Thoughts of a Top Cat

i has bin lookin at hooman spelin and dey do'nt spel know betta dan me and no worser, dey just do wot day wont. dont' sea why dey sorry for a short notice its' looks quite long enuff too me. i wrest my caise. thank yoo.

I thought you might like this. This is me on my Tunisian Poof, isn't it lovely and aren't I too? Everybody should have a poof to love where ever they come from and this is mine. Thank you. (In fact, I am poised to catch my evil tail!!!!)

Hello. This is Tosca-runty-poo-nunu, for a change. I felt I should put my point of view down as well as Biggles', as he may have given you a bad impression of me... Tail! Bad!!! Evil!!! I'll bite you. I will..!!! Owww!! That hurt you bastard! I shall bite you again as punishment. Oww that hurt too!!!

Anyway, sorry, where was I? My tail, you see, is a distinct (and bad!) personality and it annoys me frequently so I have to chase it. But it tends to get away from me, so I lie in wait and lull it into a false sense of security by licking it... and then I pounce! haha! Victory. Pain :(

Ahem. Anyway.

What I wanted to say was that Biggles may be top cat around here, but I am the top cat of the upstairs!!! Haha, yes I am. The bedrooms are my domain. And then I have to have a drink from my tap in the upstairs bathroom. I get sooooo thirsty and have to ask my humans again and again for a drii-ii-iink!!! So then they turn the tap on and I drink and drink and drink and the top of my head gets all wet, but I don't mind.

You will notice in my picture that I am sleeping. Now the only way to sleep securely is to keep the evil tail under tight control. In this example I have the evil tail on top of three legs and have the left paw over it. The evil cunning tail can still be naughty so I have put my nose on the tail as well. This will normally do for a serious sleep. Incidentally, I am sleeping on and in a suit case which I just love!!! Yumm.

Anyway, I need attention now. So I'll go and find a human to yowl at...

NO, do'nt be frytend, its' onlee mee!!! Not a big jungly beesty. Dis is mee gettin der prise of being ferst to sit on der lorndry basket when der woshin has bin hung out!!! Top Catz get to go ferst!!! dey ar'e pretty AMASIN BRILLANT pics ar'ent' they??? (dats calld a retorikal kweschun) i kant' choose wich wun i prefurr cos i liek dem both!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (cos i stil like it)

i has reealized dat i has'nt' (2 apostroffees - gud inn'it?)told you bout der jobs i do and how i help my hoomans. i dus a few jobs to help and i reely do help.

when dey cum bak form der soopermarket i run out on two der front parf and gard der shoppin wot is bein brort in ( i also role over on der parf and hope to get my tummy tickeld). and den wen der shopin is unpakd i can choos wich plastic bag i wont too sit on cos i's top cat and get ferst choice. but if dey woz sensibl dey wood ete mr hills science luvly food liek wot i do.
i also gard der hous wen dey leeve der territorree. dey fink i is just sleepin cos wen dey cum in i luk as tho i is 99.999% asleap but dat is a trick in case its' a bergler.
i also keep peepl cumpernee wen dey eet so i eat two. dis woz reely good wen der childern livd at hoam cos i had lots and lots of brekfasts - my own and den anuvver wun wen each hooman cum down. i still celebrait peeple cummin in der kitchen by eetin and i also ferlollop over so dat dey can tickle my tumm

now in der guardin i has too ver important helpin jobs. sumtiems der hoomans do fings in der flowerbeds corled reedin or weedin but not liek wen dey wont der noosepaper i is sittin on - pullin fings out (can't fink Y) anyway, i look after der tools and fings and make shure dey ar saif. runty offen helps two but she dont' do as much as me.

