Thoughts of a Top Cat

der are soe menny wais dat hoomans maik so sens or are stoopid i just cant' count but hear are a few.

1. My dad is cuttin der grass. now dis is a big shaim cos i liek it long like a jungel as its good for hidin in wen checkin my territorree and bein kammooflarged and keepin on gard. miend yoo, der black berds like it short cos dey can eat der werms. i is ver kind to der black berds and dusnt cach dem - but i kud if i wonted too. but i has wotched gras for a long long longtiem and i can tel yoo dat all it does is gro back!!!!! so wots' der point in cuttin it? and when it grose bak he cuts it again and again. no brianer dis. and der cuttin machin is noisee!!!!! wot four!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2. gettin wet. oh deer oh dear dey say its rainin ugh ugh i dont' wont too go out in dat say der hoomans. now i dont mind rane (not liek der yoosless femails - i is not torkin bout dem toda) its quiet nice reelly and also i has my territtorree to petrole, but der hoomans dont liek it but say ah well its good for der gardin. but an dis is der big butt (wiv too Ts) an dis is a hooge hooge fammly seecret so yoo mussnt mussnt tell, ok? cos i cud get intoo big trubble - ever mornin der hoomans go in der barfroom wiv no cloves on and stand in der barf and maik it rain on dem!!!!!! honest honest its troo even if yoo do'nt beleeve me. and dey so ooh dat luvly yum yum, and doo it ever every day - i has sean dem even if day say bugger off biggles out der wey. maik no sense, eh? bet yoo do'nt have hoomans as stoopid as dat.

3. wot hoomans doin livin hear anyway? hoomans has almost no ferr. i has lots of ferr wot is perrfect for der climat. ever body say we has globule warmin and must yoos less energy - i is tryin to yoos less energee by sleepin mor, but dat bedside der point, i is fien in all der wevver but der hoomans put on lots of cloths cos dey got no ferr and wot dey do hav dey shave sum off (dont get it at all - unless mr josh dus an operation) - but den dey has central heeting. now i liek central heatin cos it maik der hous all warm wot is luvly - its a no brainer queschun so dont arsk -wot yoo prefer biggles outside in der winter rain and wind or snuggled up on a cumfee bed in the wormf or sleepin by a radiater.? but i dont' need it and hoomans do. so i say dis, hoomans shud live were dey can liv with out all dis heetin stuff, all tho dis globul wormin mite maik it even wormer wot wud ack-shirley be ver neyce. and hears an even bigger joke; sum hoomans ack-shirley hav a party wen dey put der heatin on - oh, day say, lets hav a house warmin partee!!!!! i honestly honestly fink cats is just much betta dan hoomans.

4. acksherlee, now i cum to fink bout it, hoomans and shavin maik no sens. der men shave off der wun bit of descent ferr dey got on dare face and den look miserball wen dey loos der hare on der hed just up from der faice. der wimmins has less hare but cos der men shaiv der face dey shave der legs and arm pitts so dey stil got less. yood fink deyd wont MOR ferr not less cos den dey wud need less cloves. no sens at all. also i has ecksepshonell (noo big werd four me) thik ferr wot is wunderful, its grate around my bum two so i can go toilet any tiem any wevver owt side, no problem. ah, sea, ckats is just best.

i is so tierd now i need a long sleap four my brane and too saiv energee two!