Wednesday, November 15, 2006


How is my eyes?

Now yoo has probly bin havin sleapless nites cos yoo has bin wundering all der time how my eysey-pyesis is since goin to Mr Uncle Josh. Well, as yoo can sea dey is much much better thank yoo. My hoomans is still putting nasty droppy stuff in my eyes in der mornin and in der nite wot i duz not like at orl!!! Interupts my sleapin or eating and its' bluddy cheek!!! But ack-shirley dey is much better and dey is not saw any maw. I is also keepin dem clean myself as yoo can sea in der uvver picksher, wot is also most important.

I get oinkment in boaff eyes but runty only gets it in won eye or I cos she is less important. But too be honest her eye do'nt look as good as mine duz cos she is a runt. Mind yoo, Mr Josh did say sumfink bout der in-feck-shun be a vile-russ as well as back-tee-ree-all (difficult werds), wot wood be tippical of runty if it woz. Her eye is not as grot as it woz so we will sea.

It is ver ver kind of yoo to have bin finkin bout me and orl I can say is carry on!!

I has all-so bin arsked weather i is still goin under der bed wen it gets dark. well, so wot if i am?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? its' a cats' rite to choose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i is not scared dare will be more bangs, no no no, i just fink its' a nice plaice to sleep in der eevning. and thats' orl, ok!!!!!!!! i is still doin my petroles and orl so..........

enny way i is fine. i will be glad wen the oinkment stops but it duzz'nt hert.

Friday, November 10, 2006


we too woz taiken two der vets!!

We woz taken to der vets to Mr Uncle Josh. He is a ver nice man wot i duz not sea ver offen but runty is corled a frequent flyer der and gets cut price. well, we boath has eye infecshuns. i has dem cos wen i woz ver ver tiny and still lived with Mr Mayhew-Home RSPCA i had cat flue wot did block up a tear duck for ever wot makes me a bit sniffly orl der time and my eyes get saw sumtimes. well, dey is bofe a bit saw (its' corled saw cos yoo sea wiv yore eyes or ise, so yoo can say i sore dat, oops i is muddled). enny way he is nice and i is orlways polite and purr (best way wiv a vetrinerirerary) wot mr josh sez maikes lissening too my chest and hart difficult but he says i is fine. he says i is over wait!!! well, i woz waitin over in der waitin room ver polite so wy he have to rite dis on his puter i do'nt no. but he sez i is not puttin on wait since he last wayed me; damn, and i is tryin reely hard wiv my eatin two. enny way, he say my eyes is fluee and is vile or viral and back-tearial so i has ointment. it woz a bit of serprise wen he put der stuff in boffe eyes and den dad dun it aggenn dis mournin wivout askin. well, i woz a bit shocked wen i got home and ran strait to my bole wot woz still der wiv food in it and i had a jolly good eat.

runty of cause gose to josh alot and corles him uncle josh (i is polite and corl him Mr Josh cos I dont' no him as well). Well, she has a bad write eye - pah only won bad eye - eye's got too!!! but hers is werser. oh she got ver kross wiv dad wen he put der oinkment on it dis mourning. well, wen we got home from der vets she went bonkers; running around, not in not out, drink no drink, hear their everyware. tippical. she cant just be carm and go and hav a nice little snack like wot i duz too steddy everythink. but she did knot doo any pea in der hous so dat is good. shes' fine now, sleapin on my dads' chair and barfin and fings but she do go funny.

Mr uncle josh sez we is boaf reely well and hellfy - so no jokes bout me being over wait, ok!!!! i is just rite wiv my winter wormer furr coat and layer of polly unsaturates.

he do tipin on his puter ver fast liek my dad and mum, wot is not fare cos i can ownly yoos my frunt pours and dey can you's lots of fingers and go much farster.

on der hole i prefurr not to visit mr josh cos we go in der car wot i dont' like and den his plaice is ver ver smelly of orl sorts of animals and dis nasty little dog had been in too sea him befour us wot cum out yappin and yappin and yappin and pullin on its leed. most unplezzant. but if i has two sea a veritinetinary surj-on (dats' der propper name for a vet) i liek mr josh best. (he is an ozzie-israeli-americano-inglish!! but also nice and its' from der dat wee found mimi wot cums and feeds us if der parent's go away and is reely nice two.