my faverit job in der gardin is helpin hang out der washin dis is ded good but dey only do it in der summer when der sun shines. my dad cums out wiv der basket and i help by watchin and gettin stroked and fings. and den i get ferst tern in der lorndry basket to jump in and play or if he terns it ova to sit on it. wots reely gud and maiks him ded cross is wen hes' hangin owt a wites wash - dats lots of wite fings - tee hee - wot i dose is - i trie to get my poors muddy and i wate til ders only a few fings in der bottom and den i jump on dem and try to make der hankies and nickers hav my poor marks all over. dis is ded good fun and he gets cross and froze me out of the baskit but i do'nt kair cos i dun it and made der fings has my pour print. tee hee. and den mumy gets cross wen she cums hoam and finds dry pour marx on her nickers. tee hee hee. my reeword for dooin dis job is dat i get ferst chans to sit on der lorndree basket - like in dis pic - sumtimes runty beets me to it but not ver offen and she better wotch it!.

wear has sum of my blog gon!?!?!?!?!?!?!? its' not der. dis is ver bad. we'res my stuff on eva lotion and charles darwin, and me n runty sleepin and all dat??????????????? hoo stoal it??? its der in der in-decks but you kant sea it. this is ver ver terrble. so if i do stuff on der femails even mor stuff will disappear off der bottom. how cum?


FEW!!!!! i found dem, cos i is klever, innit?!?!?!? dey is hidin under sumfin korled ah-chives. i toort all dat hard werk woz lost. cos dis blog is ver ver important to der werld cos not many pets has der oan blog.

you dusnt' just hav to keep an i on der territorree by walkin around it, o no!!!! you can keap an eye but beein up hi. we has too sheds not wun!!! yes, yes, dis is me keepin an eye on der territorree from der old shed. pretty good huh? always a lert!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (cos i stil liek it)

shayna has rit agane two me and she reely has sum problems wiv her humans. she is foren you no and is purrjan, wot means a cat dat purrs diffrent from liek wot i dose, i purrs lots. so now dis is ternin int'oo an advise colum (shayna yoo shud trie der appostroffeee its' grate fun, i has bin lookin at dem and peoples put dem anywere so yoo can two). shayna wot yoo nead baddly is a cat flap. sea, i doesn;t have yor problems cos i just pop owt throo my cat flap and pop in wen i wont too, why do'nt you have one two? how cums der is howses without cat flaps i fort dey woz bilt into dem orl.

and i is shaw yoo has a luvly voise and yoo rite luvly inglish, reel eesy to unnerstand.

i has been told i has to be nice and shaire and tork bout der to femails and wen i do, shayna, i wil tel yoo bout der trubbles wiv tosca-runty and her peeing and wot der hoomans do four her even tho we has a cat flap. (dont' sea wy i shud share but i got too, least dis wunce). personaly i dus'nt tork lots but runty torks all der tiem up stairs in her saif bit of teritorree.

ps. my hoomans went away for the weakend and it woz not niece at al!!! wot i meen is dat as top cat i is not bovverd bye dees fings, ahem, not liek runty, but i is not keen. altho mimi caim to fead us and sea us and she is ver nice to me an runty, doe gwen keap her distance.

my dad sayed he sore a sine wot sayed: refuse day changed to munday. wot dey do den on a munday - ever bodee go around sayin NO! allday? yoo sea, hoomans, never endin stoopid.

der are soe menny wais dat hoomans maik so sens or are stoopid i just cant' count but hear are a few.

