Thoughts of a Top Cat

As yoo no normally wen runty doo drink from her fave-rit tap she doo get water on der brane cos she stick her hed under der tap, drink from der wosh bay-sin and it get orl wet on top and she then have a damp hed for quite a long time wot she do'nt reely like, speshally in winter, the wet soke throo too her brane and she get lots of short sir-kits and get eeven madder than she is jump about and bite her tale ect ect.

well she hav shown that she is not total stoopid cos she has tort herself a noo teckneek for drinking from her fave-rit tap so that her hed doo not get wet no more. well, dun, runty, wee say. of corse, wen i occayjonally has a drink from der tap in der barth downstares i drink strait from the worter streem ennyweigh but that cos i is sew much maw cleverer than runty enny weigh - but wee orl new that, did'nt wee!

runty tork too der pay-rents much more than i do. i dus chat a bit wen they is ver stooopid but when she up stares in her territtorree air-reea wot she shares with me, she orlweighs deemarnding and torking lots and wont her way - but she do'nt tork down stares and she do'nt purr ny-ther cos its gwens air-reea (eck-sept the kitchen, wot we orl share - mind yoo, wen runty and gwen meet in the kitchen the language am sumthing shocking i can tell yoo as a nice polight cat, they doo not share nicely at orl!)

is'nt this orl sew ver ver intresting.

I do'nt beleeve it!! He dunn it aggen!!! He cut der grarss orl short!!! yoo can sea mee looking up and down der guardin in der pics. He doo this evry yeer. Its not just me grumbling and beeing cross cos i has lost orl my cam-you-flarge. I is cross cos i has lost orl my cammyouflarge so it makes petroling der territtorree that much maw complicated cos I ca'nt hide down in the long grarss. But wye doo he doo it??? cos i tell yoo i has wotched der grarss evry yeer over der years and i tell you egg-sackly wot will happen - it will grow back aggen, it orlweighs doo so wot der point in cutting it????????????

my dad say i look orl four-lawn!!! and then he larf alot. i dont' get it and i think he is sad.

Now der whether has bin reely grot since he cut it. In fackt, he keeps going round saying, oh, ar'ent i clever to get the second cut dun quick in der nick (hoo he?) of time, cos the rain has started, and it reigned just about orl the time since. And he seem pleased with this!!! But i can sea that it is orl-reddy growing back and cos the whether is so grot and wet and windy now lots and lots of leaves has blown down off the trees ontoo the grarss. And grarss do like der reign for growing more quicklier. (Ack-shirley, if hee ever took a close look at der grarss he wood sea that it is harf moss ennyweigh, but he do'nt doo hee?)

wye is leaves corled leaves? obviuss. cos they leave the trees and forl down. ok?

so the grarss is short (and noing him he will cut it aggen and aggen orl summer) i has no camyouflarge, and he is stoopid and it mean that he will get out the noisy grarss cutter thingy aggen and wake me up when i is resting in my territtorree and runty am orlso woked up, and it do'nt even give us extra toilets the way way der weading doo.

I is so cross that i is going four a sleep.

PS der private hej out frunt am orlso growing farst with the reign. he have cut this two, do'nt sea wye. its corled a private hej cos it keeps yore frunt guardin private so wood be much better if he just let it growed. speshally since the worl woz forling down so they had it taken aweigh. my mum wonts a new worl but my dad sez its post modernist (we never had a worl throo the post!!) and a homarj(?) too tracey emin. [I said, now emin now emout - but my dad did not think this was funny, he got no sense of humer].

Wich picksher is anuther ded mouse wot gwenny has popped on the patio and witch picksher is a compleet runt sun bathing on the guardin table??? Ha! ha! ha! (Hear is a kloo: won of dem has flabby bits and not enuff feur).

