Thoughts of a Top Cat

I has to tell yoo diss cos its' sooooooooooooooo funny. and it shoe how stoopid hoomans is. I has too larffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last weak end my mum woz sayin to my dad, do'nt fourget der clocks go fourward two nite. I no sez my dad and I will doo it in der mourning.

Ok, ok. I checks in der mourning and evry day orl der clocks and not won single clock as mooved an inch or a milly meter or nuffink fourward or backward. Ha ha. And der biggest joke is dat der payrents fink dat all der clocks has moved fourward.

HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stoopid. no wot i mean? wear wood they bee without me to check on fings, I dunno.

My frend osker woz rightin bout wot he duz not like and I thort it wood be a good idea if i rote wot i duz not like.

1. Loud bangs. I hates dese and they is particular bad not just at Guide Forks but now also at Deer Wally and Eat or Eden fing. They is terrible and loud and flashy things two!! Wot four? we orl hate this.

2. I duz not like being picked up wen I is out der frunt petrolling my territtorree and beeing told I is not clever enuff or farst enuff to go out frunt. It is ver hoomiliating to be picked up and taken in like that in public, speshly if yoove gon out to gard der shoppin from der supermarket.

2. I duz not liek being shut out of rooms ware I wont to sit or sleep. Dis was ver bad wen runty was ver miserble and peaing orl over the place and makin der nice frunt room pong sumthing orfull cos it woz my faverit room at der time. Now she is ok we can yoos it agen but not orl der time and yoo hav to wotch gwen sneeking inn.

2. sum times in the eevnin i feel like sleepin on won of my beds up stares and then I get carried down stares!!! Now this is not rite at orl, they is my beds and I shood be left to sleap ware I wonts. I get ver cross at this and yoos ver bad langwage.

2. (Sea, I can count!!). Sum times I follow my mum and dad and go flollop on my side cos I needs a stroke or 2 or lots and they do'nt give me orl the stroaks wot I nead!!

2. I duz not liek it wen my payrents go out for two long and I is left in charge. They think I stumble down der stares wen they get back cos I has bean sleaping but in fact I get ver ver tired and just nead to shut my I's for a few seconds, not even a cat nap.

2. Sum times they go away on a holliday and leave me in charge for a ver ver long time. This is not fare. Grotty nigel yoost to feed us and he woz a bit horrid and did'nt like us much and didnt' mop up runtys' peas. Now Mimi cums and she is ver ver nice but she do'nt stay long eenuff. Of corse I duznt' get lonely, oh no, top cats duzznt' but its' ver hard beein in charge of der house and der guardin and orl.

2. When der payrents go away on a holiday fing (and I duz'nt no why they duz it) they shut lots of daws and we ca'nt go in the kitch-in or our bedrooms. This is cos of wen runty was pissin bad and she wood fill der hob wiv her pea and pea on der wooden bred bins wot is not nice at orl. I never ever ever do ennyfing like this but still I is shut out two!! Its' not fare!!!!

2. I duz not liek gwen. thats it no maw too say on der subjict. yuk yuk. bleedin dworf!! and less of der oh ai'nt she bootifull etc ect. If fackt why we have feemails at orl? they is pritty pointless reely.

2. i duz not like tom cats. these is like me but they make an orfull pong wen they s-pray and they argue over wot is my territtorree!!!! but they just seem to have sumthing i do'nt but i is not shure wot it is. four-tune-ate-ly this has not happend in a long time.

2. i duz not like the food at the bottom of the hills science bag cos it gets grotty and i do'nt like it. if i wont to eat food cuvvered in dust then i wood!! ok?

2. i duz not like it wen my bole (well they is orl my boles reely) get neerly empty.

2. i duz not like gowin in the car to sea mr josh eeven tho he is nice with it.

2. in der spring wen der daffidills is out like now der grarss begins to groe. dis is good cos then i can play huntin games in it and hide better wen on petrole and then my dad gose and cuts it orl. wot four? he oanlee moans cos hese the oanly wun wot cuts it, so why bother and let me keep my cuvver in the guardin when on petrole.

2. i think that is orl. i am shure their is maw but i ca'nt think of them now and I needs to sleap.

Ferst of orl beefour arnsering the kwestchon why cats is better than hoomans, wot is so bleedin oblivious I duz not no why i is botherin at orl, I thort I wood show yoo that i duz doo propper gardin jobs, ok? On der left (or is that rite?) yoo can see mee in my terrytory gardin it wile highdin in der daffidills. In der uvver foto on der left (or is it rite?) yoo can sea me gardin a hole lode of hooman food shoppin wile my dad poots it away. So, dats just too show that its troo and i duz doo propper jobs not like wot sum of yoo say that I is a fibber.

why is cats betta than hoomans? well, if theirs enny won hoo cant' sea this i do'nt no wot too say. okay, hear gose.

1. wee work on orl for legs so we duznt' forl over. hoomans is orlways forlin over, boo hoo go der little wuns mummy i has forlin over and hert both my niece ect ect. then der oldies forl over and help help i go too der vet corled an orthopeadick sturgeon wot scrape his nuckles as he work a long der corridoor, and he go slash slash wiv his nife and then go sore sore as he cut owt der hip joint den bash bash wive his hammer and mallit as he put in a noo plastic wun, screw wizz to screw it down, den stich up der bloody slashin he dun wiv his nife. Huh!
   