1. My dad is cuttin der grass. now dis is a big shaim cos i liek it long like a jungel as its good for hidin in wen checkin my territorree and bein kammooflarged and keepin on gard. miend yoo, der black berds like it short cos dey can eat der werms. i is ver kind to der black berds and dusnt cach dem - but i kud if i wonted too. but i has wotched gras for a long long longtiem and i can tel yoo dat all it does is gro back!!!!! so wots' der point in cuttin it? and when it grose bak he cuts it again and again. no brianer dis. and der cuttin machin is noisee!!!!! wot four!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2. gettin wet. oh deer oh dear dey say its rainin ugh ugh i dont' wont too go out in dat say der hoomans. now i dont mind rane (not liek der yoosless femails - i is not torkin bout dem toda) its quiet nice reelly and also i has my territtorree to petrole, but der hoomans dont liek it but say ah well its good for der gardin. but an dis is der big butt (wiv too Ts) an dis is a hooge hooge fammly seecret so yoo mussnt mussnt tell, ok? cos i cud get intoo big trubble - ever mornin der hoomans go in der barfroom wiv no cloves on and stand in der barf and maik it rain on dem!!!!!! honest honest its troo even if yoo do'nt beleeve me. and dey so ooh dat luvly yum yum, and doo it ever every day - i has sean dem even if day say bugger off biggles out der wey. maik no sense, eh? bet yoo do'nt have hoomans as stoopid as dat.

3. wot hoomans doin livin hear anyway? hoomans has almost no ferr. i has lots of ferr wot is perrfect for der climat. ever body say we has globule warmin and must yoos less energy - i is tryin to yoos less energee by sleepin mor, but dat bedside der point, i is fien in all der wevver but der hoomans put on lots of cloths cos dey got no ferr and wot dey do hav dey shave sum off (dont get it at all - unless mr josh dus an operation) - but den dey has central heeting. now i liek central heatin cos it maik der hous all warm wot is luvly - its a no brainer queschun so dont arsk -wot yoo prefer biggles outside in der winter rain and wind or snuggled up on a cumfee bed in the wormf or sleepin by a radiater.? but i dont' need it and hoomans do. so i say dis, hoomans shud live were dey can liv with out all dis heetin stuff, all tho dis globul wormin mite maik it even wormer wot wud ack-shirley be ver neyce. and hears an even bigger joke; sum hoomans ack-shirley hav a party wen dey put der heatin on - oh, day say, lets hav a house warmin partee!!!!! i honestly honestly fink cats is just much betta dan hoomans.

4. acksherlee, now i cum to fink bout it, hoomans and shavin maik no sens. der men shave off der wun bit of descent ferr dey got on dare face and den look miserball wen dey loos der hare on der hed just up from der faice. der wimmins has less hare but cos der men shaiv der face dey shave der legs and arm pitts so dey stil got less. yood fink deyd wont MOR ferr not less cos den dey wud need less cloves. no sens at all. also i has ecksepshonell (noo big werd four me) thik ferr wot is wunderful, its grate around my bum two so i can go toilet any tiem any wevver owt side, no problem. ah, sea, ckats is just best.

i is so tierd now i need a long sleap four my brane and too saiv energee two!

Now dees is too ver intersting pickshers. I has always been a Guraniad cat and has lieked to sit on it most dais. Here I is sittin on chris langhams' face and very comfy it is two, yoo will notice dat i is glancin at der IT seckshun. Why yoo call a bit of paper 'it' i dont' know. where is it? on der table! i suppose its' quik. Ack-shirley, quiet offen the hoomans want to reed der bit i am sittin on and day say - bugger off biggles - wot day say quiet alot cos dey luv me!! Ah. most often i dusnt move but i purr lots when dey sey dis and den i get lots of strokes. sum peeple dont liek havin cats sit on der table - der woz cats befour me hear (wots befour me mean?) and dey wos'nt aloud on der table so dey ust to jump off wen dey here der hoomans cum, so dey givd up on dis wiv me n runty n gwen. [I has bean told i has to rite bout gwen and more bout runty if i's going to keap bloggin, so i suppoas i must but not todai].

