Thoughts of a Top Cat

Now I is offen arskd to give advise on fings like egg-sir-size and oh-bee-settee. And i has put hear sum pickshers of me doin egg-sir-sizes; you ca'n sea me doin neck rases - up and down and up and down - sea? and rolin over from side too side - and role over and roll back and rol over and roll back - cee? ver good for strenfin der cor mussles of der body like in pilotes. dese and uvver egg-sir-sizes wot is also ackshon packed will be available on a DVD eventshully wot will incorporate der best of pilots and yogurt and fang shooey and distant rakin healin usin a garden rake. it will be evailable in all good shops and vets.

But egg-sir-size is ver ver important and i also duz alot when sleepin by breevin and twitchin my ears and turnin my head upside down and coverin my eyes with my pours cos i is a sensitive ginjer and dus'nt' like der brite lite. and runnin out der frunt door, tee hee. and sumtimes chaisin der feemails, tee hee hee. and generally patrolin and gardinin der territtorree. so, yes, egg-sir-size is ver ver important and i takes it ver ver seriously. famly hoomans offen fink i is deaply asleep when i is not and wen dey leave der room and leave me on my own i notis and follow dem, not cos i gets loanly but cos i needs to check dat dey is okay in der territtorree, but sumtiems i is deep asleap cos sleep is ver important too der body to keep it in good shape after egg-sir-size. and i egg-sir-size wen i work to der food boles. also most yeers i egg-sir-size buy lyin under my budlear plant and catchin white butterflys but dis yer wiv der draught der bugglier has been strugglin and der has bin no butterflies to leap and catch and play wiv. bum. so i is not sleepin under it, mind yoo it has bin so hot dis yer dat i has bin sleepin in der shade of bushes and fings. any way. if yoo wont too no wy is egg-sir-size corld egg--sir=size its' coz der egg can role and yoo can loose wait and be a smorler size buy chasin it.

now we cums to der kwestchun kwestchon questchon (sorry not shure of der spelin hear) of diet and der bernin issue of oh-bee-settee. ferst oh-bee-settee must not be confewsed wiv der tellyvision pogrom of a simila name - oh-bee-city, wot is bout doctors and nerses in a hostable wot orl look like dey is dead corpses from der wey dey act and uvver peeple wot cum in covered in silly make ups, and is korled a spin off from anuvver yousless pogrom called casuistry wot is bout as beleavable as der wevver fourcast! huh! i cant' tell wiv der actin hoo is suposed to be reely dead and who is suposed to be alive so i dusnt' wotch it. oh, boo hoo hoo, dey say, he's dead brian, oh no, boo hoo, let me get yoo a cup of tee blah blah. but on-est wiv actin liek dat i ca'nt tel hoos alive and hoos ded. any way wev'e cleered dat won up.

right. ok. now we got dat kleer we can talk bout oh-bee-settee. der werd oh-bee-settee cums from peeple wot get two fat cos dey be on der settee two muc and yous der remote controlls to change der channels and switch on der vidio and fings, insted of gettin up and pushin der buttons. in fack to yoos remoat controlls yoo dont' nead an horizontally opposed thum, oh know, i can chainge channels wen ever i wont just by workin on der remote control or stop der vidio reckordin. den my hoomans yoos there favorit frase to me wot show dey luv me lots - bugger off biggles look wot yoo dun now!?!?!?!?!?!? hoo change der pogrom to itv??? ect ect

Now uncle josh wen he checked my breevin der uvver yeer - der woz nuffin rong, just a block fing from wen i woz ill at mr mayhews' home wen i woz ver ver tye-knee - said dat i was perhaps slightly over wait. but i sez, look, i has slightly short legs, a large frame and ver ver thick fer, and dis maiks me look a bit on der slightly over wait side. but in fact i is incredibly hi in polly unsaturates (who ever she is) cos i is a Mr Hill Sience diet cat and Mr Hill Siences' food keeps me in perfeck condishon. also i just luuuuuuvs my fud and i purr ver ver loud when i eat cos i luvs it. i is a good eater, i dus'nt' gobble yoo no but i gose at a good stedy paice like der marraffon ruinners do. ders no point gobblin quick its not good for yoo and yor dye-gess-chun, no der well paiced stedy eat is der way to do it. it sertainly werks four me! so, just dont' say i is over-wait cos i duz not liek it ok!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (stil luv doin dat tee hee).

wot is der point of sayin i is over wait? wot is i supposed to be waiting for? eh? i might as well get on wiv der eatin and den get on wiv der patrolin and checkin and sleapin and fings wot happen in a bizzy bizzy life. if peeple did less waitin den day wood not be so fat, dats wy its' corled over-wait, cos dey wait to long and do'nt get moovin. i fink it is important to understand der entimology of werds. i finds der evolution and yoosidge of languidge most fassinatin. ahem.

yoo may arsk why der too feemails in dis hous is so fin? well, cos der runt is a runt, rite? and she still got flabby bits under her back legs - not partickly attractiv. and der midgit gwen is a midgit, rite? bootiful and all dat rubbish blah blah. and cos dey is'nt long steddy eaters like wot i is - dey nip in eet quik and nip off. nuff sed. simple. oh yes, and gwen is norty cos she eats quite alot of tosc'as speshall ver expensive food yoocanoober food for her urinary bleedin problems la la ect ect. i eat it occaz....ocaszon.....from time to tiem (sory bout dat) but its not a's niece as mr hills sicences' fud.

wot bout der hoomans wot get oh-bee-settee and dus'nt egg-sir-size liek wot i duz. well, den day gets ill and get lots of nasty diseezis and den day offen dye yung. well, dey need to keep der polly unsaturates hi liek wot i duz and dey need to get in trainin buy gettin up off der settee and havin a terittorree liek wot i duz to petrole. i also fink dey shood eat hills sience food and den dey wood be fine liek me, save on orl dat stoopid cookin. i has scene runty and gwen eat der odd bit of hooman meet but dey cant' fool me wiv it, i no its' not propper fud.

so hoomans and pet ohners if yoo nead advise on diet, oh-bee-settee and egg-sir-size just kontact me and i will give you my advise free. fank yoo.