Thoughts of a Top Cat

my goodness their woz a lot of reign!!! the payrents sed that i woz in charj cos they wos going to see zo grad-you-ate (dunno wot she ate), and she had a littel star (corled a aste-risk necks too her name cos she got the first class post thing). well, the payrents tell me that it was the werst drive ever ever ever ever ever, that they were in the werst of the reign and it woz so bad the jer-knee shood have taken 100 minits but took more than for ours!!! and wot is werst cos the traffic woz so slo cos the moterweigh woz fludde they terned off and were on cuntry rodes and had too drive throo worter wot cum over the bonnet of the car (i did not no my mums car wore a hat!!!) and now the car is hert and not werk properly but it got them home. my mum has a nice shiney kwite knew car and this means they have too yoos my dads' old estate banger wot gose ok cos its a volvo, well they is bothe volvos. enny weigh they only maid it just beefour the thingy woz starting and it woz orl scary and stuff and the coodnt sea zo cos she has bean singing orl weak in the chamber quire.

my dad sez her peace of paper thingy says class one on it. well, that is sad cos its the bottom number. i no this cos i can count;

won is bottom and orlso top cos it means me!!!!!
too is me n runty
three is me, runty and the miggit gwen (yuk!!!!!!!)
for is the payrents danl and zo
and the hoomans and the cats all make lots!!!! a ver big number.
so i am sorry zo got the lowest number and they put a littel star by her name and the others wot got it to cheer them up.

but the reign woz bad and i woz in charj and orl and then i woz in charge four the nite and that is orl hard werk. so wen the payrents cum home i let them stroke me lots cos they needed it. then my dad sed he just felt ill cos it had orl bin so terrible and he was exhaustpipe or sumthing. and then he went out agenn!!!!! so when he cum back, few, i made shoor he stroke me lots.

the payrents say they got to get danl and orl his stuff from dartmouth road, out side the territtorree cos he got too doo maw trayning cos he not ver clever dock-ter. hee is ver pleased that he got anuther 7 yeres or sumthink to make him more speshalist or speshal needs or sumthink. i think it just show he is thick like zo, cos he dun 5 yeres first, now 3 yeres more werking as dock-ter how much more he need beefour he no enuff and he will never bee clever enuff to treat cats cos we is to speshall and need a vet. reely the only clever person in this famly is me!!!!!! my dad say he must doo more cos he is only a jew-near dock-ter and with more trayning he will be a sea-near dockter. it make no sense at orl too mee, but then hoomans is sad and just make life complicated.

oh, the noo toilets ware the trees woz is just brillant, cos the erth is orl soft and easy too dig up. me n runty luv them lots but their not for gwen!!!!

i do'nt like this parents going aweigh to devon thingy, and now they got to go too whales ferst (wot ever that is) but it is near sum more of the nasty fluddy bits.

or this is not good and i think the payrents shood just stay at home like wot they ort too but thay say that danl will live hear for a bit aggen and that will be brillant to have my bruv home. i just do'nt wont them going reely speshally with the fluddy water thingy. time for a sleep.

I just wont too thanck my frends, paddyebenezar and osker for there support. my mum did cum back - not that i mist her, oh know, not at orl, cos top cats like me duz not need there hoomans, they are just nice to hav around.
normally i do'nt mind sleeping in the playroom its' just that i woz wurried my dad wood bee lonely on his own, i woz not at orl lonely on my own downstares and then in the study, not at orl. but if i duz choose to sleep upstares then i shood not bee mooved cos it is ver rood. it is paw runty wot do'nt like it cos she orlweighs needs her speshal attenshun from my dad and she never wont to sleep downstares at nite. zo did try to let her sleep with her a few years back and found that runty usually tried to rap herself round zo's hed in the middle of the nite or needed to pop out for a pea at 4.
ennyweigh it is orl ok, orltho i wunder if they are planning to go aweigh soon cos a lady corled me-shell came round and took keys away with her........hmm, and me-shell (strainj name) woz not mimi wot yoojoolee pop in to feed us etc.

its' ok for osker to move starff around cos starff is starff but i has payrents and its' a bit diffrent.