Is der mous on der left (or is that rite) or on der rite (is that left)? Is der runt on der write (or is that left?) or on der left (or is that wright?)?

eek, my dad hav scene this and he say it in ver bad taste and I shood not poast it. I say how can he tell cos he has not tasted der mouse or runty? he sez that orltho runty is bonkers there is no maliss in her and she is sweet, well their is no maliss in me either only hills sigh-ens. and this is MY blog not his!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? but i got to be cairfull with him at the moment cos he all cross and grumbly agen cos he ca'nt wotch der crickets on der telly cos you can only sea them in the Sky and he wo'nt pay rupert murder-ch to look at the sky!!!!! (bonkers; it do'nt cost nuffink to look at der sky and their ai'nt no crickits their but yoo dont' argyou with him bout this thing - i thort it was summer madness but larst winter he woz reely reely cross cos he coo'dnt wotch der crickits' ashes cos of der sky - it orl yere madness burning crickets sew yoo can look at the ashes! but then he gettin old and der minde am gowing. eek - hope he do'nt reed this)

This is a very kwick kwizz four yoo. Are these pickshers of a fry-ten-ing lion in der jungle like wot yoo sea in der telly progroms of David Attenberger or is it a ver fry-ten-ing, tuff and brave cat on petrole in der long jungly grass of his terittorree beeing brilliant at der camyooflarj??? Now, I is giving no cloos at orl this time but I wood be scared if I did'nt no it was me.....or, dam, do'nt reed that bit.

Acksherley having a top cat is ver ver yoosfull. Sum ver nice naybores (thats' like peeple wot live ver near to us, sort of on the edge of my territtorree) has been bergled too times in the last few months and necks door too them to - my dad helped alot the ferst time. Burgling is ver horrid, it is when peeple brake yore home to clime in and take yore things. My mum and dad sez they woz bergled several times and moor than once quite a long time ago but has not been burgled since they got me wot is hardly surprising cos probly the berglars has seen me in der guardin and think ooh we had better not try to brake in their cos there is a pritty frytening top cat on gard!!!!! My dad say; correlation does not indicate causation to witch i sed; quod est demonstrandum, and he went off in a huff beefour I cood arsk him wot it ment. nuff sed.

Last saterday my dad put on the telly too wotch sumthing corled the Last Mug......or the Final Cup.........or the Cup Final, enny weigh sumthing like that. I has never wotched this beefour but he wonted too sea sumthing new and speshall corled der new wemberleee. I do'nt no wot a wemberlee is but i no my payrents woz not pleesed bout der bilding and thort it woz brillant that it took sow long, cos they sed their woz an old wemberlee and it ment that lots of peeple played or visited der old wemberlee (still not shaw if it is a game or a plaice) and lots of horrid peeple maid our tube stay-shun and tube line scary too go on - cos they go without mee to protect them.

Enny weigh, so my dad swiches on the telly a few mins beefour three and their is the most terrible terrible noise like peeple being torcherd (?torch-herd? - new werd four mee to rite) but my dad eggs-plained that it woz too wimmin trying too sing. huh - this woz a joke of his but he sed he woz seereeuss. One woz sarah not very briteman der ex mrs lord andrew lloyds bank and der uther had a blokes name corled leslie grabbit or sumthing, hoo thinks she can sing cos she dun low grade oprah and telly. Well, it woz trooly terrible so my dad switch the telly off strait aweigh. He say that there egos is so big that yoo cood'nt fit one of them on a 46 inch plasma screen and (now I has to rite this wright cos he is wotchin me) there talent is in inverse proporshon too there egos - do'nt understand. My dad say he wunce sore leslie grabbit on her telly pogrom sing a doo-ett with a lady corled Renee Fleming and he just larfed cos he sed how can leslie grabbit bee sew stoopid too think she can sing with renee fleming wot is a reel classy bootiful singer and just make her look wers. I did not sea this four-two-nately.