final fort; danle sez wen he woz werkin in A-ann-D emergency doctrine, and sumwon cum in unconshuss its' like bein a vet. well yoo cant' get hi-er than that. (i fink danl woznt' clever enuff too beecum a vet and had to settle for hooman vetting/doctrin wot is less impawtant but dont' tell him i sed sew).


recuvrin from der bangs and a noo secrit cubbord

Der bangs woz so horrid dat i has needed to do a lot of sleepin to catch up so I has not bin near der puter. dis is me sleapin by my mummys' pillose. i is still sleapin under der bed two.

But, hey, I must tell you I went into a cubbord I is not normally aloud in, reely exiting (or is it - egg-sighting?, sea i doo try to get my speling rite). Well, dis cubboard is under der proper stairs of der hous. Its a funny cubbord wiv lots and lots of bottles all lying on there sides, ver intersting, i has marked orl der cardbord and fings. I dont' no wot dey is four but der hoomans go to der cubbord quite offen. Usually dey sumthink like - fancy a glass of red with this? or - white would go well with this, and off dey trot too der cubbord and pull out a bottle, dunno wy. and now dey even tork bout dan'ls girlfrend rosie - you know, dey say, a good quolity rosie goes down ver nicely. well, i dont' think dis woz two seecrit but just a bit.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


oh der bangs woz terrible

der bangs for Guy Forks woz just so terrible I was hidin in orl sorts of plaices and runty woz hidin between the bookcase and daniels' door in a littel space and she dun too peas on der flaw. i tried der frunt of der house up stares and down stares but dey woz every ware.

but der woz bangs der night beefour and even after. on der day after my dad woz sittin at his desk and i fort it wood be safe if I settled on his bag but der woz still bangs, not as menny but still bangs. orfull. dey shudnt' do it. it is really upsetting. no jokes. its' over now i hope. stoopid. horrid.

(dont' tell ennyboddy but i has bin sleepin under my mummy and daddys' bed. its ver big and i can fit in between der too draws underneef to feel a bit safer. i is still doin it just in case der bangs cum back).

Friday, November 03, 2006


my spelling

Look I is gettin reely upset cos boath my mum and my bruvver danl is sayin that they ca'nt reed der blog cos of der spellin. Orl I doo is spel fings der way day sound and sum times der is too spellings two a werd or maybe three and i guess der rong wun. well, im' sorry. I reads der Guardeninian as yoo can sea hear and i tries my best. i woz not ver good at spellin at cat skool, i woz a big helper and fings but spellin was difficult. so my dad has tried to help me and it do'nt make no sense just like der propostroffee make no sense to me.

my dad try to eggs-plane how you spell and pronounce werds that have OUGH in dem and its' bonkers!!

bough is bow
cough is coff
ought is ort
tough is tuff
though is thoa
through is throo


caught is cort, so wot about ought/ort den. compleetly bonkers.

if i rite MINUTE do i mean sixty seconds or sum fink ver tiny? minnit or mynyoot?

i is always gettin muddled up wiv to too and two (speshly as no wun says twoo, cept for owls), but how doo yoo know.


why is do pronounced doo, but you is pronounced yoo?

why is'nt London spelled Lunden? nyther of der vowels is rite.

how cum 'come' is 'cum' and not 'coam' but 'comb' is 'coam' and not sound like 'bom'????

sea.......sorry dad........see wot i mean???

now ders annuver wun werds

that.......what; what should be wot. word should be werd.

what about right, write and rite.......terrible for me. only the therd wun looks rite to me. wots der gh doing in der ferst wun and wots der W doing at der beginning of der second wun. and der opposite of right is wrong not roghng, and der opposite of write is speak.

oh yes, wot about one and won. der ferst maikes no sense at orl and der second shood be wun.

wood.......would........its' hopeless. i think Inglish not English (cos we say inglish) is compleetly stoopid and rong and I is rite. and dats' orl i've got to say on der matter. im' sorry if it makes der blog difficult to reed but i do my best cos inglish is big and hard and stoopid, and has two menny werds, and if every body followed me den their woodnt be no problems with spelling and we could be like der italians (wot live outside my territtorree) and pronouns things der whey we rite dem.

i is quite upset but do'nt tell anybody. i shall carry on reedin der paper.

ooh, gess wot!!! my dad has ternd over the pages wiv his horizontally opposed thum, show off, and he has read to me an article in der Guardinia twoday by Simon Jenkins saying that inglish spelling is stooooooopid!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!! I is less upset now. The article is below.

