was hear wiv all-stares, she go evryware with him, orl kissy kissy yuk yuk and sit at there computers lots, dunno Y. cos i is hyer in der peckin order dan her she has to have dis bloke around so she can try and be on top of me, hmmmmm. and der bluddy cheak dey mooved into my king size bed wot i lets mumm and dad yoos a bit at nite without even arksin me!!!!!!! and allstairs woz grumblin wen i settled on der bed wen my speshal cuvver woz not pooled up - bluddy cheak, in my house. (but acksherley, and do'nt tell no won - it woz reely nice to see zo agen and allstares is not that bad even if he dont' no how to treat a cat proper. it was nicer to have them hear than to be left wiv no hooman in der house and mimi cummin in too feed me - even tho she is nice. me n zo get on ok reely and she is runtys' mummy.
but its' good to have der payrents back, i could help hang out der woshin wiv dad then help mum get it in, makin shure no won attacks them and steels der sheets, even tho if hoomans woz as good as cats dey wood not knead too doo woshin. and it woz nice too day, sleepin on der shed wiv runty. oh yeh, runty wot part of her runtiness is her paffetic feur, looks to have got her ears all sun burnt cos dey is orl pinkee. tee hee. oh yeh and runty dun a big pea on der carpet on der stares like wot she has'nt dun four a loooong time, just arfter der payrents had gon to sea florence (frenzy). danl and rosies woz still hear den and she moped it up.

good to have der payrents back so i has sumwun too share der runnin of der house - not that I cant' doo it without them.

time for a sleap

How stoopid can hoomans bee??????????

2007-03-29T21:47:00.000+01:00

I has to tell yoo diss cos its' sooooooooooooooo funny. and it shoe how stoopid hoomans is. I has too larffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last weak end my mum woz sayin to my dad, do'nt fourget der clocks go fourward two nite. I no sez my dad and I will doo it in der mourning.

Ok, ok. I checks in der mourning and evry day orl der clocks and not won single clock as mooved an inch or a milly meter or nuffink fourward or backward. Ha ha. And der biggest joke is dat der payrents fink dat all der clocks has moved fourward.

HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stoopid. no wot i mean? wear wood they bee without me to check on fings, I dunno.

Fings like wot I duz not liek

2007-03-27T23:23:00.000+01:00

My frend osker woz rightin bout wot he duz not like and I thort it wood be a good idea if i rote wot i duz not like.

1. Loud bangs. I hates dese and they is particular bad not just at Guide Forks but now also at Deer Wally and Eat or Eden fing. They is terrible and loud and flashy things two!! Wot four? we orl hate this.

2. I duz not like being picked up wen I is out der frunt petrolling my territtorree and beeing told I is not clever enuff or farst enuff to go out frunt. It is ver hoomiliating to be picked up and taken in like that in public, speshly if yoove gon out to gard der shoppin from der supermarket.

2. I duz not liek being shut out of rooms ware I wont to sit or sleep. Dis was ver bad wen runty was ver miserble and peaing orl over the place and makin der nice frunt room pong sumthing orfull cos it woz my faverit room at der time. Now she is ok we can yoos it agen but not orl der time and yoo hav to wotch gwen sneeking inn.

2. sum times in the eevnin i feel like sleepin on won of my beds up stares and then I get carried down stares!!! Now this is not rite at orl, they is my beds and I shood be left to sleap ware I wonts. I get ver cross at this and yoos ver bad langwage.

2. (Sea, I can count!!). Sum times I follow my mum and dad and go flollop on my side cos I needs a stroke or 2 or lots and they do'nt give me orl the stroaks wot I nead!!

2. I duz not liek it wen my payrents go out for two long and I is left in charge. They think I stumble down der stares wen they get back cos I has bean sleaping but in fact I get ver ver tired and just nead to shut my I's for a few seconds, not even a cat nap.

2. Sum times they go away on a holliday and leave me in charge for a ver ver long time. This is not fare. Grotty nigel yoost to feed us and he woz a bit horrid and did'nt like us much and didnt' mop up runtys' peas. Now Mimi cums and she is ver ver nice but she do'nt stay long eenuff. Of corse I duznt' get lonely, oh no, top cats duzznt' but its' ver hard beein in charge of der house and der guardin and orl.

2. When der payrents go away on a holiday fing (and I duz'nt no why they duz it) they shut lots of daws and we ca'nt go in the kitch-in or our bedrooms. This is cos of wen runty was pissin bad and she wood fill der hob wiv her pea and pea on der wooden bred bins wot is not nice at orl. I never ever ever do ennyfing like this but still I is shut out two!! Its' not fare!!!!

2. I duz not liek gwen. thats it no maw too say on der subjict. yuk yuk. bleedin dworf!! and less of der oh ai'nt she bootifull etc ect. If fackt why we have feemails at orl? they is pritty pointless reely.

2. i duz not like tom cats. these is like me but they make an orfull pong wen they s-pray and they argue over wot is my territtorree!!!! but they just seem to have sumthing i do'nt but i is not shure wot it is. four-tune-ate-ly this has not happend in a long time.

2. i duz not like the food at the bottom of the hills science bag cos it gets grotty and i do'nt like it. if i wont to eat food cuvvered in dust then i wood!! ok?

2. i duz not like it wen my bole (well they is orl my boles reely) get neerly empty.

2. i duz not like gowin in the car to sea mr josh eeven tho he is nice with it.

2. in der spring wen der daffidills is out like now der grarss begins to groe. dis is good cos then i can play huntin games in it and hide better wen on petrole and then my dad gose and cuts it orl. wot four? he oanlee moans cos hese the oanly wun wot cuts it, so why bother and let me keep my cuvver in the guardin when on petrole.

2. i think that is orl. i am shure their is maw but i ca'nt think of them now and I needs to sleap.

why cats is better than hoomans.