Ok, so my dad then say he going to a place or bloke corled der jim cos it will be empty with the Mug Final thingy on and it boring. Wen he cum home i is weighting and he say we can wotch the larst 5 minits but then they play lots more - rong agen dad - and i wotch with him. it is sew silly wot i sore i has too tell you.

these men, rite, wont too play with a borl wot is fare enuff i likes to play with a borl sumtimes but they has'nt got enuff, they has only got won and theirs lots of men wot wont to play with it - stoopid hoomans agen. look, i has corky the cork to play with and its mine and i has too corky the corks. won is corled corky-the-cork number wun and the other is corled corky-the-cork number wun; brilliant innit, i named them myself so i wood not forget!! and i can play with won or the uther and the feemails no they is mine and leave them aloan.

well, cos these men ownly has won borl they is having too chaise around to have a tern and not weighting there tern. sum of the men woz waring blue and sum red and they orl had numbers on there back and there names cos they cood'nt remember hoo they were!!! sum had funny names I ca'nt remember, sum had there surnames like Schooles and Biggs and Lampost, sum had their first names like Terry and Ronald-o and Ferdinand, tippical hooman miz up. Won woz corled Heinz like in the baked beens wot is disgusting!! Has yoo ever looked at baked beens? disgusting!! they look just like wen runty doo vom up her brekfarst of you-can-yoober yoorinerry oxilate speshal diet food like wot she dun yesterday mourning. she dun vommed her brekfarst too times this weak - wunce over her bole of food and der flaw wot my dad had to cleen up and throw aweigh the food and wosh her bole and then on the pat-ee-oh yesterday. pointless, never understood this vomming of food, it such a waist. my mum dun a big vom the uther day and she now bin in bed for a few days and i is dooing sum nersing wen i is not sleeping.......er on petrole in the son.

so the men is running about for a tern of the borl and the reel joke is they keep forling over or bashing each uther over, wot is not ver nice, and they is so stoopid that they ca'nt cach the borl or pick it up. reely!! sea - this shose how stoopid der hoomans is as ever. cos they run on too legs not for like wot i duz they forl over lots (like oskers' starff dun and broke her rist ver bad wen she woz not drunk as shee keep saying - how she opening her wine at der moment? probbly getting paddy's mum to help). but, my dad keep saying, i has horizontally opposed thums and can doo lots of things like wot yoo ca'nt do (yeah, rite, like i need them as i got my clores ect) but these men is soo stoopid that they ca'nt even catch the borl, well, i think too of them dun cach it but the rest cood'nt werk this out. ha ha ha.

enny weigh, sew they run and run around four a tern of the borl and that just about orl they doo. oh yes won bloke ckicked der borl into a fishing net thingy won time and seemed very happy and his frends, wot cood not remember his name so he have it on his back, did lots of yukky cuddling thingy. and the uthers (ca'nt remember if it was the reds or the blues wot woz happy) seemed cross cos they wonted a tern too doo this to. enny weigh that woz enuff so we stopped wotching as that woz orl they did orl the time, honest. and that woz it. i wotched and wotched to sea if they wood doo sumthing different or intresting but they did'nt. that woz it!! and then wun bloke woz given a big mug thing and lots of peeple cheered. and then they orl went home.

cos they woz soo narsty too each uther they had to have a pay-rent daddy tipe person their hoo had too have a big noisy wissle to blow to stop the uthers from beeing horrid too each uther, wot happened lots and lots. ver ver bad bee-haiv-ia, tsk tsk.

i do'nt think i will ever understand hoomans.

hear is my advise from a top cat too make this game corled der Mug Final or Cup Final or the Wemberlee better if it must happen agen, and noing hoomans it will. If the silly men are not going to share nicely der borl and take terns like wot i is orlweighs beeing told too doo with the feemails (huh) and danl and zo woz orlweighs beeing told too doo with there frends wen they came too play wen they woz little, then get more borls so that evry boddee has a borl too play with of there oan and then they wo'nt get cross and fite for it in the weighs wot woz not at orl nice to wotch. orlso they will find it much much eesier if they orl use there hands and there horizontally opposed thums that they are so proud of having and think that make them sooooo soopeerier to cach the borl it wood stop running aweigh from them. this shood not bee two difficult eeven for stoopid hoomans to lern yoo wood think - but i has little hope of this from parst expeerience of hooman bee-hay-via.

