Thoughts of a Top Cat

Wee still has no sentral heeting, not that I care ver much if the silly littel drying room has a boiler in it or not cos I is not aloud to sleap ver offen on the clothes when they is nice and toasty dry on top. Wot I bluddy well doo care is how cum the ray-dee-eighters is still colde???? Mr Pat has bin werking hear four too hole days now, yesterday with mr ed wot doo the brick stuff and twoday (cos its' day too) with yung maff-you (funny name) but still it is'nt finished!!!

Gwen (yuck) have werked out that their is a nice toasty fire in the playroom and she is having nice toasty sleaps in frunt of it. me n runty doo not like the noisee olde blowey things wot my dad put out wot blow hot heir around, so we makes the best of a bad job on a bed with a doovay.

it woz sew noisee tooday that i thort i wood have a quiet sleep in the guardin as it is not to cold and wot happens??? dad cum out and get out the lorn mower and cut up orl the leaves. is their know piece in this werld ennywear for a cat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (ooh, i not dun that in a long long time, tee hee).

larst nite wen dad woz out i did not just follow my mum about and spend lots and lots and lots of time on her lap cos i is upset bout the mess mr pat am maiking in my territtorree. no no. it woz to reashure my mum that evrythink is orl rite, cos she can get up set when the house is ver ver messy (not that it is ever tye-dee).

well, life is ver ver tyring, i can tell yoo that much for nuthink.

PS My dad say he woz telling a yung laydee corld lorer/lawrer??? about my blog and she say to narsty things. ferst she say that she doo not like cats - well i do'nt like yoo then, miss lorner. therd (or is that seckond??) she say that she doo not beleave that i wright this blog!!!! well, hoo doo she think rite it then, eh, not my payrents thats' four shore and it ai'nt runty and gwen not allowed upstares. then she say to my dad that lying is a sin. i has never bin sew insulated in orl of my lyfe!!! and ennyweigh wot is a sin??? i no the werds IN and OUT but not SIN and SOUT, and i no the werd SING cos my dad doo it sumtimes and ver narsty it is too. well, I doo lye. i lye on my left side (or is that my rite?) and i lie on my write side (or is that left?) and sumtimes when it is ver very luvly and toasty hot outside I lie on my back and toasty orl my tummy, luvly. i wunce sore a bit of a film wear a man dun sing; I'm sinning in the reign, just sinning in the reign.....dunno if thats' rite. i cood arsk my dad wot this sin thing is but i to bee onnest i car'nt bee botherd. she have never red my blog or osckers' or paddy ebenez'ers, so she do'nt no nuthink. so i say too yoo miss lorner (and this is not the nice lorner griftits wot yoosed to rite too mee when i woz ferst blogging but then stopped, boo hoo), poo and maybee i do'nt like yoo!!!!

PSPS my dad sez that i am the best of the best of the best, sew their!!!!!!!!!!!

NO NO DOO NOT BE FRYTEND BY THESE FOTOS!!
i'ts not a wilde dangeruss jungly beest wot has escaped from the zoo or the jungly its mee. i no at a kwick glance yoo woz probbly a bit frytend by the fotose of a big brave top cat tipe beesty but its' just mee.

Bizzy bizzy time in the guarden. my dad deesided that the guardin fernitcher woz gowing to be put aweigh in the big shed cos the sun shine and orl that is not so worm now (probbly cos there central heeting is browken two) and me n runty is not sunday barthing on the tables or on hour loungers.
natch, this is an important job putting orl the chairs and table in the Big Shed and my dad orlweighs need my help to check insighed the shed and check that noboddy is going to steel nuthink wile he doo it. runty dun cum two but she do'nt doo no jobs and she just trot arowned sniffing stuff. here is three (or is that fore, i no i'ts more than to, yep im pritty shaw its' three?) fotos of me guardin the guardin fernitcheur in the guardin (or the same werd, yay!!!). on the woody pile wot the tree sir-johns left and on the nice new chares when dad woz putting more aweigh, to gard them.

