Sunday, March 25, 2007
why cats is better than hoomans.
Ferst of orl beefour arnsering the kwestchon why cats is better than hoomans, wot is so bleedin oblivious I duz not no why i is botherin at orl, I thort I wood show yoo that i duz doo propper gardin jobs, ok? On der left (or is that rite?) yoo can see mee in my terrytory gardin it wile highdin in der daffidills. In der uvver foto on der left (or is it rite?) yoo can sea me gardin a hole lode of hooman food shoppin wile my dad poots it away. So, dats just too show that its troo and i duz doo propper jobs not like wot sum of yoo say that I is a fibber.
why is cats betta than hoomans? well, if theirs enny won hoo cant' sea this i do'nt no wot too say. okay, hear gose.
- wee work on orl for legs so we duznt' forl over. hoomans is orlways forlin over, boo hoo go der little wuns mummy i has forlin over and hert both my niece ect ect. then der oldies forl over and help help i go too der vet corled an orthopeadick sturgeon wot scrape his nuckles as he work a long der corridoor, and he go slash slash wiv his nife and then go sore sore as he cut owt der hip joint den bash bash wive his hammer and mallit as he put in a noo plastic wun, screw wizz to screw it down, den stich up der bloody slashin he dun wiv his nife. Huh!
- we duz not nead cloves cos we has feurr orl over wot keep us worm in winter and in summer we can molte a bit off on der fernitcher and der hoomans cloves so we do'nt get two hot. hoomans has to bye der cloves in shops, ware dem, wosh dem wen dey get smelly from der hooman smelly bits, den bye noo wuns cos dey forl apart or der hoomans grow ect ect. paffetick.
- hoomans orlso nead to ware shoos or slippers and is scared to work on der pours like wot we duz orl der time. scaredees.
- cos hoomans has smelly bits dey cant' reach to lick dey make rain in der barf room evry mourning and use silly stuff to wosh der hare and boddee. sumtimes day say i run a barf - i has wotched dis and i tell yoo der hooman do'nt run and der barf stay in der same plaice cos its' not alive and orl dat happen is it get worter in it. no runnin at orl. wot doo a cat doo? he lick himself wivout enny of this and have a nice barf like dat wot cost nuffin - and i is not two fat too reach orl over my boddee, ok!!!!.
- hoomans has a speshall room for peein and pooin and have smelly bits cos of this - i no cos i offen sit in wiv my dad. wot do we do? wee go out nicely and find a nice bit of guardin and sit faysin der fence privet like and do der poo or pea havin dug a nice whole den fill it in. no messin wiv der envirment, no flushin galleons of worter.
- we can lick our bottoms hoomans ca'nt reach there's. nuff sed.
- we has nite vizhon and can sea in der dark hoomans cant'. hoomans sez cats cant sea cullers - wots cullers ennyway and how dey no dat?
- we can here orl sorts of stuff wot hoomans cant' wiv hour brillant herein.
- hour sens of smell is just so brillant and hoomans is rubbish. if dey snifft each uvvers bottoms like wot cats duz dey wood no lots maw about ware dey bin wivout fibbin.
- hoomans has too go shoppin orl der time and cook fud and stuff ware as cat food just cums in a big bag and yoo just go tinkle tinkle in der bole.
- we can sleep in lots of plaices in der house or in der gardin when it is sunny but hoomans is moanin dat dey can only sleap in a cumfy bed.
- cats orl speek wun languidg but loads of hoomans carnt understand wot der uvver wun sez.
- i cood go owt and cach my fud enny time but i just duzznt' knead too, hoomans carnt.
- hoomans say dey got horizontally opposed fumms, oh, so big deel!! we has reetracktable clause wot we can yoos to hold hour pray or scrach der fernicher wiv - gwenny doo it orl der time on der sofars in der playroom. and hour clause go in and out.
- we ownly knead wun dore four goin in and owt der house, der cat flap, hoomans need lodes.
- we can run up trees and stay their or cach berdies (well, ackshirley, i is not ver good at climin up trees but do'nt tell ennyboddee).
- me and der uvver cats can clime up and sun bave on too sheds in der gardin but hoomans carnt.
- i can scrach behind my ear wiv my back leg, hoomans carnt get enny ware near.
- we cats is der most suck sess fool family of hunters ever on der plan it erff.
- we is in envirmental harmonee and hoomans has created der effluent society, po-loo-shon and globule wormin.
Nuff sed. I is exorstid now and need to go too sleap.
Dennis did a naughty thing today - he went to Paddy's mum's house to see his twin sister Pixie and because she shut the cat flap he did lots of poo in the bath! It made everything smell!
My staff has gone siko-pathic. She has an interview to be a head in place called Chef-field on Wednesday. She can't cook so I don't know why she wants to be a head chef? She is very stressed which is making my head hurt. NHS Direct on the sky calls this a 'migraine'. I don't know what this is but it doesn't sound nice.
Staff fed us nasty food today. So I climbed onto the beanbag and sicked all over the floor. Then I felt better so I ate more of the food. Have you heard of Felix? That is what I ate, tuna and salmon flavour. I don't like it. I miss my Hills Science Plan but we have to eat food what looks like poo and sick mixed together or Molly bleeds from her wee hole. Not fair. I was here first. Staff is happy with the vet people who stick thermometers up our bottoms. tHEY paid her £160 for Molly's bad wee hole. That's a lot of money I think although I am not very experienced with money yet because my credit card to buy things on the sky and on eeebay has not arrived yet. Me and Denny are priceless - it says so on our insurance. Molly costed £65 but I think that is because she was an RSPCA cat and was found in a bag in a drain and needed lots of medicine to make her not broken any more. Thinking of that, Molly can have lots of nasty poo-sick food if it makes her feel better.
Have looked at that picture of Staff again-she looks well rough on it. She looks a bit better now her hair doesn't have a dark line at the top of it-it is dark all over now. She says she is going to wear a red suit to try and be a head. Paddy's mum says thats what people at LunnPoly wear-do you know where that is?
Anyway, I am very tired now after being sick so I am going to eat some more and then go to sleep. Clocks going forward confuses me.
Bye for now, your friend Oscar
Did your dad buy anything nice for you from the supermarket? When Lola was ill with her smelly bottom, mummy bought lots of lovely cat food and canned fish for us to disguise the tablets. We are now back to the science plan stuff more’s the pity!
I have decided recently to have a confessions session on my blog and rate my top five most naughty things. Are you ever naughty? Do you get told off like I used to when I was little? And where have you been all this time, your last double folded over duvet hello my friends entry was up for ages! Did your dad confiscate the computer? Maybe it was because you had been naughty!
Your friend Paddy Gay Ebeneezer.
P.S. villages are really nice, you don’t know what you’re missing!