simple. i think this Final Cup thingy sho agen just how stoopid hoomans is, and how narsty they can bee too each uther, and i think they shood not doo it agen until they has lerned to play nicely toogether.

it orlsow show yet agen that that mr darwin and his thee-oh-ree of eva-lotion woz compleetly rong and that hoomans is pritty low down and not the pin-aikle of eva-lotion like wot he thort.

my dad met a naybore wot i do'nt know cos she lives the uther side of the Big Road wot i never go near cos rex (wrecks?) wot lived beefour me once got ver ver lost (he woz ortistic) and long way from der house and der territtorree and woz lost for weaks and weaks and weaks and den woz found and brort home and ate 3 suppers!!! and never went far aweigh again.

well, my dad met this laidy wot had 3 cats like us; 2 wot she got and woz there mum and 1 wot cum to them and took them on as staff and lived with them. and she told my dad that orl 3 of her cats had dide in the last few munths, and mr uncle josh our vet could not save them, and now she has no cats and now she is sad. she wunders if it woz a vye-russ. i do'nt know wot a vye-russ is but i shall be extra alert on petrole - even when my eyes is a bit closed - so we duz not get no vye-russes in my house!!!!

my dad sed too the ladee that she shood go and ask mr mayhew-home rspca for sum noo cats and she sed she do'nt wont old, maingee cats but wonts kittens. my dad sed that yoo can get kittens from mr mayhew-home like wot wee woz. i think she shood cum round and meet me for a chat bout this and sea how brilliant i is, and also sea just how bootiful gwen is (yuk yuk) but i think we have to keep runty hiden cos she is such a runt even if i quite like her.

but wee is all very sad hear for this lady joodee and her husband val, and for der cats wot is no longer with us, of corse.

I am sumtimes amazed at the compleet ingorance of hooman beans. hoomans corl der compooter thing on the left (or is that rite?) a mouse. (sigh). sew, hear is a bit of edjukayshun. der fing on der wright (or is that left?) is a propper acktual mouse. gwen has popped a cupple of mouses on the patio this larst weak. did i sea her? no but i duz not catch mouses. I has played with mouses for a bit and it can be good fun but i is not a killer of them but she did not eat ither. it is a bit wet from orl the reign but woz pritty fresh so hear is a picksher for yore ejucayshun..

So, if their is hoomans reeding this let us look at the diffrences, ok? cat's nead not reed no maw cos they will no wot i is torkin about strait away.

one is ver small and tiny and one is quite a bit bigger - guess wich. won is a furry little thing and one is plasticky smoothy - which won? won has a tale and won has a why-yer - getting the idea? one is a little animal wot scutters around der gardin on its own and run away from cats and the uther sits on a desk buy a compooter and do'nt doo nuthin unless a hooman moves it. won has got for legs and the other has nun. one has no clicky buttons or wheely bits and one duz.

ok, i hope buy now yoo have werked out wich is a mouse - cos if not yoo is excepshonal stoopid.

how cood enny body have ever corled the compooter thingy a mouse? it do'nt look nuthin like a mouse and its' the rong size. duh! its' two big!!!! its' the size of a rat or a berd. so why not corl it a rat or if yoo wont to corl it sumthing relating to the top animals of orl yoo cood corl it a mere cat? click on the rat or mere cat ect. or just do'nt corl it arfter an animal at orl if yoo is so bleedin ignorant, blind and stoopid.

nuff sed. i win as yoojall.

PS Gwen dun left annuver mouse on the pateeoh tooday. that makes too add won, wot is a bit big as a some four me......er......lots.

