Thoughts of a Top Cat

Yes, orl rite hear are sum fotos of Gwen so yoo can sea that she is fine and orl right. YUK! YUK! YUK! i fink she is ded ugly and is a midgit!

Ack-shirley, I cort her the uther day, tee hee. She was in der playroom on gard duty and i cum up behind her and growl at her to bugger off!!! and she bluddy ignored me!!! cheek!!!!!!!!! so I jumped on her back wiv clores out and wood have bluddy bashed her up but my dad seen it and he stopped me and chased me out of der cat flap. not that i care at orl not at orl cos i got her and my dad carn'nt fit froo der cat flap. grrrrrrrrrr!! bluddy good fun tho, tee hee!!!!!!!!!

runty tends to be cleverer like when whe woz out this mornin sniffin a bit of holly and i thort now thats' just der bit of guardin i wont to sit on, so i crept up behind her, tee hee to jump on her but she herd me and jumped off across der guardin. still i got a ver nice bit to sit on cos i is top cat and i can sit on any bit of guardin wot i like.

HOO der bluddy hell is diss on my chare!!!!!!!!! eh!!! bluddy cheak!! yeah, I walks into der room and find der bluddy runt on my chair, havin a barf and tryin to bite her tale off as yoojul. dis is not rite. its' not her chare i'ts mine, right!!!! and anyway she do'nt liek der playroom and never sleep in der and is orlways upstares. so wot she bleedin doin on my chair. and i cums in and i looks at her and doo she moov?? doo she?? no she bluddy do'nt!!!!!!!! she finishes tryin too kill her tale, barfs sum maw and den has a ver ver long sleap.

well, i do'nt like dat and I wont' count it as my chare no more if sh'es goin too yoos it. it dont' smell rite nyther. i is cross and will sleap on a hoomans lap for a bit and sleep on a settee or sumfink. she did'nt even arsk. i is top cat and i get to choose dese fings and i choosed dat chare!! hurrumfffff. hmm. i is cross. hmm....maybe i can find gwenny and bite her or sumfink or maybe il'l have a bite to eat and den have a nice little sleep and fink about it. cross, i is!! so wotch it, ok!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh yes, this is MY CHAIR!!!!!! and i will tell yoo orl about it!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!

Well, dis chare yoosed to live with Daniel wen he was a student of human vet stuff and he did'nt liek it and wonted to chuck it out. Oh no says my hooman parents we liek dis chare and we will have it. So dey brort it home and it lived in the frunt room. Now I is not aloud in der frunt room all der time cos of wen runty woz pissin and all dat so der dor is still kept shut most of the time wot is not fare cos i never dun nuthin rong etc etc etc. anyway so i di'dnt' get too sleep on my chair ver offen. der chare den went!! disappeard and woz not der. dey took it up stares cos der setteas had not arrived for der flat upstares wot has bin dun up so dey lent dem MY chare with out arskin me!!!!!!!! cheek of der hoomans.

well, wen der chare cum down dey put it in der playroom wot shud reely be corled my bedroom and its' brillant. as soon as it arrived i lept on wiv dat affletisism (difficult werd - i fink dats' rite) for wot i is famus and slept on it and maid shure dat it smelt of me. tee hee. and dat has kept der uvver cats off it, so its mine mine mine!!!!!!! and i can yoos it wen i like. i can barff on it. i can sleep on it. i can leave it for a bit ect ect ect. der hoomans is grumblin cos its' cuvvered in my furr but i do'nt care cos its mine mine mine. my chair and luvly wiv it. hooray and sucks to der uvver cats.!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (cos i still liek it)>

Der uvver nite there wer terrible bangs for about too or 3 nites and it woz horrible horrible. It was just as bad in the frunt room and upstares and everyware. I hid in der end behind my daddys' desk. Sum won sed it woz four a hindu festival corled Dear Wally. But why celebrate with terrible terrible bangs??????????? They may be narsty for hoomans but dey is much much werse for cats cos our here-ing is so much better than yours so it herts us much more. And runty wont go out to pea and duz it in der horl.

Now I has been told their will be lots and lots and lots more bangs cummin up starting ver ver soon cos of sum body corled Guy Forks or Spoons or sumfink; sum fink too do wiv burning a kaffer lick. I dunno but its' horrible and it makes me and der uvver cats ver ver frightened and miserable, and we all try to hyde sum ware safe.

