Thoughts of a Top Cat

My dad is moaning. danl has not tayken his nice offis chare yet and me n runty thort it wood be nice too sleep on a cumfy chare eech, i am on dads' and sh'es on danls'. and very cumfy for a nice sleep they is two. but my dad is then saying, ware doo i sit and i sez their is a ver nice wight chare yoo can yoos, thank yoo. and he say thats' not fare, i is topper than yoo in the peckin order and the white chare is orl hard and i do'nt like it ect ect moan moan moan. look, i sez too him, that wight chair is ver nice and ver good four yoo and yoo shood not complane cos yoo do'nt hav to go out on petrole and gard the propertee and the territtorree and yoo has not bin in to fites in the last few daze ect ect ect, and runty is bonkers so theirs' nuthink yoo can doo bout her. well, he get orl sulky and yoos the wite chare but i no he is not pleesed but i still let him stroke me lots and thats ok, but he doo look grumpy bout it.

they is starting to put the sentrle heeting on aggen, hooray!!!!. in case yoo do'nt no wot this is, well it is egg-sackly wot its name is not. but that is tippical of hooman-beans to get things orl rong. no, centrel heeting duz not meen that yoo just heet a bit of the middle of yore home, the sentral bit, in fackt it meens the opposit that yoo has heeting everyware, so it shood be corled everyware heeting. my dad sez it is corled sentral heeting cos yoo only have won sauce of heet (well, i never put hot sauces on my hills sigh-ens food, so he torking rubbish aggen). he sez its' cos it orl cums from the wun boy-ler - i no orl about the boyler, thank yoo, cos i has jumpt up and slept on it when it is nice and cumfy with dride cloaths on it. not oanlee is the name sentral heeting orl rong but then the hoomans say that the heet cums out of ray-dee-eight-ers; well, this is just total rong cos we has more than eight and the won thing that the hot metal thingies doo not doo is ray-dee-ate, no, the hot worter inside wooshes round and round and is conducted throo the metal too the outside and then it is convected up and out and in hour house cos it is corled late-victorian (that meen it wos not finished on time by a mr victorian) and we has ver high sealings, we has ver ver worm sealings and bluddy colde flaws.

oh, yes, hour nice cleener has gone back to poland to visit her fammly for a weak. lots of peepel cum to ingerland from the too poles since they joined the He You (wot ever thing that is). i did not arsk her beefour she left which pole she cum from, the north or the south. i has bin looking at my map of the werld and i ca'nt find a stay-shon for poland (a stay-shon, bye the weigh, is wear the tranes stay for a bit so peepel can get on and off, and it is brite with lite shon in it, so, stay-shon; simple werking out werds, innit). i think with the globul worming and the melting of the north poland ice cap they has had to close the nearest stayshons to the poal cos i looked at an old map of the werld and the orange line yoosed to go orl the way to Ongar on a speshal littel trane for the colde from Epsom but they stoppt it cos of the lossing of ice, i think, at the north poland, well it is ver ver at the top of the werld their. i is not kwite shure wear the south pole is but i think it mite bee on wun of those lines wot the hoomans fourgot to culler in, and i think it is probbly East Grinstead cos peeple say thats the end of the werld a ded end. but oskers' blind starff (paddys' blind mum) sed sumthink bout gravesend and chatham reely beeing the ded end of the werld, so i is not kwite shore their.

off too doo sum jobs now.............or maybee just a tye-knee littel nap ferst.

PS doo yoo no wot is the moste bootifull sound in the hole wide werld?? it is the tinkle tinkle sound of my payrents pooring sum luverly hills sigh-ence crunchies in my bole. ah, luverly, i orlweighs purr lots at that.

PS wot dus PS meen?? my dad sez it is latin like eg, ie, AM, PM, etc. qed, exit, medium (but not smorl or larje) etc. well, they do'nt no how to rite propper werds in wear they speek Latin, and ack-shirley I duz no wear they speak Latin, in Latin America, of coarse!. Sea, I is a very clever top cat to have werked that out orl on my only self.

ennyweigh, anuther PS. Paddys' blind mummy (thats' osk'ers blind starff) has gon on holiday to Cyprus. Well, I looked that up on my map of the werld and it is far far aweigh, only too stops from the end of the merky greeny line wot they fourgot to culler in in the middel at Beckton. I hav never bean that far aweigh from my territtorree. i hope it is sunny and nice four her their.