Der uvver photo shows me on my desk wot i share wiv my dad. I liek to rest hear when finkin bout wot to rite in der blog and wating four my tern on der puter. Der trubble is my hooman dad leavs lots of fings on der desk and i has to cleer dem out der way to get comfy - i meen whoos desc is it?!?!?!?!?. Sumtimes i is restin and he wonts der papers wot i is restin on and he trise to get me to move or to pull dem out from under me. i tell yoo dis i dont' liek it at all!!!!! and i fretten him wiv my clores and my teef and swear a bit and tell him i is cross and wo'nt moov. all so his glasses get in der wey wen he is tie pin and not warin dem, so i nock dem out der wey and sometiems dey go on der flaw and den he treds on dem and bends dem or brakes dem and he gets cross with me!!! he is cross with me when he brakes dem not me, i dont' no!!! its' ver ver rood!!!!!!!!! he also do'nt liek it when i has muddy paws and i mark his papers for him but i dont sea wy not cos if dey has my marc dey is mor important den and he offen makes marks all over dem. too be honest he shood get hisself anuvver desc and just leave me dis won wiv sum nice comfy papers spread on it. (Ackshirley he si ver good at strokin me wen i is on der desk - wot is mien mor dan his cos i is top cat !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? - cos i still like it).

yoo is arskin how is dis liek madona????? wel, she says dat she studies sum lode of old boot repairers (?cobblers) korled kabbalah but she kant reed a werd of it cos its in heebroo or sumfink liek dat but she just tuches der werds or sumfin and der meenin gose into her, so dats just liek me and der graudniad were i just sit on it and i understand it all -easy gose in froo my bottom!!!!!!

er, shayna freemans' big sista yofi wot has too big chunks missin form her ear says she is upset dat i sez shayna is not top kat in der werld. and i fink dis yofi mite be loockin for a fite!!! luk i is not wantin a big argum'ent (sea, i can use apostroffees wot you ca'nt) wiv anuvver cat. no no. and i is not skared of frets and fings cos i is a top cat. orl i is sayin is dat i is der top cat in my territory, ok? i is shure der is spaice for us all. (i getcha, yofi, shayna is reely a bimbo scaredy cat wot dont go out so has no territorree). so i is sorry if i upset shayna in sayin dat she is not der top cat in der hole waid werld and promise yoo wont' cum round sume night froo my cat flap and beat me up?. so, yeah yeah shena is top cat in der werld, ok






not!

P.S. This is der speshal duvet cuver dat my hoomans put on der bed for runty n' me to sleep on. int in luvly!!! my hoomans say i is walkin filff but i sais dat a top cat has jobs to doo and if you get a bit of filff dat cums wiv der territorree.

and kan i jus say to der person who thort my blog was called: thought so fat op cat - dat dis is not amuzin. in fackt its' ver ver childish. thank yoo. (grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

A yung lady has complane'd to my mail hooman (who lieks to fink he is my dad and i nead him) (sea I can yoos apostroffees!!) abowt my spelin. Look. I do my best, ok? and spelin is daft. Look at right, write, wright, rite - wots all dat about? eh? Listen Melissa - not dat im' mentionin you're name hear on der werld wide webb and i beleve in freadom of speach - den my dad says dat "fast" is a verb, a noun, a adverb and a adjective - what ever dey is. my dad says wot is speld 'what' - wy? wots der H got to do with anithing? and the H in why? and den he tells me that minute and minute mean a bit of time and ver ver tiny. dat entrance and entrance mean way to go in and then to delight, sumfing liek wot i do all der tiem. yes and wy is 'werld' supposed to be 'world' if its pronounced werld. even easy words like see and sea - i mean for goodnes saik!!!! won and one, wot does der T do in lissen??? oh, enuff!!!

den theirs bi by buy bye and dem stoopid cricket wotchers - sea beloe - have 4 byes down der leg sied and 4 leg byes wot can go down der off side and bearders puts dem down against the crickets wicket keeper - all dis for noisy littel animals, rub rub rub down der leg side.