2007-03-25T19:14:00.000+01:00

Ferst of orl beefour arnsering the kwestchon why cats is better than hoomans, wot is so bleedin oblivious I duz not no why i is botherin at orl, I thort I wood show yoo that i duz doo propper gardin jobs, ok? On der left (or is that rite?) yoo can see mee in my terrytory gardin it wile highdin in der daffidills. In der uvver foto on der left (or is it rite?) yoo can sea me gardin a hole lode of hooman food shoppin wile my dad poots it away. So, dats just too show that its troo and i duz doo propper jobs not like wot sum of yoo say that I is a fibber.

why is cats betta than hoomans? well, if theirs enny won hoo cant' sea this i do'nt no wot too say. okay, hear gose.

wee work on orl for legs so we duznt' forl over. hoomans is orlways forlin over, boo hoo go der little wuns mummy i has forlin over and hert both my niece ect ect. then der oldies forl over and help help i go too der vet corled an orthopeadick sturgeon wot scrape his nuckles as he work a long der corridoor, and he go slash slash wiv his nife and then go sore sore as he cut owt der hip joint den bash bash wive his hammer and mallit as he put in a noo plastic wun, screw wizz to screw it down, den stich up der bloody slashin he dun wiv his nife. Huh!
we duz not nead cloves cos we has feurr orl over wot keep us worm in winter and in summer we can molte a bit off on der fernitcher and der hoomans cloves so we do'nt get two hot. hoomans has to bye der cloves in shops, ware dem, wosh dem wen dey get smelly from der hooman smelly bits, den bye noo wuns cos dey forl apart or der hoomans grow ect ect. paffetick.
hoomans orlso nead to ware shoos or slippers and is scared to work on der pours like wot we duz orl der time. scaredees.
cos hoomans has smelly bits dey cant' reach to lick dey make rain in der barf room evry mourning and use silly stuff to wosh der hare and boddee. sumtimes day say i run a barf - i has wotched dis and i tell yoo der hooman do'nt run and der barf stay in der same plaice cos its' not alive and orl dat happen is it get worter in it. no runnin at orl. wot doo a cat doo? he lick himself wivout enny of this and have a nice barf like dat wot cost nuffin - and i is not two fat too reach orl over my boddee, ok!!!!.
hoomans has a speshall room for peein and pooin and have smelly bits cos of this - i no cos i offen sit in wiv my dad. wot do we do? wee go out nicely and find a nice bit of guardin and sit faysin der fence privet like and do der poo or pea havin dug a nice whole den fill it in. no messin wiv der envirment, no flushin galleons of worter.
we can lick our bottoms hoomans ca'nt reach there's. nuff sed.
we has nite vizhon and can sea in der dark hoomans cant'. hoomans sez cats cant sea cullers - wots cullers ennyway and how dey no dat?
we can here orl sorts of stuff wot hoomans cant' wiv hour brillant herein.
hour sens of smell is just so brillant and hoomans is rubbish. if dey snifft each uvvers bottoms like wot cats duz dey wood no lots maw about ware dey bin wivout fibbin.
hoomans has too go shoppin orl der time and cook fud and stuff ware as cat food just cums in a big bag and yoo just go tinkle tinkle in der bole.
we can sleep in lots of plaices in der house or in der gardin when it is sunny but hoomans is moanin dat dey can only sleap in a cumfy bed.
cats orl speek wun languidg but loads of hoomans carnt understand wot der uvver wun sez.
i cood go owt and cach my fud enny time but i just duzznt' knead too, hoomans carnt.
hoomans say dey got horizontally opposed fumms, oh, so big deel!! we has reetracktable clause wot we can yoos to hold hour pray or scrach der fernicher wiv - gwenny doo it orl der time on der sofars in der playroom. and hour clause go in and out.
we ownly knead wun dore four goin in and owt der house, der cat flap, hoomans need lodes.
we can run up trees and stay their or cach berdies (well, ackshirley, i is not ver good at climin up trees but do'nt tell ennyboddee).
me and der uvver cats can clime up and sun bave on too sheds in der gardin but hoomans carnt.
i can scrach behind my ear wiv my back leg, hoomans carnt get enny ware near.
we cats is der most suck sess fool family of hunters ever on der plan it erff.
we is in envirmental harmonee and hoomans has created der effluent society, po-loo-shon and globule wormin.

Nuff sed. I is exorstid now and need to go too sleap.

ps. i is not shure wot orl dem numbers mean but i woz ayble to press dis button to make dem on my bloggy fing. I can count tho - me = 1, me n runty = 2, pluss gwenny = 2, pluss bad ginger down der rode = 2 ect ect. eesy reely innit?

dubble foaldead over doovay!!!! hallo to my frends!!!

2007-03-01T18:45:00.000+01:00

Dubble foalded over doovay!!! ooh its' luverly. I no that runty do normally grab der foalded over doovay but i got hear ferst der uther day, yippee!!! I can tell yoo that runty wer'nt very pleesed wen she sore me on their she sat at the side of the bed and bit her tale for a bit. the piccy up der top shose her fiting her tail. she mad. dubble foaldid oaver doovay is speshally nice cos its' foalded over too times, so i'ts too times as worm, and to times as cumfy and two times as soft. we has to get into hour bedroom farst cos my mum likes to shut the daw until the bed is maid, meeny so beeing a very quick and clever cat i spotted der woz oapen and got in and settled down bluddy quik. thats' wen runty did cum in and got orl cross. but wunce i woz sleaping she sneaked on and i let her stay cos we sleap well toogether.

and bileeve me i is neadin my sleap wot wiv orl der ackshon play i get wiv corky der cork, keepin my huntin skills up too scrach.