Please stop these bangs and fings cos dey is horrible for all cats and dogs and even more yoosless animals.

Now these to pickshers tell diffrent stories. In der picksher on der left my hoomans has put out a chare four me with a cushon and I is just havin a ver short eye-close while lookin after all der gardin fings.

Four sum strange reason der hoomans has decided to pack orl der fernitsher away in der big shed (wot yoo has scene on an old blog with me on der roof). So, cos der is quite a lot to put away I is gardin dese chairs while der hoomans get der loungers and fings, after orl sumbody cood clime over der fence and steel dem if i woz'nt der to keep an eye or too and scare dem off in case.

Wot is bad is dat dey has also put away my green table wot i sits on outside der kitchin door and sits under sumtimes wen its' rainin and i is on gard duty. And dey do dis wivout arskin me!! Hey, Bodge, is it ok wiv yoo if we put away yore fernitcher and table and fings? Cos der arnser, ack-shirley, is - well, just hang on and leave me a chaire and der table, ok? I mean, hoo yooses der guardin most, dem or me?? Onestly, a cats' life is not orlways easy. But I is ver ver tolerant.

Now a few werds of advice; der are 4 seasonings in der yeer. Y, yoo may arsk, are der 4 seasonings and little bits in between in a year; springs, summer, oughtem and winter. Well, de arnser is I do'nt know. Pretty pointless reely and runty haites der winter, i is just two butch and tuff to be wurrid by such fings and i has ver thick ferr so i is alwrite and I has my deeootee to gard my territtorree.

Well, me n runtee is catchin der oughtem sun. and i is beein ver very nice and sharin my table wiv runty, ok???? it is corled oughtem cos yoo ought erm to make der best of it beefour der winter cums. winter is not reely ver nice cos it is cold and i has to petrole in der darke and wet alot wot i do'nt mind cos i has cats eyes and i is tuff. in der hous we has central heetin but it is not central, in der middel ownlee cos it is eatin evryware in der house and makin it luvly and worm. yoo cant orlways tel wot seasoning it is cos dey creep up and change wivout a bong of der clock.

in fackt der clocks change and go foreward and backward - not der clocks dem selves silly, day stay ware dey is but my dad has to work around der hous and der cars and der wotchis changin orl der clocks wot affects my brekfast time wivout askin me. now dat is silly. i mean how can yoo change time? do der werld jump a bit or do der sun take a leap forward or backward or wot ever 2 times each yeer? dont' make no sense to me. but den i dont' reely understand der sun - oh, day say in der summer, dont' catch too much of der sun. or. youv'e cort der sun!! i has tried to catch der sun but i cant' reach so i gose to sleap.

so if der wevver is niece outside now go out der and enjoy it. i does, runty dont' two much cos she preefurrs to sleep inside. time too leep owt affletickly. ta ta.

Now, you may have to click on this to make it more bigglier but its' quite fun!!! Dis cums from Barnet Hospital wot is such a good hostable that it has recently assessed as "weak" both clinically and managerially. So, we can expect good English for der patients.

Now diss notis is wot is givven to payshents wot has got a pacemaker to yoos for der ferst time, honest. Well, pacemakers is ded good, Paula Ratcliffe used a pacemaker wen she ran der fastest maraffon ever, wot is a long long way. And my dad says dat in der 60's (60's wot??? i arsk) Gerry had 3 pacemakers, How do you do it? You'll never walk alone. Fairy cross der Mersey [wots' a cross fairy?]. Well, yoo have a nice close look at dis luverly offishall notis and read the english and der way day use der propostroffee der capital letters and just der genral sense. At least i usully remember to use a capital letter at der beginning of a sentence and not for ordinary fing words like library. Makes me look brillant and shows der hospitable is a load of shit!!!!

Take a luk at diss. Yes I is not kiddin!!! Dese toilets has sex.

Now, as yoo no I simplee dusnt' under'stand wy hoomans do'nt just go in der guardin, find a nice quiet bit of erff, a bit privet, scrach a way a bit, sit down, doo der bisniss, cuvver it up and dats' it. Lick yore bottom if yoo nead two - which yoo ca'nt, huh, cos yoo is interior to us cats - and get on wiv it. Its' all ver environmental two.

But know, yoo has dese speshul places wot yoos lot's of worter. Well, anyway, I did not giv it anuvver fort except that der lids is closed at home to stop runty from drinkin from their; yoo ever see her baldy arse stickin out a toilet? not ver nice, more like a pencil sharpener wiv a bit ov furr.