ooh paddy - wots a decomposing bird? is it a berd wot rites music and gose chirp chirp to pritty its decomposed tunes?

well, its' time for a nap on the nice study blue blanket wot is now mine as i think it mite reign soon.

i hope things are ok in the town corled up-north and that it stops reigning cats and dogs and you only get worter like wot wee doo hear.

the wize and wunderfull biggles mitey top cat!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (i has'nt dun that four a long time, tee hee)

I is not reely wurrid but my mummy did not cum home larst nite and in der mourning she had her littel weely case with her. I is not wurrid bout this, oh no, cos we top cats doo not miss our hoomans the weigh they miss us but i doo like to have a sit on her for a littel bit in the eevning cos i no it duz her good. my dad sez not too wurry cos she is just at a littel con-frens in broadstares. i arsk him bout this and he tell me that a confrence is wear peepel meet and tork, well do'nt they orlweighs! and i suppose if their is lots and lots of them then they need wide broad stares to sit on and go up and down, tho why the bigness of the stare case shood be important i do'nt no. well, layter on their woz no bodee down stares so i popt up too the studdee and found runty sleeping on my dads chare as she duz now lots and he was sitting on the old, grotty chair and he looked as tho he needed sum cumpenny, so he let me hav a blog and then i went to sleep on the study bed cos blogging is tyreing on the luverly bloo blanket wot now has lots and lots and lots of my luverly fur on it.

well, we normally sleep in the playroom with the daw closed but i think my dad woz going to let us stay in the study we looked so settled. but then runty herd dad go in the barthroom and she jumped up for her drink and then she need her speshall time cuddle from him in the bed (now that she is peramentlee diserted by her mummy zo with the first class post degree). well, i found that i was all by my only self in the study so i woke up and thort my dad woz probbly lonely sew i wood join him in der bed. so he had runty on his chest purring and i got on the bed necks to him (not aweigh aweigh on my mums' side) and let him stroke me and pured alot. i thort it wood be good if we staid the nite like this and bee orl frendly unless i need a cuddle or a drink or sumthink in the nite or runty doo or need more cuddling, but then my dad pick runty up off his chest wot she doo not like at orl and she stop purring and he take her down to the playroom and then he cum up four me and grab me kwick and take me down two!!! he nose he has too grab me kwick or he get my clores if he try to moove me off MY bed.

i think hoomans can be reely reely ungrateful when yoo is beeing nice to them and frendly to stop them from beeing lonely and orl, and orl he doo is take us down and sleep aloane.

PS my frends osker and paddyebenezer wot live the town corled up-north have had fluds and lots and lots of reign (like in the nashonal anthem - long to reign over us). they tell me it has bean reigning cats and dogs!!! this is terrible - cats shood not have to forl out of the sky and if a big dog landed on yoo it wood hert yoo and they are two stoopid to tern in the air and land on there feet like wot a cat duz . fourtoonately wear i live it only reigns worter. my dad sez this is a metafour expreshon thingy, well i do'nt wont too bee reigned on by a metafour either!!

these is nice fotos of me. on the rite (or is it left?) yoo can see me n runty havin a nice wrest on hour (more of them silly silent letters but now I no wear to yoos them)
table and having a chat and thngs.
the other foto is ver nice. i duz not hav a cumfy bed in the hall corridor thingy but my dad woz most kind to leave a nice pile of woshing wot woz nice and dry from the guardin like wot i helped him hanged up and woz on gard duty, for me to settle down for a nice nap.

but it is just nice to have nice fotos of me cos this is my blog. my dad is nagging that i shood put up a foto of gwen cos she is soooo bootiful ect ect yuk yuk. but i wo'nt!!! its my blog and noboddiee elses and i will have fotos up of onlee cats like wot i like, wot means mee and maw of mee and a bit of runty sumtimes cos sh'es my frend.

so four wonce this poste is just about mee and i is not riting on other things. i better go too sleep now.