AND HALLO TOO ORL MY FRENDS WOT HAS BIN SENDIN ME MESSAGES!!!!!

theres' oscar wot had a telly vizhon pogrom naimed after him - (huh, well i has lodes of books naimed after me wot in dem i is a braive fiter pilot protectin my territtorree!!! but i isnt jellus cos eye is not like that). and to paddy gay in der villij (wots' a village?) and montee. and orl der uvver frendly cats wot liv outside my territtorree in der norff of ingland and canada water on der dlr. ect ect.

ackshirley i is a bit wurrid about oscar cos he is not goin out to der toy-let orl der time and he has a staff (thats' a long stick of would, my dad sez) wot gets cross. oscar i orlways go out. intrestin der feemails is yoosin der tray not for shit but just four wee wees sumtimes but they boath goin out two. they like der tray.

osca woz arskin me bout fings wot i dont' like so i is goin too doo a list ver soon.

buy by frends four now. yore frend and ver brave top cat.

oh and my mum is ver happy cos she got given an Emm Ay wiv Merit but she hasnt' shoan it too mee yet.

Hello Cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-12T18:52:00.000+01:00

Hoo hoo, hello cats out their!!!! its' been grate to here from yoo orl!!! I is very very egg-sited to get news from uther cats about my blog and too wont to chat with me. I am sorry if sum of yoo find it difficult to reed my blog, i ca'nt see why, orl I do is try too spell werds the way thay sound. I have notisd that sum werds can be spelt maw than won whey and I do get a bit muddled then so I try to werk them out best as I can. Spelling is ver ver hard for me but I do my best onest. As to the yoos of the appropostrotoffee thingy, I try to reed the whey it is yoosed but as my blog shose its' all a bit bonkers.

der picksher is ov der poo tray wot my dad dun for runty. she yoosed it der day she cum back from der vet and in der next mourning but now she prefurrs to go owt again altho she bluddy haits it. shes' bonkers.

Hello Oscar!!!! Ver nice to here from yoo agen and from Molly two!! Yore sister. And she went out in the snow like wot I dun. I did'nt try to catch sno flakes cos I is to groan up for that and ennyway I is still playing with corky the cork lots and lots. Molly souwnds nice, not like the miggit gwen wot i has to be nice too. yuk!

I is impressed that your hooman can clame for wee wee problems on der insurance, Runtys' insurance form sez that orl her pre-existing condishons are exluded wot ever that meens. I think it meens that her legs and ears and tale (cos they do'nt no just how much she bites it and just how scabby and yukky it is) are cuvvered but just about nuffink else is, so dad gives the lady at joshs' his bit of plastic and she puts in numbers then dad puts in numbers and looks a bit glum, then she givs him a peace of paper and then thay cum home.

I has still not found west yorkshire on my tube map where is it? I no my big bruvver is living with archie kitten near Dartmouth and I no wear that is cos if I go to the edge of my territtorree out frunt (wot is norty) I can see Dartmouth Rowed on der corner so Danl and Rosies and archie must be near their.

hallo shaddow!!!

I looked for Canada on my map and I found Canada Warf in der east end of Lunden, is that wear yoo liv, cos thats' a long long whey from hear? rite outside my territtorree. I wood'nt wont to work all that way, my pours wood get very saw and its' two far four me to petrole. My dad sez he wunce went to canada a long long long time ago - a mr nixon woz having his impeachment or sum froot like that then, and it woz very big and ver bootiful. my mum says that wunce on the internet she found her granddads' lost bruvvers family in canada and now she has lots and lots and lots of cuzzins in canada to go and sea wun day. so i expect i cant sea canada even if i run across the rode (wot I only doo wen nobodee is looking -shhh). how cum yoo dont' go out? is it even coalder than hear?? im shure that if i lived in canadia i wood be big and tuff and go out in the sno even if it tuched my tummy!!! ho yes.

Its' coald in the house hear. my parents whent away and left me in charge just for wun nite but the boiler has stopped werking. this is corled central heating but ackshirley it gose orl over the house and not just in the center, silly name. enny way the metal thingies in the rooms get hot and its' nice. well, they ah orl colde and the house is coald and their is just the odd fire hear and their, wot i dont' like. my dad sez he cant' find the place to make the sparky to try to relite der boiler so we have to weight four pat and pats hert his back bad so maybee can cum two morrow. i hope sew cos it is a bit chilly. lucky i got ver ver good fur and am very tuff and strong.

Wears Canada?

enny weigh nice to here from yoo orl!!!

Their has bin lot's of sno!!!!!!

2007-02-08T19:03:00.000+01:00

Do not be fritend of dese pickshers (how cum my righting is underlined????) it is not a Sigh-beerian Tyger, its' only me but its' hard too tell the diffrence. Well, it has been snoing lots and lots. Of cause, the uthers do'nt wont to go out at orl cos they is wimps!!!! But even if I do'nt like it I still gose out on petrole, cheque the territtorree, make shure the daffies is still their and stuff liek that. Oh, ho, yes, I is not bovered. But look at der picksher of my butch outside water bole, its' gone orl hard, frozen on top!!!! I dont' no hoo put der hard stuff on der top but it makes yoo think, do'nt it.

Well, even in the sno (oh, der underlining has stopped????????) my dad had to take runty to uncle josh cos their was mor blud from her bum and stuff. So, he took her and its' der ujool, sisteritis, gave her her jabs wot she do'nt like and she cum home. she dont' like goin too josh, hoos a ver ver nice man, cos sh'es scaird bout it herting. She cum back run round and stuff and go even more crazy and look miserable, then she sit on dads' lap, nuzzle his fleece and need him while he work at der puter and then she has a huge drink and gose to sleep on his chare. nuffink new their then.

josh says to dad that we shud hav a poo tray INSIDE in the nasty whether, speshally for runty. dad do'nt like this idea and we dont' normally get it in the winter. pah, i say, only wimps knead a tray inside, sum of us still go out to yoos der grate toilet under the skie (tho not ver much). so now we got an inside shit tray with shit grit innit, i shall hav to think bout this.

But ennyweigh i thort you wood be impresst to sea that nuthink stops me from going out, hah!!!

Hoo is Anna Rexia?