Well, look at dese fotos from Barnet Hostable. Yes der toilets has sex. I fort a toilet was just a toilet, a fing, a sort of masheen but I woz rong. In the hospitable dey has sex, maybe have baby's too if dey put a male and femail toilet togevver, probly wy dey is seprate. too controle der baby toilet pop-you-lay-shon (hard werd dat to spel).

Wot it do'nt tell yoo is wot won too yoos. So der is der male toilets wot has willys' i suppose.

Der female toilets also allow yoo to change yor baby for a noo one and I thort babys' came from Mr Mayhews' Home RSPCA - well, yoo lern sumfing evry day. But der toilet for changin babies is unisex - wot means one sex - but it do'nt say wevver its' a toilet for boys' or girl's baby's (I is ver ver good wiv der propostroffee, do'nt yoo fink?), or if yoo put der baby in wiv one sex and it cum out wiv der same sex, or wot? I fink its' a shame dey di'dnt make it for both boy and girl babys' bi-sex - dats corled sexual recrimination!!!! and is ver ver bad. Its' like der places dat say unisex haircut but dont' say wevver its for men or wimmin, cos if it woz four boaff it wood have too say bisex. Write??? Rite!!!!

Now look at der turd picksher. Disabled toilet. Diss is der most stoopid of all!!!! If its' disabled do'nt put a bluddy sine on it, fix it!!!!! Mend it!!!!! Repare it!!!!! Den it wont' be disabled no mor. Know wunder dese hostables is owing so much munny and maiks mistaiks - dey is maikin stoopid sines insted of gettin on wiv der job!!!!!!!!! It maiks me cross!!!

Its' a bit like but diffrent from orl der sines wot says Disabled Parking. Well, if yoos' ever scene der whey loads of peeple park yood fink deyd has more spaces for der rubbish parkers. Dey maik der spaices bigger cos dey is soooo bad at parkin. Or dey cood giv dem parkin lessons so dey gets better and den yoo wont knead der disabled parkin spaces at all and yoo could hav parkin spaces for disabled peeple instead - brill idea!!!!!!!!!

Enny way, off on petrole now.

I is sorry but sumtimes I fink hoomans is so stoopid. I just reed it der whey it is.
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Huge won cos I is in der mood).

Now wot is diss you arsk?? well, diss is moslem wine. yoo sea, der muslems say dat it is der write to cuvver up der bottels and not show der labels and ackshull wien.

mr jack straw has said dat he wood like to be able to sea der lable beefour he drinks it as dat is wot we duz in dis cuntry as it helps drinkin and beein frendly. but der moslems say no no no, dey shood not have to show der label and he shood not even arsk it and shame shame shame.

well, i must say dat i liek to sea my fud wen i eats it and i like to be abel to luk into der boles when i drinks from dem. mind yoo, cuvrin der wine doo make it nice and cosy and keep it nice and worm.

hoo let runty hav a go on my blog, ay??????? bluddy cheak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, soh sh'es not barmy then eh? so hoo els works around four half der day wiv water on der brain cos she gets drinks from der wosh basin upstares and sticks her ned under der tap and gets wet rite in der middle of her hed wer shes' supposed to have a brane!!!! and hoo vommed rite into her food bowl and dun a pee pee behind der front daw???? not me i can tell you dat. and hoo is compleeetly bonkers bout her tale?? me?? no sur!!!!!!!!!!

and how menny bleedin pickshers do she nead of herself???????? forty fousand million???????

and I is NOT fatt, ok!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i has alot of polly un saturets in my body and dey is essenshull wen i is out on petrole.

and runtys' spelin makes me larff, ha ha ha. she doant' spel der wey fings sound, its' just ridicluss sum of her spelin. ver sorry bout dat. if yoo do'nt spell der way fings sound hou yoo goin to get it write? ho, hum.

luk, diss is my blog and i duz not wont to find uvver cats in der famly reye-tin hear behind my back when i is owt der gardin der territtorree just liek i shood. cos i tel yoo it can get ver nasty - der woz won up der rode only der uvver day; der long hared jinjer woz bout too have a fite wiv a black tom from furver up der rode. now dat is reely pushin der gingers' territtorree and i fink der woz goin too bee a nasty bit of a fight but i di'dnt' hang around to find out.

if runty wonts a blog of her own too put down her forts she can set won up. ders' sharin and ders' sharin and she shood have arsked. hrrrrumph!

