Thoughts of a Top Cat

Well, wot a serprise i had yesterday (that is the werd for the day wot has just gon, stoopid werd do'nt reely maik sens) - yoo do'nt say, yesternite, doo yoo?? no yoo say, larst nite. enny weigh. my serprise. i woz resting in the son in the guardin maiking shure everythink woz ok as eevening was starting when oskers' starff dun cum to meet me (she had too meet my dad as well, and then danl and roses but never minde). ackshirley, i think osker is maybee a bit hard on her as beeing a yoosless starff sum of the time, she seemed kwite nice reely but shood not have picked me up strait aweigh like that, altho beeing a polite cat i purred cos my dad woz their, and i has bin told i has to be polite to visiters (do'nt sea wye). and she doo say lots and lots of nice things bout how bootiful i is and wot a big boy ect ect ect, and a top cat ect ect, but nuffink i did not no orlreddy. but yoo has too bee nice when sumwon cum speshall to meat yoo and orl that.

but my dad reely doo not no how too treat gests sumtimes. we moove down to the pateeoh (runty doo flit about hear and their, and gwen doo a runner wen she sea a strainjer, as yoojooall, huh), my dad get out cushons for only too chares and then look at me when i sit on won, and the other he give to the starff lady. so my dad then have too get up too get annuther won for hisself, cos he car'nt ackshirley count to three liek wot i can (1 is me, 2 is me n runty, 3 is me n runty n yucky gwen - sea!!! good innit??). then they chat blah blah, she werk in an yoo-knee-ver-city like wot my mum doo (they is corled epidemics). they get up for a minit so i think i will swop to her chare and she can have mine - my dad say this is rood and orl. (i did this on sonday, my dad got up for a minit and i thort his chare woz nicer). but my dad doo not say too mee, pleeze, my luverlly top cat, that is my chare so leeve it as i will be back ver soon, no he just get up, so its' then mine if i wont it.

fourtune-eightly, the starff no her plaice and she simply moove round to my chare without no bother. wee duz disguss oskers' habbits of visiting uther houses and getting into vans and things but i say i can only advise him throo the blog that he kneads to be cairfull bout his territtorree and he shood not get into vans and cars and visit the chip shop and things or he mite get lost or sumthink, and hoo gards the territtorree wen he not their? dennace? fat charnse.

well, it woz ver nice to meat the starff and she dun shode me the respeckt wot I diserve and orl that, altho when she tride too stroke me when i woz bizzy woshing she neerly got a scrach cos she doo not no when i is bizzy and not too bee disterbinned........hmmm, maybee a cat as important as mee shood get a starff two????

my advise too osker and the uther too is to, maybee hang on too this starff for a bit longer beefour swopping her four an east-stone-ian or a polish or duster or wot ever. but she still need trayning and she may forl over aggen at enny time and brake things even when she hav not drunk lots of wine as she a farely yoosless byped - well, arnt they orl???

ps. lucky the starff did not cum a day erlier cos gwen woz just about to pop in throo the cat flap with a ver nice littel berdy in her mouth when my dad sore her and she popped into a boosh with it, cos she has this thing corled a fo-bee-a bout berds, wot i think means that she is not ver keen to have them in the house, like with the pijjon the uther weak.

ps. wot duz ps mean??? my dad sez it is la-tin (or sum kind of tin) and i wo'nt understand. he muttering bout sumthink corled passed participals and inglish yoosing them from la-tin, wot ever wot ever wot ever, blah blah blah. herrummff!!!!!!!!!!! i has more important things too doo than lissen too this rubbish, i has a petrole too doo than perhaps be on gard duty in the sun shine.