2007-02-07T17:56:00.000+01:00

I woz wotchin der telly der uvver eevnin and it woz about sum gerls corled Anna Rexia (wrecksia?). Well, ackshirley der woz moor than won girl corled Anna Rexia wot woz a bit confewsing. Enny weigh, these gerls do'nt like there food and do'not eet and hav no energee to play or nuffink!!! Look dis is ver ver seeriuss. but i'ts ver simple. Look at these nice piccies. On the left is me eetin runt'ys food and on der rite i is eetin my food. Sea, food is luvly. Der tinkle of food going into der bole is just about the luvliest sound in the werld. Ooh, I luv it cos then theirs moor food in der boles. I yoosed to eet ownly my food but now i has found that I like runt'ys food two! Eatin is soooooooo easie!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (hav'nt dun won of those for along time).

So, my advice is this. Eet Hills Science and yoo will be fine. Go to der hooman vet's and get a nice big bag. Yoo wo'nt need too doo enny uther shopping or cooking. and its the perfeckt food. just sits in a sack and yoo can take a cup and put it in yore bole. you will be as happy on hills' science as i am (tho i like the taste of eucanyoobah oxcillate you rinry special diet two. If yoo do dis you will have luvly shiny hare and will wont to play with a corky or sumthink similar or go on petrole (if yoo is a boy).

i was blogged by anuvver cat!!!!

2007-02-07T12:25:00.000+01:00

Ferst of orl do not be frytend by these pickshers!! No no it is not a lyon from one of mr attenbergers' progrom's, it is me still honin my huntin and fytin and killin instints wiv corky der cork. and I tell yoo it is alot of egg-sir-size for a cat of my size. yoo sea it is moast important to keep these skills werkin in der winter mumffs wen it is a bit nicer to sleap on a cumfy bed than out in der guardin, not dat i is not dooin my petroles, no no, they is just a bit shorter at the moment.

well, i got a serprise, i can tell yoo, i got a message from anuvver cat wot has startid bloggin. his name is oscar and you kan finde his blog at http://thoughtsofoscar.blogspot.com
his spellin is a bit strainj cos he dont' spell der whey it sounds, properlee like wot i doo, and, too be onnest, he looks a bit smorl and puney to me. but i is ver ver pleesed to have annuver cat bloggin cos it helps hoomans to understand wot life is about. he seems to have some toilet problems - never understood this, yoo just go owt, do it, stay owt if yoo wont or cum back in. i has ver good fur so wo'ts the big deel?

well cum Oskar to der werld of bloggin! i hope too here from yoo agen.

Egg-Sir-Sighs, Moduls and der cat walk. and posters

2007-02-03T11:16:00.000+01:00

As yoo no I like to sit on der Gardenia noospaper and pick up der noose thru my bottom, like Madona doo with her kabbalar throo tuchin der books and not ackshirley reedin them. Nice picksher of me sittin on der Gardeenian dont' yoo think? Well, der have been too fings in der Gardinian that I wont to tork about.

Dey had a fing bout egg-sir-size - diss is not bout how big eggs is, no no no its' bout runnin round, goin on petrole, playin wiv corky der cork like wot i duz evry day or eevning. Yes yes I is still playin wiv corky der corck, hot stuff i can tell yoo and then i eet and then hav a nice sleep. Well, der Gardinian noospaper dun a artical on egg-sir-size videos and DVDVDs dun by famuss peeple - i never herd of dem - dey is actrissis, modules and some bin in Big Bruvver. Well, i got a big bruvver, danl and he puts videos and DVDVDVDs on lots and I can tell yoo yoo dont' get much egg-sir-size by doin dat so do'nt bye won!!! its' a con, onestly, puttin on videeeos and fings and takin dem out of the machines do not yoos up hardly no energee at orl. doo not by dese videeo dvdvdvd fings. ok?

now, sum of der peepel in dese egg-sir-sighs videos is corled modules. wot is a module, i here yoo arske? well, dey work down sumfing corled a cat work (sumbody told me dat yoo spell work - walk, and yoo spell werk - work, but do'not make no sense in terms of pro-nun-see-ay-shun). sum of dese modules is so thin from workin down der cat work dat dey dont' eat enuff and can even dye!!!!!!!! wot is terrible. it just shoas yoo how much energee we cats yoos up when we work. and dat i yoos up loads and loads of ernergee when i is out on petrole in der guardin wot is a ver ver long cat work. dats why i need to keep eetin my food and keepin well fed and strong.

ooh, yes, der uvver fing in der guardinia is dat dey has been givin away posters. wot is a poaster or poster yoo arsk? well, like me yoo probably thort that a poaster is a man wot delivers der post, letters and stuff evry day; like a runner is sumwon wot runs, a singer is sumwun wot sings ect ect. we has an erly mornin delivery by der poster wot yoojooly cums bout 2 or 3 ocl'ock in der afternoon, and den my dad rites on lots of der envelopes, rongly delivered, not noan, stuff like dat, wot doo not pleese my dad at all.

but i woz rong!!! yes, i no dat almost never happens but i was rong. der is annuver sort of poaster and its' a large picksher wot yoo can stick on yore worl (no!!!! its' not spelt wall, cos yoo dont' say it like dat its' worl, tork smorl, etc. enny way der Gardenia has bin givin way lots and lots of poasters bout boring fings like fish and flowers and garden berds - i no wot gardin berds look like thank yoo!!!! i do'nt need a poster too tell me, or rare berds - well i aint' goin to sea them am i, so wots der point? and dogs - yuk. but at larst dey got it rite and dey dun won on cats. and gess wot, der one for the British Short Hair was a droring that looked just like me!!!!!!!!!! ginger wiv a wite tummy. eck-sept that the droring woz not ackshirley of me cos der cat in der droring woz not enny ware near as good lookin as me. but it shose dat if yoo wont a cat dat is der best of der british short hair yoo go for a cat like me. mind yoo, i fink i is a British Lots of Hair, cos my feur is very fick and lush and luvly even in winter and i can go out in enny wevver on petrole or put my bottom down for a poo and stuff without freezing.

nice pic of me n runty on our dubble bed, dont' yoo think? my pear-rents like to yoos it for a bit at nite, wot i dont' mind but runty doo cos she likes to hav her bed orl der time unless her mummy, zo is hoam den she orlso yooses dat bed. still, nice picksher. acksherly dis picksher woz taken arfter runty n me had gon for lunch and a pea and my dad had shut der dor too put clean sheets on and he did'nt let us back in until heed alsow put der extra cover on wot is hour speshall bed cover wot wee sleep on. nice tho.