A million fingers are tapping out a challenge to the tyranny of spelling

The texting generation may yet realise George Bernard Shaw's dream of liberating the English language for all of us

Simon Jenkins
Friday November 3, 2006
The Guardian

Thank you, Scotland. First John Knox, then the Enlightenment and now the Scottish Qualifications Authority. In a direct challenge to the English at their most reactionary, the authority has declared that it will accept text-messaging short forms in school examinations. The dark riders of archaism will protest and the backwoods will howl. No spell is cast as dire as spellcheck. But the champions of reason are massing north of the border and need our support.

It is plain silly to regard doughnut as "better" than donut. The same goes for alternatives to night, through, colour and wholesome. When the great Noah Webster invented American spelling after independence, he left British English immured in bigotry. He chided "even well-bred people and scholars for surrendering their right of private judgment to literary governors". To Americans, spelling reform was the sovereignty of common sense. For that reason the British treated it as foreign, vulgar and, worst of all, American.

I have no quarrel with grammatical authoritarianism. Grammar is a vehicle that needs a highway code of human communication. To parse is to prosper. Grammar evolves to reflect the new uses that language requires of it, as dictionaries include new words. Adverbs and adjectives fight the good fight against poverty-stricken nouns and verbs. Prepositions and conjunctions are hurled into the fray. A controversial time is had by all.

In contrast, spelling has become a no-go area, an intellectual tundra. While plain writing is considered a stylistic virtue, plain spelling is a vice. English orthography is an edifice of unreason. Word endings are the last gasp of the Anglo-Saxon and Norman invasions, embedded in the cultural DNA of literary Brahmins. Not to spell properly is a sign of being common, as once was ignorance of Latin. Knowing your "ie" from "ei" or -ible from -able does not affect a word's meaning one jot. It is a caste mark, its distinction deriving from its very obscurity.

Across the globe, students of English are driven to distraction by its spelling. Britons ridicule the French for their rule-based language, but at least they have a scholarly academy to discuss and approve (or resist) reform. While English adapts its vocabulary to circumstance, it has no way of adapting its spelling. Every time I write cough, bough, through and thorough (not to mention write), I think of the teeming millions of students who ask their teachers: why? There is no answer. I suggest they learn American English instead.

The dogmatism of English orthography is a bond of lexicological freemasonry, a conspiracy against the laity. Orwell rightly associated such dogma with totalitarianism. Wrong is right, as in war is peace. In Shakespeare's day authors conveyed the clearest of messages with random spelling, even of Shakespeare's own name. As David Crystal points out in The Fight for English, not until the 18th century was Chesterfield able to chastise his son on his poor spelling, warning that "I know a man of quality who never recovered the ridicule of having spelled wholesome without the w."

Orthographical purity is perpetually under strain. Crystal estimates that the Oxford dictionary gives alternate spellings for some 25% of words at some time in history. "Hence the notion of standard spelling needs to be taken with a huge pinch of salt." Yet propose that Britain should spell colour without a u and it is like burning the flag. In 1992 the Guardian reported a Gallup poll suggesting that only one in six adults could spell accommodation, business, height, necessary, separate and sincerely; 10% got them all wrong. This was considered a shocking example of public illiteracy. In truth it was a comment on the archaism of the spellings. Italians would not consider such a poll worth holding.

When George Bernard Shaw, leading champion of a simplified alphabet (or alfabet) was censored for writing shant, he asked why shan't and not the more accurate sha'n't. He said of most apostrophes, "There is not the faintest reason for persisting in the ugly and silly trick of peppering pages with these uncouth bacilli." He was right in claiming that archaic spellings were maintained to keep the poor illiterate, but wrong to think that they would impede the spread of English as a world language. Spelling is the last fig leaf of empire, the last bastion of nanny (or Lynne Truss) knows best. It is stuck in the tramlines of the past, and nobody thinks straight on the subject.