It's pretty rare for me to get the opportunity to write something here so I better get on with it quickly before fatso - I mean, the lovely Biggles - notices that I am here. Hence all the wonderful photos of beautiful moi, which I will explain in full, as I sometimes think Biggles gives a rather distorted view of my lifestyle, having had a chance to scan back over some of his entries, which are hardly mature.

First of all, the laundry basket is not HIS!! Ok? I can sit on it if I want, too. Well, he sits on it most but only because he is top cat, well I let him think he is. He has this very irritating habit, petty and pathetic really, of pretending that he just has to sit on a particular bit of grass or path where I am quietly lying or having a wash and chasing me off for no reason at all. Well, of course, I can outrun him any time but it is so petty and tedious but I put up with it for the greater good, and actually we do get on pretty well, even though he is very needy and always needs stroking and reassuring either from me or the humans.

Yes, I do prefer to live upstairs and to sleep on a particular part of a bed, I choose the foot end so as not to disturb the humans; here you can see me on my current favourite place at the foot of my mummy's bed (even though she has disappeared again!! oh dear, this is very hard for a cat, you know, to have your mummy abandon you so very often). Certainly, I do need a very good sit on my daddy and a very very good cuddle at some point each day and evening, and I tell him in no uncertain terms. As you can see from these rather lovely photos of me, I like to sit on him, sleep on him and also sometimes bath, scratch etc etc, as long as he doesn't figit too much. I do sometimes sit on him downstairs but I don't purr there in case the midget, Gwen - vile little verminous beast that she is - gets any funny ideas. I don't see why I am tortured every night by being taken down to the play room, it is a cat's right to choose, and I choose to sleep upstairs; it is an affront to my feline rights to remove me and to place me down stairs. If you read this, please help me against this terrible cruelty I suffer every evening.

I also felt it was about time I showed my full beauty to you all. I am not a manky, runty, baldy, half bonkers runt-of-litter bit of mog, but a very fine example of the British Short Hair with very unusual markings. I am also extremely loving.

Where does my name come from you ask? My official name is Tosca, and I am named after the great Puccini opera heroine who probably looked alot like me. My dad added "Runt" on when he heard the name my mummy gave me; I suffer this. But my mummy calls me "nu-nu" and that is very nice. So, I have come to accept all the names, even Runty, sigh.

I also want to say a word about my personal drinking habits, not that I should have to. I prefer running water it tastes so much nicer, why should I accept anything else? Sometimes, I have to wait for hours and hours and hours for a proper drinkand then I go nearly crazy!!! And then I need several, but why should I drink from nasty dank, manky bowls? Would you? Just because the others have no taste. As for my supposed "flabby bits", they are not flabby bits but part of a lady's construction to accommodate a widening of those regions should one be fortunate enough to bring forth the next generation, just because the midgittt doesn't have them under her long, thick, lush fur is irrelevant.

Finally, I must address certain areas of character assassination. First, my bladder habits; has anything happened in recent months? Has anything? No!! Enough said; just the occasional vom of my breakfast here and there. You see, I am of Egyptian decent, as you can see in the photos, and had I been able to live in a beautiful dry warm climate that meets my needs, with a stream of gentle running water nearby there would never have been any problems. But I am a displaced feline and must suffer in this dank foreign land.

As to my tail. It is not my tail!!!! It is an evil being with a mind of its own that continually provokes me. I can only take so much provokation before I must retaliate, and despite its best efforts to escape my clutches, I will catch it, oh yes, and then I punish it by biting it and biting it hard, let me tell you, and it then hurts me!!!!!!!! This is not a split off part of me, as some have said!!!!! Nor is it self-mutilation!!! It is bad, it is evil and it will never ever ever gain victory over me!!!!!!! I am on my guard!!!!! I will prevail!!!!!!!

Oh, I am most terribly sorry about that. I am alright now.

As for Biggles. Look, he's actually a pretty good natured sort of chap on the whole but he does have his ways, and if you will forgive the pun, he likes to throw his weight around a bit. He has this idea that because we let him be Top Cat largely because he's too stupid to take orders from anyone else, he actually runs things. Well, never mind, I don't want to criticise him too much as he is, on the whole, a pretty good chap despite his silly ideas about being tough. And I would certainly never accuse him of cowardice.

Actually, I need a drink, yes a drink, a drink, now now now, and then I can go back to sleep.