ps. my dad is a bit cross cos i is not orlweighs helping him hang out the woshing but leving it to runty (ackshirley I think he a bit hert cos he misses me to stroke and to be on gard), so i dun it tooday. hee better not sea this bit or if i sea him lookin at my blog i will tell him not to reed this bit strait aweigh. i will say; do'nt look their! do'nt reed that bit! and then he wont' - brillant as ever!!!! amazin reely.

wot, yoo many arsk, is the Millenium Dumb. Well, this ver ver stoopid bilding thingy woz thort of ferst by a Mr Major Minor and then a Mr Bliar and his friend Mandy sed it woz a wunderful idea for celebraiting the millenium (except they woz a year rong). so they bilt this stoopid thingy and orlmost nobody went to it and then nobody wood bye it cos they woz not that stoopid. and now sumbody has bort it and they have renamed it the Oh Too Stoopid, so yoo must'nt corl it the Millenium Dumb any more or they get cross and brake yore legs cos yoo have too say it is brillant and just wot we orlweighs kneaded.

my payrents had never scene it so they went and had a look and it is by the worter corled der river tems wot is wet worter. so i think my dad must have bin swimming when he took won of the fotos, dunno.

it looks pritty stoopid to me.

We has noo toy-lets. a toy-let is not a smorl toy, no know know, it is a polite werd for a pee and poo plaice. Well, we has yoosed der top of the guardin and things - and ver nice it is two - and runty pops behind the booshes, speshally wen it is reigning lots. but cos we had der old plumb trees dugged up, corled pruning, we has extra toylet spaces. one is ver near the house and is wear their is the complete messed up plumb tree wot i has shown yoo on my blog beefour.

well, i thort, wot cood be nicer than too sea me n runty selly-brating yoosing hour knew (sea, i has bin practicing my spelling and them norty werds with silly silent letters at the beginning, got them rite for wunce) toylet. orl der pickshers is not kwite in der rite order, stoopid blog thingy, so yoo shood look at me dig dig digging deep ferst and then dooing my poo. the picksher of runty cuvvering up and finishing off is from a pea, and the uther foto is doing a ver nice poo.

hooray for noo toylets do'nt yoo think.

and wot doo hoomans doo? doo they pop into the guardin and scrach up a nice bit of erth and pop there bottoms down?? no of corse not, cos they is yoosless as ever. they go into a speshall room and then waist lots of paper (cos they ca'nt lick there bottoms) and wosh it orl a weigh into the effluent society in witch we live - well, wee doo not make it effluent yoo hoomans doo!!!

sew wee say, thank you mummy and daddy ver ver much four making us luverly knew toylets.

oops thees fotos has not quite gon on my blog like wot i wonted cos this is a lesson in noing the names of flours. my payrents like these bushy things cos they grow big and do'nt need much werk, cept when theirs no reign and a hose pipe ban then my dad doo get cross.

these plarnts is orl corled draingers. the too big plants is corled high-drangers and the little won is corled a low-dranger. so little is low-dranger, and big and torl (like mee) is called high-dranger. ok?

that's it just thort yoo orl needed a guardining lesson and to no the names of sum flours.

scuse me if i larff and larf and larffff!!!! ha ha. wot is this runty (no offens ment to my cat runty) yoosless thingy hear!!! well, as yoo no Tree Sir John dun cum to cut down the plumb trees and things wot is noan as pruning cos plumb trees grow prunes wen the plumbs is orl dride up, ok? well, my dad had this plumb tree corled victoria (do'nt no why he gave it a name). wot hee do not no propper is that victoria woz stuck onto sumthing corled stock (not shure bout this, payrents yoos stock when cooking sumtimes and then you share it with the food and corl it stocks and shares). enny weigh my dad woz supposed to cut cut cut the stocky bits but he do'nt no nuthink bout trees at orl so the stocky things gro and gro and gro and victoria dont' get no charns.

sir tree sir john, he say dig up the hole thing and start aggen but my dad say wot about giving it anuther charns. he say, ok i leve the big stumpy thing wot is victoria and maybee in for yeres you mite get sum froot (cos my dad doo luv his froot). but he say, the stocky things is so big that they is going to gro and gro and bee big so yoo got to cut them lots. my dad say ok, but i no him better and he am so ignorant and stoopid in the guardin that i bileave it will be a disarster. but i wont larff in his face cos he will bet upset but he is ded stoopid.