Daneil says that der wos wunce a tiem in der werld called BS Before Speling wen yoo cud choos how to spel. much better. its an animal rite to choose how to spel and if peepel dont' like my best trise at speling den i will take dem to der european caught of animal justis for not allowing me my Rite to Spel. der is a Uropean Act of Animal Rites and Mr Blur has to follow it, even at the vets!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (ver long won cos i is cross).

i was not ver good at spelin at cat skool. i was good at helpin and i still am - but dats for anuther day. and i lookd all over for a spel chequer in gugle but culdnt find wun.

i need a good sleap now. i is a good sleeper - but my dad sais dats sumthink yoo put railways on. i got a head ake now.

Dannel is my big bruvver but he do'nt live here much now cos i wundt' let him shair my terri'tory wiv me (sea! i is usin apostroffee's two!!). anywey, he is a hooman's' vet in dorset werkin ver long our's in A-N-D and he has got a job for next yeer already! too! its' in torbay and he wanted it and he sais he was der top choice for dem so he got his ferst choice. dis is ver ver good but rase der question of wot happen' to archie der cat and rosie der mumy. but wee say well dun danell, sea! its in der jeans!!! (akcsherley I do miss him a bit and its' nice whe'n he visits). I like a;postroffees' ver ver much !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (cos i still liek it).

i dont understand dis at all but my hooman dad saw dis in west hamstead and thort it was worth showing - but it is MY blog but i is feelin genrus cos i is top cat and can do that. if you kno grammer it is ver funny ?

now dis mr darwin was intersted in snails and worms and uvver fings wot is i has to say, is borin and pointless and my hooman dad (well, i let him fink i need him more then he needs me) wants to watch crickets all der time and listen to dem on der radio too. chirrup chirrup dey go rubbin there back legs togever, my dear old fing, dey say on der raddio, how many's dat bearders? and after geoffrey it'll be aggers? ver ver strange animals. and my dad is so cross cos now he can only see dem in der Sky for 4 years and he hates der sky! so instead he gets on his bike and he goes to watch der crickets at der home of some lords.

but i say dis. 1. cricket is no more intersting dan worm or snail. 2. of course dey is in der sky dey can fly so no point hating dat or at least jump up and down. 3. dey is stupid wiv der legs rubbin and bein so noisey. 4. crickets is like locusts and we has all bean warned about der plageu of locusts swarming throo der skys. and look now we has it - that nasty mr ryanair does locust flyin all der tiem, and easy locust flyin, dey is ever were and pollutinin der planit.

so down with cricket and locust flyin i say, and my hooman dad and that mr darwin ort to learn to do something yoosful like wot i do ever day.

ps. my dad says der crickets was not ver interesting at mr lord's and day kept droppin their matches, catches win matches or sumfin. why you want to throw a box of matches i don't know, hoomans is sad relly.

tiem for a nap

now i is not a grate fan of singin espeshly wen my hooman 'dad' (so he finks, ha) is singin, it is not ver nice and is werst wen he finks it is good!!

but i digress

i wont to congratulait der english nation oprah for usin proper ful names for composers and showin respeck. recently i has seen on der websit J Offenbach not J Bach in a frenchy peace called helen and der bells. and den der was orfeo der awful not as is usual ritten by verdi but by montyverdi. now dis is proper. no one cals me biggs i is called biggles cos dat is my name in full. lets stop all dese harf names and use der ful wun all der tiem!!

ps i did unce explor singin and was told dat dey wrote for peepel liek me, caster row toe?????, but now dese roles is sung by counting tenners!!! reely, hoomans is so stoopid - why count in tenners??? tenners has no branes aniway an dees countin tenners is werst dan tom cats yowlin in der guardin!>!>!>!>!>!>!>!>!> (noo wun tee hee)

ver ver nise to here form a cat.

i is shure yoo is ver ver butiful pershun cat and yoo may be top kat in your hous but dat dus not mean yoo is top cat in der hole wide world!!!! jus yoo cum up to my territory and you will see hoo is boss!!!! anyway, i doesnt need to be pedigree cos i is from the home of mr mayhew rspca of der ver ver speshul cats and on my insurance from DBI (Dogs Bollocks Innit) it says nex to value NIL, cos I is so invaluable dey cant put a price for me!!! and i is a British Short Hair!! not a forin import.