My dad bin telling me that Relly-Johns duz not wont yoo too eat nice food at the moment!!

First, the choose (or is it chews?) has just had a thing corled Your Kipper ware yoo is supposed not too eat or drink nuffink for a hole day and nite!!! And the muslins has a thing corled Rammy-Dan wear they say yoo can eat at nite but mustn't in the day time for a hole munth. Hoomans corl this thing a farst but it look bluddy sloe to mee!! Well, of corse I farst evry day when I is on petrole or having a barth or when I is asleap, and at nite we is in the playroom and has too farst cos hour boles are in the kichin, but it is'nt a rool or ennything, and of corse I woz very miserble when my dad changed the food too narsty hills sigh-ense seen-eeor citizen cat food, and that woz neerly a farst but me n gwen eight runtys' food insted, but its' not a rool or ennythink, just my dad beeing stoopid as yoojooal.

So, wot this farsting rule orl about, how cum these relly-johns think its a good idea not too eat??? as a cat wot thinks lots and lots about his food it seams two mee pritty pointless and stoopid, i mean it carnt be helthy or ennything not too eat. bonkers if you arsk me. kristy-anns can also doo farsty things but not sow much, and they have a thingy corled lent ware they give up on the things they have lent too peeple and do'nt arsk for them back for lots of weaks - not so clever eyether cos the peeple mite loose the things wot they has borrode.

my dad says the choose have now mooved on to something corled arfter a lady corled Sue Cot. In this yoo is supposed to bild a littel hous out of speshal leaves and twigs and things and put yore cot or bed in it and sleep in it for a hole weak. I sed to my dad that sumtimes i sit under the table wot me n runty sunday baythe on when its' reigning hard, and wood this count. he sed no cos the roof got to be open to the sky. i sed, i sleeps outside when its' nice and sunny and worm and did this count. he sed know aggen cos it not nite time and yoo is supposed to be uncumfy and miserble and yoo got too eet in it to. he sed it had too bee at nite and i sed i liked my cumfy sofa thank yoo ver much or my chare for nite and it wood be darft too sleap outside and orl that now.

it seams to mee that wot these relly-johns is dooing is maiking yoo feel totally miserable so that when yoo stop yoo then feel happy and greatful and say thank yoo nice relly-john life is much better aggen. well, let me tell yoo i can feel perfeckly happy and greatfull without stopping eating and drinking for a long time and sleaping outside when its' getting coald at nite, or lending corky the cork to runty (not gwen!!!) for weaks and not getting it back, thank yoo ver much!!! this relly-john thingy is yet annuther of them totally darft thingies wot hoomans doo wot we cats has bin far two sensible to bother with.

PS and shhhhh this is a seecrit. I has bin in anuther fite and got a bit of a cut abuv the uther eye the rite......or is the left? ennyweigh, my dad is just a bit kross bout it and is worning me that I mite have too go too mr uncle josh the vet wot i do'nt wont too doo but i has to protect my territtorreeee!!!!

well, as yoo may no, their is annuther biggles but he is not a reel true biggles like me but woz ownlee in storees. well, like me he was brillant and incrediblee brave and orl that. and he woz a flyer in the storees (wot i think is not a ver good ideea) and he had a best frend corled ginger. so cos i is ginger i is corled biggles, sea, but you probbly no this orlreddy. well, biggles floo in a plane corled a sopwith camel (do'nt look nuthing like a cammel too me - but that just like hoomans innit? oh look, wot shall we corl this plain, well it do'nt look nuthing like a cammel so lets' corl it that, brillant!!!!). well, it woz a fyeter plain, natch, orltho i car'nt kwite sea how plains fort, and my dad sez it was a bye-plane. i has been trying to werk this won owt and i think it woz corled a bye-plain cos when it took off and went aweigh you waived it goodbye and said; bye plane! and i suppose, when it woz cumming back in and landing yoo corled it a hello-plane. and the name woz two long with both on it so they shortend it too bye-plane. yeah. i am not shure that the biggles in the storee woz as brave as i am but then he woz onlee in storeys and i am reel and troo and doo reel petroles and get into reel fites and orl that, and he woz a captin or sumthink and i am a top cat wot is hyer.