AND I WONT TOO CORRECT A MYSTAKE THAT PEEPEL HAS BOUT WEN THE PAYRENTS GO OUT AND SPESHALLY WEN THEY GO AWEIGH, OK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I duz not get orl loanly and miss them and then cum for loads of cuddles and orl when the cum back and sit on them and purr lots and lots, and lye on a handy pandy and things. look, i is a top cat, ok? and i duz petroles and stuff ok? wot i is dooing wen i is cuddling them and stuff wen they has bin out is giving them re-ash-oor-ants (few!!! big word that!) that everythink is ok and cos they miss ME!!!! so, we got that won clear then. good.

Well, yoo may arsk, wot is happening in my territtorree?

I arsked my dad and he said that a man woz cum hoo's name was Tree Sir John and that wot he woz dooing woz pruning and cutting down trees and stuff. and i new wot pruning is cos prunes is dried up plumbs, so i new they wood doo sumthink too der plumb trees but they dun stuff to uthers two!!

Now, I duz remember that sum men came to give quotes on pruning trees sum time ago but they said nuthink too mee werth quoting so i forgot about them so it woz a bit of a serprise when Tree Sir John dun suddenly tern up without my permishon.

Well, orl of a sudden theese men terned up. Tree Sir John was also noan as pete and he dun cum from devon, like wot is outside my territtorree but is round der corner cos of the names of the roads hear and i think he woz orlso nown as Tree Sir John. the next bloke karim dun come from a town corled belgium and he spoke with my dad in a human way like wot i cood not understand. the next bloke not speak the same at all but was polish and he did not doo der big cutting but he polished off orl der branches by putting them throo a scrunchy masheen wot maid lots and lots of noise out in der frunt. sum times they woz dooing nice gentle cutting but they orlsow had nasty chain things with moaters wot dun cat rite throo der trees!!! and karim dun clime up ver ver hi in der old old pair tree too cut off a ver big branch. of corse, i cood clime up ver hi like that if i wonted but i just do'nt bother, hem hem. they dun got rid of lots of old wild plumb trees wot doo know good (see pruning!!! like wot i sed) but the plumb tree corled victoria is a compleet mess - sumwon stoopid had stuck it ontoo anuther tree corled a stock and der stock had groan hooj cos my dad is stoopid and total ingorant bout trees and not cut thees back, so they cut off orl the stocky bits and leave victoria (silly to give trees names but hoomans is silly) a total stumpy bit - i will put a foto of it on my blog. my dad say he hoap to have sum luverly plums maybee in for years but wot he not thort about is wot he doing too doo too stop the stocky bits growing even farster aggen - i arsk him this and he say shut up and mind my own bizniss - charming!

I went and met dem at lunch time and they woz perfeckly nice and then woz not noisy and i maid shoor they new just hoos guardin it woz and hoo woz in charj. well, sum of the grotty trees dun gon, wot is ok i suppose as they woz not much of a camooflarj four me and he has maid sum nice new areas of toilet, wot is kind of the payrents. i deesided that reely it woz best to let them get on with it sew i spent most of the day sleeping under my king size bed - not cos i was fry-tend of the noise and orl that woz going on, oh no, no, it just seemed like a nice quiet place to sleep and it is a seecrit place wear i sleeps quite offen and the payrents do'nt no, tee hee (bit of a seecret their, hope my dad dont' reed this bit!)

they woz ver good men and they dun cleened up and maid my guardin ver nice and tidy arfter cos i wood have bin ver cross if their had bin a mess; i told my dad this and he sed he wood check up on them while i woz under der bed, sleeping and stuff.

runty thort it woz orl a bit strainj wen she popped out and she sert-en-lee sniff around a bit and has scene wot they dun but she sez its' ok cos they left der nice trees.

orl der reign have been luverly for the guardin and we has more and more moss wot is quite nice, it am racing with the grarss to sea hoo can have most of the lorn. i think their is now maw moss than dandy-lions wot is a silly name cos they do'nt look like lions at orl.

i think the payrents shood have told me they woz cumming beefour they cum as that is oanlee poh-lite but i forgiv thees littel lapses in etty-ket (etty-cat?).

