Thoughts of a Top Cat

My dad bin telling me that Relly-Johns duz not wont yoo too eat nice food at the moment!!

First, the choose (or is it chews?) has just had a thing corled Your Kipper ware yoo is supposed not too eat or drink nuffink for a hole day and nite!!! And the muslins has a thing corled Rammy-Dan wear they say yoo can eat at nite but mustn't in the day time for a hole munth. Hoomans corl this thing a farst but it look bluddy sloe to mee!! Well, of corse I farst evry day when I is on petrole or having a barth or when I is asleap, and at nite we is in the playroom and has too farst cos hour boles are in the kichin, but it is'nt a rool or ennything, and of corse I woz very miserble when my dad changed the food too narsty hills sigh-ense seen-eeor citizen cat food, and that woz neerly a farst but me n gwen eight runtys' food insted, but its' not a rool or ennythink, just my dad beeing stoopid as yoojooal.

So, wot this farsting rule orl about, how cum these relly-johns think its a good idea not too eat??? as a cat wot thinks lots and lots about his food it seams two mee pritty pointless and stoopid, i mean it carnt be helthy or ennything not too eat. bonkers if you arsk me. kristy-anns can also doo farsty things but not sow much, and they have a thingy corled lent ware they give up on the things they have lent too peeple and do'nt arsk for them back for lots of weaks - not so clever eyether cos the peeple mite loose the things wot they has borrode.

my dad says the choose have now mooved on to something corled arfter a lady corled Sue Cot. In this yoo is supposed to bild a littel hous out of speshal leaves and twigs and things and put yore cot or bed in it and sleep in it for a hole weak. I sed to my dad that sumtimes i sit under the table wot me n runty sunday baythe on when its' reigning hard, and wood this count. he sed no cos the roof got to be open to the sky. i sed, i sleeps outside when its' nice and sunny and worm and did this count. he sed know aggen cos it not nite time and yoo is supposed to be uncumfy and miserble and yoo got too eet in it to. he sed it had too bee at nite and i sed i liked my cumfy sofa thank yoo ver much or my chare for nite and it wood be darft too sleap outside and orl that now.

it seams to mee that wot these relly-johns is dooing is maiking yoo feel totally miserable so that when yoo stop yoo then feel happy and greatful and say thank yoo nice relly-john life is much better aggen. well, let me tell yoo i can feel perfeckly happy and greatfull without stopping eating and drinking for a long time and sleaping outside when its' getting coald at nite, or lending corky the cork to runty (not gwen!!!) for weaks and not getting it back, thank yoo ver much!!! this relly-john thingy is yet annuther of them totally darft thingies wot hoomans doo wot we cats has bin far two sensible to bother with.

PS and shhhhh this is a seecrit. I has bin in anuther fite and got a bit of a cut abuv the uther eye the rite......or is the left? ennyweigh, my dad is just a bit kross bout it and is worning me that I mite have too go too mr uncle josh the vet wot i do'nt wont too doo but i has to protect my territtorreeee!!!!