Thoughts of a Top Cat

Now, as yoo no I is currently on a daily egg-ser-size raygeem playin with corky the cork every evening, and ver ver good it is two. But egg-sir-sighs shood not bea scene on it's own. No no. Its' ver very important to consider new-trishon. New-trishon is when yoo eet new food and it is ver important too keep up yore strength wen dooing lots of egg-sir-size like wot i is.

Now der uvver ver ver important fing is dat yoo get enuff sleep. My noo egg-sir-sighs raygeem is in addishon to my uther dooties as top cat; patrolin and gardin and checkin on der house and orl wen der hoomans is out and welcomin dem home when dey comin. So hi quality sleap is also ver ver important and i have too say dat i is an eggspurt on hi quality sleep. As yoo can see from der fotos der is sum important rules or gidance dat i can giv yoo on hi quolity sleep.

A nice cumfy place. Hear i is on nice cumfy doovay wiv a few little folds in it to help rest my hed. der plaice yoo sleep in shood orlso be nice and quiet and peecefull. cos i has sensitive eye's i find dat der brite lite is not nice for dem so i put a poor over dem too keep der lite off or i snuggle round a bit too keep der lite not so much on my eyes and i sleeps wiv my hed away from der windo. i like sleepin lots but sumtimes i is woken cos my tummy sez - ooh, bit empty hear a bit of food wood be nice, so i pops to my faverit boles and has a nice bite to eat.

so remember - good sleep helps wiv good newtrishon and good egg-sir-size all toogether and den yoo two can bee a fine spesiman or specicat like wot i is.

Wot is diss blurry farst moovin huntin beast??? No no dont' bee frytend i'ts only me - pritty scary, huh? Again!!! In der winter and orl der tork bout keepin fit and stuff. Well, i is dooin it, sea? Its ver ver important to practis der huntin and fightin skills and orlso to keap egg-sir-sizin and dats wot i is doin. It is orlsew ver ver good trainin for my hoomans cos it makes dem keep movin quick and alert or els dey get my powerfull clores in dem!! - dey help me wiv der corck sum of der time buy moovin it about hear and their.

wot is a cork? cork is a bouncy woody wood and it was in a bottle of shampane wot is a fizzy drink wot dey woz drunked at kriss-mass - wots' rong wiv a bole of water i do'nt no. der corky corck is tide on wiv a bit of present rappin ribbon and maiks a good toy for der hoomans wot i is helpin egg-sir-sighs. sea!! we boath get egg-sir-size wiv diss!! Clever int i?

I is not sayin dat i is runnin round all der time wiv diss altho i doo leap in der air a bit. no, its' more easier just to lie down and play reely on der cumfy carpet, but it is more fun wen der is a table leg or sumfink in der whey and i has to play around dat two. der fing is tho i is so ver ver good at catchin corky der cork dat der hoomans reely need to make it more difficult four me. it is quiet fun but i suppose i preefurr catchin butterflys in der summer under my bugglier tree.

still, yoo sea, i is a seeriuss top cat and huntin fightin masheen wot gards his territtorree proper in orl whethers. fear not biggles is hear!!!! A lean mean fightin mashean!!!

(PS sorry if der fotos frytend yoo at first)

PSS Danl and Roses has got a teeny black cat corled archie, hes' a top cat of won, hah and a bit of a scaredy cat two!! dey corl him "kitten", pah. well, der joke is dat dey tyed a corky cork on too string four him and he was frightened of the cork!!!! but was okay with string. well, if that is'nt a scaredy cat paffetick wotsit i dont' no wot is!

Now, I is no egg-spurt on how yoo make babys. I no dat cat babies, noan as kittens cum from Mr Mayhew-Home RSPCA, like wot I doo and runty and gwen the miggit. but i is not shaw how hoomans doo it.

I has woched lots of animal programs with david attinburger, and dey is ver interesting. and in dem they show der animals mating - mating is the ostralian werd for yore ver close frend - on der cricket dey is orlways saying too each uther, mate, even tho it is men with men - puzzling, but den dey is havin summer now!!!! How cum? ennyway, mating babies is wot is dun in lots of diffrent waysin mr attenbergers' films, so dats why i has put up dese pickshers.

at chrissmass we had zo and allstairs, and danl and rosies staying, and they woz doin dis fing too each uvver lots, ver strainje. no babys has cum yet wot is strainj but i is weighting. if they have a litter i will let yoo know and how menny they will keep and how menny they will give away. or maybee i is rong. dunno. i dus not make babys and dus'nt need dem nor dus runty n gwen. i is two bizzy ennyway wiv all my jobs and stuff.