Reform has seen many false dawns. Some hoped for a breakthrough with the telegram. But by charging for words, not characters, the Post Office dropped this pass. Isaac Pitman created a new English script with shorthand, but its boycott by teachers and restriction to a servile class of secretaries and journalists stamped it as a manual skill. The same applied to stenography.

Another opportunity came with the qwerty keyboard. Designed to avoid the jamming of mechanical arms, it was a golden opportunity for simplified spelling. Yet even when electronic keyboards ended the jamming problem, nobody thought to reform the qwerty layout or spelling with it. I am told that Mandarin can be transmitted faster, by a skilled operator, than Roman script with English spellings.

Most English words are twice as long as they need to be, staggering under a weight of unvoiced vowels and consonants surplus to requirements. Computer users may be hard-wired to qwerty, but millions still plod across the keyboard searching with single-finger typing. Thousands are disabled by repetitive stress injuries.

Can texting finally spur revolution? Young people have evolved both a new script and a cost-effective reason for using it. They are breaking free of spelling dogma and expanding the alphabet with emoticons. Texting is the shorthand of the computer age. It is concise, cutting through the verbal jargon by which the professional classes seek to exclude the less educated. The Txtr's A-Z, a dictionary compiled by Andrew John, points out that mobile texting literally puts a price on waffle, while "ingenious abbreviations have been contrived to capture a vaguely philosophical thought, a loving sentiment or a beautifully crafted obscenity". He describes what is a chaotic literary pidgin.

The Scottish examiners are adamant that they are not rewarding text spelling, since there will be no marks for it, only for accuracy of meaning. Pupils will be credited for quoting "2b or not 2b" but will get higher marks if they spell it conventionally. That they should be penalised for an offence that Shakespeare himself committed is strange. Surely pupils are saving paper and helping examiners by their brevity. But all change must start somewhere.

Shaw left the British Museum a legacy for the promotion of spelling reform, a legacy which the museum stole after a case of Jarndyce obscurity in the court of chancery in 1957. To make amends the British Library should now summon a conference in Shaw's name of lexicographers and writers to declare a thousand English spellings archaic and thousands more as common usage, including texting short forms. If not, the world will pass on and the nation's young will reform English spelling on their own. Already a million fingers are tapping out a revolution. The Scots are showing the way.



nersin is exorstin!!!

My goodness!!! Nersin is exorstin. I did'nt realise. nerses werk reely hard, well i did. dis is wot i needed arfter i had finished nersin rosie. nuff sed, two tired to rite maw. (also dey is rarver luvvly fotos of my tummy wot is magnificent).


Nersing!! A noo Job!!!!

Danl has cum too stay with Rosie and she is ver ver pawly, so dey has appointed me as deputy assistant nersing assistant, wot is a ver ver important job! Wot i is doin as nersin is keepin a close aye on the payshent and maikin shure that she is not two pawly. It is a ver ver long job and so sumtimes it is important to close der ayes four a few moments but not go to sleep. Dis job is an extra job!! Oh yes, I is still gardin der property and all and trying to nip out the front (tee hee). Sum peeple say; oh look at that cat just lying der gettin orl cumfy and worm on der blanket. Bluddy cheak!!! is wot i say. i is doin hard werk, carming der pawly person and makin shoor dey is ok. But it is a nice job two.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Dear Wally, Eat and loud bangs

I woz ritin ver recently about the horrible bangs too celebrate sumfink corled Dear Wally wot has two doo wiv gods fings. But der woz also bangs cos of sumfink corled Eat. And we still has not reached Gy Forks!!!

Well, dear wally is from sumfink corled hin-doo and eat cums from sumfink corled muslin. Dese is boath corled relly-johns. i had not herd of dis beefour and needed help from my dad on der puter too werk out wot dis woz orl about cos we dusnt' has diss in my territtorree.

ok. der is diss fing corled relly-johns and wot it is is dat dey has parties and fings like dear wally wot is bout sumfink corled gods cummin back or sumfink like dat. Eat is diffrent; muslins spend a hoe munth not eatin during der day (have yoo ever herd of ennyfink so crazy in yore life!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) and den at the end of the mumf dey has a big party corled Eat. Well, I'm not surprised dey corl it Eat are yoo? And dey corl dis not eating a fast. I thort fast meant quick like in a fast car so how it cum to mean a long slow not eat i do'nt no. i suppose yoo cood hav a fast fast like wot i do wen i is asleep or a fast fast fast fast.