My dad sore this at a roman fought and i woz so shocked i thort that it woz a scandal (dunno wot that is but my pay-rents yoos that werd when they is reely cross bout things like eye-rack, pee eff eyes ect). this woz seen at a roman fought. it let's peeple put there baybee in this sort of little house place and yoo can get a new one instead, a sort of swop plaice!!! well, i is shocked that hoomans wood doo such things!!! i no that when my payrents first got danl home they wonted to swop him cos he did'nt cum with a OFF swich and he woz ver ver happy not to sleap when the payrents woz ver keen to have a sleep, and i can understand this cos i like my sleep and i has a sort of inside on/off switch. but they was not aloud to swop danl cos they did not find this baby change plaice of four jays back then.

how duz it werk? well, i suppose yoo go in orl polite and say sumthing like, good mourning i has a baby wot i has had for a bit and i wood like to change him or her for a noo won cos this is not quite the won i wonted. and they say; certainly, we has a few hear, wood yoo like to take a look and choose a noo won and we will sea wot we can doo with yores? maybee der baby change plaice cood link up with mr mayhew home rspca, ware i come from and then yore cat cood go along their and say look, i need to swop my hoomans, they is not ver satsifdc....satisfacktry.......good and i need to find sum new wuns. but it wood be terrible if der hoomans wonted to get rid of the cats and the cats woz happy in there house and did not wont to leave - ooh, that wood be terrible. babys is ok to swop but not groan up cats wot is settled and orl that with hooman payrents or staff.

beefour leaving i had better eggs-plain wot a fought it; one of them interesting werds i has not yoosed beefour hear. well, in roman times, wot woz beefour i woz bornded (I no, crazy idea that), so probly bout when danl woz bornded or sumthing like that, long time ago. if yoo woz going to do lots of fighting and yoo wonted to win yoo wood bild a place to fite from and this is corled a fought, cos yoo fought from it. and they woz ver good coz yoo then had a good chance of winning the fight with a good fought. simple reely. orlweighs glad to help eggs-plain the misteries of langwidge cos i can werk these things out.

I thort yoo mite like to sea mee ack-shirley at der puter werking at my blog. Well, tie-pin is not that easy four a cat but cos i is clever with my pours i can manage to put down my grate thorts and news stuff four yoo orl too reed. yoo corl der fing you tiep on der tie-per so when yoo doo it it is corled tie-pin. I is all-sew sitting at my desk wot my dad sumtimes sez he needs to you's wot is not ver considerate of him when i knead it, in the summer i minde less cos i will sunday bayth in der guardin and sumtimes i will rest sumware else.

the thing on the left (or is that rite?) what is a bit shiney is corled by my dad a mouse. now, forgiv me cos as a cat i is just a bit of a egg-spurt on mouses, alot more than hoomans is, and this ai'nt nuthin like a mouse! i has played with mouses quite a bit, speshly when i woz yunger and gwenny wood bring them in and give me tern or i wood find won for myself. mind yoo gwen did not bring them in too play with but as a taisty snack. sumtimes she wood eat it orl and just leave a tale, sumtimes she wood eat bout harf and leave the rest and sum times she wood not be botherd to eat it at orl but just liked the carrying and killing bit - she a bit older now and doo it less. my dad did say to her, please to eat it orl up rarther than leaving him to have too clear up half a eaten mouse but he sed it woz a good biology lesson for him (he nice yoo sea). as yoo no i eats only mr hills science food sow woz not bothered about the mouses four food.

why, yoo arsk, oh egg-spurt, is this shiney thingy not like a mouse? 1. it is two big. mouses is small, sweet, furry creetures and this is much two big, it is the size of a rat. 2. it do'nt have a head and we no that orl animals has a hed. 2. it is orl shiney and have no fur - nuff sed on that. 2. it do'nt have no legs nigh-ther. 2. it dont' have no furry little wiskers like wot we animals has. 2. it got clicky buttons on it's top like wot i has never scene in any animal and never scene in nun of the telly progoms of mr david attenburger. sorry my dad sez he is a "sir" (wot ever that is) ok; mr david sir attenburger (ok? now go away and leve mee too doo my werk, hurrumff).

in conclusjon, it do'nt look nuthing like a mouse at orl and if hoomans wo'nt too corl this thingy after any animal it shood be RAT! but that tippical of hoomans and there ignorance and stoopidity. personally, i do'nt find it easy to use the rat at orl not having a horizontally opposed thum, so i has had to lern orl the comands bye yoosing the Ctrl button and pointy arrow quays and things.