neerly time for a cumfy sleep on a bed but i must tell you i got a terrible shock the uther day. i woz on petrole and on my weigh back home and was going past the big shed (wot is mine to clime up on but i have not bin dooing it this summer, not that i cood'nt if i wonted too) and theirs my dad up their, on the roof!!! well, i can tell yoo i had a bit of a shock for a minnit. and he woz banging and banging aweigh. my mum sed he woz pooting a new roofing felt stuff on the roof beefour the big storms, but she did'nt say wot it felt like just felt........????? i has to say i think it wood have been polight if he had arsked if he cood go on my shed roof ferst but i woz a weigh at the time on the bigger petrole. and then their woz a big windee storm the neckst nite so maybee my dad woz a bit clever for wunce. oh, yes, and he cheeted to get up cos he yoosed a laddery step thingy wear-as i clime up orl on my own.

time for my hard erned sleap now.

i got intoo a fite. well, the payrents went owt four the eevning to sea sumboddy corled spamalot (strainj naim). and, of coarse, they go owt i has maw too doo. so i went owt on petrole and orl propper and their woz this uther cat wot i had too sea off. the payrents notist i had blud arownd my rite i (eye?) (or woz it the left?) and a narsty bit of bluddy stuff on my hed. they arsked wot had happend but i di'dnt tell them cos of cats' honner and orl that - sum things we just do'nt tell - like hoomans, like when the payrents is planning a holly-day, even tho they do'nt take no holly from the holly tree in the gardin on that day (tippical hooman stoopidity). well, i is reecuvring fine and did not knead too go too sea mr josh vet or werk enny less. no no, i has solejerd on like wot yoo wood orl expect.

the fotos show yoo that i duz not hang around or just sleep. hear yoo can sea mee keeping myself fit and on gard and reddy for the fite. oh yes, i has orlweighs bin particular hard on ded leaves, I can pouns and distroy them and tare them to bits enny time and with my fearsomness. menny a ded leaf has sufferd at my amaysing hunting skills. i orlso cort and eight an inseckt the uther eevning. this is orl corled tray-ning, hoomans doo it to practis working around on oanly to legs by carrying a tray, thats' wye its' corled, tray-ning, sea? simple.

I no that sum of yoo duz not bileeve that I doo my jobs propper cos sew menny of the fotos of mee i is asleep. well, this is cos I is such a farst moover that two menny fotos of me is bleurred when i moove.

ok, so hear is mee dooin three jobs:

gardin the cat fud
gardin the guardin by hidin in a flour bed wear i is ver well camyouflarjed (wot mean i is hard too sea sow take yore time if yoo do'nt sea mea at ferst)
out on petrole.

er, ackshirley, the uther job wot i is dooing and did on my oan inishativ my dad woz not sew pleesed and did not thank me!!! well, he put the woshin into the barskit and brort it in, rite? well, obveeussley yoo car'nt risk just leeving their like that, enny wun cood steel it (plus it looked ded cumfy and coazee), so I thort i wood lie on it to keep it safe. and i orlsew no that my mum has blowses wot if they is folded ver nicely doo not knead the full irony, so I woz giving thees nice blowses a nice press - sort of mini irony. my dad is out in the guardin cutting the grarss (yes, I no, aggen, yes, i no, i have tolde him it will gro back, yes, i no, he never lissens - hopeless), so i is giving the blowses a ver nice press and orl that and he cum in and get me off!!! well, theirs thanks four yoo, thats' the larst time i bother to help him owt bye showing inishativ, i can tell yoo!! (and it was ded cumfy to).

