Thoughts of a Top Cat

I was wotchin telly last nite and sore a progrom bout sum I-lands corled der Galloping Eye-land's wot is were Charles Darwin of der stoopid named upside downe house (sea erlier postin's) werked out his fairy of eva-lotion, and spent yeers and yeers lookin at werms and pees and fings wen he got home.

Now, dis noo pogrom was not presented by Mr Sir David Attenburger (wot is a ver nice man) but der torkin woz dun by a woman corled Tiltin Swindon - an actrice wot has appeard in strange films and is named after a ver borin town outside my one-der-full territtorree!!!! Her parents called her Tiltin cos she ca'nt stand up strait. Ack-sherlley between us, i dont' fink she noo wot she woz torkin bout but woz just reedin it. Maybe Mr Attenburger rote der werds.

Now der point is dese eye-lands is far away, even beyond der toob stay-shun at der end of der rode. dis is part of der Underground but tipical of hoomans dey call it wot it ai'nt' - just like Mr Darwin corled his house Down House when it is der right way UP, so dis Underground int' undergrouind at orl but it has train fings runnin along ware yoo can sea dem and its' quite hi up two!! So cos hoomans is stoopid day say, oh luk, we got trains runnin rite up der wot shall we call it? we shud corl it der Overground but lets' be reely cunnin and corl it der Undergrowned insted!! Yeh, clever dat, dat way, lots of peeple wont' find i't and it will full der enemy. Brillant!!! Hoomans get lower in der ever-lotion skale orl der time in my ohpinion. but yoo arsk wer is dees eye-lands den? well, i cant' tell yoo cos dey is moovin bout orl der tiem on plates, honest, not china plates or earthyware plates, o no, dey mooves about on tecktonic plaits (probly got moters underneef). well, my famil'ys got maw sense dan to bye dem stoopid moovin techtonic plates, fank yoo ver much!!!

but I digress. So, wot doo we see in dis pogrom?? Hmmm? Orl sorts of animals doin orl sorts of stooopid fings. Iggywahnahs wot cant' moove until der son makes dem nice and coasy worm. Iggywahnahs divin into der ruff see to eet plank-ton stuff. Berds flyin down to eat der iggywahnahs wen dey feemails wont to lay eggs wen dey got no ware to cook der eggs enny way. Hooge tortusses wiv hooj shells on der backs workin bout so sloaly dat dey go orlmost no ware and not drinkin for mumfs. Lodes of fish beein eaten by uvver berds wot den gets bashed on der rocks and eaten by crabs. Albahtrosses wot fly more dan too fousands miles - dats' bigger dan my territorree - to get a meel for der baby, onest, why go dat far for a bit of fish - not ver clever. Seels, ver big and a bit more cleverer givin der baby nice milk, wer der sea is gentle and der big mail gardin his territtorree from der uvver mails - only bit of sense der, der seels.

But and hear is der big BUT!! Ware woz der top of der eva-lotion tree, der big cats and all dat and uvver fery aminals?? no ware cos' dey is two damn clever too go to eye-lands like dat. how dis darwin finked he cood werk out eva-lotion from dem aminals beets me cos der top of der aminals woz not der. as a member of der most sucksessfull family of carnivors ever on der planet erff, yoo cant' just werk owt eva-lotion wen we aint' der. huh!!

Dis is wy i beleave in intelleegent desine like wot der frends of President George Basil Brush beleave in, and Tony Blurrs city academys. I is just der most perfeck bit of intelleegent desine ever - i mean, just luk at der fotos of me. I mach perfeck wiv der flaw tiles for camooflarj, i eets my food gud and proper from der boles - nun of dis silly runnin round, jumpin in der worter, beein gobbled up; lots of plaices to lye in der sun, my table on der pat-i-o, and cumfy plaices four bed, sentral heatin in winter. nuff sed.

der final kweschun is hoo is hier in der intelleegent desine me and cats or hoomans? ders reely no contest. ok, yoo got won fing i aint' got, a horizontally opposed thum, big deel. rite, i got; brillant clause wot can scrach yoo reel bad, i got brillant nite vizzon wiv my cats eyes - wot millions woz stolen too put in der rodes but dats' anuvver storrie - much more brillant hereing, brillant jumpin and leepin ability. well, ownlee too days ago i lept on a littel table wot yoost to be der bottom of der hi chair for danl and zo and woz den terned into a table and chair wot day still got - well i lept on dis and der woz loads of papers and remote controlls and 2 mugs, and i sent der papers flyin a bit, did'nt quiet nock der mugs off and changed der tv channel two bbc too so dat i cood hav a look at noose-nite.

finally, as if dat woz not enuff to sho der cat is a far mor intelleegent bit of desine; i duz not need cloves wot needs woshin orl der tiem cos yoo ai'nt got hardly no fur, i duz not nead to go into a indaw rain shower ever mornin cos i cant' lick myself, and yoo hoomans cant' even lick yore bottom!!!!! !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (huge won, tee hee).

nuff sed.