nice fotos, eh? i is a pretty good lookin chap even if i say sow myself - yoo can see the intelgence....intel-gents.......ineligence...................er........brains!!!

late eddition, added later: erm, ackshirley, there woz a ded mouse on the patio and gwen did not tell dad or me about it (well, she woul'dnt tell me, wood she?) and it had bean their four a bit, so woz not ver nice when my dad cleared it up after the rain and flies and stuff. And it do'nt look nuffin like wot is on the compooter (mind yoo i has never left a pooter mouse out in the rain and stuff but I do'nt expect it looks like the dead won!!

this is a picksher of me on gard dootee - but yoo do not need to be fry-tend cos its' only a picksher.

Ho hum, der payrents went away agen but only for won nite. I tell when this is happening cos they get out der suit cases. If yoo is wundering wot a suitcase is I will tell you: it is quite a big case, it can be small big, meedium big or big big. It is corled a suit case cos it is the case that suits yoo for that hol. So, for egg-sample, my dad climes up to der cubbord wear der suit cases is kept and he arsks my mum wot case she wonts and when he gets it down, she say; "yes, that case suits me". Sea? Just thort I had better eggs-plane. Sumwun sed its' a case wot yoo put a suit in but thats' stoopid cos a suit is small and thin and only needs a little bag. Sum peeple is just plane ingorant.

Enny way, these woz not big cases like when they went to see the lady corled Florence (or Frenzy in Florenc'es language) by boat (remember, my mum kept saying do'nt forget you rows, and he sed I no - but they come back in sumthing corled a plain, but a plain wot I do'nt no cos the peeple in a place corled Meridiana left their suit cases - sea, remember wot it means - behind and they did not cum four three days!!! and they woz cross. they left orl the peeple on the plain thing and took off orl there cases - enny weigh thats' not wot i is wrighting about today).

So enny way, this time the popped off for a little bit for a sandwich wot is near kenterberry or kent for short, to stay with the deemons. I went out frunt and sore them leave. the thing is it is reely hard werk being in charj of the hole hous as well as the guardin. And runty orlweighs gets upset and doo a pea wot do not smell nice; she doo it behind the frunt daw so they smell it wen they cum back strait a weigh. I tell her not too cos the pong aint' nice but she do'nt lissen cos she get sooooo cross that she hav to drink from boles whot she dont' like, she only like der tap for a drink. gwen just keep quiet thank goodness and i has too doo orl the werk. they leave us with food and worter and thats' ok, alltho i have to keap an I on it, to make shure the gerls do'nt gobble it orl up in wun go, thats' why i is at the boles such alot.

then when they cum home i has to sit on them bothe and follow them arround so that they can stroke me lots and lots just to reashure them that everything is orl rite. and runty need to sit on my dad and gwenny need stroaking two. but i duz not need it cos i has mist them, oh no not at all, it is cos they has missed ME, sea? and they need to stroke me lots so that they feel orl wright at home again, and I sits on them and things just to calm them and orl that, and go flollop on the floor or carpit lots so that they can stroke me and sea my luvly tummy.

i think sum of yoo think that like i get loanly when they go aweigh even just wun nite, well i do'nt, ok!!!!!! it'snot true, us top cats duz not get loanly and fry-tend at orl. i just do'nt like having to gard so much territtorree orl on my own cos normaly i let share der gardin of der hous wiv der hoomans and I do orl of der guardin. its' tye-ring having so much responstability and havin too bee in charge orl der time that i can hardlee get a wink of sleap. enny weigh, they cum back wot is orl that matters.