my frends has bin riting bout my dads' incredibly stoopid and boring poast, for wot i is ver sorree and he sez i car'nt take down (rotten meenee). and he is still chequing that it is still their sew i carnt' sneek on and take it off..........yet.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my frends n mee is orlsow trying to werk out this pew-bertie illness and orl that wot doo sound exteemlly narsty. there woz a black cat wot lived near hear and i think he had this illeness cos he woz ver ver rood and wood growl and yowl very lo and hiss and sware and thretton to scrach. but he oanly had wun frunt leg so he wood thretten with his stump wot woz not vary scary. but i think hee did not liv a long time.

well, baybees just doo cum from mr Mayhew home and how they orlso cum in litter trays with a few kittens i just do'nt no and nor duz osker. like paddee, i do'nt think we shood wurry two much about it and just enjoy hour food.

danl and roses has left for sarff wimbledon. this is a ver ver long weigh aweigh cos i has looked at my map of the werld and it is a long weigh on the black line, kneely to the uther end of the erth. the payrents helpd them moov and took lots and lots of stuff. they has a top cat of wun (ha ha) the small archy-bald-ness, two bee honest wot is top cat of WUN wot orlso make him BOTTOM CAT ha ha. well, he ai'nt gowing to be much yoos, not like me a propoer top cat. i is sorree they has gon cos it woz nice having them hear even if danl is jellus of mee and sez narstee things bout me, i forgiv him cos i is mateur.

This is the moast embarrassing thing ever ever ever on my blog.

My dad do'nt have a blog, rite? cos he two stoopid too set won up and cos he got nuffink too say ennyweigh. i duz not hav a compooter, rite, so has to yoos his pooter but i has lots and lots too say like wot is ver ver intresting and important.

my dad has been nagging and nagging me that he wont to borrow my blog so that he can show yoo these pickshers and tell yoo bout wot they are. i ca'nt stand it enny longer. so, really sorry bout this and yoo can stop reeding this.

they dun up a horl (dad sez yoo spell it HALL but that ridicyooluss cos it do'nt sound ennything like that) corled the festival horl and wen they opened the horl aggen they had a big party and stuff cos they think they soo clever. well, thats' totally stoopid, when my payrents pante the horl they do'nt have a big partee or ennything cos its' no big deel. ennyweigh, so they open the horl cos they finished painting it and have noo carpet ect. i arsk my dad wot it look like and he say that it look much the same, the carpet is the same grotty desine as beefour and the new seats are just as two smorll and uncumffy as the old wuns. well, ai'nt that tippical of hooman beans, eh?? car'nt get ennything rite and have no imaginayshon. reely sad. my dad say they have spent lots and lots and lots of munny maiking the horls' reverberayshon (wot?!?!?!?!?!?!?) longer so that the sound is wormer (whot is this man on about). its' only a horl. i mean we got a horl and yoo probbly got wun in yore home two.

enny weigh, the thing wot reely reely ecksited my dad is that their is his faverit bus ever out their. he luv this tipe of bus, it is corled the RT, and he wont yoo to no that they builded 4825 of them plus 1631 RTL with a ingin by Leyland wot he say woz yuk plus 500 RTW wot woz yuck Leyland ingin and was wider it had 8 feet rather than 7 foot 6 wide (6 wot, dad??). He say the RT have an ingin by AEC and purred luverly and was liter than the Leyland busses. (wot doo this orl mean?????? and it had 56 seats and a 9.6 litre engine and 115 break hoarse power. (please tell me wot he on about). and the boddeewerk woz by........no no no no eenuff!!!!!!

he orlso wont yoo too no bout the gear box (i is dying hear) wot is in the foto abuv, and had a pre-selecting new-matic gearbox. that mean the driver put the leever wear he wont four the next gear and then push down the cluch wot werk by air and make a little puff noise (bit like a fart?) no he say, not like a fart, and he look cross at mee. ok, this is sooooo interesting, dad, i is total fassinated, onnist. and yore pooter is luverly to.

i arsk him how cum he sew interested in busses ect, and he say that when he woz a boy he woz a bus spotter (he go round putting spots on busses - he not just totally sad but mad as well!!!!!!) and this woz his faverit bus. but he stoppt when he got pew-bertie (?????????????)