My payrents so that I is rong about zo and her First Class thing at you-niver-city and is ver clever. she can poast her letters first class enny weigh and wot she got woz a degree, first class. well, look, wot so speshal about that; if i go to uncle mr josh the vet (wot is more cleverer than my bruv danl cos he do'nt need yeres and yeres of extra training and orlsow he can treat hoomans in an emergency but danl is not aloud to treat animals) and he think i is pawly and he put a thing up my bottom (wot is not nice at orl orltho my frend paddygay like it ver much - funny cat) when he pull it out it show i has lots of degrees and zo only has won, so that mean i is more cleverer than wot she is as well as beeing hi-er in the peckin order - maybee at you-niver-city they is putting things up there bottoms orl the time!!!!! horrid!!!!!. they orl-sew say that when she finish she is not a post graduate so it have nuthing too doo with letters, then how come she get too letters corled Bee Ay (my dad say yoo must menshon that she is orlsew a GSMD Cert (P) from her mew-sick). This doo not make enny sense too mee. and my dad say that until she grad-you-eight she is corled a grad-you-and...............and what? I sit and look at him for the rest of wot he going to say and he say nuffink and work aweigh. hoomans make no sense at orl and is not as clever as cats - they tork rubbish and sum of them forl over and brake there rists (menshonning know names, eh osker??) cos they do'nt work on orl fors.

their has bin sumthink on telly corled wimbledon. i no danl lived in south wimbledon and may go and liv their aggen. this woz orl ver strainj. too or sumtimes more than three (sorry, counting more than me, runty and gwen is difficult cos i get into the number corled "lots") was passing a borl too each uther over a netty thingy and helping themselves with a batty thing and showing how clever they is with the horizontally oposed thums, blah blah. and thats' orl they did. take terns, swop sides, have peepel help them get the borl. sumtimes the persons woz not ver nice and wood hit the borl hard and so the uther person cood not have a tern but sumtimes they played nicely toogether like wot we iz told too doo (even if i dont' doo it - tee hee) and sumtimes they woz a bit horrid. i waited too sea if they did maw with it but that woz it, honest, thats' orl they did. my mum doo hate it and leave the room, my dad think it is brillant and luv it (but then he is not ver clever, ackshirley, i do'nt think eye-ther of my payrents is ver clever when i think about it and thank goodness i is hear to run the house and gard it and orl. oske'rs staff has orlsow bin wotching the hitty ball thing, i think it is corled, dennis, like osk'ers bruvver, but i has not scene dennis playing it.

look, wen hooman beans can lick there bottoms too keep them nice and cleen then i will think they has sum intellygents. nuff sed.

My dad is nagging nagging aggen too put up stuff on my blog cos he not clever eenuff too have won of his own.

ok. the picksher up on the left (or is it rite?) is from Brent Educayshonall plaice (brent and ed-you-kay-shun, that a joke in itself) and my dad arsk; hoo is the person corled Art? (how shood i no?)

the necks picksher cum from Sainsbury's. oh, ho, say my dad, look wear they put the propostroffee!!! it look fine too mee. my dad think this is ded funnee cos theirs probbly thousands of these orl over the plaice and the cuntry orl rong. ha ha. and peeple wot doo these things cant spot it. he still wont' tel me wo'ts rong. he do'nt realise that i has studdid how peeple yoos the appostrotoffee and the arnser is yoo stick them wear ever yoo wont.

he say the larst won is the best of orl. this cum from the jim corled fatness farst wear dad doo go and he say that the werds in big letters is just soo bad he larf and larf and larf. hee not only larf at the obveeuss mistaike (he still wo'nt tell me wot it is!!! grrrr!!!) but he say they do'nt no how to yoos capital letters neither and do'nt no a nun or noun from a propper nown. i think this t-shirt is saying that if you have a thing corled a Fit yoo shood go to a jim. now i do'nt have a my fit or a your fit so i is not sure wot this mean. i no wen hoomans by clothes to cuvver there pathetic boddies wot has orlmost know furr at orl, unlike mee wot has wunderful furr four orl whethers, they say oh, I think that fit yoo ver well, so maybee thats a Think Your Fit. (he orlsow say the ferst dash in der fone number is rong).

sow, wee orl say, well dunn to der adult edyoukayshun deepartment of Bent Council, to Saynsbugs soopermarket (wot is not clever enuff to cell mr hills sigh-ens food) and speshall well dun to Fatness Fast Jim!!! (my dad am dick-tay-ting this at my sholder!!!)