I has to tell yoo wot is happening lots on der telly cos it is sooo very stranger. men are snooking together, cos they try to snooker each other on telly at a time wen childern cood be wotching!!!! wot is snooker you are rite to arsk? it is won of the straingest things i has ever seen hoomans doo and they seem too doo it for ours and ours, i can close my eyes for the odd few minits (or longer) and I can open them and they is still doing it, honest, and it look just the same to me.

ok, hear is wot snooking or snooker is. 2 groan men stand at a table where-ing waist coats. wot is a waist coat? it is like a jacket wot dus not have no sleeves and the won plaice it do not go is around yore waste!!!! only hoomans wood think of a name like that!!! well der too men, with dickey bow ties stand around a big table wot has lots and lots of balls on it, some are pritty colours. they each has a long stick, nearly a poll, and they hit balls but not in an ordinary way. no, they only hit won white ball wot then hits anuther ball or moor. oh, ho, you say, just a minit, that must mean that the flaw is covered in balls all the time??? well, you is rong because the table has got an edge too it so that the balls do'nt fall off but can bounce off the sides. so, the men take it in terns to hit a white ball wot hits anuther ball - and thats' it!!!!! but their is moore to it if yoo wotch for a bit. oh, yes. the table has got holes in it!! honest!!! not kidding, a table with holes!!! 6 i think but thats' lot's four me to count, and quite offen the silly men hit the balls and they fall into a hole, clumsy!!! this obviously happens alot cos they put stringy pocket things to catch the ball when this happens and their is anuther man wot wheres white gluvs wot take's the balls out of the holes and puts them back on the table wot wood not be necessary if the clumsy men with the sticks did'nt let the balls fall in in the first plaice!!!! also if they maid the room a bit warmer then the therd man wood not need to ware gluvs. so tha'ts wot they doo!!

and this therd man say orl sorts of strange things like "brake" and give a number!! well, if he want to stop the balls why doo he shout brake orl the time, balls is not like a car, they have no brakes, stoopid, eh?? then uther men wotch orl this wot yoo cant' see and they say things like - oh, he's kissed the pink on the way throo" (disgusting!!! yuk yuk!!! kissing balls - dogs lick them orl the time I has seen it and now groan men kissing their balls on telly!!! i shut my I's), he needs to screw back (what that mean????) to be on a red or the black or what ever. then cos something is broken they have to rubuild it or sum rubbish like this - yes, they say, his break-building is very good in this match. well, matches will brake cos they is only maid of thin would. then they start talking bout guardenin; a long pot, a short pot, oh he's taking the pot on, yes hese going for the plant, etc. and hoo this man corled john with a parrot wot he keep hidden hoo then tork silly wen they get the bawl's out for the necks tern?

and then lots of peeple clap. or they clap lots if the wite ball get stuck behind anuther bawl (big deal!!) and they say, oh, that good, he snookered him!! just cos the white ball hiding. this seems to be thort speshal clever.

so, yoo arsk, wot happen in the end? well the man with wight gluvs get fed up with taking the balls out and he just let the too men with sticks hit the white ball to hit the uther bawls until they have all gone in the wholes and their is nun left. ah, good, yoo think, it is now all over. nope. the man with wite gluvs take all the balls out of the pockets under the holes wear the too clumsy men has hit them, he put them back on the table and then they start again, and he tell which man can brake something first - fred bloggs to break.

so wot has happend? too men has worked around a big table lots and taken a stick and hit a ball wot hits anuther ball wot sumtimes go in a hole in the table. anuther man with wight gluvs helps them by putting the balls back on the table when they go in a hole until he get fed up and then he let them hit the bawls until theirs nun left when he then get them out and they start again. well, hears my suggestshuns to make it all over much quicklier:

1. have moor wholes in the table speshally in the middle bit cos then yoo cood hit the balls in faster if thats wot yoo wont too doo.

1. dont' have no holes in the table and then yoo wont' have to have a frend to get the balls out for yoo when they fall in a hole.

2. hit lots of balls first and not just the wite won.

2. let the uther man have a tern with the stick, it is very shellfish the whey he never get a tern.

2. stop taking the balls out of the wholes. once a ball has gon into a whole then you have lost it cos yoo is clumsy.

2. let moor peeple have a tern.