Noo yere revolution

2007-02-01T18:23:00.000+01:00

I has bin told that I has too hav a noo years' revolution and be nice to boaf der feemails.

ok ok.

Hears' a nice picksher of me n runty in a barf. Why is we in der barf. Well, as yoo no runty drincks from barfs and sincks cos shes' bonkers. she likes the down stares barf roo barf and drinks lots. i is cleverer than her and can drink strait from der tap and not from the bottom of the barf if I wont. Well, i has fancied a drink evry now and then and we woz bofe in der barf havin finisht hour drinks. we maid der barf a bit muddy but we has such nice pours dat its' nice to leave a few prints. ps. runty is as bonkers as ever - i fink its' der water on der brain wot she get from drinkin from the tap in der sinck in der barf room upstares.

i dusnt' wont to tork bout der uvver foto cos its' dat grotty littel cat gwen wot i cant' stand!!!! i is not goin intoo this maw but i is just sayin that wen she gets in my way she noes wot happens!! OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nuff sed.

and dont' say - ooh, ai'nt shee pritty ect ect

good spellin docter!!

2007-02-01T18:12:00.000+01:00

My dad arsked if I wood minde if he put this up on my blog cos of the very very special spellin in it. As yoo no, hooman vets is corled docters and they is supposed to be klever like danl and had a ed-you-kay-shun and know how to spell and stuff. and even when they is not doin the righting the peeple wot werk for them is supposed not too bee to stoopid and ignorant and can orlways have fings checked. Well, my dad sore this notis bout kwestchunairs (on der left) at his own hooman vets in Willsdon and it was still their a weak later. He says that even children in primery skool shood not make this sort of mistake.

Erm.....i has looked at this notis and if enny body can tell me wots' rong i wood bee very grateful, look's okay two me. Do'nt tell my dad i has'snt spoted the my-steak. I dont' understand why so menny werds has capital letter's, like Questionnaire, but i fink ders' sum think else.

Der uvver wun orlso cums from Willsdon but cums from the fancy pancy noo hospital place there. Sum times they wont yoo to giv blud (urgh!!) my dad sez its' der seckond paragrarf wots got der luverly inglish innit innit. he sez sorry der picksher is a bit blerd.

he sez dat notissis like diss give him lots of confidense in der nashonal elf servis that they get things rite.

Egg-Sir-Sighs New-trishon and Wrest

2007-01-21T15:21:00.000+01:00

Now, as yoo no I is currently on a daily egg-ser-size raygeem playin with corky the cork every evening, and ver ver good it is two. But egg-sir-sighs shood not bea scene on it's own. No no. Its' ver very important to consider new-trishon. New-trishon is when yoo eet new food and it is ver important too keep up yore strength wen dooing lots of egg-sir-size like wot i is.

Now der uvver ver ver important fing is dat yoo get enuff sleep. My noo egg-sir-sighs raygeem is in addishon to my uther dooties as top cat; patrolin and gardin and checkin on der house and orl wen der hoomans is out and welcomin dem home when dey comin. So hi quality sleap is also ver ver important and i have too say dat i is an eggspurt on hi quality sleep. As yoo can see from der fotos der is sum important rules or gidance dat i can giv yoo on hi quolity sleep.

A nice cumfy place. Hear i is on nice cumfy doovay wiv a few little folds in it to help rest my hed. der plaice yoo sleep in shood orlso be nice and quiet and peecefull. cos i has sensitive eye's i find dat der brite lite is not nice for dem so i put a poor over dem too keep der lite off or i snuggle round a bit too keep der lite not so much on my eyes and i sleeps wiv my hed away from der windo. i like sleepin lots but sumtimes i is woken cos my tummy sez - ooh, bit empty hear a bit of food wood be nice, so i pops to my faverit boles and has a nice bite to eat.

so remember - good sleep helps wiv good newtrishon and good egg-sir-size all toogether and den yoo two can bee a fine spesiman or specicat like wot i is.

Egg-Sir-Sighs!!

2007-01-16T09:33:00.000+01:00

Wot is diss blurry farst moovin huntin beast??? No no dont' bee frytend i'ts only me - pritty scary, huh? Again!!! In der winter and orl der tork bout keepin fit and stuff. Well, i is dooin it, sea? Its ver ver important to practis der huntin and fightin skills and orlso to keap egg-sir-sizin and dats wot i is doin. It is orlsew ver ver good trainin for my hoomans cos it makes dem keep movin quick and alert or els dey get my powerfull clores in dem!! - dey help me wiv der corck sum of der time buy moovin it about hear and their.

wot is a cork? cork is a bouncy woody wood and it was in a bottle of shampane wot is a fizzy drink wot dey woz drunked at kriss-mass - wots' rong wiv a bole of water i do'nt no. der corky corck is tide on wiv a bit of present rappin ribbon and maiks a good toy for der hoomans wot i is helpin egg-sir-sighs. sea!! we boath get egg-sir-size wiv diss!! Clever int i?

I is not sayin dat i is runnin round all der time wiv diss altho i doo leap in der air a bit. no, its' more easier just to lie down and play reely on der cumfy carpet, but it is more fun wen der is a table leg or sumfink in der whey and i has to play around dat two. der fing is tho i is so ver ver good at catchin corky der cork dat der hoomans reely need to make it more difficult four me. it is quiet fun but i suppose i preefurr catchin butterflys in der summer under my bugglier tree.

still, yoo sea, i is a seeriuss top cat and huntin fightin masheen wot gards his territtorree proper in orl whethers. fear not biggles is hear!!!! A lean mean fightin mashean!!!