Oh, runty doo like a soot case but without the soot. hear she is arfter der payrents got back from near dartmouth road in devon and she have taken over the dads' soot case (why they carry soot around when they go on aweigh i never understand).

so, yoo arsk, hoo is the uther runty cat??? this is archie wot live with danl and rosis. he is a smorl runty scaredy cat (not like mee!!!) wot offen vom is pouchkin of wiskers cat food and tork too much. my dad say hee tork even moor than runty and that saying sumthing. enny weigh he sleep in a place corled a conservative or conservatoire in the daytime wot keep him worm. he the won wot is too frytend to play with a corky the cork and can only manidge a rubber band. ha ha ha!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

my runty is compleet bonkers and bite her tale lots but she ai'nt a scaredy cat.

i has bin arsked to say well dun too gwen four eating most of her moste ree-sent mouse, she must have bin a bit moor hungry. the uther foto (the won on the left......or is that rite???) is of my tummy cos its' luvly.

a speshall thort for osker and paddy and frends hoo liv in der waist land of the north of ingland. they has had lots of fludding up their of reign like in the nashonal anthem (wossat???) wear it say - long to rain over us!!! - and they mite have floated aweigh, hanging on with there clores to staffs plaster cast on her arm wot she got when she woz not plastered and drunk at orl!!! but tripped on her oan dore stop - heh! but i has bin tolde they is orl orl rite and has not floated a weigh!!!! we is orl ver pleesed bout this. i has scene sum of this fludding thing on the telly noose but they go blah blah orl the time bout the spoilt thingies in the houses and sleeping in the whorels but they do'nt show wot happen too the pets and the cats espeshally!!!! this tippical of hooman noose - oh, wo, they go, shame shame shame ect ect for the hoomans and nuffink bout the cats wot cares for the hoomans ect. tippical sell-fish of hoomans as yoojal.

hear ah sum ver nice noo pickshers of me, ov cause wot sho yoo moor bout the life of a top cat.

in der ferst picksher yoo can see me gardin der hous and der cat food. this is a most see-ree-uss job cos wen der daw is open like this sumwun cood sneek in and steel orl der hill sigh-ence food!!! wot wood bee terrible!!! (der littel bag is runtys' speshall food four her you-rinn-ary problem thingy - they can steel that if they wont - acksherley better not or she wood get upset and pea moor).

der necks picksher show me dooing my brillant trick of drinkin strait from der tap in der barth room down stares with runty weighting her tern. why is she weighting her tern and not going ferst???? cos hoo is top cat eh??? proof!!!

necks my dad is beeing yoosfull for wunce and beeing a nice pillow wile i has a short nap beefour going out on petrole. cos a top cats' werk is never dun!!

oh yes, and a smorl complante. der ver big dubble bed is reely mine but i let hoomans sleap in it at nite for a bit. well, i popped up stares the uther morning (satterday, i think it woz) and their woz the payrents still in bed with the gardenia noose paper everyware, runty on their two!!! and not much space for me. now look, the payrents had better understand egg-sackly wot a time share is, ok???? it mean that they has a short share of the bed in the nite and i has the bed the rest of the time if i wonts it and runty two. they had better lern there lesson on that won or their cood be trubble. hoo run this house, eh?

i is not shure whye the payrents is so pleesed with danl and zo but i will tell yoo ennyweigh.