So, I starts to luk on der internet and ders loads of dese rellyjohns and dey has fings corled gods and ders old wuns wot had gods dat has gon and ders uvvers wiv gods wot peeple beleev in now. sumwun corled der chews said dat orl der old gods wot had grate names and did all sorts of fun fings woz no good and dey had wun god wot dey just corled god (boring) and dis woz top god and dun mor dan der uvver gods and made der erff and der sun and fings. and dese silly people also have dese fast fings and a big won corled your kipper not smoked, where dey chews not to eat at orl for a hole day and nite and den have a kipper each to celebrate wot dey chews.!!!! even tho thei'res food in der house. beleeve it??? a kipper is a fish called a had dock wot yoosed to smoke and has now stopped, known for short as a smoked had dock or kipper. sum peepel say dat there name is spelt choose and not chews cos there god said they is der chosen peeple so they is called der choose.

So won of dese choose peeple woz a bit fed up and he choose to start his own groop and his followers sed dat he woz der sun of dis god and dat god got der baby into dis woman corled mary hoo had an immaculate consumption or sumfink and had dis gods' baby - well, i found an old greek god wot cum too erff as a swon and he had a baby two corled helen and stuff so nuffink noo der. but dis joo god and his sun corled jesus do'nt go in much for jokes. ennyway der storey get's more crazy cos den wen hes' killed in a not ver nice way dey so oh no he do'nt just dye he is assumed into heven ware dis god corled god (not ver imaginative wiv der names) - i ai'nt assuming ennyfink, he sort of beam me up scotty or sumfink, and dey is corled cristy-anns. oh yes, and dis werld aint' de only wun, no yoo liv wiv god for ever. well, dis is outside of my territtorree and maybee i will live for ever - wot ever ever is. but dese peepel do prayin and dey say oh we give up fings for lent; wot means we lend yoo sumfink wot we giv up and den yoo give it back to us!! see? pretty daft innit.

but wy dese rellyjohns wont to giv stuff up and not eat and make demselves miserable? wot not eatin ment too doo? if i is hungry i eats and if i dont' eats i do'nt feel no better for it in fact i don't like it at all and i dont' liek der crunchys at der bottom of der bag cos day is dusty and not niece but if i woz ver ver ver hungry i wood eat dem (yuk) so wot der point of not eatin.

I has tried to werk out ware dese gods and fings liv cos ders mor dan wun and i cant' find der plaice, not near my house, enny way. and ders annuver fing, i has looked to sea sumfink dat shows me dat dese gods exist, enny ov dem and i cant' find nuffink. ah der big god corled god is evry ware and seas and nose evryfink; well, i cant' sea him and if hes evryware how cum i cant's see him or smell him or here him??? eh??? arnser me dat wun? ah day say yoo has to prey. well, i duz i prey on gwen and sumtimes on runty and leap on dem; but if dis god no evryfink ennyway how cum yoo prey/tork to him cos he nose it ennyway? and wot dese gods got to do wiv bein nice? yoo can be nice wivout gods carnt' yoo?

so if ders nuffink to sho dat dese gods is hear or der big wun just corled god wot is supposed to be evryware - hoo don't sound like much funn to me - ackershirley exist wot dese peepel doin wiv der preyin and der not eatin? luk its' serius if yoo dont' have enuff food to eat like sum of my cuzzins in africa and india and places (and even sum hoomans two) so yoo wont to eat but yoo got nuffink or not enuff and is hungry - dats seereeuss, ver seeriuss - but choosin not too eat is just plane daft and ackshirley not ver nice for der peepel and animals wot not got enuff food and got know choice.

I fink dis has orl bin maid up to maik me look silly and now i is kross but i is pootin it on my blog in case yoo has herd dese crazy storeys two. but i fink peeple shud just stop maikin up dese silly fairy storeys and stop der narsty bangs. ok?

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