(PS sorry if der fotos frytend yoo at first)

PSS Danl and Roses has got a teeny black cat corled archie, hes' a top cat of won, hah and a bit of a scaredy cat two!! dey corl him "kitten", pah. well, der joke is dat dey tyed a corky cork on too string four him and he was frightened of the cork!!!! but was okay with string. well, if that is'nt a scaredy cat paffetick wotsit i dont' no wot is!

Is this how hoomans make babys?

2007-01-10T11:34:00.000+01:00

Now, I is no egg-spurt on how yoo make babys. I no dat cat babies, noan as kittens cum from Mr Mayhew-Home RSPCA, like wot I doo and runty and gwen the miggit. but i is not shaw how hoomans doo it.

I has woched lots of animal programs with david attinburger, and dey is ver interesting. and in dem they show der animals mating - mating is the ostralian werd for yore ver close frend - on der cricket dey is orlways saying too each uther, mate, even tho it is men with men - puzzling, but den dey is havin summer now!!!! How cum? ennyway, mating babies is wot is dun in lots of diffrent waysin mr attenbergers' films, so dats why i has put up dese pickshers.

at chrissmass we had zo and allstairs, and danl and rosies staying, and they woz doin dis fing too each uvver lots, ver strainje. no babys has cum yet wot is strainj but i is weighting. if they have a litter i will let yoo know and how menny they will keep and how menny they will give away. or maybee i is rong. dunno. i dus not make babys and dus'nt need dem nor dus runty n gwen. i is two bizzy ennyway wiv all my jobs and stuff.

Wott is diss????????

2007-01-09T00:26:00.000+01:00

Wot is diss yoo may well arsk???? well, dis is corled a skratch-in post cos yoo is supposed to skratch in it innit? no ceriously, gwen doo scratch der fernitcher in der play room ver very bad - (der playroom is our bedroom but wen der childern woz yung dey played in it and it has der telly and fings and it is still corled der play room wen it shood be corled der kats's's bedroom). well, gwen scratch der fernitcher alot in their and so der parents got a skratch-in post. now, i of cause, beein a top cat wot petroles outside in der territtorree i duz moast of my skratchin outside (and only a bit inside tee hee) and runty try too skratch der flaw tiles (stoopid) and slides. but gwen go at der fernitcher like crazey and it dont' doo it know good.

so, der hoomans went and bort dis poste too go wear she skratches wersted of orl and its' ver ver good, cos orl tho she try to skratch around it a bit she mostly leaves it a loan and skraches in uvver plaices insted.

cos, yoo sea, der won fing yoo must NOT do is ackshirley skrach on dis post it is desined too stop yoo skratchin, yoo can skrach enny wear else but not der, so we orl leave it alone and skratch in uvver places. sum times dem hoomans is not so stoopid arfter orl!!

oh, der read fing at der frunt is a dangly borl wot rattles and yoo must not play wiv it but leve it aloan (not dat ennybody wonts to play wiv it ennyway).

Boxin Day

2007-01-04T10:15:00.000+01:00

Wot eggsacktly is the reason for der givin of presence, yoo arsk? and wot is boxin day? well, as top cat it is my rite to sit on orl rapping payper and clime in orl boxes. it has nuffink too doo wiv fightin real fites.

Dont' be frytend by these pickshers cos I is only playin and showin my pritty frytenin huntin instints. I do diss to impress der family and also Allstairs and Rosies wot woz orlso stayin with us.

Rappin paper is orlso v nice as it is crinkly, yoo can get inside it and it can be worm. boxis is good cos yoo can clime inside and surprise peeple and attack fings.
Yes, dats why we has boxin day. orl sew dese are pritty good pickshers of me so i fort dey shood go on der blog.

[cos it is der seeson of good chear i is sayin nuffink bout der runt gettin on my blog again!!!!!! wingin cos her mums' gon again. look, sh'es gon cos she dont' like being lower in der peckin order dan me and its' as simple as that - but i is sayin nuffink but she had better bluddy wotch it cos dis is MY bolg!}

Help! Help! Has anyone seen my mummy????!!!!!

2007-01-03T22:17:00.000+01:00

Excuse me, this is Tosca Runty-Poo Nu-Nu here. I am most terribly sorry to intrude upon this bloggy thing of Bodger's but I am most concerned that my mummy who came home has gone again!!! Have any of you seen her?

You see she came home and it was lovely to have her at home and to be my proper mummy again and I didn't get in the way on her bed, honest, I shared very very nicely and didn't interrupt her if she was busy with her computer thingy.

And then that Mr Alastair came (totally unnecessary, in my opinion) and then I had to share the room and bed with both of them, which was not as nice. But I am a tolerant cat and most understanding and I tried to help Mr Alastair when he wasn't playing with his white box thingy with the apple on the lid (which wasn't very often) and he was perfectly cordial to me and I was to him.

Biggles says she left because she was too upset that she is still below him in the pecking order. But I learnt a long time ago not to believe everything Biggles says even though he is not totally stupid. (Pause - bugger, tail!!! Bite!!! Kill!!!! Need a drink, a drink now, from a tap, now now now!!!!!!!!!! Piss must piss oh oh oh oh). Sorry about that. Now where was I?

Ah, yes. I am also very worried about my mummy. You see these photos? Well, I am not quite sure what is going on here but from the nature programmes I have watched presented by that charming Mr Attenborough, I would not be at all surprised if this is the way humans make babies!!!!!!!! Well, we will have to wait and see if my mummy has a litter of kittens or not.

If you see her, I miss her still.....well, I think I do but I can't really remember any more.

And as for pissing in the house behind the front door, I just don't have the fur for going out in winter and sometimes I just can't make it out of the hole in the Utility Room window - especially if the midget is around. Yuk yuk. [Tail.........kill.......kill........carefull!!!! quiet now........bite hard!!!! ow!!!!!!!!! bastard thing, hurt me will you!!!!!!!!! Revenge will be mine!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, sorry, what was I say????? Oh, dear, completely forgotten. Yes, yes, my mummy. If you see her tell her I miss her, I think, and that I want her home soon, I think.