cos danl is not ver clever as a dock-ter (thats' a hooman vet) and he needs too doo moor tray-ning (not like uncle josh wot nose orl he kneads to no bout looking after my saw eyes-ee-pyesis). enny weigh too doo maw training has been a total mess and lots of peeple has had to resign (this werd means to rite yore name aggen) and leave there jobs and things. well, danl, not beeing ver clever needs ver badly too doo moor tray-ning and he has got his training corled run-through for 5 or 6 or 7 years (danl run for that long???? ha ha ha!!!!) and he got it ware he wont it back wear he woz ferst lerning to be a dock-ter and he is going to live with roses and the runt cat archie back in the home wot he had beefour. the payrents is going to spend lots of munny (more than a bag of hills science cost) to make it nice so danl and roses wo'nt bee able to moove in their for a bit and danl will have to compute from home to kings-ton for a munth or sew. it will be grate to have my big bruv home for a bit!!!! and i will help him cos i is moor cleverer than wot he is and do'nt need more training. this orlso mean that roses can doo her corse in health sigh-collo-gee at city you-niv-ers-ity living their too. this corse is corled post graduate, cos wen yoo finish yoo get letters after your name sent to you by post (i mite be rong hear, not shoor cos it do'nt make sense too mee). the payrents will let archie the runty cat liv their two and put in a cat flap. sum tray-ning is to help way-ters lern too carry trays but i think that is two difficult for danl.

zo dun got sumthing at you-niv-er-sity corled a First Class digree. the payrents reckon this is bout rite for her and is ver pleased and so is she and this makes her a graduate. wot is a First Class digree, yoo arsk??? well, i has werked it out. when yoo graduate yoo is then post graduate and i think it means that zo can post orl her letters First Class without arsking. big deal!!! huh!!!

i think the thing is (and do'nt tell them this) that danl and zo is not reely ver brite or clever and so when they do a littel thing good the payrents get orl happy and say - well dunn!!!! brillant!!!! ect ect cos they wont too bee nice too them. yoo sea, ever-boddee is so yoosed to me beeing brillant, and top cat and dooing my petroles and orl that i duz not need too doo lots of yeres of tray-ning or bee aloud to send letters First Class orl the time. i is just brillant and taken for granted, sigh.

Their has bin lots of berth days. My mum says that we woz orl born about 11 years ago orltho the miggit, gwen, is a few weaks older than wot i and runty is. my mum sez that i is ver ver lucky that the 11 plus doo not egg-sist no moor!!! Well, I sat weighting for the rest of the sum, 11 plus wot? I woz reddy to show just how clever i is but she just worked aweigh and did not finish the sum, hoomans eh??

Well, hoomans doo have sumthing corled propper berth days cos my dad had won with a ver ver big number and danl had won the day beefour. I thort a berth day woz the day that a ship cums into a dock/parking plaice and parks in a berth, so that is the ships' berth day, and cos danl is a dock-ter, I think that is why he has won. But i is not shure cos hee told me he is a hooman vet and doo not park ships but i cood be rong about this. orlsow my frend osker told me that kittens cum in litter trays but we doo not has litter trays hear but go out throo hour cat flap and has the hole guardin to yoos!!! i think osker may be rong hear cos wee orl no hear that kittens cum from mr mayhew-home rspca. but wear hooman babys cum from i do'nt no, i wunce sore an old carton/khartoon on telly and the baby woz brort buy a big berd corled a stork - hmmm, i think this may not be rite but i shall wotch the sky for this won.

oh, yess, and happy berth-day too osker it is 3 years since he cum out of his litter tray.

the pay-rents went to sea danl for his berthday and orlso cos cousin ted have a big big party for his berth-day, or near dartmouth road in devon, so i woz left in charj aggen and tried too stop runty from pissing and orl, and mimi dun cum in to check for the payrents that we woz ok and had food. runty dun pea on the stares but on the bin liner (not oh-sarma bin-liner but a black placky bag with paper on it) and beehind the frunt daw. i tell her not too but she do'nt lissen to me.

wen they cum back i orlweighs has too sit lots and lots on the payrents, not cos i has missed them, oh know!!!! not at orl!!! its' just cos they need too know that evrything is orl rite and orl that. and runty doo go mad and gwen too cos they nead the strokes and stuff, not like me.