i arsk my dad how cum the luvly sunny whether like wot me n runty (and eeven gwen - yuk) luv sew much, how cum it go and we get the narsty colde wet whether like wot i has too go out on petrole in. my dad say it orl ver ver complicated but it a bit like mooving ferther aweigh from a fire - well, wee no lots bout fires at the moment cos the raydee-eighters is orl colde!!! that no joke. my dad say if yoo go to the center of the erth in the middle to a plaice corled the ee-kwait-er then it it sunny hot orl the year round!!! well, i went to look for this on my map of the werld in the kichin and i looked for a plaice in the center of the hole wide werld corld ee-kwaiter and i cood not find it. I thort it wood probbly bee on the Central line (the orangy wun cos that gose orl throo the middel but it woz not their so i looked on the cercle line (yellow wun) and nuthink their two. he orlso say that they it ver nice and worm in winter in the west indies and yess, i found that on the map of the werld it have a stayshon corld West India Quay wot is on the DLR wot is littel bit of the werld wot is greyey greeney and they did not bother to culler it in propper in the middel (tippical, eh??). Well, that is a very very long weigh aweigh from hear in my territtorree and orltho i luv the sun and wen it is worm i is sertenlee not going that far.

ok, look, i think my dad (and maybee my mum to) is going mad aggen. it happend a few munths ago and it happening aggen. it is not funny but very wurrying. yoo remember like wen i rote that my dad sed that orl the clocks in the house wer mooving fourward, so i woched them and did'nt sleap or nuthink, and i told yoo that nun of them mooved. well, i had the same trubble the uther day cos he say that orl the clocks is mooving backwards that nite. it can be scaree wen yoo is told that things in the house will moove ....... well, not scaree for me, of corse, cos i is a tuff top cat but yoo no the feemails get scared and orl that.

ok ok, hear is too fotos of to clocks, rite?? wun is on the worl in the kichin and wun is an old fashonned wyndee up wun. the kichin wun is on the worl and car'nt moove backwerds at orl the uther wun is orlmost tuching the worl and carnt' moove only a tye-knee bit but it did'nt!!!!

the hooman werd for this condishon is sigh-co-siss, cos peepel sigh and say oh deer when this happen. well, i think my dad got a ver bad case of sigh-co-siss over clocks and maybee he have to go and sea a person wot deel with sigh-co-siss wot is corled a sigh-kye-at-risk. i doo try too tell him that the clocks doo not moove but he do'nt lissen as yoojoo-orl.

ackshirley, has yoo ever looked at a clock??? i dunno why hoomans have them. thay say its' too tell the time - too tell the time whot???? they do'nt tork???? i has looked at them. the kichin wun has a switty littel red stick pointy thing wot go tickety tickety tick round and round kwite farst, then it have a black wun wot go round much more slowlier, then a littel black pointy thing wot moove ver slowly - i has wotched it and it is ver ver slow. and then there is numbers on it, not menny but it gose more hi than like wot i like to count so its' quite lots. but they is ownly their so that sum times wun payrent will say too the uther - "look at the time!!!!" - much good that doo. or thay look at the clock and say; "oh, bugger wee missed that pogrom on the telly".

my dad sez their are orlsew digital clocks but i has not scene them. they has a few with numbers ownly wot doo counting but i no that digit means finger so it wood be a clock with lots of fingers on it and we do'nt got nun like that.

if my dad or my mum go reely reely barmee i will tell you.

it happening aggen. my dad went out the uther weak and started getting or the leaves off the grarss. he doo this evvry yere and orl that happen is that more of them forl down. why?? i has eggs-plained this too him and too yoo beefour!! cos leaves is corled leaves cos they leaves the trees and forl on the ground and then you just leaves them alone and then they go aweigh in the end.

i say this too my dad, look dad, just leaves the leaves like wot that is wot they is corled four, ok? he say that he needs to get rid of the leaves cos sumwun tolde him they is bad for the grarss. well, have yoo ever scene hour grarss?? well it moastly dandylions and moss ennyweigh, so i do'nt sea wot a few leaves is going too doo. he yoosed too doo it with ray-king and stuff and that woz nice and kwiet but he maid him miserble so he bort a sucky blow blow thingy and that woz ver noisy but he thort it woz no more kwicklier than ray-king. then he bort a knew bigger lorn mower for cutting the grarss (it still orlweighs orlweighs grow back but he never lern and take aweigh my jungly bit wot i like) and now he doo the leaves with that. he reely sad and if he lissened too mee he wood'nt have too doo it.

of corse if he woz reely clever he wood stick the leaves on the trees so they do'nt forl down or bye trees wot do'nt has leaves wot leave the trees, like wot is named arfter that laydee, conny furr.

halo, well at the time of righting i ca'nt put up know pickshers wot makes me very cross but its the silly bloggy thing wo'nt let me do, my dad say it is a softwhere problem.

well, wear to start?