Thank you.

PS Please don't tell Biggles I used the computer when he was asleep.

Krissmass Eve and TOP CAT JOBS!!!!

2006-12-28T16:25:00.000+01:00

Now as yoo is ver well a-wear I has jobs in der hous as well as gardin der gardin and territtorree. cos der hous is all-sow part of my territorree. i was speshally arsked to gard der krissmass tree just beefour krissmass cos lots of presence rapped up in shiney and krinklee paper get put under der tree and sumbody has to gard it orl. well, hoo doo yoo fink dey arsked to gard it?? no need to arnser cos its' obveeuss ME!!!!!!!! and hear i is doin my job. pritty scarey dont' yoo fink?!?!?!?!?!?!?

yoo is probbly also arksin who is Krissmass Eve??

well, i woz explainin two yoo dat krissmass is named arfter a lady corled mary like wen every body shout - "mary krissmuss!!!". now, mary had too sisters corled Eve and Carol. beefour marys' big day lots of peepel go about sayin; i luv to sing krissmuss carols' and so dey go to carols' house too sing songs beefour mar'ys big day - song's like - ding dong mary lee on high, sigh-lent nite, away wiv der mangy one, ect ect. and ver nice dey can be two. den der day beefour der givin of der presence it is eves' day and ever body is ver ver bizzy and runnin round and gettin der turkey and stuffin der turks up der arse wiv der paxo (i duzznt' understand orl of diss stuffin stuff), and get out der deeliah smiff for der cookin of der turks and diss orl happen on eve's day, wot is wy it is corled krissmuss eve. ok? nuff eggs-plan-nation?? good.

but wot matters moste in orl diss is dat i dun my ver ver important gardin job and nun presence woz taiken. wy is dey corled presence??? dis is a stoopid kwesschun from a stoopid person. cos yoo has too be present wen yoo is given it, duh!!!

nuff of diss i needs a sleap.

runty have got her mummy home

2006-12-23T17:44:00.000+01:00

oh, just to say that runty have got her mummy home at der moment and she is soooooooooo pleased. she is sleepin on her bed lots and doesnt' want her to go ennyware. sumtimes allstairs is der two but she is ok bout dat. she aint' pissin to much at der moment wot is allsew good.

Krissmuss is kummin!!!

2006-12-23T15:26:00.000+01:00

I reealise dat i has not finisht talkin bout my fassin-eightin life and jobs and stuff but i shood eggsplane dat krissmuss is kummin.

i dont' no wevver yoo has krissmuss in yore hous so i had better eggs-plain a bit.

ok

well, krissmuss is der surname of der person it is named arfter - mary krissmuss. cos wen der family meat peeple at dis time of yeer dey say too each uvver - mary kirssmuss!!! oh, mary krissmuss too yoo two!!! kissy kissy hug hug yuk stuff. and dey orl sing we wish yoo a mary krissmuss we wish yoo a mary krissmuss we wish yoo a mary krissmuss and a happy noo yere, good tidins wee brin too yoo and yore kin, we wish yoo a mary krissmuss and a happy noo yere! (nb. tidins is wen der see gose in and out cos der moon pools it - fort eyed better eggsplane, der river tems orlso has tidins ware der moon pools it and dis happens in der pool of lunden). yuss, mummy had her famly hear but my dad woz porely so i slept wiv him on der bed too look arfter him and runty slept on his chest and tummy and he slept a bit two.

Now krissmuss cums in der middle of winter. winter is wen it gets dark more quicklier and is colder and der metal fings in der hous called ray-dee-ate-ers (but dey dont' eat yoo) get hot (wot is ver clever of dem). Of cours, bein a top cat wiv eggselent fick fer does'nt mind all dis and wiv my brillant nite vizzon i can sea every fink enny way. But der hoomans dont' like it and my dad orlways says in der gloom - well, soon winter solstice will be over and der days will get longer. i do'nt no hoo dis solstiss fing is but dey moan bout how gray it is and fings. and dey need mor cloves and fings, purrfettic. ect ect.

so, dey go out and spend silly munnee on a small tree and dey bring it in der hous for a bit (bout 3 weaks) - no, dis is honest, dey reely doo bring a tree in der hous, and dey cuvver it in shiney balls and fings and put little lites on it. it doo look pritty and wen we woz yung cats we yoost to play wiv der balls and shiney fings on der tree and nock dem off and cach dem and fings. ver good it woz two. der trees is intrestin cos dey smell a bit like der stuff dey yoos to mop der flaw wen runty doo piss - pine fresh it is corled, piss fresh if yoo arsk me.

enny way dey flap arowned and say fings liek - i is not dooin orl der kards diss yere and its' larst postin for outside your-rope. den dey pop off to partys and fings and peeple cum hear orl sayin mary krissmuss.

den krissmuss day doo cum and dats gud cos my dad cooks a ver ver big chicken wot cums from turkey and he stuffs it up it's bottom and fings ferst. and he get out der delia smiff and count how long it take too cuk (i will eggs-plain cookin anuvva time - its' ver straynje) blah blah.

and ooh yess ders lots of bags and paper four me to sit on cos of the presence......but i will tell yoo maw arfter it has happend dis yere cos diss yere we got zoe and allstairs, and danl and roses or stayin. in fack dey has made a huge bed in der studdy four danl and rosies too yoos and ver ver niece it is to sleap on.

so mary krissmuss too yoo and i will tell yoo more bout it later.

Tornado!!!

2006-12-07T18:31:00.000+01:00

Coo!! der wevver dun changed dis mornin bout 11. it went orl dark, der woz wind, hail and funder and litening!! I cummed up der sters and went under der bed for safety ware I had a ver nice sleep, fank yoo. But I dun seed a bit of noose on der telly and dis woz der edge of a fing corled a tornado wot dun lots of damidge to houses not far from my territtorree!! My goodness, dey cood have ripped der roof off my home and i mite hav had to sleap sumware else. two close four cumfort.

