Thoughts of a Top Cat

Now as yoo is ver well a-wear I has jobs in der hous as well as gardin der gardin and territtorree. cos der hous is all-sow part of my territorree. i was speshally arsked to gard der krissmass tree just beefour krissmass cos lots of presence rapped up in shiney and krinklee paper get put under der tree and sumbody has to gard it orl. well, hoo doo yoo fink dey arsked to gard it?? no need to arnser cos its' obveeuss ME!!!!!!!! and hear i is doin my job. pritty scarey dont' yoo fink?!?!?!?!?!?!?

yoo is probbly also arksin who is Krissmass Eve??

well, i woz explainin two yoo dat krissmass is named arfter a lady corled mary like wen every body shout - "mary krissmuss!!!". now, mary had too sisters corled Eve and Carol. beefour marys' big day lots of peepel go about sayin; i luv to sing krissmuss carols' and so dey go to carols' house too sing songs beefour mar'ys big day - song's like - ding dong mary lee on high, sigh-lent nite, away wiv der mangy one, ect ect. and ver nice dey can be two. den der day beefour der givin of der presence it is eves' day and ever body is ver ver bizzy and runnin round and gettin der turkey and stuffin der turks up der arse wiv der paxo (i duzznt' understand orl of diss stuffin stuff), and get out der deeliah smiff for der cookin of der turks and diss orl happen on eve's day, wot is wy it is corled krissmuss eve. ok? nuff eggs-plan-nation?? good.

but wot matters moste in orl diss is dat i dun my ver ver important gardin job and nun presence woz taiken. wy is dey corled presence??? dis is a stoopid kwesschun from a stoopid person. cos yoo has too be present wen yoo is given it, duh!!!

nuff of diss i needs a sleap.

oh, just to say that runty have got her mummy home at der moment and she is soooooooooo pleased. she is sleepin on her bed lots and doesnt' want her to go ennyware. sumtimes allstairs is der two but she is ok bout dat. she aint' pissin to much at der moment wot is allsew good.

I reealise dat i has not finisht talkin bout my fassin-eightin life and jobs and stuff but i shood eggsplane dat krissmuss is kummin.

i dont' no wevver yoo has krissmuss in yore hous so i had better eggs-plain a bit.

ok

well, krissmuss is der surname of der person it is named arfter - mary krissmuss. cos wen der family meat peeple at dis time of yeer dey say too each uvver - mary kirssmuss!!! oh, mary krissmuss too yoo two!!! kissy kissy hug hug yuk stuff. and dey orl sing we wish yoo a mary krissmuss we wish yoo a mary krissmuss we wish yoo a mary krissmuss and a happy noo yere, good tidins wee brin too yoo and yore kin, we wish yoo a mary krissmuss and a happy noo yere! (nb. tidins is wen der see gose in and out cos der moon pools it - fort eyed better eggsplane, der river tems orlso has tidins ware der moon pools it and dis happens in der pool of lunden). yuss, mummy had her famly hear but my dad woz porely so i slept wiv him on der bed too look arfter him and runty slept on his chest and tummy and he slept a bit two.

Now krissmuss cums in der middle of winter. winter is wen it gets dark more quicklier and is colder and der metal fings in der hous called ray-dee-ate-ers (but dey dont' eat yoo) get hot (wot is ver clever of dem). Of cours, bein a top cat wiv eggselent fick fer does'nt mind all dis and wiv my brillant nite vizzon i can sea every fink enny way. But der hoomans dont' like it and my dad orlways says in der gloom - well, soon winter solstice will be over and der days will get longer. i do'nt no hoo dis solstiss fing is but dey moan bout how gray it is and fings. and dey need mor cloves and fings, purrfettic. ect ect.

so, dey go out and spend silly munnee on a small tree and dey bring it in der hous for a bit (bout 3 weaks) - no, dis is honest, dey reely doo bring a tree in der hous, and dey cuvver it in shiney balls and fings and put little lites on it. it doo look pritty and wen we woz yung cats we yoost to play wiv der balls and shiney fings on der tree and nock dem off and cach dem and fings. ver good it woz two. der trees is intrestin cos dey smell a bit like der stuff dey yoos to mop der flaw wen runty doo piss - pine fresh it is corled, piss fresh if yoo arsk me.

enny way dey flap arowned and say fings liek - i is not dooin orl der kards diss yere and its' larst postin for outside your-rope. den dey pop off to partys and fings and peeple cum hear orl sayin mary krissmuss.

den krissmuss day doo cum and dats gud cos my dad cooks a ver ver big chicken wot cums from turkey and he stuffs it up it's bottom and fings ferst. and he get out der delia smiff and count how long it take too cuk (i will eggs-plain cookin anuvva time - its' ver straynje) blah blah.

and ooh yess ders lots of bags and paper four me to sit on cos of the presence......but i will tell yoo maw arfter it has happend dis yere cos diss yere we got zoe and allstairs, and danl and roses or stayin. in fack dey has made a huge bed in der studdy four danl and rosies too yoos and ver ver niece it is to sleap on.

so mary krissmuss too yoo and i will tell yoo more bout it later.