i say to him that I very sorree he got a bad disease corled pew-bertie. he look at me and frown. bodger, he say, wear doo yoo think baybies cum from?? that easy, i say, they cum from mr mayhew home, rspca, silly, but i no that not orl baybies cum from their (he look rilveeved) cos my frend osker has tolde me that if yoo has a litter tray, like wot wee doo not have, then yoo can get more baybies and kittens bornded in a litter tray than oanlee wun at a time. he look a bit wurrid at this and arsk how the baby is maid. i say it maid by mr mayhew home, sillee. then he arsk, wye doo i think that danl is with roses and doo the kissy kissy kuddle thing, i dunno, i do'nt doo it with runty even tho wee is frends and sertenlee not with gwen (yuk). well, he say danl and roses had got the pew-bertie thing and then they doo kissy cuddle stuff but i do'nt cos mr mayhew home dun a littel operyashon wen i woz little and runty and gwen has got spades (he maid a mystake hear and sed they woz spade, wot make no sense, but tippical of my dad).

thank gawd, at this point he giv up and i can go back too sleap. (do'nt wurry i will remoove this sillee poast when he not looking. cos it is reelee embarrassing.

i hope nun of yoo has ever had pew-bertie it sound lots werser than cat floo!

i is sooooo tired now.

Well, wot a serprise i had yesterday (that is the werd for the day wot has just gon, stoopid werd do'nt reely maik sens) - yoo do'nt say, yesternite, doo yoo?? no yoo say, larst nite. enny weigh. my serprise. i woz resting in the son in the guardin maiking shure everythink woz ok as eevening was starting when oskers' starff dun cum to meet me (she had too meet my dad as well, and then danl and roses but never minde). ackshirley, i think osker is maybee a bit hard on her as beeing a yoosless starff sum of the time, she seemed kwite nice reely but shood not have picked me up strait aweigh like that, altho beeing a polite cat i purred cos my dad woz their, and i has bin told i has to be polite to visiters (do'nt sea wye). and she doo say lots and lots of nice things bout how bootiful i is and wot a big boy ect ect ect, and a top cat ect ect, but nuffink i did not no orlreddy. but yoo has too bee nice when sumwon cum speshall to meat yoo and orl that.

but my dad reely doo not no how too treat gests sumtimes. we moove down to the pateeoh (runty doo flit about hear and their, and gwen doo a runner wen she sea a strainjer, as yoojooall, huh), my dad get out cushons for only too chares and then look at me when i sit on won, and the other he give to the starff lady. so my dad then have too get up too get annuther won for hisself, cos he car'nt ackshirley count to three liek wot i can (1 is me, 2 is me n runty, 3 is me n runty n yucky gwen - sea!!! good innit??). then they chat blah blah, she werk in an yoo-knee-ver-city like wot my mum doo (they is corled epidemics). they get up for a minit so i think i will swop to her chare and she can have mine - my dad say this is rood and orl. (i did this on sonday, my dad got up for a minit and i thort his chare woz nicer). but my dad doo not say too mee, pleeze, my luverlly top cat, that is my chare so leeve it as i will be back ver soon, no he just get up, so its' then mine if i wont it.

fourtune-eightly, the starff no her plaice and she simply moove round to my chare without no bother. wee duz disguss oskers' habbits of visiting uther houses and getting into vans and things but i say i can only advise him throo the blog that he kneads to be cairfull bout his territtorree and he shood not get into vans and cars and visit the chip shop and things or he mite get lost or sumthink, and hoo gards the territtorree wen he not their? dennace? fat charnse.

well, it woz ver nice to meat the starff and she dun shode me the respeckt wot I diserve and orl that, altho when she tride too stroke me when i woz bizzy woshing she neerly got a scrach cos she doo not no when i is bizzy and not too bee disterbinned........hmmm, maybee a cat as important as mee shood get a starff two????