i cant invite yoo here for a visit cos der femails here wud get all huffy and sweary. but dats anuvver story.

my territorree is ver important to me. althou, and dis is a seecret, reely reely. every now an den a nasty tom cat or too comes into my territorree. dees cats is not nice wiv big heads and yowl horrid and spray an spray an if dey can cum in froo der cat flap an spray. dis is not nice!!!! now i cud fight dem hard but my dad says i jus dont have der balls for it but i dont know wot he means. it is espessall bad wen 2 of dem fite over MY teritoree. dis has not happend for a bit. der woz one tom wot had only wun frunt leg and he wud swear and thretten you and try and scratch yoo wiv his stump - he didnt last long but i felt a bit sorree for him wen he stuck to his own home.

my hooman dad told me dat hooman boys is just as bad, wen he wos at skool dey had a assemberley an der big teacher wiv der big head (corled der head teacher) sayd evryday to der boys - after der hims - let us spray!!!! honest! how der skool must have spelt - eeugh!!!!

tell me, do yoo sit on der bit of der paper dat yor hooman is reedin? i does, tee hee. dis is part of der eva lotionary process of selection. mind yoo, der graundian is smaller now cos its a berliner liek jfk said - i is a doe nut. but it is ver cumfterbal.

i do luv espeshly in winter to lie on my daddys desk wen he is workin an dry myself on his papers an clean my paws on dem. sumtimes i has to move his glasses an uvver bumpy fings and sum of der papers to get realy cumfy - clear der desk a bit - an i put my knows on der radiator. it is ver ver luvly. sumtimes my dad trys to moove me to get at papers and dis just will not do!!! and i swear and i will scratch him. der cheak!! i mean to say hoo runs dis place, eh?

oh yes, shayna, and my hooman says dat yor mum is a rabbit at der west london rabbit hutch reform school - rabbit for a mum and a dad - huh, rabbits - dis is two much! and my hooman is relly reely stoopid cos he sais rabbit means teecher in a forin language.

i wil rite anudder day about mr maywho and his home.

tiem for a nap

now if yoo has red belo yoo will kno dat i has bin talkin bout eva lotion and darwin and why ginger and orange is best and how i is perfeck adapted for modern life and is just der best egg sample of eva lotion see der cammooflarj even wen i eats!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (extra long wun)

well, yoo is a young lady of taist, lorna grifftits. i will tell yoo a tru strory bout zoe an me. we had a long long battle for whoo was higher in der peckin oder. an in der end she went a way to colleage. i wun. ha ha ha ha !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (cos i liek doin dat) i alwase noo i wood win. why? cos i is top cat, sea! an darwin lieked oranges an der color orange best!!! acksherley i has never sat on his book but i quiet liek siting on buks but not as much as sitin on der bit of der noos paper wot my hoomans is tryin to reed at der table. bugger off biggles day say an uvver luvin fings, an den dey stroke me, natch. dis tie pin is tirin.

I sumtiems i fink dat peepl snigger at me. well enuff here ar too fotos to sho yo just hoos boss!! I can lie on der shed if i want - and dats ver ver hi up - and i can petrole my teritoree.!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?(cos i liek doin dat) sea how long der grass is like a jungle but no feers for me but dont be to fritend by der fotos cos i is reely a nice cat. lean and hungry tipe but nise wiv it.

My hooman beans went to see a house corled Down House - a very silly name as it has an up and a down, so i shall corl it der upside Down House.