My life storey

2006-12-06T18:49:00.000+01:00

Pretty scaree foto eh? but its' only me sittin on my dad and not a mitey lyon in der savanna; simlar tho.

Ahem. Now, i is offen arsked, tell me biggles, dey say, yoo has had a fassinatin life, tell us yore storey.

Well, i dont' remember my cat mum but i suppose i had won and she was niece. my ferst memories is of beein in der home of Mr Mayhew RSPCA on der Hallo or Harrow Road. I was pawley then and had der flue so i was put in der hostable four my flew. as i was gettin better dey put me in a cage wiv runty and gwen. we woz orl a bit pourly and runty had bin fed on porridge wot is not propper cat food so she was even mor runty dan she is now, hard tho that is to beleave.

well, i got beter and den my family cum to visit to look for kittens so that we cud choos hour humans. danl was little and zoe was ver little. danl went for gwen (yuk) cos he thort she was so pritty (dubble yuk), zo went for the runtiest runt around. der parents sore me so i walked to der frunt of der cage in my frendly way and dey picked me up and i thort they wood be ok, so i was frendly like i orlways is.

i did get beter from der flue but i has a blocked teer duck and my eye gets weepy alot and my breevin can bee quite sniffy. but uncle josh sez my lungs is fine.

Mr & mrs mayhew put a chip in your kneck but no fish so yoo dusnt want to eat it. yoo also has to go back for a little operation. de gerls woz shaved for theres, i woz a bit saw around my willy and fings and wen i licked it i didnt' like it!! but it woz ok after a day or too. dunno why we had the operayshun it do'nt make no diffrence to lief as far as i can sea.

ennyway, it woz a nice howse. der woz an old black cat corled Rex or Wrecks. He woz a bit strange. my dad sez he cums from the mayhew home two! and he come with a cat corled Edie-puss or E.D Puss who was a tabby runt like runty but with more tabby and she woz absolute top cat, like wot i is. now rex woz odd cos he woz autistic (fanks dad) so he did'nt talk or wosh or play, he woz sweet tho and i got on with him ok cos i woz frendly. i tride to play wiv him but he got orl very scarey, so i got too bee TOP CAT ver ver yung. he went away after a bit and my mum sed that he had gone to der grate cattery in der skye; i has looked ver ver hard for dis cattery in der skye but i has never scene it even dough my i-site is ver good. der woz also annuver cat corled figaro, wot woz zoes' and was a tabby wiv long hare and a ver ver long tale wot went down his back but he got hit by a car wen he woz only won.

when we woz littel we wood orl sleep togevver lots and we woz orl frendly wiv each uther. it woz later dat der runt and gwen started to hate each uvver.

well, i yoost to run around loads and loads. my dad wood take orange jooce packages for 6 liters and push 3 toogevver and he would play with a pencil and i wood run run run orl der whey along and i wood fite der pencil and try and grab it froo holes without lookin at it. ooh it woz fun and we wood play lots. my dad then found a painty brush with a long handel and a soft top to it and my dad wood play wiv me wiv diss for ours and inside boxes wiv holes. we wood play for ours and ours. he wood say dat he woz trainin my huntin skills and it woz lots of fun. of corse he woz daft. i also yoosed to serch my new teritoree for painty brushes to pouns on but der has bin nun in my territorree so i gave up arfter a bit. silly daddy - he said dese woz transferable skills but I dus'nt hav transferable skills i wont to keep dem four myself.

i woz orlways happy to play wiv my hoomans, daddy and his painty brush, and to help der children wiv der homewerk and play wiv der frends, and be in charge. of coarse, and too sit on bags and in boxes and uvver yoosful fings wot protects fings.

i fort it woz ver impotent from der start to check out my territtorree, be in charge and orl dat, make shoor dat i eets from der bole wot i chooses. ect ect.

my life is ver nice fank yoo, orltho i dont' no why we is shut in der playroom each nite but i dont' mind as long as i has a snack in der eevning. my food is ver nice cos i eet my mr hills sience and i orlso like to eet runt'ys yoocanoobah urunary oxilate blah blah food (and gwen, cheeky fing, is tryin to eet it orl up!!!)

i liek it wen i can help wiv jobs and i no i is rite wen my hoomans say fings liek; "not in der!!! no!! der paints wet!!! and my favrit; "bugger off biggles!!!" - dat meens, i luv yoo best.

wot an intrestin life i has!!!

How is my eyes?

2006-11-15T13:11:00.000+01:00

Now yoo has probly bin havin sleapless nites cos yoo has bin wundering all der time how my eysey-pyesis is since goin to Mr Uncle Josh. Well, as yoo can sea dey is much much better thank yoo. My hoomans is still putting nasty droppy stuff in my eyes in der mornin and in der nite wot i duz not like at orl!!! Interupts my sleapin or eating and its' bluddy cheek!!! But ack-shirley dey is much better and dey is not saw any maw. I is also keepin dem clean myself as yoo can sea in der uvver picksher, wot is also most important.

I get oinkment in boaff eyes but runty only gets it in won eye or I cos she is less important. But too be honest her eye do'nt look as good as mine duz cos she is a runt. Mind yoo, Mr Josh did say sumfink bout der in-feck-shun be a vile-russ as well as back-tee-ree-all (difficult werds), wot wood be tippical of runty if it woz. Her eye is not as grot as it woz so we will sea.

It is ver ver kind of yoo to have bin finkin bout me and orl I can say is carry on!!

I has all-so bin arsked weather i is still goin under der bed wen it gets dark. well, so wot if i am?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? its' a cats' rite to choose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i is not scared dare will be more bangs, no no no, i just fink its' a nice plaice to sleep in der eevning. and thats' orl, ok!!!!!!!! i is still doin my petroles and orl so..........

enny way i is fine. i will be glad wen the oinkment stops but it duzz'nt hert.