2. we duz not nead cloves cos we has feurr orl over wot keep us worm in winter and in summer we can molte a bit off on der fernitcher and der hoomans cloves so we do'nt get two hot. hoomans has to bye der cloves in shops, ware dem, wosh dem wen dey get smelly from der hooman smelly bits, den bye noo wuns cos dey forl apart or der hoomans grow ect ect. paffetick.
3. hoomans orlso nead to ware shoos or slippers and is scared to work on der pours like wot we duz orl der time. scaredees.
   
4. cos hoomans has smelly bits dey cant' reach to lick dey make rain in der barf room evry mourning and use silly stuff to wosh der hare and boddee. sumtimes day say i run a barf - i has wotched dis and i tell yoo der hooman do'nt run and der barf stay in der same plaice cos its' not alive and orl dat happen is it get worter in it. no runnin at orl. wot doo a cat doo? he lick himself wivout enny of this and have a nice barf like dat wot cost nuffin - and i is not two fat too reach orl over my boddee, ok!!!!.
5. hoomans has a speshall room for peein and pooin and have smelly bits cos of this - i no cos i offen sit in wiv my dad. wot do we do? wee go out nicely and find a nice bit of guardin and sit faysin der fence privet like and do der poo or pea havin dug a nice whole den fill it in. no messin wiv der envirment, no flushin galleons of worter.
6. we can lick our bottoms hoomans ca'nt reach there's. nuff sed.
7. we has nite vizhon and can sea in der dark hoomans cant'. hoomans sez cats cant sea cullers - wots cullers ennyway and how dey no dat?
8. we can here orl sorts of stuff wot hoomans cant' wiv hour brillant herein.
9. hour sens of smell is just so brillant and hoomans is rubbish. if dey snifft each uvvers bottoms like wot cats duz dey wood no lots maw about ware dey bin wivout fibbin.
10. hoomans has too go shoppin orl der time and cook fud and stuff ware as cat food just cums in a big bag and yoo just go tinkle tinkle in der bole.
11. we can sleep in lots of plaices in der house or in der gardin when it is sunny but hoomans is moanin dat dey can only sleap in a cumfy bed.
12. cats orl speek wun languidg but loads of hoomans carnt understand wot der uvver wun sez.
13. i cood go owt and cach my fud enny time but i just duzznt' knead too, hoomans carnt.
14. hoomans say dey got horizontally opposed fumms, oh, so big deel!! we has reetracktable clause wot we can yoos to hold hour pray or scrach der fernicher wiv - gwenny doo it orl der time on der sofars in der playroom. and hour clause go in and out.
15. we ownly knead wun dore four goin in and owt der house, der cat flap, hoomans need lodes.
16. we can run up trees and stay their or cach berdies (well, ackshirley, i is not ver good at climin up trees but do'nt tell ennyboddee).
17. me and der uvver cats can clime up and sun bave on too sheds in der gardin but hoomans carnt.
18. i can scrach behind my ear wiv my back leg, hoomans carnt get enny ware near.
19. we cats is der most suck sess fool family of hunters ever on der plan it erff.
20. we is in envirmental harmonee and hoomans has created der effluent society, po-loo-shon and globule wormin.
    
    
    
    Nuff sed. I is exorstid now and need to go too sleap.
    

ps. i is not shure wot orl dem numbers mean but i woz ayble to press dis button to make dem on my bloggy fing. I can count tho - me = 1, me n runty = 2, pluss gwenny = 2, pluss bad ginger down der rode = 2 ect ect. eesy reely innit?

Dubble foalded over doovay!!! ooh its' luverly. I no that runty do normally grab der foalded over doovay but i got hear ferst der uther day, yippee!!! I can tell yoo that runty wer'nt very pleesed wen she sore me on their she sat at the side of the bed and bit her tale for a bit. the piccy up der top shose her fiting her tail. she mad. dubble foaldid oaver doovay is speshally nice cos its' foalded over too times, so i'ts too times as worm, and to times as cumfy and two times as soft. we has to get into hour bedroom farst cos my mum likes to shut the daw until the bed is maid, meeny so beeing a very quick and clever cat i spotted der woz oapen and got in and settled down bluddy quik. thats' wen runty did cum in and got orl cross. but wunce i woz sleaping she sneaked on and i let her stay cos we sleap well toogether.

and bileeve me i is neadin my sleap wot wiv orl der ackshon play i get wiv corky der cork, keepin my huntin skills up too scrach.

AND HALLO TOO ORL MY FRENDS WOT HAS BIN SENDIN ME MESSAGES!!!!!

theres' oscar wot had a telly vizhon pogrom naimed after him - (huh, well i has lodes of books naimed after me wot in dem i is a braive fiter pilot protectin my territtorree!!! but i isnt jellus cos eye is not like that). and to paddy gay in der villij (wots' a village?) and montee. and orl der uvver frendly cats wot liv outside my territtorree in der norff of ingland and canada water on der dlr. ect ect.

ackshirley i is a bit wurrid about oscar cos he is not goin out to der toy-let orl der time and he has a staff (thats' a long stick of would, my dad sez) wot gets cross. oscar i orlways go out. intrestin der feemails is yoosin der tray not for shit but just four wee wees sumtimes but they boath goin out two. they like der tray.

osca woz arskin me bout fings wot i dont' like so i is goin too doo a list ver soon.

buy by frends four now. yore frend and ver brave top cat.

oh and my mum is ver happy cos she got given an Emm Ay wiv Merit but she hasnt' shoan it too mee yet.