Now dis is der hous were Charles Darwin rote a buk called The Species of Oranges. he wos a strainge man. he went on ship corled der dog or beagle or spaniel or sumfink for a long time and he collected shells an fings. at home he liked werms ver much and snails and plaid wiv plants. wot a ver ver borin and silly man.

but he was rite abowt un fing. he wrote about the survival of the fattest and also that orange is der best color. now yoo may have noticed my color form der photos, whot is it? hmm? ginger or orange. and indeed i is perfeckly adapted as best as poss for modern life. my colour maches der cork tiles on der floor perfec so dat wen i roll over to hav my tummy stroked der white of it shose up completely clear but if i want to hide i is camooflarged. so altho dis mr darwin must have been ver ver borin he was not completely stupid. yoo can also see a picksher of his upside down house.

and anuvver fing abowt evolution. my hoomans may have horizontally opposed thums but i tell you dey dusnt have clors like wot i has, dey has to wer cloves, ha, and dey cant even lick ther bottoms!!! ha!!!

Now dis is a ver good picksher of me kamooflarged in der jungle in my territory. Yu will have to luk ver ver hard to find me. Found me?
Yu sea wen yoo is hiden liek dis den yoo can keap an i on fings proper!
Dis foto was tacken at a secret locashun in my bak gardin wot i is gardin! Sea?
I shud tell you, alltho it is a seacret so dont tell anybodee, my teritory is not just my guardin but is next dors gardin on bofe sydes!! so, i go in the guarden were der 2 boyeez liv and i go to der uvver gardin wiv der flours and der pond and der frogs hoo sometimes cum into my gardin and den i can pla wun of my too favrit games - pat der frog. frogs don't moov wen neer me and if i pat der frog all gentle on der bak it jumps really realy hi and squorks! yoo can do dis lots of times and it dont hert dem and dey is ded good at goin ded stil.
my uvver fave games is catchin wite butterflys dat fly around der buddlier. i liek to play wiv dem for a bit an den i roles on my bak for dem to play wiv me an all dey do is flap around and not play - dis is ver borin of dem and ver shellfish. wot i doz is sleap under the bugglia and den i wakes up sometimes and catch dem.
wen i was littel i use to pla fight der painty brush wiv my dad. i wud be in a box and heid an he wud poke a painty brush froo der holes and i wud fite it it was lots an lots of fun but i dont play it now cos i cant be bovvered cos now i is growed up and is der top cat, see?
now dis is ver ver secret cos my humans dont liek it but really realy my teritorree is also der front garden (and der front guardins next doors). in der late afternoon in summer i luv to role on der parf in der frunt cos it is sooo warm and also der is annuver ginger cat wot has a ver large territoree at der front and he needs to no just were my territorree is!!!
(and dis is ver ver ver secreet, ok?!?!?!?!? sumtiems i run across der rode to der garden across der cos it is quiet a wilderness and ver excitin but my hoomans dont liek it cos dey say i is not clever enuff or fast enuff cos of short legs and i mite get hit by a car!!! pah, dey dont know nuffin!! dey dont unnerstand dat a top cat has to show hisself for wot he is - but pleeeese dont tel dem dat i rote dis bit or dey mite be cross with me).

Look i dont know evryfink and it appears dat the first biggles did not fite nazis but fort in der ferst werld wor. i has never had a werld wor on my territory so how wos i to know there have been 2? i woz then told that he flew on a camel made by a mr sopwith but i is not stoopid!! ha i cort you der, camels can't fly!!! see, checked that owt. then i was told it was a bye-plane. now i thort about this and i hav werked it out. when a plain is cuming toowards yoo it is a hello-plain and when it has gon over and is going away then it is a bye-plaine, biggles floo a hello-bye-plane and dats its fool name! its good dat sumwun round hears got sum branes.