I woz not ver ver well and had too go and sea mr uncle josh, the veritenirer........ vetinary....... vertiner...... oh, thingy, vet sirjohn. cos i had a ver weepy aye and the other woz orlsow saw (cos ayes doo get saw cos yoo sea throo them, sea?) but i do no how to spell the werd for not well - yoo orl think i is gowing to rite pawly but yoo is rong - ha! ha! cos i has looked it up, the spell the werd for not beeing well - pourly cos yoo is pour. clever me, getting that won rite eh??

well, my ayes-y-pyses doo get saw cos i has these blocked ducks from when i woz a tye-knee baby and had the floo. so mr josh dun put oinkment in my ayes, and an injeckshon. my dad orlso say to mr uncle josh that he is wurried bout how i is working. mr josh say i woz working like jon waine (hoo hee??) and then he look at my bottom and say it is ver ver saw. well, i cood have told him that myself, i has had a ver sor botty for kwite a long time but i think that the botty is most pryvet so i did not tell my payrents. ferst mr josh stick a thingy up my botty wot is ver ver rood too doo!!! and say my temperatyour is fine - i no my frend paddy ebenezer like this stick up the botty but i think it is not at orl nice thank yoo ver much!!!!! so, mr josh put oinkment on it wot woz not nyther. mr josh then give me an injeckshon of auntie-by-otic wot i is very good about. he orlso way me and say that i is waying two much and i cood becum a dye-a-bettick - well, i is not going to beecum that cos i is a cat orlreddy.

mr josh send us home with more aunti-bye-0ttick wot acksherley taste ok. and too oinkments!! won four my ayes and wun four my bottee. they is just like hooman oinkments. my dad has yoosed an oinkment corled fuckidin (he wo'nt let me say wear but it is on his bottee, tee hee, tho he say it woz a long time ago, and zo has yoosed it on her lips when they crack) and i had fuckiton for my ayes and fuckitup for my bottee. Sew, too times a day my payrents grab me and stick the tabloids down my mowth, then my mum doo my ayes and my dad doo my bottee wot woz ver saw for the first cupple of days. i did not liek this gowing on too times ever day and only stopped when my mum got porely and went to bed with a bad colde. my dad tride on his owne and he cood doo my ayes but he cood'nt werk out how too doo my bottee on his own(tee hee), cos wun weigh he coodnt' sea my bottee and the uther weigh i cood run aweigh. ha ha ha.

but seeriussly, my payrents woz wurrid bout my working so my dad rushed me back to mr uncle josh ferst thing on the mundee mourning. but bye then i woz working ok but mr josh looked at my bottee and orl and stuck his finger rite up my bottom!!!!!! well, that woz most incrediblee rood!!!!! wot he think he dooing??????? he saying he checking my poo and that orl is ok up their!!!!!!!!!! reely, orl he have too doo is arsk nice and politely, i sumtimes wunder bout mr uncle josh even tho he the nicest veriterineriree sirjohn we has ever had.

wye has i not bin blogging? cos my dad has bin saying that he has bin two bizzee lerning lots of lines and he not leaving the pooter on - coo he is shellfish. wot doo hee meen???? how can yoo lern lines, yoo draw them????? ah, then i werk it out he has bin looking at my map of the hole werld - even outside zone 6 and trying to lern the lines on their like northen, baykerloo, cercle (wot is not a cerckle - tippical hooman rong) ect and orl the wons wot is not cullered in yet, liek wot go too the end of the werld at gravesend ect. he say it got nuthink too doo with that but got too doo with sumthink corled the mousepoo or mousecrap. but i will test him on how menny of the stayshons names he has lernd, just yoo weight!!!!!

wot else????