3. stop hooman men from beehayving in such a very very silly whey.

i feel ver ver sorree for hooman men if this is wot sum of them doo with there time when they cood be out on petrole protectin their territtorree or getting lots of exercise chasing a cork or sumthing yoosfull in life. but i has lernd wun thing from this cos its' corled der werld championshp and i has lernd just how big der werld is!!! cos their is peeple from a long long weigh aweigh in it; from ingland, scotland, whales and higherland - sow, now I no that is der hole werld. and canada (or canada water too give it it's fool name) is in lunden ingland on der docklands lite railweigh. sea, wot yoo can lern is outside yore territtorree!!

Now, ferst of orl wot is this bout putting dried plums on der trees, yoo may well arsk. well i woz in der guardin on dutee gardin der gardin when a man come round der gardin with der pay-rents (ackshirley i woz doin my toilet and trying to be privet when he cum in) and i woz lissening to them and they is torking about pruning the branches on the tree and things like this and I thort, hang on, i will get a bit closer when they cum up the gardin. well, they was torking about lots of pruning. now, i no that prunes is dried up plums cos my mum likes them in her yogat but why they wont to stick them on trees I duz not no, but then hoomans is so often daft and stoopid, speshally as most of the trees make pritty flours and blossom and things ennywhey. well, when der man cum up der guardin a bit more i thort i wood give him more space by strolling necks door. my dad said after that i looked scared of him and that i run away and throo a whole in der fence and looked pritty pathetic. this is not true!!!!!!! i is not a scaredy cat at all!!! and certainly not of that man!!!!! i woz just beeing polite and making more space in my territtorree for him. Hurrumpff!!!!

hear is a new job yoo can sea in one of the pickshers. i is guardin my mummys' werk. she has to put marx on all these bits of papers from stoodents. i like to mark papers two when my poors are muddy but she tell me to bugger off and stuff (thay say that cos they luv me) and wo'nt let me mark them two!! she sez it is see-reeuss and she has to make them smell like perfume or something cos she gives them all per-scents, then she agree that I is dooing a good job and let me just do the gardin insted.

the payrents woz out in der gardin dooing wot they corl weedin. i has scene this beefour and wotched them dig up bits from the flour beds and make nice toilet spaces and dig over the erff and then never put there bottoms down once! so, i has thort wot four they doo this? now i has scene why!!! they do it so we can do wees their wear it is nice and clere, they make maw toilet for me n runty. they had just dun a luvly job under the hi-dranger.......high-dranger.......hide-ranger (sorry, not shure of the spelling hear and I is trying hard with my spelling) boosh when runty pop up weed under it. so thats' wot weeding mean, a place so you can i say i woz weeding their like wot runty dun. its' a good thing I think about language innit?

me n runty allslow yoos der bits dey weed for a spot of lying out and sunday bathing - nice pic we is lying around a small rosie bush, and der won near my hed alreddy have a luvly whight rose. ahh!

the grarss is dead good and long now so I can hunt for butterflys innit and use it as camooflarge.

and a nice picksher of my very speshall tummy wot is won of my best feechers and diffrent from der wun beelow.

oh, a speshall werd for my frend osker wot has extra werk too doo now, pour osker. his staff has fallen over drunk with werk on the step and broken up her rist bad. this mean osker has too doo more werk in der house and things and the staff has to sling her arm in it or have her arm in a sling or sling her hook or sumthing like that, and she has a plaster on it. i did say in a previous poste that hoomans is falling over and braking things cos they only work on to legs insted of for like us, and their you go. but we cats must be nice to hour infeeriors, so osker, bee nice to der starff but just make shure she bluddy feeds yoo propper like wot she shood doo, her rist may take a long time too get better, 2 days!!! so bee nice but not two nice!!!! ok?

oh, yes, and i has too tell yoo that runty dun a very bad thing. she hav pissed on the stare carpet!! this make the payrents ver ver upset cos it doo pong sumthing horrible and take a lot of hard werk too get the smell out. why she doo this? she not dun this for a yere or so and it bin much quieter. it woz a nice day, she have popped out ferst thing but not done her pea and then she popped in and dun it on the stares. my dad get ver sad at this cos it take alot of werk to get the pong out. yoo arsk runty Y and she just look and say - drink from the tap!! ps. it still do'nt smell two good.