yors bigggles-der-branes!!!!! !?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!(cos i liek doin dat)

diss is me havin a chat wiv runty. acksherlly her real name is tosca - ha! ha! ha! she looks about as much like a glamerus poocheenee heroin as a ded rat! sose we korl her runt or runty or sometimes noo noo - dats her mummies nam four her but her mummies gon to a colleages an spends her tiem wiv a hooman calld alastairs or all der stairs or sumfin liek dat. cos it is vary vary impotant i will tell you wy i am nowne as bodger and bodge but it is to impotant to put it hear wiv runty. she's orl rite realy, we sleeps toogevva quiet alot. an we is in der garden alot toogevver. wun ov my faverit games (tee hee) is i cum up on runty wen she is sittin or sleepin in der sun in der gardin and i sniff her nicely an giv her a friendly lick or too an den i jump on her an she runs away an den i can sit wer she woz siitin cos dats just wer i wnated to sit and sleep an fings. tee hee. it is funn but it is importink to do fings liek dat wen yoo is top ckat coz yoo is top kcat. aniwey, runty jus gose a fioo feat a way an settles down again. we is ok toogevva. but she haits the kold an rane cos shes a wimp an den shese got her bleedin yoorinree problem an pisses in der hows an den she gose to unkle josh hoo givs her a jab an den she dont pee for a bit, an she has speshall food wot is acksherly quite nice. cos as top kcat i kan eet ani ov der fude. an she wont yoos der kat flap wot maks lief complikatted. cor, i is tierd owt form all dis tie-pin.

now diss is a vary impotant picksher cos here i is sleepin for afriker an dats hard werk. i has herd dat lots of der big kats in afriker, my cussins, is not always gettin nuff food to eat. diss is vary bad cos we is der gratest family of huntin carnivores ever to stork der planet, see! so just yoo wotch it, rite!?!?!?!?!?!?! (i liek doin dat !?!?!?!?!?!? but its hard and i have to stretch) somewons changed der climat - well, change it back, stoopid! honestly! and ders hoomans everywere so my cussins dont hav enuff room. not fare. i has seen on der telly wiv dat nice mr david antinburg dey chase an chase an chase der fud now diss iss not vary inteligent, if yoo wil forgiv me sayin, wy doesnt dey just go to der bole in der kitchen like what i doo? yoo cee how much clevererer i is dan dose big kats in afriker, my bowels dont move an ders real food in dem - i will talk more abut fude anuvva day cos its so important. oh by der wey, where is afriker cos its out side of my territory an i dont wont nun of dem kussins comin in here or i beat dem up?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i liek doin dat tee hee. diss has tierd me an i better go an sleap now. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (last wun, onest).

Peplle is often askin me about my name. well, i'm called biggels cos i's ginger!!!

Human here: those of you have read the great literary works of the English language will be familiar with the Biggles books where our intrepid hero beats those dastardly Nazi scum. Biggles' best friend is Ginger, hence the name of our ginger cat, well, you wouldn't call it "Ginger" would you. In fact, Biggles' full name is: Biggles Ginger Algie Von Stalhein Freedman.

Fank yoo hooman. Now, Biggles is sort of copyd on me cos i is a very very brave cat as yoo wil lern in this blog, wot wil also contane my grate forts - such as the alhambra (hoo sez im not edjookated)

Their is a smarty pans hoo finks i got der rong werld war - well, how meny der bean den, eh? Will cheque dis wiv a hooman. Dis clever kloggs is wot we call a pendant!!!

here is a picksher of me protectin my i's from the light by using runty cos i has sensitive i's.
see - femails can be yoosfull!!!

wots der diffrance beetween a email and a femail? der letter eff!

and who sez i knead a spel chequer?!?!

sumwon wunce sed dat tom cats keep der brains in der balls - i dont get it, wots balls?

hello, my name is biggles and i am the top cat in my house. many people think i spend alot of my life just sleeping but this is simply not true as i have to protect my territory, eat, find my humans, eat, think, sleep, eat, keep the females in their place, sit on a human for a bit, be very very brave. in this blog i will be putting my forts.
my dad says i should use sum fink corled a spel chequer but i cant find it anywear.

so wotch this spayce!!!