oh yes, the sentral heeting boiler is total broke and mr pat say he hav to fit a noo won. in case yoo has not red my uther blogs this is a tippical hooman get-it-rong. sentral heeting doo not heet the centre of the house at orl but just a little cubberd and the rest is dun by the ray-dee-ayters wot doo not ray-dee-ate. so the house is bluddy cold and their is the odd noisee fire around but it not much good. of corse, beeing a brillant top cat with lots and lots of luverly furr i is fine (orltho i doo preefurr it when it is nice and worm in the house) but my payrents wot do'nt has no furr, hah!! is moning moaning bout it beeing colde everywear. runty do'nt have much furr and she do'nt like it and gwen ai'nt got her ray-dee-eighter too strech out on. the payrents mone cos the barthroom is colde and the towels do'nt dry ect ect ect mone moane moan. look, hoomans if yoo had a lot of furr and yoo licked yoreself clean and cood reech yore own bottom too lick yoo wood have nun of thees problems cos we is just better orl round!!!!!!!!!!! they has hot worter cos they got sumthink corled an immershon heeter in the tank???????? pardon??????? ca'nt bee botherd too arsk him wot that meen.

oh yes, and then yesterday the kettle wot my dad bort ownly last febbree from mr john lewis. he say this is the last straw!!!! no, sorree dad, its' a kettle and hav nuthink too doo with straw and thay has a ver ver old wun with a baykerlite handle wot they poot on the gas. if they just drank from a butch bole outside like wot i duz they wood not need a kettle at orl.

wot else??? oh yes, zo fell over and broke her arm. well, that make too persons. their's oskers mum wot fell over her owne frunt step when not drunk and still have problems with her rist. zo fell over a tree trunk stump wot the cownsill left (i no wot a cow is but not a cownsill), wot woz orl dark. danl wot has werked in a-n-d say the brake not bad and the orthopod say it heeling well. still, and i no i has sed this beefour but i say it aggen, if hoomans worked on orl fors like wot cats duz they wood not forl over and brake bones. maybee with eva-lotion hoomans will eevolv to work on orl fors in the end cos its' better.

i has probblee fourgot lots. oh yes, my bruv and sister cum to sea mee larst sunday. danl brort roses as joojooal wot is orlweighs ver nice to me n runty and zo brort sumwun noo corled ben wot is a ginger like mee!!!! so thats' ok!!!!!! its' orlweighs grate to see my bruv and sister (even tho zo still wont to fite mee for the pecking order wot i is higher in th pecking order than wot she is, and danl am orlweighs rood bout my wait cos he is jelluss of mee cos he not clever enuff to bee a vet and ownlee doo dockter werk on hoomans so he car'nt tuch my bottom!!!!).

i will blog aggen soon and get sum nice noo fotoes of me up on the blog.

Hello, hello. My dear friend Biggles has very kindly allowed me to use his blog to tell you that my mummy came home a little while ago!! She came and stayed for the night and then she went!! And then she came back again for a night and then she went!!! I am still sleeping on her bed every every evening because I am sure she will come back again very very soon and not abandon me the way she has done in the past for months and months and months, not that my daddy is not lovely to me and gives me my special affection every evening (except when he doesn't!!!), but I do need to see my mummy some times because she is my mummy. I know I have been doing a few wee-wees behind the door but I am feeling calmer again. I wish to thank Biggles for letting me use a little bit of space on his blog. My tail!!!!!!!!!.........evil!!!!!!!!!!!!! evil!!!!!!!!!! tormenter.........!!!!!!!!!!!! I will bite you off, you evil tail tip!!!!!!! ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you hurt me when I bite you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kill, kill, kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will bite, bite, bite you again for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gess hoo?? (Me, biggles in case yoo do'nt gess). Just a kwick werd bout the Zo cumming home. It is orlweighs nice too sea my sister wot is lower than me in the peckin order but she do'nt stay long. But the payrents told me she had forlen over larst weak and broken her arm - and no she do'nt drink no alcohol, but she like oskers' mum and do'nt no how to stand up. Oske'rs mum as wee no fell over her owne frunt step and her rist am still know good a hundrid yeres layter. Zo say it wer a tree stump wot the cown-sil left and wot woz orl dark in the eevning and she cood'nt sea wen carrying stuff. I is of cause ver sorry that Zo has broke her alm but i think this just showe that hooman beans wot with working on too legs so they got there horizontally opposed thum (blah blah) just ai'nt as good as like wot we is wot work on orl for pours and orlsow hoomans doo not hav cats' eyes for seaing at nite like wot wee has. Sew it just sho hoo is soopee-reeor aggen. oh yes, the payrents went to sea zo at the weakend and left me in charj orl day, nach, and thay say she ai'nt to bad and the arm shood get better ok. danl sed her brake yoojoolee heel pritty ok.