Coo!! der wevver dun changed dis mornin bout 11. it went orl dark, der woz wind, hail and funder and litening!! I cummed up der sters and went under der bed for safety ware I had a ver nice sleep, fank yoo. But I dun seed a bit of noose on der telly and dis woz der edge of a fing corled a tornado wot dun lots of damidge to houses not far from my territtorree!! My goodness, dey cood have ripped der roof off my home and i mite hav had to sleap sumware else. two close four cumfort.

Pretty scaree foto eh? but its' only me sittin on my dad and not a mitey lyon in der savanna; simlar tho.

Ahem. Now, i is offen arsked, tell me biggles, dey say, yoo has had a fassinatin life, tell us yore storey.

Well, i dont' remember my cat mum but i suppose i had won and she was niece. my ferst memories is of beein in der home of Mr Mayhew RSPCA on der Hallo or Harrow Road. I was pawley then and had der flue so i was put in der hostable four my flew. as i was gettin better dey put me in a cage wiv runty and gwen. we woz orl a bit pourly and runty had bin fed on porridge wot is not propper cat food so she was even mor runty dan she is now, hard tho that is to beleave.

well, i got beter and den my family cum to visit to look for kittens so that we cud choos hour humans. danl was little and zoe was ver little. danl went for gwen (yuk) cos he thort she was so pritty (dubble yuk), zo went for the runtiest runt around. der parents sore me so i walked to der frunt of der cage in my frendly way and dey picked me up and i thort they wood be ok, so i was frendly like i orlways is.

i did get beter from der flue but i has a blocked teer duck and my eye gets weepy alot and my breevin can bee quite sniffy. but uncle josh sez my lungs is fine.

Mr & mrs mayhew put a chip in your kneck but no fish so yoo dusnt want to eat it. yoo also has to go back for a little operation. de gerls woz shaved for theres, i woz a bit saw around my willy and fings and wen i licked it i didnt' like it!! but it woz ok after a day or too. dunno why we had the operayshun it do'nt make no diffrence to lief as far as i can sea.

ennyway, it woz a nice howse. der woz an old black cat corled Rex or Wrecks. He woz a bit strange. my dad sez he cums from the mayhew home two! and he come with a cat corled Edie-puss or E.D Puss who was a tabby runt like runty but with more tabby and she woz absolute top cat, like wot i is. now rex woz odd cos he woz autistic (fanks dad) so he did'nt talk or wosh or play, he woz sweet tho and i got on with him ok cos i woz frendly. i tride to play wiv him but he got orl very scarey, so i got too bee TOP CAT ver ver yung. he went away after a bit and my mum sed that he had gone to der grate cattery in der skye; i has looked ver ver hard for dis cattery in der skye but i has never scene it even dough my i-site is ver good. der woz also annuver cat corled figaro, wot woz zoes' and was a tabby wiv long hare and a ver ver long tale wot went down his back but he got hit by a car wen he woz only won.

when we woz littel we wood orl sleep togevver lots and we woz orl frendly wiv each uther. it woz later dat der runt and gwen started to hate each uvver.

well, i yoost to run around loads and loads. my dad wood take orange jooce packages for 6 liters and push 3 toogevver and he would play with a pencil and i wood run run run orl der whey along and i wood fite der pencil and try and grab it froo holes without lookin at it. ooh it woz fun and we wood play lots. my dad then found a painty brush with a long handel and a soft top to it and my dad wood play wiv me wiv diss for ours and inside boxes wiv holes. we wood play for ours and ours. he wood say dat he woz trainin my huntin skills and it woz lots of fun. of corse he woz daft. i also yoosed to serch my new teritoree for painty brushes to pouns on but der has bin nun in my territorree so i gave up arfter a bit. silly daddy - he said dese woz transferable skills but I dus'nt hav transferable skills i wont to keep dem four myself.

i woz orlways happy to play wiv my hoomans, daddy and his painty brush, and to help der children wiv der homewerk and play wiv der frends, and be in charge. of coarse, and too sit on bags and in boxes and uvver yoosful fings wot protects fings.

i fort it woz ver impotent from der start to check out my territtorree, be in charge and orl dat, make shoor dat i eets from der bole wot i chooses. ect ect.

my life is ver nice fank yoo, orltho i dont' no why we is shut in der playroom each nite but i dont' mind as long as i has a snack in der eevning. my food is ver nice cos i eet my mr hills sience and i orlso like to eet runt'ys yoocanoobah urunary oxilate blah blah food (and gwen, cheeky fing, is tryin to eet it orl up!!!)

i liek it wen i can help wiv jobs and i no i is rite wen my hoomans say fings liek; "not in der!!! no!! der paints wet!!! and my favrit; "bugger off biggles!!!" - dat meens, i luv yoo best.

wot an intrestin life i has!!!