Wot is diss yoo may well arsk???? well, dis is corled a skratch-in post cos yoo is supposed to skratch in it innit? no ceriously, gwen doo scratch der fernitcher in der play room ver very bad - (der playroom is our bedroom but wen der childern woz yung dey played in it and it has der telly and fings and it is still corled der play room wen it shood be corled der kats's's bedroom). well, gwen scratch der fernitcher alot in their and so der parents got a skratch-in post. now, i of cause, beein a top cat wot petroles outside in der territtorree i duz moast of my skratchin outside (and only a bit inside tee hee) and runty try too skratch der flaw tiles (stoopid) and slides. but gwen go at der fernitcher like crazey and it dont' doo it know good.

so, der hoomans went and bort dis poste too go wear she skratches wersted of orl and its' ver ver good, cos orl tho she try to skratch around it a bit she mostly leaves it a loan and skraches in uvver plaices insted.

cos, yoo sea, der won fing yoo must NOT do is ackshirley skrach on dis post it is desined too stop yoo skratchin, yoo can skrach enny wear else but not der, so we orl leave it alone and skratch in uvver places. sum times dem hoomans is not so stoopid arfter orl!!

oh, der read fing at der frunt is a dangly borl wot rattles and yoo must not play wiv it but leve it aloan (not dat ennybody wonts to play wiv it ennyway).

Wot eggsacktly is the reason for der givin of presence, yoo arsk? and wot is boxin day? well, as top cat it is my rite to sit on orl rapping payper and clime in orl boxes. it has nuffink too doo wiv fightin real fites.

Dont' be frytend by these pickshers cos I is only playin and showin my pritty frytenin huntin instints. I do diss to impress der family and also Allstairs and Rosies wot woz orlso stayin with us.

Rappin paper is orlso v nice as it is crinkly, yoo can get inside it and it can be worm. boxis is good cos yoo can clime inside and surprise peeple and attack fings.
Yes, dats why we has boxin day. orl sew dese are pritty good pickshers of me so i fort dey shood go on der blog.

[cos it is der seeson of good chear i is sayin nuffink bout der runt gettin on my blog again!!!!!! wingin cos her mums' gon again. look, sh'es gon cos she dont' like being lower in der peckin order dan me and its' as simple as that - but i is sayin nuffink but she had better bluddy wotch it cos dis is MY bolg!}

Excuse me, this is Tosca Runty-Poo Nu-Nu here. I am most terribly sorry to intrude upon this bloggy thing of Bodger's but I am most concerned that my mummy who came home has gone again!!! Have any of you seen her?

You see she came home and it was lovely to have her at home and to be my proper mummy again and I didn't get in the way on her bed, honest, I shared very very nicely and didn't interrupt her if she was busy with her computer thingy.

And then that Mr Alastair came (totally unnecessary, in my opinion) and then I had to share the room and bed with both of them, which was not as nice. But I am a tolerant cat and most understanding and I tried to help Mr Alastair when he wasn't playing with his white box thingy with the apple on the lid (which wasn't very often) and he was perfectly cordial to me and I was to him.

Biggles says she left because she was too upset that she is still below him in the pecking order. But I learnt a long time ago not to believe everything Biggles says even though he is not totally stupid. (Pause - bugger, tail!!! Bite!!! Kill!!!! Need a drink, a drink now, from a tap, now now now!!!!!!!!!! Piss must piss oh oh oh oh). Sorry about that. Now where was I?

Ah, yes. I am also very worried about my mummy. You see these photos? Well, I am not quite sure what is going on here but from the nature programmes I have watched presented by that charming Mr Attenborough, I would not be at all surprised if this is the way humans make babies!!!!!!!! Well, we will have to wait and see if my mummy has a litter of kittens or not.

If you see her, I miss her still.....well, I think I do but I can't really remember any more.

And as for pissing in the house behind the front door, I just don't have the fur for going out in winter and sometimes I just can't make it out of the hole in the Utility Room window - especially if the midget is around. Yuk yuk. [Tail.........kill.......kill........carefull!!!! quiet now........bite hard!!!! ow!!!!!!!!! bastard thing, hurt me will you!!!!!!!!! Revenge will be mine!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, sorry, what was I say????? Oh, dear, completely forgotten. Yes, yes, my mummy. If you see her tell her I miss her, I think, and that I want her home soon, I think.

Thank you.

PS Please don't tell Biggles I used the computer when he was asleep.