my advise too osker and the uther too is to, maybee hang on too this starff for a bit longer beefour swopping her four an east-stone-ian or a polish or duster or wot ever. but she still need trayning and she may forl over aggen at enny time and brake things even when she hav not drunk lots of wine as she a farely yoosless byped - well, arnt they orl???

ps. lucky the starff did not cum a day erlier cos gwen woz just about to pop in throo the cat flap with a ver nice littel berdy in her mouth when my dad sore her and she popped into a boosh with it, cos she has this thing corled a fo-bee-a bout berds, wot i think means that she is not ver keen to have them in the house, like with the pijjon the uther weak.

ps. wot duz ps mean??? my dad sez it is la-tin (or sum kind of tin) and i wo'nt understand. he muttering bout sumthink corled passed participals and inglish yoosing them from la-tin, wot ever wot ever wot ever, blah blah blah. herrummff!!!!!!!!!!! i has more important things too doo than lissen too this rubbish, i has a petrole too doo than perhaps be on gard duty in the sun shine.

Well, now I has bin abel too eet the propper food aggen for a bit i has a ver ver happee tummee aggen, as yoo can sea from these luverly fotos of my luverly tummee. luverly luverly hills sigh-ence adult lite is back in a big big sack, hooray hooray horray!!!!!!!!!

now I has just scene that a big man corled loo-chee-are-no pavagrottee has died and i woz wotchin him on the telly and he cood hardlee work, he wood have to leen on sholders to work, ver wurrying. so i decided to get out corky the corky to play aggen. i is so farst with corkee that it do'nt look good on a foto, bit of a blurr with the speed i moov so this is won arfter i has finished playing. oh yes, i neerly cort a magpye the uther day, well not kwite, i woz pritty close to it and orl crouched down when the lucky berdy dun fly off, so no berdy in the house, like wot oskers' starff doo get in the house when she doo get the histeric's. this loo-chee-are-no! bloke go vincherro vincherro orl the time but my dad sez the big joke is that he nevver had a big eenuff voice to sing the part wot that noisee song cums from ha ha!! its corld calf or calaf or sumthink from Two-Ron-Dot (wot a silly silly name). dunno personly do'nt like this oprah thing. my dad sez he woz a tenner, well thats' a big number, ten, no wunder he woz so fat, he kneeded a hills sigh-ense food ten minus very light!!!!! i think this loo-chee-ah-no probbly gon too my dads' jim corled Fatness Fast. but, and this is ver important, he was oanly a tenner and i is eleven so i is hyer in the peckin order than wot he is, and he was far two fat too bee abel to petrole his territtorree wot must have bin pritty unimportant in the plaice corled modena cos not eeven on my map of the werld.

look, i wont too make wun thing ver ver cleer, ok??? i duz not follow the hoomans rownd when the cum home cos i is in need of lots and lots of strokes and woz lonely, i duz not get lonely when i is on my own, i follow the hoomans and let them stroke me lots sew that they feel sick-yure and they no that i has bin out petroling the territtorree and gardin evrythink. in fackt, i has a noo sleapin plaice cos my territtorree is sooooo big, but i is not gowing to say ware it is cos my dad sumtimes reeds this blogg, but he doo get cross if i is not their too doo my jobs like gardin the woshing and stuff wen it is beeing hanged owt - so i is dooing it aggen cos he complaned and moaned and moand cos i woz not their. and ackshirley, if my dad has too pop in too get sumthink when hanging out the woshing then he kneads me their to gard it, like wot i has had too doo too times this weak!!!!

and annuvver thing!! orl this stuff bout danl having a long jerney to kingstone and lookingafter orl the pay-shents wot is sick, blah, blah blah. wot abowt mee, gardin the plaice and orl that??? i no kingstone is a long weigh away cos on my map of the werld its' on won of the lines wot the hoomans fourgot too culler in. no i is not jelluss of danl and the attenshon he get but he is not shuvving mee down in the pecking order, i is telling yoo that for nuffink!!!!! and wot that bleedin roses dooin hear (ack-shirley, she kwite nice and give lots of stroaks but that not the point).

well thats' it four now. have a good weakened (thats' wot hoomans corl satterday and sonday - dunno wye).